To wonder if any of them give a crap

[Alliwantforchristmasisbooze]

We live abroad, used to go back to U.K. for Christmas but has been difficult in recent years due to fertility treatments, Dd being born, then covid.
My family only sent Xmas cards, no presents/money for Dd, 3, same for my birthday, my brother, sister and niece & nephews all get money/presents etc.
They all had dinner together today, obviously. No phone call, only WhatsApp off my mum saying Happy Christmas. Messaged happy Christmas to my sister, sent a brief Merry Christmas back.
Aibu to feel a bit sad and left out, just because we’re not there, don’t we count as much 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Theremoresefulday That’s why I stopped coming really as it was too much and just too far for them

@arethereanyleftatall As I said, it’s the thought. I’d love to be able to say ‘This is off grandma & grandad’ whether they sent it via Amazon or Moonpig etc or sent money and said to get something for Dd. I don’t know, that’s what I’d do

It's hard when people move away for a long time. It can seem like they have left you behind. Well, they have really haven't they..
it can't be easy for you and I would be a bit unhappy about this too.
But you're not there, so wouldn't be treated the same as if you were. Long distance relationships (all relationships) are hard to maintain.

I think, harshly, if you chose to live in another country these are the kind of things you have to understand will happen. You ARE further away. You will be less important in the family because they see you less. It’s the same with my husband’s family - we’re just naturally much closer to the closer siblings.

@smashingbaubles Do you really believe that myself and my Dd, 3 are *Less important in the family because we live further away, that’s awful

@BootySOS But why shouldn’t we be treated the same? It’s only gifts and thought at Christmas and isn’t difficult to do

Please ignore the comment about 'depends why you didn't go back'. What utter bullshit. You are not obligated to spend Christmas with your family in order to 'earn' their relationship, to travel an hour or two hours or from another country. That is such an entitled, judgemental ignorant comment!

In answer to your question, no, they just don't care. If they cared they wouldn't let any barrier get in the way of showing you they care. I am associating with many of your sentiments today, Merry bloody Christmas. Hope you're OK.

I get how you feel. My three children get nothing for Xmas or birthdays. No visits, no cards, no presents. Their grandparents live 10 mins away and give zero f**ks about them.

I think you need to mention it to your mum or dad. "Hi, DD is getting into Xmas now and asked about presents from you. Honestly you don't have to, but if you'd like to get her something I'd be happy to go out and get something from you if to transfer the money and tell me what you'd like her to have. I know it would make her Xmas".

Is it possible they haven't because she's so young? My 3.5yr old is only just realising and getting excited by Xmas now.

But why shouldn’t we be treated the same? It’s only gifts and thought at Christmas and isn’t difficult to do

Ask them if you feel like you are being unfairly treated?

I don't treat my friends and family who live over seas the same as I do my friends and family who are closer honestly because they are less prevalent in my life. I think of them less and contact them less.

[quote Alliwantforchristmasisbooze]**@smashingbaubles* Do you really believe that myself and my Dd, 3 are Less important in the family because we live further away, that’s awful[/quote]
I do, sorry. And clearly so does your family. “Family” is not about blood, it’s about what you put into it. If you live abroad you simply can’t put the same amount into it. I’m sure they love you massively but they don’t really know you in the same way you know people who you see very regularly, and in my experience that means that you aren’t quite considered as important as other family members who they know very well.

My family all live really close together, I'm only half an hour away but I might as well be a thousand miles away for they all tell each other everything and see each other every day and I'm just totally left out!

Not sure what the answer is op but it seems to normal to be left to it when you live (even slightly) farther away. Don't forget it has its benefits too though, at least you aren't expected to be there even when you don't want to be etc

Unfortunately I agree with others who say you likely aren't considered as close as those who live closer too. Distance makes relationships a lot harder to maintain and being physically close helps bonding, especially with children.

Out of sight, out of mind. I suspect it hasn't occured to them, although personally I think it's poor form and they SHOULD send gifts to all grandchildren; close or not.

@FriendshipsAreHardForMe That’s the thing, it would be nice to say x presents are from
Grandma & grandad. They send cards and mum makes a big deal about that, we don’t really bother with cards, it’s nice but 🤷🏻‍♀️

@MamaFirst Sorry it’s a similar situation for you 💐

@bootysos I wonder if you're a parent. We aren't talking about distant cousins or aunts once removed... This is their PARENTS. Their siblings. You think distance should impact those relationships to the extent they become basically irrelevant? I would question your relationships full stop if that is the case. They sound far more about convenience than affection.

