Partner stays out all night and doesn't let me know...

[KAH87]

I just feel so pissed off! My partner went out last night after work to meet some family at a pub. Said he wouldn’t be too long. He has not bothered coming back. I found a message on my phone at 3:30 saying “fell asleep at moms”. This isn’t the first time this has happened. Every so often he’ll go out with family or friends and just not come back until the next day. Most of the time I don’t receive a message until the next day. I don’t begrudge him going out for a drink, and it’s not like he does this every weekend. It’s probably once a month or more likely less. My problem is with him staying out all night and not telling me where he is, that he’s ok or even that he’s not coming back. I have told him that I don’t mind him going and that all I want is to know what’s going on but it just keeps happening. I don’t know of any other men who would even dream of doing this to their partners! I feel like a doormat and like he has no respect for me. We have a 2 year old son and I just feel this is unacceptable behaviour for someone with a family waiting at home..
I’m not an argumentative person, I hate confrontation so I’m thinking perhaps I’ve been making too light of this?.. We’ve only got into a full fledged argument about it once and he got very defensive and didn’t think he’d done anything wrong. He does normally apologise the next day for not letting me know but I just don’t feel it’s good enough..
Is it just me? Am I being too harsh? Is this normal behaviour for a 40 year old man with a family?..

I've been married 41 years, and my husband has never done this, not even once. Your bloke is taking you for a mug. If his mum lives 5 minutes away from you, why does he need to stay there the night? Sorry, but he's probably not staying there at all, he's likely to be with some woman. He doesn't sound much of a dad, either.

Has he slunk home yet op ?

He's not 'helping out', he's just as much of a parent as you.
Raise your bar

What round his reaction be if you did this?

I which ways is he a caring dad if he won't change or bath him?

*would

He's still not back home. His mom just called me to tell me he's still asleep there.

Urgh no it’s not normal.

I feel very sorry for you and for his mother.

I would take note of the number is people replying to say this is what their ex did. Their ex. This behaviour is totally inappropriate and one of the reasons my ex is also my ex! He is taking advantage of the fact you don't like confrontation to continue with this behaviour, but really it doesn't need to turn into an argument. You just need to sit down with him and firmly tell him him this is not ok. If you can't have this kind of discussion, what does that tell you about your relationship?

So he has a drink issue. A few whisky’s or beers every night is not normal or healthy. Once a month disappearing acts - that’s a lot.

If he respected your little family unit he’d make sure this didn’t happen. This is on him.

He’s not a great father. Great fathers get involved in all aspects of a child’s life including the ‘boring bits’ of nappy’s/bath/bed etc. And you do that and more do you need a title of ‘great mother’. No. Because you are a responsible parent doing parenting.

This isn’t likely to Improve as you child gets older. The drinking will worsen. His health will decline. This is going to be the rest of your life with this man. Is that what you want?

decide what boundaries you would like and why.
Explain to him how much this is impacting you.

Explain to him what you would like from him as a partner and father.
If he wants some mediation between you both to resolve things then look at couples counselling. Show him you are willing to fight for your relationship to be better and stronger.
And if he can’t be bothered. Or doesn’t see an issue. Or want to improve. Make a decision on what you can put up with for the next 20/40/60 years.

Just because it’s how his family behave etc doesn’t mean he has to.

This is the example your child is learning from.

It's bad enough that he does this but he knows it upsets you and doesn't seem to care, that's probably worse.

Awful behaviour from him. Bad enough on any day of the year, but to do it on Christmas Eve?!?!?!?!

I also feel sorry for his poor mother. She must be 60+ and was probably looking forward to a lovely day herself. Instead she's got a useless hungover son lazing around.

Is there any chance his mother is covering for him?

It’s awful, selfish behaviour. My husband of 15 years has never done it, and neither have I.

How many women with kids regularly go missing overnight because they’re too pissed to get home, really? Hardly any.

Men choose to do this. I wouldn’t want to be with one who did tbh.

I hate confrontation

You have a young child, you can't carry on being wimpy. Get your Mama Bear head on, there may be future issues at nursery/school that will have to be addressed not wringing your hands and avoiding it.

He is a caring dad but doesn't help out as much as I'd like. Always avoids nappy changes if he can and I could count on my fingers how many times he's bathed our son in the 2.5 years since he was born. These seem to be my jobs because I work PT and he's FT. But perhaps I'm just ranting a bit there. I do know of other dads who don't do those things.

He shouldn't be "helping out" at all - he's responsible for his own child & house drudgery, he should just be DOING it. Sure, he works FT to your PT, but he should still be doing the same total combined work/domestic hours as his wife.

And just how caring is a dad who won't nappy change or bathe his own kid FFS? It's depressing how many women post this nonsense as if being vaguely kind to his own children is some kind of amelioration of their partner's domestic entitlement & uselessness.

The fact that other dads are equally entitled & useless is no excuse.
Every time your partner stays out all night without even the courtesy of a phone call, he is telling you "the childcare & domestic load is entirely down to you - I am the most important person in the family & I can just do what I want while expecting you to pick up the slack."

The fact that he gets defensive/angry when you dare challenge him says it all.

I wouldn’t put up with it, it’s up to you if you do or don’t. But don’t let him normalise this.

Why would he be at his moms if he went to the pub with his friends?

It’s totally unacceptable

Urgh life is too short. And he’s not a caring dad. A caring dad would know this is unacceptable behaviour in a family.

Just leave.

Always avoids nappy changes if he can and I could count on my fingers how many times he's bathed our son in the 2.5 years since he was born.

This, from a man who regularly disappears on benders despite having a toddler at home, is NOT what a caring dad looks like. It really, really isn't.

It's what a disney dad looks like. One who does the fun bits he likes doing and not the boring or responsible bits that need doing too.

Thank you everyone for all the messages. I really appreciate getting a different perspective on this. I've told him I can't take this anymore and it needs to stop. One more time and I think that will be the final straw.
I'm not sure he gets it though. He compared it to me taking our son to my parents for a few hours tomorrow (he is staying at home with his 2 kids from his previous relationship) saying it's exactly the same situation. Which it's not at all. We'll see I suppose. I've let things go too much in the past but I won't keep taking being treated this way anymore. I'm giving him fair chance to make a change now. The idea of of having to leave and be a single mom is terrifying and I hate the idea of uprooting my son and taking him from his home but I know that may be the way this is going.

Awful behaviour.

Make sure your contraception is sorted.

Start organising yourself money wise and look at going back FT to wotk.

He's an alcoholic or at the least has a a problem with drink.

Protect yourself.

Op
All the replies on here saying their husband has never done this. Their husband. Current. Still married.

And all the replies saying their ex did this. Their ex.

That’s because decent men don’t do this.
And why all the ones who did are now are an ex.