Is my DH being unreasonable?

[Onlyrainbows]

My DH always gets annoyed that his DM always sends presents to his exW's house for Christmas, birthdays, etc.. instead to ours. Apparently he's already had a chat with his DM and my SIL. This year we hosted my MIL just before Christmas and made the effort of having an extra dinner and even opening the presents before the 25th so everybody could be present. Well it turns out (DSS messaged) that my MIL dropped some presents for them to open on the 25th. My DH is now all sulky because his mother just completely ignored his request. I don't think this will change and he should probably just let it go.

Does his Ex generally have the kids for Christmas/birthdays? If so he’s being unreasonable, his mum is doing a nice thing for her grandchildren, you can’t dictate how other people choose to give gifts

We have them on their birthdays (at least some point during the day). Christmas they're never here, but we always celebrate Christmas early so they don't miss out.

Ooh classic MN dilemma

DH or mil?

Are you saying MIL drops of gifts for the step kids and the main house were the step kids live?

*at the

Her presents, she’s buying them … unless there is some drama we don’t know about, she’s an hand them over whenever she likes.

@fallagin it's actually 50/50, they only spend Christmas there because we don't think it's fair on them to split the day.

But she’s dropping presents for them at the place they will be for Christmas? This sounds sweet tbh. It’s also good that she’s maintaining a relationship with ex and modelling to DC how to deal with change.

She also does it for their birthdays, even though they are with us on their birthdays.

I think your MIL is prioritising the children's feelings over your DH's. So in that respect your DH is BU. But I can understand why it upsets him.

MIL is being unfair. You do an early Christmas at yours so they don't have presents from their grandparents for that. Also, if they're at their dads on their birthday then it's just being ridiculous to take the presents elsewhere.

@hunter that's exactly how my DH feels.

Bet she doesn't want dh to know just exactly how much she spends on them...

I guess she takes their gifts to where they live. Maybe she also wants to retain a relationship with the ex. Whichever I think sulking and making a big issue out of this is pathetic. It is essentially up to your MIL when and how she gives gifts to her grandchildren.

I think she's doing the right thing by the DCs, she's taking their presents to their home (or at least their primary home). I can understand why your DH is upset by it but his reaction is excessive and selfish.

@cansu but they live in both places. They moved to this house when their DM got with their step dad, also the DC live 50/50 so they live in both homes the same amount of time.

They don't have a primary home, both homes are as primary as each other.

I think your DH isn’t being unreasonable but neither is your MIL. He is perfectly entitled to feel like this but at the end of the day his mother who is his childrens grandmother wants to be part of their day.
Presumably he made the decision to have an early Christmas and that is fine - having them spend the day at one place is a very good mature decision with his children at the centre.
His mother didn’t and presumably this means she never spends Christmas with her grandchildren. Rather than complaining or making her son feel bad (because it is the right decision) she would like to have them open gifts from her on Christmas Day which again is perfectly fine.
I think here he needs to look at the bigger picture and accept that simply taking a present around is fine

@HunterHearstHelmsley

MIL is being unfair. You do an early Christmas at yours so they don't have presents from their grandparents for that. Also, if they're at their dads on their birthday then it's just being ridiculous to take the presents elsewhere.

100% this!

When your DH raised it with her, did MIL give a reasonable explanation why she's doing this?

She never does because she lives 8 hours away, it was a rare event to have her around this year (and why I think it hurt my DH even more). We spent the closest we could get to have a Christmas all of us together and she still didn't give the presents at the time we all opened our presents.

I actually think that's really nice of the MIL. She's including the mother of her grandchildren in her present giving by dropping gifts off there. It's not taking anything away from your DHs Christmas Day but is adding extra to his DCs day.

The problem @Lady is that my DH feels excluded. Which I can also understand

Nope. Can't imagine I would ever do this on any of my sons if they ever find themselves divorced and co-parenting. Really bad form on your MILs part and I would be very upset if my mother did this.

Why does he mind? He gives his kids gifts. He has them 50% of the time. Why does it matter that she visits them at their other home? I suppose he needs to consider that he is divorced but that MIL may well feel that his previous family is still her family. Do MIL and ex have a god relationship?

@cansu it's not about visiting them she livrd 8 hours away, so that never happens. Is the idea that his missing out on seeing his children's reaction to opening his DMs presents. At points we've also struggled financially and those presents never made it to our home, so this household would miss out on those toys / bedding whatever it is.