They gave me money for Dd for her birthday as they were over staying with us for a few weeks at the time of her birthday. Even then it wasn’t much effort, just to choose something for her. Mum said she doesn’t know what Dd likes, I’ve mentioned lots of times what she’s into or that she can message/ring and ask me what she’d like
With my niece & nephew it was so much more effort, ordering things they specifically liked online, really going out of their way to make an effort.

@MamaFirst Exactly. I would hate if Dd happened to move away when she’s older and we had another dc close by and I treated them differently, one was more important than the other because they lived down the road.

I sympathize, I really do.

Our family is split between Canada, the US, and England. And my siblings are all in different places, two a good 6 hours drive away and one a long flight to the Eastern US.

It is very hard to organize all the gifts etc. and have them arrive on time etc.

I therefore have a confession. I rely on Amazon. I can shop on the UK site, the US site, and the Canadian one. I spend hours trying to find just the right thing for kids and grandkids. Then get the gift-wrap bag.

I feel quite good this year that I found fairly thoughtful gifts for our dear family in England. They seemed very pleased when we facetimed.

And thank you Mumsnet for teaching me about the chocolate velvetiser. It was a huge hit. I have never seen one here in Canada.

@smashingbaubles Wow, so my poor Dd should get treated differently and with less importance than my sisters children, poor her.
My sister lives two minutes away but mainly has my parents babysitting for her or paying for things.
My parents come to me for weeks on end where I cook and clean for them and take them out and do all sorts for them. Can’t imagine my sister ever making them a dinner! 🤷🏻‍♀️

You’ve chosen to live in a different country. It’s much more effort to send over presents to your DD. You say it’s not about the presents but you don’t appreciate the cards your parents send you? They think about you enough to send you cards and wish you well. That should be enough tbh,

You mentioned that you’ve sent presents before. Am I right in assuming you no longer send presents? Your sister is most likely sending presents for your parents’ birthdays, Christmas, etc. she’s probably running errands for her, checking on her, seeing her face to face. Etc

If you want the relationship, you have to build it. Or accept it for what it is .

I live away from my parents. My sisters’ children get treated differently because they’re in the same country. They visit their grandparents more often, etc. My children have never received a card or present from my parents for birthdays or Christmas but I understand that they don’t owe us any of these things.

My children still get very excited to talk to their grandparents on WhatsApp, etc. and they understand that their grandparents love them

@LoveFall That’s kind of you. I can only think that if Dd has children, no matter where they are, I wouldn’t not give a gift at birthdays & Christmas, and I especially wouldn’t get my other dc’s (if I had any) children’s gifts but not my child who lives away 🤷🏻‍♀️
I think it’s fairly easy to order online, they have my address, I say numerous times the things Dd loves, I’ve hinted so many times

@HikingforScenery My sister doesn’t run errands or check in on them, she gets lots of babysitting though and financial support. I’ve always been the one to help and do things for them.
I think that’s really sad your dcs haven’t ever received anything

@HikingforScenery I don’t send presents for my parents, have never done, they don’t send me, I don’t mind. It’s more about Dd, I see that as a different thing, if I had grandchildren, I definitely would.

[quote Alliwantforchristmasisbooze]@smashingbaubles Wow, so my poor Dd should get treated differently and with less importance than my sisters children, poor her.
My sister lives two minutes away but mainly has my parents babysitting for her or paying for things.
My parents come to me for weeks on end where I cook and clean for them and take them out and do all sorts for them. Can’t imagine my sister ever making them a dinner! 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
So your parents see your sister’s children extremely then? And have built a relationship with them? That’s just not possible to recreate with some occasional multi-week visits.
And when your parents visit you it sounds like they are in holiday/guest mindset, which is fair enough. They are basically on holiday. They can’t provide the same support to you as they do your sister. Your sister doesn’t have to ever make them a dinner to spend time with them (I’m not saying this is right, this sounds like she should be doing more, but it’s hard to say when it’s one sided.)
You have distanced yourself from the day to day dynamics of being a child, which is totally your prerogative. But that means they don’t have to be a day to day grandparent. Grandparents love isn’t unconditional, I don’t think.

extremely often that should say