To wonder if love really is conditional

[LilyGoLightly]

One of the final straws for my relationship was being told, after I had said that I felt unloved and unsupported, that I might feel more loved and supported if I showed him more respect.

This was after I had been struggling to sort out childcare (our arrangements feel through at the last minute) for DC (one of which has SEN). He ignored me when I talked about how difficult I was finding it because, he later said ‘he knew how I would react’ to whatever he said.

I felt heartbroken at what he said because I guess I loved him unconditionally, but I wasn’t good enough.

He’s right that I got tired and stressed sometimes. Maybe I wasn’t deserving of his love though.

Is love conditional like that?

I don’t think anyone should feel that unconditional love is something to aim for.

Of course love is conditional. Most people would end a relationship and fall out of love if they found out their partner was a murderer or abused children or something but also less extreme conditions such as if someone was violent or passive aggressive. Its rarely unconditional.

Love is only unconditional for immediate family. Kids, parents.

Like if your kids did something unthinkable, I think youd still love them because of the bond you have when they are growing up, even if you could never look at them or chose to cut them off.

Like pp, not something to aim aim for with a relationship. I think of that's an aim you're more likely to put up with unacceptable shit on the basis that you think you're showing unconditional love.

The only unconditional love I have is for my kids. Everyone else, absolutely not.

I have unconditional love for my children but not my DH or even my parents.

@TeeBee

The only unconditional love I have is for my kids. Everyone else, absolutely not.

This. 100%.

Romantic love should be conditional. Can you imagine if it was unconditional? Your partner could do absolutely anything and you'd still love them. That's very unhealthy.

I too only have unconditional love for my children.

For me it’s only my mum, dad and brother (I have no kids). We bickered, me and my brother especially, and there were periods where we fell out for years, but I never didn’t love him. He died this year and I think of him every day.

Of course most love is conditional! The only people I love unconditionally are the dc and the dog.

I love dp with all my heart, but if he started being abusive I'm pretty sure my love for him would disappear. Ditto my parents, brother, friends. It is good to have boundaries!

Maybe I wasn’t deserving of his love though

OP, that’s a sad statement to make. I agree with PP that romantic love is conditional , but please don’t think you are undeserving because your relationship foundered.
Maybe it had run it’s course; maybe there’s something better for you in the future; maybe he’s just a dick.

Either way, first of all love yourself.

No, I think unconditional love really only truly applies to your children (and even then it doesn't mean you can't go no contact when they're older.

However neither should it be withheld or used in the way he was. He didn't treat you very well & you should try to rebuild your self esteem & look forwards, not backwards. He wasn't worthy of your love, move on & in time, find someone that is.

I love my dd unconditionally, no question. I can't imagine that ever changing.

I don't love anyone else like that. I find it a bit odd to think that you'd expect that tbh. Surely, love for a partner is always conditional to some extent - we all have red lines, don't we?

I think unconditional love for a partner is toxic. It'll leave you miserable. Love isn't enough.

I don't believe unconditional love is the norm for partners. Kids yes, partners definitely not.

I love my OH very very much and we are very happy together but my love for him is conditional on loads of things - him treating me well, him not being a child abuser, him not being racist, him not being homophobic, etc, etc.

My child could do horrendous things and while I may not like them or want to see them as a result I would still always have that love for them.

Unconditional love for children, yes, I can't imagine anything they could do that could stop me loving them .... even murder/prison I'd be devastated but would still love them.

However, DH could destroy my love with infidelity, abuse, unkindness, lots of things. We would put up with a lot more from our kids than our OHs IMO.

Love should definitely not be unconditional between partners / spouses. It should be conditional upon respect, trust, being treated correctly etc.

Unconditional love is primarily between parent and child.

Unconditional romantic love doesn't really exist with partners. You didn't love him unconditionally.

If he raped and murdered someone, would you still love him? Are you really saying that he could do anything and you would still be in love with him?

I only love my dc unconditionally.

Your ex sounds like a manipulative shit by the way

Unconditional love? .... of course not. I could fall out of love in a heartbeat if my OH had started beating me up; or had an affair; or .......

Of course love is conditional. For all the depraved reasons already mentioned.
We set out our own standards. Your dh has set you some unkind unrealistic ones.

Love between two adults is conditional. He sounds like a bit of a jerk though.

Don't be a doormat. Why is sorting childcare your responsibility? Is refusing to acknowledge you when you're talking "respectful"? No it bloody is not.

Of course it is.

My kids are the only people I love unconditionally. Love for a partner is completely different. I think it might be worth you getting some counselling to focus on why you felt that you loved someone like that who treated you so badly? Why would you continue to feel so much love for someone that was hurting you like that?