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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Surprise on Christmas Eve- AIBU??

99 replies

GingernutConspiracy · 24/12/2021 23:34

Having a family crisis on Christmas Eve 😩
Parents live a 4 hour drive away from us and our immediate family is small - just them, my brother and myself. My parents only come to visit a few times a year and with Covid it's been even less (they're in their 70s) I'm a single parent of an eleven year old and have, like everyone else, been living in bubbles throughout out all. I have a career I love, I work full time and have to book time off long in advance - I got 5 days for the xmas hols. We finally make it to Christmas, all double vaccinated with them getting the booster 2 weeks ago and me yesterday. They wanted to treat everyone and have dinner in a hotel (my Mum always prefers this also). My daughter was only just too young to get her vaccinations but as we've all been so careful in the lead up to Christmas, we waited for the big 'pay off' over the holidays. I let them know I wasn't feeling great the evening before and we confirmed meeting early on Christmas Day, them being here to watch my daughter open her presents drinks etc. So around 11am today, no warning, I am having a lie-down with a mild reaction to the booster and someone starts banging on the front door. After a few minutes, I open it and there they are without warning asking why Im 'still' in my dressing gown. They also passed me presents that were from my brother which made me ask why he couldn't exchange with the rest of us on xmas day. Turns out he had told them he had made other plans and now wouldn't be joining. They demanded I hand them our presents for him, which I did and off they went. Right after, I both texted and called my brother but he hasn't replied, even at 11pm. Later on, I was on the phone with my parents who confessed to me he had told them he is a non-vaxer etc. When they pressed him for more info he apparently laughed it off as if it were a joke and then told them he HAD gotten both jabs after all. But he couldn't show any cards or proof of this, in spite of knowing full well for well over 6 weeks that he wouldn't be able to get into the hotel for the xmas dinner. We have had our cards laminated and our Covid passports are at the ready. Loads of planning has gone into it all. He wasn't wearing a mask and they told me they'd spent about 3 hours in his house. I asked my parents whether they believed his claim to be vaccinated and they say yes, but I have a nagging suspicion he has lied and put them (and potentially also then us) at risk. I am now at a loss at what to do re.tomorrow. Do I go along anyway to the dinner with my unvaccinated daughter? When I expressed my worry, my mother basically told me I'd ruin Christmas and blamed me for what's happened etc (she tends to always do this generally). I feel really unsure. I'm prepared with plenty of food etc at my house so worst case, at least we wouldn't be stuck but then they say they won't bother going to the dinner if I don't show up. He certainly won't be going either way, without proof of vacs, as the hotel won't let him in! I am outraged by this and stressed to the max. It feels like everything hangs on me for xmas day. What the hell would you do??? 🙈

* [title edited by MNHQ] * **

OP posts:
humdingle · 25/12/2021 00:05

Umm 🤔 what's the worry?

Itsalmostanaccessory · 25/12/2021 00:05

Vaccination doesnt stop people from carving and spreading the virus. Your brother is of no more risk to you and your family than anyone else, vaccinated or not.

The point of the vaccine is that it stops you getting very sick, which stops you needing hospital treatment, which keeps our hospital operational for all, which allows us to go on with life.

The vaccines are to keep healthcare available for all needs. Without vaccines, hospitals are full. If hospitals are full then all treatments are cancelled and people die from everything other than covid as well. With people unable to get treatment, and more people in hospital with covid, the economy starts to shut down due to lack of healthy workers.

The vaccine is for that. Not to stop it spreading.

Your brother being unvaccinated has no direct effect on you and your family. It simply ducks the country up if him and all his unvaccinated idiot friends get sick and fill up hospitals.

Go to dinner. If he gets in, you're as safe as you are with anyone else.

LazySundayPlease · 25/12/2021 00:06

I don't understand the problem tbh!

Fupoffyagrasshole · 25/12/2021 00:06

I have no idea what the drama is all about tbh

Hawkins001 · 25/12/2021 00:09

All the best with either option , op

PigletInABlanketJohn · 25/12/2021 00:10

Good to hear that you and your parents are vaxxed

It's your brother that has the problem

And seemingly nobody knows what he will (try to) do.

User2638483 · 25/12/2021 00:14

I don’t quite understand either why it affects you and your daughter and the dinner,
Yes it would be annoying if he’s lied and can’t get in.
Yes he’s a bjt silly not to get vaccinated.
But I would just be grateful you’ve got to xmas day without the virus (unlike many!) and go and enjoy your meal. Chances are your daughter will get it at some point soon and be absolutely fine.

Bouncer500 · 25/12/2021 00:16

Your brother might not get in but I don't understand why you wouldn't go. It can't be because your parents have been around an unvaccinated person as so have you, your daughter and you've probably been around other unvaccinated people too in the last week. If your DD has been at school she will have been around plenty of unvaccinated people. Be sad or annoyed that your brother won't be there but it shouldn't stop you going.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/12/2021 00:19

It's really hard to grasp what your issue is. You seem really paranoid.

Arabelladrinkstea · 25/12/2021 00:26

This is a perfect example of the mass hysteria created by the news outlets.

As everyone has explained, just go enjoy the time with your family.
Life is precious,
Hug your loved ones tight and spend some wonderful time together!

user1481840227 · 25/12/2021 00:27

Wow this sounds super dramatic.
Why are you considering not going now?

It's like there is no rational thought at all going on here.
Do you realise that despite being double vaccinated and getting a booster and being so careful up until now that you could still in fact catch covid at the dinner? and not just from your brother...from absolutely anyone else in there.

