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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my DH being unreasonable?

68 replies

Onlyrainbows · 25/12/2021 10:18

My DH always gets annoyed that his DM always sends presents to his exW's house for Christmas, birthdays, etc.. instead to ours. Apparently he's already had a chat with his DM and my SIL. This year we hosted my MIL just before Christmas and made the effort of having an extra dinner and even opening the presents before the 25th so everybody could be present. Well it turns out (DSS messaged) that my MIL dropped some presents for them to open on the 25th. My DH is now all sulky because his mother just completely ignored his request. I don't think this will change and he should probably just let it go.

OP posts:
cansu · 25/12/2021 13:17

Then why does she do this?

  1. She has a preference for his ex - is this the case?
  2. She has misunderstood the set up.
Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 25/12/2021 13:24

No idea @cansu. My DH some part of it can be that she clings to "the good old days". She clearly also tries to keep a relationship with all of her DC exes, to the extent that the current partners of some of the ones involved get annoyed. (My SILs DP and my SKs stepdad is another example). Yes they might be insecure, but even my DHs exW doesn't feel comfortable with how pushy my MIL can be (she ignores her phone calls for example). I personally don't care because I'll never have a close relationship with mi MIL for multitude of reasons, but I can understand the awkwardness of it.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 25/12/2021 13:29

When your husband was married to his ex, did he leave it to her to manage all social contact and “events” with his mother?

Does she actually understand what 50/50 means? That it is real?

What did she actually say when he brought it up?

I can imagine her wanting to in their minds on Xmas Day, and doubling up on presents for that reason. She already gave presents at yours - were they similar excitement level? If so, I think it’s a bit odd to be concerned about missing out on reactions.

I think the birthdays thing is odd - but again, I’m wondering if it’s against a backdrop of the ex managing all the, “well they’d like xyz” for years?

oftenbaffled · 25/12/2021 13:31

For some reason, this is what your MIL wants

So let it go and encourage your DH to do so.

Life is just too short

Bigger picture is… your son has some presents to open from his grandma on Christmas Day. End of

Brunilde · 25/12/2021 13:32

Has he ever asked her for a reason. Personally I think it's always better to get presents on the actual day. I know it's not always practical when families are separated but second Christmas isn't actually Christmas it is, so it doesn't feel as special.

Also if they always wake up at their mums house she might think they would like to open them in the morning.

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she's doing it for the children's benefit rather than to hurt anyone.

cansu · 25/12/2021 13:36

So there is your answer. She likes to keep those family connections. If she insists on doing this, your dh needs to stop sulking about it. She is obviously not willing to change and therefore what is the point being upset about it?

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 25/12/2021 13:37

@cocomarine yes my DH doesn't move a finger (he's that type of man) and I'm not the type of person who would cover for his slack. I still thank people and send like happy birthday/Christmas/new year messages over text rather than cards through the post.

OP posts:
oftenbaffled · 25/12/2021 13:46

She probably wants the presents opened in a happy environment,not

And on basis of your last comment re your DH, I’m guessing your isn’t

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 25/12/2021 13:49

She wouldn't know this @often

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 25/12/2021 13:54

[quote Onlyrainbows]@cocomarine yes my DH doesn't move a finger (he's that type of man) and I'm not the type of person who would cover for his slack. I still thank people and send like happy birthday/Christmas/new year messages over text rather than cards through the post. [/quote]
Sounds like she thinks that family events and presents are “wifework” (possibly quite independently of him, so many do…) and his attitude has only embedded that.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 25/12/2021 13:55

Why does he feel entitled to benefit from the presents when he hasn't bought them? They're from her, not him.

Sounds like she knows he's a lazy, entitled, immature twat and isn't letting his childish demands to bask in the reflected glow of 'MY MUM bought you those' outweigh the actual children's emotional needs - which includes having presents to open on the day itself.

It's unusual on here for a GM to determinedly put the kids' welfare above the feels of her son. Good on her.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 25/12/2021 13:57

this household would miss out on those toys

He's jealous because the children have toys he can't keep?

