To wonder if love really is conditional

[LilyGoLightly]

One of the final straws for my relationship was being told, after I had said that I felt unloved and unsupported, that I might feel more loved and supported if I showed him more respect.

This was after I had been struggling to sort out childcare (our arrangements feel through at the last minute) for DC (one of which has SEN). He ignored me when I talked about how difficult I was finding it because, he later said ‘he knew how I would react’ to whatever he said.

I felt heartbroken at what he said because I guess I loved him unconditionally, but I wasn’t good enough.

He’s right that I got tired and stressed sometimes. Maybe I wasn’t deserving of his love though.

Is love conditional like that?

I'm afraid I agree with PP. In fact the idea of unconditional love between adults partners is really unhealthy. Of course there are conditions. There are healthy conditions on both sides. If they are broken then one leaves (which is as it should be in a healthy relationship).

The only unconditional love is to your DC. They are still expected to behave in a certain way (not hitting etc) but I'm not going to leave them if they do. I would leave DP if he broke certain conditions.

Genuinely conditions are reworded boundaries. Its an extremely unhealthy relationship if there are none. Dangerous even.

Men say the most stupid things sometimes. Did you say anything back when he said that to you?

You need to put some conditions / boundaries of your own.

Respect is earnt in an adult relationship, has he earnt yours?

I realise you've ended the relationship but I meant for future relationships. You owe someone no more respect than they give you in return. Avoid all men that talk about "respect" meaning "treat me like I am superior to you".

Romantic love is anything but unconditional.
You can do or say something that ends it forever. It's very fragile.

The only love that people consider to be unconditional is parent to child, but even then, I have come across parents that have cut off their adult children for various reasons.

Deserving of his love? A love that made you stressed and tired? A love that made you feel unsupported? Tell him to grow the f up and maybe he would get some respect if he was more supportive instead of demanding respect.

Give yourself a bit of time because you've just burdened his silly response onto yourself. It's not YOU. It's HIM.

Love for a partner is definitely conditional. Love for kids is unconditional (in most people)

Onr of the worst and most toxic relationships I have had eas with someone who believed romantic love should be unconditional.

All love is conditional. Could you love your son if he murdered his sister (your daughter) for instance? I know I couldn't.

Agree with the majority here, my love for DH is very fucking much conditional.

Not for DC though I would love them if they were mass murderers.and even if I couldn't continue to see them or support them for those same reasons.

Definitely, respect is the first condition and equality comes in second.
I'm sorry, he's a dickhead, respect is earned throughout a mutual partnership, he is being respectful at all, fecking hypocrisy.

Could you love your son if he murdered his sister (your daughter) for instance? I know I couldn't.

Cross posted with above but yes, I think I would still love him. It would be complicated and I don't know if he could be in my life any more, but I think I'd still love him.... though maybe I'd really be loving the little boy he used to be.

I think its very much conditional.

I remember when I'd turned 18 I was being a bit too difficult/immature and my own Mum sat me down and said ''Once you turn 18 you are not entitled to ''unconditional love, you must be a good person/adult and work on relationships in order to get that love and respect back''

I remember thinking what an evil, horrible thing to say to your child but I totally get her now.

People cannot constantly love someone who is difficult,stressed or in a bad mood a lot of the time etc.

Love is unconditional for certain people like children, parents, siblings.. my sister could murder someone in cold blood and of-course I would be horrified but I would still love her. But for friends and partners, there are definite conditions and I think that's because for them love is a choice, sometimes my bf pisses me off but I make a choice to love him everyday, but if he started doing stuff or became something I didn't like, then I'd likely choose not to love him anymore after a while

I think romantic love should be conditional, and think otherwise isn't healthy. Imagine the shit you'd put up with if it was unconditional; conditional love means you have boundaries and self worth.

Love is always conditional

I love my husband very much but I would stop loving him if he cheated; acted like a knob all the time; was abusive etc.

I only love my son unconditionally. My love for my husband is founded on loads of conditions - that he be kind, honest, loving, faithful etc.

Unconditional love for someone other than your child is unhealthy. Conditions mean boundaries, and boundaries are good.

Echoing everyone else... my only unconditional love is my son. And my 2 dogs

Love of a partner should never be unconditional. That’s a green light for abuse and anyone who tells you you should love them unconditionally should be treated as suspect.

The only people I love unconditionally are my son and unborn child. That's the way it should be imo, unconditional love is reserved for children in my eyes.

Romantic love is certainly conditional yes.

It's conditional on them not beating you, cheating on you, treating you like shit and a million other things

Everyone is missing the point.

You're but really worried about love being conditional. I know you already know that love has limits-if he hurt your child, for example.

What you don't like is the feeling that you have to earn his love. In that sense, it should be much less conditional that it sounds. You should feel supported, he should feel respected - these things are a given. Love shouldn't be a transactional process that is exchanged for good treatment of each other. Love and loving behaviour should be the starting point. If your partner feels unloved, responding with ways she could earn your love, instead of compassion, is really poor. At the same time, perhaps there are things you both need to change - I don't know.

It all sounds in quite a dark place.

You're not really worried

@bobsholi

I have unconditional love for my children but not my DH or even my parents.

This really. I would extend that to my grandchildren too. Even unconditional love for my children doesn't mean that I have to like them all the time.

I'm frankly amazed by the posts on here by partners and wives who describe awful bahaviour by their romantic partners and still say "but I love them". I don't understand why or how they can love these awful people, who don't seem to care one bit about them in return. It's confounding.

I love my husband very much, but the moment he starts treating me like something nasty on the bottom of his shoe is the day my love starts to die. The only possible exception being an illness that he can't control. Possibly.

Posters on Mumsnet love to talk about how they could turn their love off just like that. I don't understand why it's such a popular thing to say. It's really not going to make the op feel better.