To think this isn't a good idea?

[thesailsaflow]

Me and my ex have an 8 year old daughter together. We have had our moments but get along very well now, I'd say we are friends, we confide in each other and I can rely on him and he me.

We have been in talks for the past few months about getting a dog that we will share. He recently lost his dog - a Rottweiler - she was lovely and very well trained and whilst I would look after her on occasion, he bought it with his ex girlfriend so it was not a shared dog with me.

The kind of dog I would like is a cockapoo or Labrador. However, he called me this morning and said he had found an English bull terrier pup for sale and was going to get it next week. He asked if I'd be okay to help out with it - no financial responsibility but watching/training/walking it whilst he is at work (I am a student and work at night, he works during the day). I said I'd have a think.

My concern is number one, having read up on these types of dogs, they aren't for novice owners. So although my ex did own one previous dog I don't think he realised how difficult these types are to train, also I have absolutely no experience of dogs or training them. Secondly, and this may be a stereotype, but I've read these dogs can be quite aggressive. My ex claims this is all in the way they are raised. However, after speaking to a vet (my aunt) she says there is something in their brains that can make them turn without warning no matter how well trained or raised the dog is.

I know I am absolutely within my rights to say I don't feel comfortable helping out with the dog. But then the worry comes with when my daughter is at his house, what if it attacks her? She is with him 50 percent of the time and it has really worried me.

I wish he could just be into the stereotypical 'family dogs' but he's not and he is adamant he is not changing his mind and going ahead with it.

AIBU to have these reservations? Am I buying into the stereotype? Is there just as much risk with a Labrador?

If not, what do I do?

I have just rescued an English Bull Terrier. She is my third one although I have owned other breeds too. They are fabulous dogs, hilarious and love to make you laugh. They are like the clowns of the dog world. I have never had any issues with aggression at all but they are terriers so will do as they please these and do not give a fig about you want. I would not let mine off a lead as she will disappear and has no recall, it's not because she is aggressive. They were bred as family pets, look up James Hinks and read about their history. I love them and wouldn't want any other breed now BUT they are really, really willful, stubborn and more akin to a toddler than a dog. They are very hard work to train as they are clever but use this to get their own way.
They need a lot of attention and directing onto what they can do as they will find their own fun if you aren't watching them. A really good book to look at is called "when pigs fly" by Jane Killion. .
Good luck whatever you decide.

It’s actually quite a sweet natured dog breed but like any dog you just need to train it properly.

• I've not really thought about it from this POV. Can I ask why not though? We already have a daughter together, it doesn't get more tying than that. We have been split for 7 years, there is absolutely no physical/romantic attraction on either side. We have both moved on and had other partners since. He is a genuinely good person, and we care about each other. He is a great dad and although there will always be things which we disagree on, we respect each other enough to listen and compromise. He is there when I am in a jam, whether that involves our daughter or not. He is there and helps out financially (not just child maintenance).

I couldn't think of a better person to do this with to be honest.*

Having a child is entirely different. You both have legal and financial obligations and protections when it comes to your DD which will not exist when it comes to the dog.

You say things are good now which is great, but a dog will likely live for 12+ years and things can change. You may have the time and commitment for a puppy/ dog now and he may have the finances for it but what happens if that changes in the future? What happens if one or both of you have a new partner who isn’t happy with the set-up? What happens if you decide in the future to get a job and no longer have the time for the dog? What happens if his financial situation changes and he no longer wants to pay for the dog? What happens if one or both of you have another child with new partners? What happens if one of you wants to move away? Who is responsible if there is a large vet bill? What happens if the dog is injured in your care and your ex feels it is your fault and expects you to foot the bill? What happens if he decides he doesn’t want the dog anymore and wants to rehome it?

