To wonder if any of them give a crap

[Alliwantforchristmasisbooze]

We live abroad, used to go back to U.K. for Christmas but has been difficult in recent years due to fertility treatments, Dd being born, then covid.
My family only sent Xmas cards, no presents/money for Dd, 3, same for my birthday, my brother, sister and niece & nephews all get money/presents etc.
They all had dinner together today, obviously. No phone call, only WhatsApp off my mum saying Happy Christmas. Messaged happy Christmas to my sister, sent a brief Merry Christmas back.
Aibu to feel a bit sad and left out, just because we’re not there, don’t we count as much 🤷🏻‍♀️

Can I ask why you don't send them a gift? Perhaps they think to don't really value gifts. Also as they start to get your DD gifts in the future (once you've communicated it with them) I think it's polite to return the favour.

You need to ask them. It could just be a misunderstanding/them thinking you don't care. Your DD is 3 so only just now may be wondering why they aren't getting gifts from them although my 3 yr old wouldn't know still at this age. They don't know about present obligations/expectations at that age.

Have a word and get it sorted before your DD realises. And before it impacts your relationship.

But you do need to acknowledge that distance can affect relationships. It could simply be out of sight, out of mind. Or it could be they feel a little rejected that you moved away. Either way, nothing more communication couldn't resolve. I know you feel you wouldn't let distance affect your relationship with your children but you don't really know unless/until it happens and the very fact you've moved away yourself means you'll have a different perspective to it than your parents who presumably chose to stay nearer their own parents.

@FriendshipsAreHardForMe I’m not sure, they don’t really send me gifts as an adult, I suppose I see the parent to child/grandchild relationship being more from their side/their initiative, perhaps I have it all wrong. My sister doesn’t get them birthday gifts for example. I didn’t see it as a tit for tat thing

Did you ring or facetime parents today?

I can see your point OP. My DS is divorced and his DC live a hundred miles away , I've never received a card or present from my DGC (15and17) and don't expect any but I send them cash via their mothers bank account for birthdays and Christmas . They get the same as my other DGC that I see all the time . Maybe it is a case of out of sight out of mind for your siblings but certainly not for your parents . Maybe they don't send DD presents because you don't send them any

@smashingbaubles You see, from my point of view, if my Dd grows up to live away, I think I’d feel that I’d give *More support and effort as I saw her less, to make up for what they’re missing. I mean, my sister and brother have been helped in so so many situations, financially and practically, whereas I’ve always done everything for myself. I guess that’s my fault then for moving away.

I do think the onus is on the person who moved away. They probably felt you didn't care that much when you left.

They might be wrong but you can see why they might feel it.

Interesting to see how many are missing the point, namely that the ops daughter is being treated differently than her cousins by her grandparents

Ie grandparents buy presents for her cousins, but nothing for her

The fact she lives abroad is irrelevant

@Glentheredbeakbattleostrich you have summarised this brilliantly and I agree 100%.
I am the one who moved away, only 50 miles and travel back to parents for all main events. This year for my birthday, I didn't get a card from my sister or a phone call, just a WhatsApp message and it said ..... Looking forward to you coming over soon... And it made me feel sad and angry in equal measure, so much so that I don't want to visit over the Christmas break. I really feel out of sight, out of mind. She can come to an out of town retail park nearby for shopping but can't be arsed for me.

Trouble is I can't make the mental break and my daughter is desperate to see her cousins. I will probably visit but through gritted teeth.

@winnieanddaisy Maybe that’s it. I wouldn’t have seen it that way, I see sending gifts for children as more important, even my friends and I generally do gifts for each other’s kids rather than ourselves.

@Chloemol Yes, that’s it.

@JohnSmithDrive I hope they didn’t feel that. Don’t people move around these days, see the world? I won’t ever begrudge that for my Dd or see it as not caring about me if she wants to live life

I’m going to go with the feeling that they feel rejected by you moving away whether they’re aware of it or not. We’ve all seen those “new life down under” programmes where they get shown all the video messages from their family about how much they love them and would miss them. A lot of the time the family thinking of moving does this better of it after that and realise that the relationships will never be the same again if they moved.

But other families seem to mentally put that aside and decide to go anyway. I always wonder how the grandparents must feel after that especially if they know it’s a move that in all likelihood that they won’t be able to come back from.

Of course it’s all a bit different if you’re moving because you can’t get work in your own country and have no choice. Or your job involves International postings for a few years at a time.

