To wonder if love really is conditional

[LilyGoLightly]

One of the final straws for my relationship was being told, after I had said that I felt unloved and unsupported, that I might feel more loved and supported if I showed him more respect.

This was after I had been struggling to sort out childcare (our arrangements feel through at the last minute) for DC (one of which has SEN). He ignored me when I talked about how difficult I was finding it because, he later said ‘he knew how I would react’ to whatever he said.

I felt heartbroken at what he said because I guess I loved him unconditionally, but I wasn’t good enough.

He’s right that I got tired and stressed sometimes. Maybe I wasn’t deserving of his love though.

Is love conditional like that?

I'm not saying that you are ones of those behaving badly op and I suspect that it is him who is treating you badly instead.

In what ways does he think that you should respect him?

What would make you more deserving in his eyes?

Despite what I said earlier about love being conditional, it should still be able to survive the normal stresses of everyday life and you should be able to look for him to support you. Nobody needs to be perfect.

Having said all that, there's really not enough info in your post to judge the real situation.

@Takemine

Posters on Mumsnet love to talk about how they could turn their love off just like that. I don't understand why it's such a popular thing to say. It's really not going to make the op feel better.

People don't turn their love off just like that.

You realise that if someone is abusing you, causing conflict or harm in your life e.g. sibling, parent you love and respect yourself enough to have healthy boundaries that mean you minimise your interaction with them. It doesn't mean you don't love them it just means you love yourself more.

redwing it's not relevant to the op though. It's like Tourettes.

As PPs have said, unconditional love for me is only for my children. I love DH very, very much. We have been married for 15 years. But, there are certain caveats to that, in both directions. I think that is healthy.

PPs said it - the only unconditional love is for my kids, nobody else.

I do often wonder if dads are the same. This is often how some mums feel, but DH (and possibly some parents) seems to be conditional upon perfect behaviour, results etc.

Romantic relationships are hard. It takes a lot to commit e.g. to a depressed partner, see them through their worst, accept uncompromised and conflicting values. It's why parenting is hard too, you know you can't and won't walk away.

*DH's favour

Only DD, she could disappoint me etc but even if she did the most vile things I don’t think I could stop loving her, I don’t think thats possible. Everyone else though it’s conditional.

I firmly believe that only your children should be loved unconditionally - for me everyone else (including parents) need to act lovingly and respectfully in order to have it returned.

Of course it is conditional between partners ! I love DH , but if he was unfaithful or did a bad crime, I wouldn't love him any more.

Love for a child, yes that is unconditional . Our love for our children doesn't change, no matter what they do or say.

You need to re-educate yourself about relationships, you sound very sad and deluded .

The unconditional love bit is a red herring here, OP.

The issue here is your partner is a manipulative dick head who clearly takes zero responsibility for his children, expects you to sort out any issues and then blames you for his being of no use to you.

You need to stop loving him unconditionally and see him for what he truly is.

I have loved a man absolutely unconditionally in the psy. He certainly didn't deserve it, but nothing he could have said or done to make me turn away from him (and he did a million things to test this ). We're not together now, but not because I left.

Otherwise, my live for my daughter and parents (and dog) is unconditional

in the past*

love*

@errorcode010010010100010

All love is conditional. Could you love your son if he murdered his sister (your daughter) for instance? I know I couldn't.

You don’t know that. There are people that have been through that scenario and they do still love the child that committed the horrible crime. They might not like them very much, but they still love them.

You need to ask yourself why not being treated with disdain and unkindness isn't a condition for receiving your love.

I think love can be unconditional for your children, but not a romantic partner.
And I say that as someone without kids and in a very happy and loving marriage.

I'm childless but I think a lot of people do have unconditional love for their parents and unfortunately that is sometimes unhealthy and quite damaging to them.
In a relationship it's a recipe for disaster, even the most reasonable people will push boundaries and behave selfishly if they get away with it all the time.
I think you need to change your perspective OP, from what is wrong with you that he doesn't love you unconditionally to why would you love him unconditionally?

Love for a partner is conditional but it shouldn’t be transactional.
I love DH but he could lose that love if he treated me badly.
However, we don’t keep score and adjust our love on whether or not the other person has shown equal love or respect that day. You should be able to expect love and fairness without having to balance the scales. When DH or I have been going through tough times we get more love than we give from the other. That’s how partnerships work.

The concept of unconditional love in romantic relationships is a toxic pile of crap! Nonsense! Are you supposed to put up with neglect, abuse, cheating and god knows what else in the name of unconditional love? That's insanity

Of course it’s bloody conditional!

I don’t waste my love on people that don’t deserve it.

Honestly, being proud of loving someone unconditionally is twee claptrap and should be left behind as you grow out of things like trying your surname with theirs in the back of your school rough work book, and counting shared letters in your name to work out percentage “match” you are.

Unconditional love only for my son and the cat. I mean if DH pissed on the bed, shouted at me constantly for food, attacked the Christmas tree and stared at me with utter contempt the way she does I would go off him.

Love for my children is unconditional but for my husband (of 15 years)…
That’s love based on a social contact of what is acceptable to us both in our relationship, monogamy, support and kindness to each other.
Break those rules and I imagine that love would evaporate quickly into loathing and betrayal.

There is a huge part of friendship and mutual respect as part of the relationship.
Both are important and also conditional.

I think it’s unhealthy if a partner relationship is unconditional because there is soo many conditions as part of a healthy adult relationship

Unconditional love for children only.

Conditional love for everyone else.