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Original poster

Partner stays out all night and doesn't let me know...

56 replies

KAH87 · 24/12/2021 07:29

I just feel so pissed off! My partner went out last night after work to meet some family at a pub. Said he wouldn’t be too long. He has not bothered coming back. I found a message on my phone at 3:30 saying “fell asleep at moms”. This isn’t the first time this has happened. Every so often he’ll go out with family or friends and just not come back until the next day. Most of the time I don’t receive a message until the next day. I don’t begrudge him going out for a drink, and it’s not like he does this every weekend. It’s probably once a month or more likely less. My problem is with him staying out all night and not telling me where he is, that he’s ok or even that he’s not coming back. I have told him that I don’t mind him going and that all I want is to know what’s going on but it just keeps happening. I don’t know of any other men who would even dream of doing this to their partners! I feel like a doormat and like he has no respect for me. We have a 2 year old son and I just feel this is unacceptable behaviour for someone with a family waiting at home..
I’m not an argumentative person, I hate confrontation so I’m thinking perhaps I’ve been making too light of this?.. We’ve only got into a full fledged argument about it once and he got very defensive and didn’t think he’d done anything wrong. He does normally apologise the next day for not letting me know but I just don’t feel it’s good enough..
Is it just me? Am I being too harsh? Is this normal behaviour for a 40 year old man with a family?..

OP posts:
BigYellowHat · 24/12/2021 07:38

My ex-husband used to do this. He was cheating on me. I remember the sickening feeling of waking up at 3am and he wasn’t there. Worried he’d been injured, came to my senses eventually. Thankfully been divorced for 13 years and with someone far better.

Sundancerintherain · 24/12/2021 07:40

He is taking you for a mug. My DH of 30 years has never done this. Shame on him.

aquarius0126 · 24/12/2021 07:42

You are not being harsh at all. It's unacceptable behaviour from an adult with a family.

SNUG2022 · 24/12/2021 07:47

With kids it's completely unacceptable. Dh did this a few times and I was prepared to walk as I was too old for the drama. He hasn't done it since. When I went out until 7am he was texting me all the time worried about me. He didn't have a leg to stand on. That level of going out and drinking is not OK with me anymore. Dh has just had a night away with his mates. I much prefer this.

PicaK · 24/12/2021 07:50

Perhaps try doing it to him to illustrate your point.

SameToo · 24/12/2021 07:50

My Ex used to do this. Did it when I had a 1 month old baby!

DH would never dream of doing it.

BananaPant · 24/12/2021 07:53

I could never put up with this.

Not ever.

timeisnotaline · 24/12/2021 07:55

I’d do it to him. Preferably when he has plans he will have to miss / be late for as someone’s got to parent your child. It’s not cool when you’re a parent.

Kshhuxnxk · 24/12/2021 07:58

My DP did this and probably still would if it wasn't for covid. We came to an agreement many years ago that if he wasn't going to be home by 3am he had to let me know so I didn't worry. Hes a night owl and a total party animal and I'm the opposite. Never bothered me so long he let me know.

ThinWomansBrain · 24/12/2021 08:00

I think I'd be questioning in whar sense is he a partner if it's as frequently as once a month

HairyFanjoBanjo · 24/12/2021 08:01

Another entitled, selfish prick. Sigh.

Shoxfordian · 24/12/2021 08:02

He isn’t acting like a man with a family; he’s acting like an immature teenager

I expect there’s other ways he doesn’t really contribute as well

SallyWD · 24/12/2021 08:04

Is it because he can't handle his drink? Some men seem incapable of going out for just a couple of drinks and end up binge drinking, passed out at a mate's house. Is your DH like this? My DH has never done this but he really doesn't drink much at all. 2 drinks is his maximum so he never gets in to a state. I wouldn't like it OP and I would be suspicious that he was up to something - but perhaps he's just someone who binge drinks. If so, that's an issue in itself and needs to be addressed. When you're 40 and have a family you can't behave like a student.

ThinWomansBrain · 24/12/2021 08:04

next time he has a night out scheduled, why not book a cheap travelodge, or go stay with friends or relatives? - just not be there when he does drag himself back.