C152 · 25/12/2021 14:09

@HunterHearstHelmsley

MIL is being unfair. You do an early Christmas at yours so they don't have presents from their grandparents for that. Also, if they're at their dads on their birthday then it's just being ridiculous to take the presents elsewhere.
I don't see that she is being unfair. She's dropping the presents she has bought for her grandchildren at the place they'll be on Christmas day. Why should she drop the presents anywhere else and have the grandkids open them early if she doesn't want to? Is it any less fair for the children's mother to miss out on them opening presents? Perhaps your MIL thinks opening all presents early takes some of the magic out of Christmas and she'd rather they open them on the day? Frankly, it doesn't really matter why she does it. This isn't about your DH and his feelings. This is about his children, which it sounds like his mother treats well, which he should be grateful for. I would be happy my mother bought presents for my child and went out of her way to drop them off personally.
ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs · 25/12/2021 14:17

I understand he's upset, upset for you. It seems that MIL prioritises his ex, and thinks of her as his partner and mother of his children more than you. I'm wondering why you aren't hurt, in particular? As this seems a pointed snub of you.

ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs · 25/12/2021 14:19

And no, your DH is not being unreasonable. It's refreshing that he seems to care. Many of the DHs on here wouldn't care that their mother snubs their wife in favour of an ex. Your DH seems sensitive to you and how you feel.

ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs · 25/12/2021 14:21

If she keeps sending it to his ex-wife's home, despite being asked not to, she is making a pointed and spiteful snipe. It says that she doesn't consider you family, and considers his ex-wife family.

oftenbaffled · 25/12/2021 14:25

@Onlyrainbows

She wouldn't know this *@often*
She will know her son is “that type of man” Which generally doesn’t bode for a happy family in 2021
Quartz2208 · 25/12/2021 14:25

@Onlyrainbows

She wouldn't know this *@often*
So it is an unhappy environment

He is her son maybe she does know him

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 25/12/2021 14:36

It's a pretty happy environment it's just on Christmas day that my DH gets unhappy because he misses seeing his kids. I don't think she's snubbing me at all, but I can understand why my DH feels disrespected by his own DM when he's repeatedly asked her not to do it.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 25/12/2021 14:41

Why’s he asking her to do not do it though? Seems very selfish at Christmas, she’s giving the gifts where the kids mainly live and where they will be Christmas morning. That’s correct,

Tell him it’s not about him, it’s about the kids.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 25/12/2021 14:49

@bluntness but they mainly live at both there's no "main" home. It also happens on their birthdays and the kids are with us then, which is why my DH is annoyed as he amalgamates all present giving into one.

OP posts:
cansu · 25/12/2021 15:09

The main thing is surely that the kids get gifts from the people who love them. Wanting the gifts to all be at his is perhaps so that they stay at your house? Are you one of those families where toys and clothes are not allowed at the other parent's house? If so this might be linked to that??

NeverDropYourMooncup · 25/12/2021 15:16

[quote Onlyrainbows]@bluntness but they mainly live at both there's no "main" home. It also happens on their birthdays and the kids are with us then, which is why my DH is annoyed as he amalgamates all present giving into one. [/quote]
So their Mum doesn't get to see them open presents at all if he gets his way?

That's not right. If there is no 'main' home, he doesn't get to monopolise their presents.

Maxiedog123 · 25/12/2021 15:29

To me it seems reasonable that your MIL sends the presents to where the children will be on the day. But she is inconsistent. Presents to exWife house when kids are at hers for Christmas Fair enough, but why??? Presents to exWife house when kids are at their dads on birthdays. Very odd, presumably deliberate to make some point.

Wingedharpy · 25/12/2021 15:34

I wonder if part of her reasoning is about sending a visible message to exW along the lines of "Well you may be divorced from my son but I still love your kids and will continue to be their Granny no matter what".
She'll always be your DH Mum, so possibly feels that relationship has potentially fewer pitfalls compared with an exD-I-L.