Is my DH being unreasonable?

[Onlyrainbows]

My DH always gets annoyed that his DM always sends presents to his exW's house for Christmas, birthdays, etc.. instead to ours. Apparently he's already had a chat with his DM and my SIL. This year we hosted my MIL just before Christmas and made the effort of having an extra dinner and even opening the presents before the 25th so everybody could be present. Well it turns out (DSS messaged) that my MIL dropped some presents for them to open on the 25th. My DH is now all sulky because his mother just completely ignored his request. I don't think this will change and he should probably just let it go.

Maybe she just likes the women. Especially as she is the mother to her grandchildren, so it’s not like they aren’t going to have any relationship, might as well be a good one.
I wouldn’t have a problem with it, I think it’s a good thing if I’m honest.

@never but the current status quo, my DHs is the one "monopolising" the presents the DC spend their birthdays at both homes.

I think the comments about a “primary” gone show to some people (MIL included?) the kid’s mum’s house will always be their real home. It seems clear that whatever other occasions are organised, MIL doesn’t consider those to be the ‘primary’ , ‘real’ or ‘important’ one.

So I agree with you, she won’t change. If your DH was a modern self actualised person I’d suggest he works this out in therapy. But your other comments suggest he’s not that type. So I guess he’ll just continue seething.

Are you happy though? With a man who doesn’t lift a finger to coordinate anything and then complains as what others do.

*home not ‘gone’ FFS

He only complains because he feels hurt, and I can see why. The other stuff I really couldn't care less. It's his family and if he doesn't put any effort it's not for me to do it. He's great at organising my birthday and mother's Day so no complaints there.

She wants them to have presents from her on Christmas Day there's nothing wrong with that 🤷🏻‍♀️ DH is being ridiculous and he first get to control when or where other people give his children gifts.

So did she come for the early Christmas at yours and sit with her son and grandkids while they all exchanged presents and then dropped her presents to the kids off at their mother's house?

On the face of it MIL is U.

But she lives far away and has got into the habit of posting stuff to his ex’s. She may not understand the 50/50 residency or take the view that his ex’s is the DCs’ main home (you insist they have no ‘main’ home - the DC may - or may not - think and feel differently). And your H didn’t/ doesn’t ‘lift a finger’ as regards gifts or the hard work of birthdays and xmas, so presumably his ex did all that and his mum knows it.

Why can't people read! The kids don't have a primary home. They spend equal time at both houses. The Christmas thing is more acceptable but the birthday thing is weird and rude to DH...

She wants the exW to know that she is a caring grandparent incase the relationship between her (the ex) and her Son turns particularly sour and she (the ex) tries to stop any contact with her side of the family and throw a 'his mother never bothered with the dc' into the mix.
She's worried the mother doesn't know she's gift giving if the items are at your house.

I think she’s being a bit strange. If you did an early Christmas for the DC that she was present at, why wouldn’t she give her gifts then?? Was there sone kind of miscommunication.

Can DH say to her “ hey mum next time we do an early Christmas at our house for the DC can you please give your presents to them then. It would mean a lot to me for you to see them open the gifts and I think it would be lovely for you to see that too. Can we agree now that that’s what you will do”. Then see what she says.

It almost seems like there is some communication going on between MIL and the DCs mum. And that they have agreed between them that this is what will happen.

Thank you @wise I think you sum it up perfectly. l can understand the Christmas stuff (because of dates) but the birthdays? Clearly she just got to the habit of it, and no I put no effort, but my DH does (he sends her flowers for her birthday/mother's Day). The DC have moved around, so I would also understand it if they still lived in the house they grew up in, but they don't. I genuinely don't mind at this point (personally) but my DH still can't get over it. I think to him, it was ok or loveable because he never got to see his DM around these specific dates but now that she's stayed with us and we made a point of celebrating Christmas so she felt included, felt (to my DH) like the last straw on the camel's back.

Is there a history of conflict? My ex mil gives gifts to her son to pass along and he doesn't bother if its cash (he pockets it) so if I was ever a mil I would most likely send it to the mother because I've been in the situation feeling ex mil has dumped her grandchildren without a second thought now we have split (his ex fiance told me what happened after they split)

No, no history of conflict. She doesn't have an established relationship with me, but that should be completely irrelevant here as it's between her DS and her.

So let your H deal with it: he’s spoken to her about it before and has the option to do so again.

I'm actually totally on your DH's side here. He's not some useless muppet who never sees his kids - he has them 50/50 and is teaching them (as Sophie Ellis Bexter said in her emergency xmas disco) that Xmas is a season not a day.
And she's going against that - deliberately.
I'd read that as a pointed rebuke that they're not together and a rather sly way of punishing him.
I'd support him by saying his emotions are justified. Equally he'll not change her so he needs to deal with how he responds.

@Onlyrainbows

She also does it for their birthdays, even though they are with us on their birthdays.

What does she say when your DH asks her why?

@waltzing she just remains quiet as far as I know..