Getting a dog is a huge commitment and it seems absurd to go into it with somebody who you are not committed to considering there will be no legal protections. A dog isn’t like a child, if he is the legal owner and in the future has a partner who decides she doesn’t want him sharing a dog with his ex he can remove all contact and there will be nothing you can do. If he decides to sell it or use it as a pawn in any parenting disputes there will be nothing you can do. If he dumps the dog on you one day and refuses to be involved with it anymore there is no dog-maintenance you can legally seek out. Just because he is able to compromise and listen with regards to your child doesn’t mean he will with a dog.

There are just too many things that can change over the next 12+ years that I really think you are foolish to risk investing into sharing a dog with an ex, regardless of the breed.

Honestly I wouldn’t worry
If he is getting it from a puppy then he can train it properly
He’s already proved that he can train and look after a Rottie which is a much bigger dog so I would be confident he can do the same with a EBT
I have a french bulldog and despite everyone saying how cute and sweet he is i truly wouldn’t trust him with a stuffed toy let alone a small child 😂
He’s absolutely vicious when he gets in a strop and I’m an experienced dog owner of large breeds for many years and my Frenchie is by far far the nastiest dog I’ve ever had
Many people would sell him or have him PTS
I won’t do either as I know what triggers him and can pretty much avoid anything happening with him

Yes. They are the most aggressive, untrainable breed of dog ever!

Alternatively, they are a large terrier with an odd shaped head and chest. They are not a 'biddable' dog, like labradors and other dogs that have been long bred as working dogs. They are more independently minded and may or may not do as asked.

I've known many and the only one that was aggressive was deliberately trained that way and was put down as it was too dangerous to deal with. Not the breed's fault, the fault of the despicable twat that raised it.

They do take additional patience, a lot of it. They do need a firm and loving hand and they are odd little toads. I say little as they stay puppy like for years, bloody years. They twizzle and turn, zoomie and run circular laps. But they are lazy toads, walking cushions that like nothing better than to sleep on you, be active for just a few hours in a day.

Stubborn cuddles on legs!

I don't understand why you would look after the dog in the day, if you work nights, don't you need to sleep in the day?

we respect each other enough to listen and compromise

But not about this dog, it appears.

It's also worthwhile bearing in mind that before the 'OMG FIGHTING DOG' stories, there were DEVIL DOG EATS CHILD news items. Usually featuring Rottweilers and the occasional GSD with Rotties.

So you've had an as-seen-in-the-media Devil Dog around your kid. The type that, had MN been around at the time, posters would have been saying must never be around children or off the lead.

The worst thing about bull terriers is that a) they can't hear you unless you're trying to open the fridge door quietly, b) their tails wag really, really fast at shin height, leaving a trail of destruction everywhere they go until you take all ornaments, cups and computer equipment out of reach of their joy at living and c) they have very poor deceleration once they're at warp speed, so if they get the hang of a visual signal for recall, it's rather like a small bulldozer coming straight towards your legs.

@ScabbyHorse

I don't understand why you would look after the dog in the day, if you work nights, don't you need to sleep in the day?

I work 5 pm to 10 pm

And don't forget the head like a brick. Forever banging into walls and apologising to them.

Yes, they do apologise. They are quite good at it, they get lots of practice 😃

she says there is something in their brains that can make them turn without warning no matter how well trained or raised the dog is

This is not reserved for certain breeds. Any dog will switch (seemingly without warning, tho they often give warning signals). The main difference is where breeds tend to attack (ie the more dangerous breeds tend to go for the face or neck, whereas "friendly" breeds like labs will go for an arm etc meaning attacks are less likely to be fatal or make headlines.

My point is if you're worried about your child around certain breeds but you should be thinking about educating yourself and your child for any dog coming into their home

What's going to happen to the dog all day if you don't have it? He says he's going to get it whether you help or not but I'd be very concerned about a puppy that's left alone most of the day. That is not good at all IMO and unlikely to end in a well trained dog from other dogs I know that were left alone a lot as puppies.

Yanbu - tell him you don’t feel comfortable with him getting one as you don’t want it around your child and you won’t look after it either. Explain that your feelings won’t change and you’d prefer him to get the dog of your choice which you’ll be happy to help out with.