It stuns me when people are so worried about being around unvaccinated people while at the same time will be happy to be around large groups of vaccinated people, even though you can still catch it from them. Bizarre!

NumberTheory · 25/12/2021 00:32

As others say - since your brother can’t get in, what’s the problem? Have you failed to mention that you or your DD are CEV or something?

Your parents spent several hours at your brother’s house. But he’s not showing symptoms of covid and they’re vaccinated. So there’s no reason to be that concerned that your parents will pass it on to you. Lots of people have spent lots of time around unvaccinated people (you must spend most of the day around your DD, for instance), that doesn’t mean they need to be avoided.

baroqueandblue · 25/12/2021 00:33

It's bombshell, not 'bomb'. Your thread title could be triggering for some people, and alarmed me.

Anyway, I hope you manage to relax and enjoy your Christmas break somehow.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 25/12/2021 00:45

Of course you are YANBU. Your parents and brother are arses. I'd only not go but I'd tip off the restaurant that your brother is likey unvaccinated so he does not put others at risk.

user1481840227 · 25/12/2021 00:55

@YetAnotherSpartacus

Of course you are YANBU. Your parents and brother are arses. I'd only not go but I'd tip off the restaurant that your brother is likey unvaccinated so he does not put others at risk.
WOW. Do you realise that those people are at risk even if everyone in the restaurant is vaccinated?
GingernutConspiracy · 25/12/2021 01:06

I should have added a bit to the back story - the last xmas before lockdown I had everyone staying at mine for a week or so. I love family xmas, cooking, baking etc, it used to be my favourite time of year but not now. My brother had a mental breakdown on xmas day and went berserk at everyone before grabbing me (nearest person unfortunately) locking me in a bathroom screaming absolute madness and then attempting to strangle me, with my daughter outside crying Mummy the whole time. I did get out safe and no one was harmed thankfully but I left soon after and diid not return until NY. He did seek some kind of help afterwards, but I've never had an explanation or apology and to this day my mother blames me for somehow 'provoking' him - she now takes any opportunity to guilt trip me with this incident and when things don't go her way, she somehow makes it all about her...it's a sodding nightmare. If I'm honest, I enjoyed lockdown as it meant I got to have xmas my way, quiet and peaceful and lovely, before back to work.

OP posts:
GingernutConspiracy · 25/12/2021 01:08

I know I'll somehow get the blame if my brother doesn't show tomorrow, regardless of how he's managed this.

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 25/12/2021 01:17

I opened this thinking it was about an actual bomb. Going to bed now.

chopc · 25/12/2021 01:17

@GingernutConspiracy I know they are blood but why do you want to spend Christmas with such shitty people? Start making your own Christmas traditions with your daughter

Justilou1 · 25/12/2021 01:17

I think it sounds like you have a bit of a “Golden Child” & “Scapegoat” pathology in your family. (Dominant mother/spineless father - guilt trips and manipulation from them and fear-based response at your end.) Perhaps you need to unpack this yourself with some counselling. Distance and lack of contact is best for your MH and DD’s too.

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/12/2021 01:19

Leave them to it.

You and DD have your Xmas, turn your phone off and make it clear that this is how it going to be from now on. You are being manipulated by your mother who is at best scapegoating you for the Golden Child or at worse being maniplulated in her turn by your abusive brother.

Frankly I wouldnt have had anything to do with any of them after the assault on you and then them blaming you for him trying to kill you.

Look up FOG and the Stately Homes thread....its eye opening.

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/12/2021 01:20

outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/emotional-abuse

This is what your parents are doing to you.

GatoradeMeBitch · 25/12/2021 01:21

Well don't take the blame. Ask explicitly how it is your fault.

The older I get, the more scorched earth my reactions tend to get, and I appreciate not everyone finds that the best way to live, but at the moment you and your mother are both participating in a series of lies to falsely frame you as the screw-up and your brother as perfect. You don't have to participate in that. You can challenge it. I'm assuming you don't have full and frank conversations, but your mother throws out barbs and loaded comments and you cringe and say nothing? You can change that narrative. Stand up for yourself. It's not like your mother can think much worse of you, is it?

gofg · 25/12/2021 01:55

Another one who doesn't understand the dilemma. Just go to the lunch.

NumberTheory · 25/12/2021 02:32

@GingernutConspiracy

I should have added a bit to the back story - the last xmas before lockdown I had everyone staying at mine for a week or so. I love family xmas, cooking, baking etc, it used to be my favourite time of year but not now. My brother had a mental breakdown on xmas day and went berserk at everyone before grabbing me (nearest person unfortunately) locking me in a bathroom screaming absolute madness and then attempting to strangle me, with my daughter outside crying Mummy the whole time. I did get out safe and no one was harmed thankfully but I left soon after and diid not return until NY. He did seek some kind of help afterwards, but I've never had an explanation or apology and to this day my mother blames me for somehow 'provoking' him - she now takes any opportunity to guilt trip me with this incident and when things don't go her way, she somehow makes it all about her...it's a sodding nightmare. If I'm honest, I enjoyed lockdown as it meant I got to have xmas my way, quiet and peaceful and lovely, before back to work.
This makes zero sense (much like your OP). How has lock down meant you got to have christmas your way?

The first you you got strangled by your brother and this year you're in a complete tizz about a meal that is your mum's idea of a good way to do Christmas lunch that your brother won't be attending and so now you won't.

You start this post saying you love family christmas and end up saying your ideal christmas is a quiet, peaceful one.

Have you considered going low contact with your family and getting yourself some counselling? You don't seem to be able to think coherently about them at all. The fact you were prepared to go meet up with your brother this year when he tried to strangle you last year is mind boggling all by itself.