[quote Alliwantforchristmasisbooze]@JohnSmithDrive I hope they didn’t feel that. Don’t people move around these days, see the world? I won’t ever begrudge that for my Dd or see it as not caring about me if she wants to live life[/quote]
You can't see that wanting to "live life" away from them could be hurtful?

I'm not saying it's wrong to do it, but I do think it puts the onus for maintaining relationships on you.

@alliwantforchristmasisbooze. I feel like I could have written your posts. I do find it interesting to read people's perspectives about the onus being on the person who moved away - I simultaneously disagree and am disgusted. Family relationships should be mutual love and affection and desire to maintain that relationship. As a parent, I also know 100%, it would make zero fucking difference how much I love and want to be involved in each of their lives. It insults my very core to suggest other wise. It is 2021 ffs, there is no excuse at all. WhatsApp, free phone minutes, Skype, email, texts, smart phones, photos/videos, social media... Literally no excuse if the desire is there. I am absolutely with you. Unfortunately we can't make them give a shit, we can't make them step up and force relationships. I just try to learn from it and ensure I do the opposite with my own children/reinforce and teach my children that distance doesn't matter and their relationships are EVERYTHING.

Also, we have friends who can make the effort which we return wholeheartedly. If friends can make that effort, family sure as hell can.

@CurlyhairedAssassin I went when I was younger, I’m not far away, pre covid saw them every 3 months or so. Left before Dd came along

@JohnSmithDrive Wow, now I feel guilty

@MamaFirst Yes I feel the same

I moved several hundred miles from my parents, and with hindsight, yes they were hurt by it, even though I left for (what I felt were) good reasons. They do have closer relationships with the dgc born before I moved versus the ones born after. Partly proximity and partly choice I guess 🤷‍♀️ I personally think though your parents should be putting in the effort, and I know I’ve been hurt when mine didn’t in the past. I even one year put money in cards for the dc “from them” because they were old enough to notice and be hurt by it. That said, we’ve smoothed some of the rough edges over the years, and now token gifts go both ways, plus money for the children. I’d start afresh next year, sending small thoughtful gifts and see what happens.

I totally sympathise with you OP and I know the feeling of comparing your DH family with your own. My DH parents give ME Xmas and birthday money and my own parents don’t lol, my mum sent me an Xmas present this year but about 2 days before Xmas so it hasn’t arrived.

I know I’m loved but it still stings a tiny bit, however at least I have no one to compare with like you do, I can just brush it off as them getting lazy now that I am mid 30s, but if I say, had a sibling who was being treated differently that would really sting.

I think with anything in life - don’t take things personally and never assume.

If it bothers you, bring it up in conversation - say it makes you a bit sad, so that they know where you are coming from.

Otherwise, take it for what it is and don’t assume it means anything about their love for you or level of love between you and your siblings etc, because chances are it a absolutely doesn’t!

@Allsorts1 I can’t see what the reason would be for treating us differently though 🤷🏻‍♀️

People don't remember the things you say or do, they remember how you made them feel.

You moved away and made them feel like you didn't need them very much any more.

Your sister may be saying 'I could never live so far away from you, I'd miss you too much.' They don't resent the support they give her, it makes them feel wanted and needed whereas you are independent.

Moreover, I think it's quite grabby to expect gifts for your dd when you don't send any to your parents. I have always bought gifts for my parents and they have bought gifts for me. In some families, people buy gifts for their parents and their parents buy gifts for their grandchildren instead. I don't know anyone who doesn't buy a gift for their mum and dad. It's fine if you don't, but why then have your hand out?

[quote Alliwantforchristmasisbooze]@Allsorts1 I can’t see what the reason would be for treating us differently though 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
Because you treat them differently than your sister does.

Why don’t you get your parents gifts?

@fourminutestosavetheworld How do I treat them differently? I’m the one who hosts them for weeks at a time, several times a year, I cook, clean, take them out, my sisters never done this to my knowledge

[quote Alliwantforchristmasisbooze]@fourminutestosavetheworld How do I treat them differently? I’m the one who hosts them for weeks at a time, several times a year, I cook, clean, take them out, my sisters never done this to my knowledge[/quote]
In other words you treat them like guests.

From what you've said (but as you live abroad, I doubt you know what happens day to day) your sister does more taking than giving from your parents, but her relationship with them is more of a close family member.

This is not a criticism, but it's really impossible to have the same relationship with someone who lives in a different country as with someone who lives very close to you.

Of course lots of grandparents treat their grandchildren differently ... and I suspect even if you lived around the corner things might not be any different (actually I'm wondering if you moved away to get some distance), but in your case it does give at least a reason for it.