Partner stays out all night and doesn't let me know...

[KAH87]

I just feel so pissed off! My partner went out last night after work to meet some family at a pub. Said he wouldn’t be too long. He has not bothered coming back. I found a message on my phone at 3:30 saying “fell asleep at moms”. This isn’t the first time this has happened. Every so often he’ll go out with family or friends and just not come back until the next day. Most of the time I don’t receive a message until the next day. I don’t begrudge him going out for a drink, and it’s not like he does this every weekend. It’s probably once a month or more likely less. My problem is with him staying out all night and not telling me where he is, that he’s ok or even that he’s not coming back. I have told him that I don’t mind him going and that all I want is to know what’s going on but it just keeps happening. I don’t know of any other men who would even dream of doing this to their partners! I feel like a doormat and like he has no respect for me. We have a 2 year old son and I just feel this is unacceptable behaviour for someone with a family waiting at home..
I’m not an argumentative person, I hate confrontation so I’m thinking perhaps I’ve been making too light of this?.. We’ve only got into a full fledged argument about it once and he got very defensive and didn’t think he’d done anything wrong. He does normally apologise the next day for not letting me know but I just don’t feel it’s good enough..
Is it just me? Am I being too harsh? Is this normal behaviour for a 40 year old man with a family?..

@KAH87

Thank you everyone for all the messages. I really appreciate getting a different perspective on this. I've told him I can't take this anymore and it needs to stop. One more time and I think that will be the final straw. I'm not sure he gets it though. He compared it to me taking our son to my parents for a few hours tomorrow (he is staying at home with his 2 kids from his previous relationship) saying it's exactly the same situation. Which it's not at all. We'll see I suppose. I've let things go too much in the past but I won't keep taking being treated this way anymore. I'm giving him fair chance to make a change now. The idea of of having to leave and be a single mom is terrifying and I hate the idea of uprooting my son and taking him from his home but I know that may be the way this is going.

Can you stay the night at your parents? Don’t tell him! That would make it a better comparison…

Husband has been doing this for 10 years. I blame myself for staying and putting up with it. 2024 is my turning point, I'm moving out and taking my kids with me. I can't deal with all his drama. He went out at 1pm in the afternoon, arriving home at 11am th next morning, all his face was smashed in, like he'd fallen over. He made no contact with me during those hours, I had no idea where he was. His jeans were soiled, so I'm pretty sure he wasn't with a woman....part of me still hopes he'll change, but I know he won't. It's going to be s struggle at first on my own, but I think I've subjected my kids to enough mental abuse, from the person that's supposed to protect them, their father!!

That’s awful. There’s no respect there at all is there.
I couldn’t put up with it any longer, I left my ex in the end. We’ve been apart for about a year and a half now and I’m so glad I did it. I’d rather be on my own than with someone who made me feel that way. I’m lucky and had somewhere to go. Me and my son are staying with my parents while I save up a deposit for our own place.
If you’ve got somewhere to go, I really wouldn’t hesitate any longer. Do what’s best for you and your kids. You don’t deserve that for the rest of your life. It’s hard leaving, but for me once it was done it was a relief.
Be strong 🤍

I am going through the same thing with my partner too and it’s making me so anxious and upset all the time. He rents his house out and we live in my house but I’ve made the stand now that once his tenancy finishes in May he has to go. He thinks it’s quite acceptable to tell me he’s going out for a couple and coming in at God knows what time. Last week he did txt at 11.30pm to say he wouldn’t be long but rolled in at 6am. Done now for my own sanity and the sake of the kids.

Hey - just came across your post. I’m in the same boat but happens every 2-3 months. How are things now?

Hi the man who I'm with, who's supposed to be my fiance, goes out everyday drinking and sometimes never comes home, when he does come home ends up bringing his mates with him from the pub, he's nearly 40 years old and just thinks that it is all fun and games, he never keeps in touch and it keeps me awake overthinking all night when he does stop out. I know he won't change his ways but I'm struggling to leave the relationship and start over. Any advice is welcomed.