The main problem here is as nice as you think your new friendship is with him, it isn't.

HE has decided, and HE is getting a dog that HE wants and expecting you to fall in line. He is walking over your conversation about something you both wanted and doing what suits him.

I'd be saying it's not what we discussed and I'll be having nothing to do with it. It's about boundaries and respect.

I also think youd be mad to tie yourself further to an ex.

I think it’s inadviseable for you to provide free dog care services for your ex, for any dog.

Agree with your concerns about the breed.

Also agree with PPs that ex acting unilaterally seems disrespectful of your views and time, so you’d not be at all U to refuse to provide free services for this dog.

I don’t think you are looking at this in the long enough term.

1. This dog will still be alive after your daughter reaches adulthood. That’s a long time to be voluntarily linked to your ex.

1. Presumably you are not intending to be at university and working part time at night for the next 15 years. Given that, there will come a time where you are also out at work full time (probably within 3 years) during the day. What is the plan for looking after the dog then? Will you split the cost of doggy daycare or a frequent walker? Will the dog be at your house or his?

1. Have you thought about what will happen when either of you gets a new partner? Will you want a dog with them, to be part of your new family and live with you full time? Where does that leave the shared dog?

This idea might be attractive right now, but your circumstances are going to change a lot in fairly near future, and you must put the welfare of the dog first. Your plan doesn’t do that.

Trust your instincts. And the dog sharing scheme sounds like a very bad idea unless you have a written agreement covering all possible eventualities.

My concern would be your DD being old enough to seemingly help with the training but a actually getting it wrong and causing issues.

I have a small terrier and I always she was rather dim a rescue that has only learned 3 words ever. I am know wondering if she just doesn't give a shit and stubbornly does what the hell she wants unless food is involved

The walking cushion sums her up.

The breeds fine, they can be super cute! I would change the arrangement that you are happy to have a dog sitter role rather than shared ownership.

I would encourage ex to take dd to specific puppy training sessions so she can learn.

Not KC classes though. They aren't always right for a Bullie, who will often see the other people and dogs as got to be played with, no matter what.

I made that mistake and it took 2 dog behaviourists to set me straight again. Most Bullies need to be persuaded that doing as asked is their idea. Coaxing them with treats is not the best way - which is why the Pigs Might Fly book is essential reading.

They are hard work OP. Maybe get him the book to give him some idea of what he is considering.

FWIW Labradors cause more injuries over the year than most any other breed IIRC.

The problem isn't breed of dog, it's upbringing and training of the dog.

So you could get a lab and do nothing with it, and it could possibly be aggressive. Or you get a Bully breed and do nothing with it, could possibly end up aggressive.

IMO Bully breeds are pretty great dogs, high energy in short bursts, then sleep for the rest of the day. Good with children and other animals if correctly introduced and socialised (and children properly trained not to pull/harrass or annoy the dog!), they do have a high prey drive so be careful around smaller animals such as cats or rabbits.

Personally I'd go bull breed over lab but I like a chonky dog. I've got one and he is awesome, he absolutely loves kids, they are the joy in his life, cats and rabbits less so ha ha!

Also it's a total misconception that these bull breeds were bred for fighting, they absolutely were not!

Read up on the breed histories, they were bred for jobs, herding, guarding flocks from predators, and nanny dogs for children.

As those jobs died out people repurposed the dogs for other work. Sadly this included idiots using them to fight each other but that was not what they were bred for at all in any way!

They now have a terrible rep because of wankers who fight their dogs, drug dealers who use them as status symbols and idiots who don't train correctly.

The myth that they've always been fighting dogs is perpetuated by people who don't know any better and should.

Will he expect you to look after the dog when he goes on holiday - 24 hours a day for a fortnight? At whose cost? Don't make assumptions.

If you want a dog, wait until you can have one on your own terms - your choice of breed for a start - not one that someone else has imposed on you.