BrilliantBetty · 24/12/2021 08:05

Is he sleeping with someone else? Only ask as my partner did this occasionally. He was with a woman and used the going out with friends / family for PART of the evening to cover the whole night.

valnevavaxx · 24/12/2021 08:08

My ex husband did this- I don’t think he was cheating I think he was just a thoughtless prick, but the waking up at 4am expecting someone to be there when they’re not… horrible. My partner now would never do it and I would never do it to him- there are very few emergency situations where you absolutely cannot get home without letting your other half know first, and especially if you have a child. I never say LTB but honestly, LTB!

2pinkginsplease · 24/12/2021 08:08

Dh has done this once, one Christmas night out with work on the 23rd December, he did message at 3 to say he wouldn’t be long. At 7am i phoned and said get home in a taxi now or don’t ever come back ! He was home within 30Mins… pissed as a fart! I played Christmas tunes and let the kids jump all over him….. it was Christmas Eve after all!

Suzi888 · 24/12/2021 08:09

My DH did this when he was young, would drive me nuts. So I did it one night and stayed at a friends, he never did it again.
I appreciate that’s probably not going to work for you. Is he good in all I other respects or no?
Why can’t he get home? Is it a long way? If so, why can’t he make this arrangement before he goes out?

Original poster
KAH87 · 24/12/2021 08:12

@SallyWD

Is it because he can't handle his drink? Some men seem incapable of going out for just a couple of drinks and end up binge drinking, passed out at a mate's house. Is your DH like this? My DH has never done this but he really doesn't drink much at all. 2 drinks is his maximum so he never gets in to a state. I wouldn't like it OP and I would be suspicious that he was up to something - but perhaps he's just someone who binge drinks. If so, that's an issue in itself and needs to be addressed. When you're 40 and have a family you can't behave like a student.
It could be an issue with drink.. he does tend to drink most days, a couple of glasses of whiskey or a couple of beers. When he goes out though I think that is what happens. He gets so drunk he just ends up round friend/family members house because it's easier than trying to get home. Often I think he just falls asleep and obviously wakes up the next day and it's too late to let me know then. Still though.. in my mind I just think if he can't get himself home he's drinking too much. His family all drink a fair bit so he doesn't think he has any problem there. I have brought it up but he doesn't believe it's an issue.
OP posts:
Original poster
KAH87 · 24/12/2021 08:19

@Suzi888

My DH did this when he was young, would drive me nuts. So I did it one night and stayed at a friends, he never did it again. I appreciate that’s probably not going to work for you. Is he good in all I other respects or no? Why can’t he get home? Is it a long way? If so, why can’t he make this arrangement before he goes out?
No, it's not far for him to get home and he's got no problem with paying for a taxi. His mom lives 5 minute walk away from us. I think he just gets too drunk. He is a caring dad but doesn't help out as much as I'd like. Always avoids nappy changes if he can and I could count on my fingers how many times he's bathed our son in the 2.5 years since he was born. These seem to be my jobs because I work PT and he's FT. But perhaps I'm just ranting a bit there. I do know of other dads who don't do those things.
OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 24/12/2021 09:05

Not normal no. The very odd occasion perhaps but if this happening about once a month it’s really not on.
He’s acting like a young single bloke. It’s common decency to let your partner know if you can’t make it home.
I wouldn’t put up with that at all. If he cant be bothered to get himself home after a few drinks out, he stops going.
I know of no grown man in my life who would do this. The only ones who would do it and probably do so regularly, both are the biggest twats, entitled, self centred and seem to think beer and pubs trumps everything including their dc.

Bluesarestillblue · 24/12/2021 09:11

My ex done this twice. The second time was the last. I walked out after that.

DH and I have been together 20 years. He’s never done that.

llanfairfechan24 · 24/12/2021 09:12

Not normal even in non-Covid times. Do you want to be with someone who does not know when to stop drinking?

TooMuchPaper · 24/12/2021 09:12

He is a caring dad but doesn't help out as much as I'd like

Don't delude yourself. He is not a caring father. If he was he wouldn't be staying out without letting you know, he also would not be drinking every night. You know that your son will be seeing this and normalising it and he may well turn out to be alcohol dependent himself. Do you want that?
Also stop thinking of him 'helping' you. You should expect him to participate equally in family life.
Not sure what you can realistically do about any of this though. Is it bad enough to think about having a talk about separating?

Atlanticli · 24/12/2021 09:21

It's not acceptable for someone with parenting responsibilities.
My ex husband did this often and was cheating. Even if he hadn't been cheating, it was still crap going through the motions of having an absent husband to help during the night and a useless hungover adult the next day. I wasted years married to him. I often left the house and went out with the kids.