Surprise on Christmas Eve- AIBU??

[GingernutConspiracy]

Having a family crisis on Christmas Eve 😩
Parents live a 4 hour drive away from us and our immediate family is small - just them, my brother and myself. My parents only come to visit a few times a year and with Covid it's been even less (they're in their 70s) I'm a single parent of an eleven year old and have, like everyone else, been living in bubbles throughout out all. I have a career I love, I work full time and have to book time off long in advance - I got 5 days for the xmas hols. We finally make it to Christmas, all double vaccinated with them getting the booster 2 weeks ago and me yesterday. They wanted to treat everyone and have dinner in a hotel (my Mum always prefers this also). My daughter was only just too young to get her vaccinations but as we've all been so careful in the lead up to Christmas, we waited for the big 'pay off' over the holidays. I let them know I wasn't feeling great the evening before and we confirmed meeting early on Christmas Day, them being here to watch my daughter open her presents drinks etc. So around 11am today, no warning, I am having a lie-down with a mild reaction to the booster and someone starts banging on the front door. After a few minutes, I open it and there they are without warning asking why Im 'still' in my dressing gown. They also passed me presents that were from my brother which made me ask why he couldn't exchange with the rest of us on xmas day. Turns out he had told them he had made other plans and now wouldn't be joining. They demanded I hand them our presents for him, which I did and off they went. Right after, I both texted and called my brother but he hasn't replied, even at 11pm. Later on, I was on the phone with my parents who confessed to me he had told them he is a non-vaxer etc. When they pressed him for more info he apparently laughed it off as if it were a joke and then told them he HAD gotten both jabs after all. But he couldn't show any cards or proof of this, in spite of knowing full well for well over 6 weeks that he wouldn't be able to get into the hotel for the xmas dinner. We have had our cards laminated and our Covid passports are at the ready. Loads of planning has gone into it all. He wasn't wearing a mask and they told me they'd spent about 3 hours in his house. I asked my parents whether they believed his claim to be vaccinated and they say yes, but I have a nagging suspicion he has lied and put them (and potentially also then us) at risk. I am now at a loss at what to do re.tomorrow. Do I go along anyway to the dinner with my unvaccinated daughter? When I expressed my worry, my mother basically told me I'd ruin Christmas and blamed me for what's happened etc (she tends to always do this generally). I feel really unsure. I'm prepared with plenty of food etc at my house so worst case, at least we wouldn't be stuck but then they say they won't bother going to the dinner if I don't show up. He certainly won't be going either way, without proof of vacs, as the hotel won't let him in! I am outraged by this and stressed to the max. It feels like everything hangs on me for xmas day. What the hell would you do??? 🙈

* [title edited by MNHQ] * **

@GingernutConspiracy

I should have added a bit to the back story - the last xmas before lockdown I had everyone staying at mine for a week or so. I love family xmas, cooking, baking etc, it used to be my favourite time of year but not now. My brother had a mental breakdown on xmas day and went berserk at everyone before grabbing me (nearest person unfortunately) locking me in a bathroom screaming absolute madness and then attempting to strangle me, with my daughter outside crying Mummy the whole time. I did get out safe and no one was harmed thankfully but I left soon after and diid not return until NY. He did seek some kind of help afterwards, but I've never had an explanation or apology and to this day my mother blames me for somehow 'provoking' him - she now takes any opportunity to guilt trip me with this incident and when things don't go her way, she somehow makes it all about her...it's a sodding nightmare. If I'm honest, I enjoyed lockdown as it meant I got to have xmas my way, quiet and peaceful and lovely, before back to work.

I’m really sorry but your daughter cannot be around this guy, or around your mother if she excuses it.

If he’d had extensive help and treatment, acknowledged the trauma he caused you and her and discussed with you how you can be sure it will never happen again, then he could be under the same roof as her. I’m speaking here as someone who’s had to have conversations like this with a sibling before allowing her to spend time with my children.

I think covid has nothing to do with your issues. Why tolerate abusive family members?

Also I’m not always on top of new guidance but I thought the proof of negative test or proof of vaccines was just for large events like clubs etc and not for restaurants.

My mother is exactly the same about my brother when he’s been violent to me right in front of her. For no reason and without provocation. You need therapy op. You’re in trauma and I’m betting far more awful things have happened in your family than you’re saying right now.

Your dd will be fine vis a vis covid. Idk about how she will be regarding your brother. She must be petrified of him. My dd also witnessed the attacks.

What do you want to do?

After your update I would stay away from them unless things are resolved with your brother.

Does your dd want to go or is she scared of him? If she’s scared of him I wouldn’t take her.

@MimiDaisy11

I think covid has nothing to do with your issues. Why tolerate abusive family members?

Also I’m not always on top of new guidance but I thought the proof of negative test or proof of vaccines was just for large events like clubs etc and not for restaurants.

Hospitality venues have the legal right to refuse entry or service to anyone for any reason. So if this particular venue has insisted on proof then they are well within their rights to do so. Proof of vaccines for large events etc is just the legal minimum.

Take a deep breath and think about what you would choose to do if you could just do whatever you want to do with no repercussions.

Then do that. Because no matter what you do your mother is not going to be happy.

Your family do all sound a bit batshit in various ways and you have my sympathy but I would certainly still go to the hotel meal in your position. I don't think there's any advantage gained or significant risk avoided if you don't go. Your brother won't be there so everyone there will be vaxxed up and unlikely to be infectious, and unless you are going to dripfeed otherwise there's no CEV people who would be protected by you boycotting it. I think you arebeing a taf overdramatc and need to calm down and have as merry a Christmas as can reasonably be achieved under the circumstances

That's one hell of a drip feed.

I'd keep my DD away from these people until they learned boundaries and not to accept/excuse his behaviour

In terms of your update, I'd be cutting the lot of them off. Can you imagine the fear your child felt when your brother bundled you into the bathroom and started strangling you? As for your mother, I can't quite grasp what she thinks you could have said to your brother that compelled him to try to strangle you and frighten your daughter so badly. I'd be telling them where to stick their Christmas lunch and it wouldn't be because of your brother's uncertain vaccine status either. They sound a poisonous bunch

So you don't eat to go because your family are arseholes?

That's fine. But you knew that before finding out about your dbros vaccination status. They were arseholes before. So you agreed to go to this.....now at last minute are scrambling to find an excuse, that blames your brother for not going.

Sounds like the whole covid thing is just an excuse to not go. Which makes no sense, because the whole covid thing is no reason to not go.

I don't believe for a second, that your dd or you have not been around people who are not vaccinated. Since she is a child at school.

Sounds like your family are arseholes. But also sounds like you are over dramatic and looking for out and this way you can blame him. I suspect you all hold some responsibility in the dramatics.

Oh and not sure where you live. But I am in England and we haven't had to show vaccination status or negative lft to eat in a hotel

@museumum

I don’t understand why you’re so worried - presumably your daughter has been in school with loads of other unvaccinated children? Yes your brother might have had it asymptotically and passed it to your parents and there’s a small chance in 24 hours they could become infectious but really it’s all very unlikely.

Your brother can get in with a negative lateral flow (or you can in Wales).

I’d still go to the meal if I were you.

@LoisLane66

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I’m not sure you quite understand how vaccines work.

@GingernutConspiracy

I know I'll somehow get the blame if my brother doesn't show tomorrow, regardless of how he's managed this.

They may try to give you the blame but you don't have to take it.

It's your brother's fault if he has no proof and can't get in.
I'd be staying at home - and never arranging anything with these people again.

Well that’s a late contender for dripfeed of the year 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your parents spent time with him, but if they caught it from him they won’t have incubated it quickly enough to become infectious to you / your Dd the very next day.

Just ask them to do a new LFT. In the new ones currently being distributed the instructions say that if you have no symptoms it tells you whether or not you are infectious.

Your brother is a headfuck.

Get your parents to do a LFT each day they are with you.

Go for dinner.

@Kbish1

Oh and not sure where you live. But I am in England and we haven't had to show vaccination status or negative lft to eat in a hotel

Venues can choose their own restrictions. So although legally a person over 18 can drink in a pub or go to a club, they can't if the pub or club is over 21's or over 25's say. So equally a hotel can refuse to admit a person without showing proof of vaccination status, and its perfectly legal. This hotel requires proof and there is no right of admittance.

I think I might be thick because I don't understand this at all. What's the actual worry?

I think your New Years resolution should be to learn some boundaries and tell your db and parents that you won’t tolerate this behaviour anymore.
Go to the dinner and as you leave tell them this.

I believe that having umpteen vaccines suppresses your own immunity so I decide against having any

As part of the campaign to get people vaccinated there should have been some education on how vaccines work. Some of the stuff people come out with.