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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dramatic family fall out. Guilty or not

70 replies

Ohnowhy2 · 23/12/2021 13:45

My parents are elderly and my mum is clinically vulnerable. They spent most of the pandemic in a village in Italy feeling safe. They came back to U.K. 1 month ago to sell their house and move to Italy permanently. My mum told me a few days ago she was scared of catching covid as she would die if she did.

We live in different areas of the U.K. I was going to drive 4 hours on Xmas eve to spend a few days with them. My brother would fly up on 27th with my nephew for a few days.

All was feeling fine early this week. But my 2 friends and their extended family who I spent time with at the weekend has tested positive. Total of 10 people. I have stayed mostly isolated for past week except contact with 2 people. We all laterally flowed beforehand. They became positive next day. I have done a PCR and daily lateral flow all negative.

My brother and I had a chat last night and due to the rising cases., my contact and him being in a flight we were nervous about going home. We thought it was risky to my vulnerable mum. We had a family conversation and it didn’t go well.

We started about the risks and asks how my parents feel? My mum flew off the handle and told us to F off, and many more swear words. It’s as if the red mist descended. She couldn’t understand our concerns and wouldn’t stop swearing, saying we were treating her as a child and her risks are low. Stopping treating her like an employee when we asked her to talk about it.

My dad said we broke his heart and it was unforgivable we were cancelling. We again said we feely it was risky but they needed to understand it and if ok we would come up. Again swearing, telling us to piss off etc.

My brother and I just stared at each other surprised with the outburst. It was like a toddler tantrum. My mum does explode but this was epic. She kept shouting we needed to apologise to her. I did say what about our apology with her behaviour. She didn’t respond.

So we never actually cancelled, but I don’t want to go as will be an atmosphere. My brother has cancelled as he doesn’t want to sit in a plane full of people.

My PCR is now negative, but track and trace have contacted me to daily lateral flow. I am worried that I may turn positive at my parents.

How do I get her to understand. It’s not that I don’t want to spend Xmas with them, it’s just risky and I am actually going to spend it alone.

If this was a friends outburst I would be done. But my mum I can’t be

OP posts:
WeatherwaxOn · 23/12/2021 13:48

Remind her that she said she was scared of catching Covid as she thought she would die, and remind her that you have been in contact with people who have tested positive.
Ask if she would rather postpone Christmas temporarily or permanently.

Franklin12 · 23/12/2021 13:51

I wouldnt go. Yes, there will be a terrible atmosphere if you do. And how does your Mum know if she gets Covid she will die....

Notonthestairs · 23/12/2021 13:58

If it was the case your parents had simply said they'd accept the risk and please come anyway I'd say go.

But your parents outburst sounds very unpleasant and not the sort of attitude I'd want to be around.

2Rebecca · 23/12/2021 13:58

I wouldn't go. I'm surprised Italy let her emigrate there if she's that frail and elderly unless she was in Italy prepandemic as well as during it.

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 23/12/2021 14:00

My parents are also elderly and terrified of covid - but are desperate to see family - they see it as one last chance- which is awful. But I do understand your concerns. Just tell them you have covid. You can’t make Xmas and you’ll see them in 10 days. No more arguements! It’s a little while lie…..

Chloemol · 23/12/2021 14:02

I wouldn’t go. I would contact them once more, explain again 10 people you were in contact with now have covid, and that she herself has said if she catches it she will die

Therefore you are not coming

If she kicks off again I would just leave her to it, enjoy your Christmas and wait for them to contact you after Christmas

cptartapp · 23/12/2021 14:03

I wouldn't go. Simply because it rewards abominable unforgivable behaviour towards you and teaches them that tantrums mean they will get their own way. It sets a precedent as they get older and frailer that you will behave in ways they demand. Sod that.
Don't go.

GabriellaMontez · 23/12/2021 14:12

We know she's afraid so she does understand there are risks. She's not a child. If she wants to take those risks to see her nearest and dearest that's her choice (same with many other people).

Not surprised she was angry at a last minute cancellation.

You could go, lateral flow every day, drive back if there is a problem.

But it sounds like your brother can't be bothered. And you're intent on punishing them.

WorraLiberty · 23/12/2021 14:17

They sound absolutely awful with all the swearing and shouting.

Having said that, your mum was right about treating her like a child.

BertramLacey · 23/12/2021 14:21

I'd stay at home. Wait until after Christmas and things have calmed down. I've found with my parents, when we have big rows, that it's a case of least said, soonest mended. There are some things they've said and done that I find pretty much unforgiveable. But they're elderly, they aren't going to change and they are my parents. So ultimately I'd rather bite my tongue and rub along with them. We live in different countries too and each time I see them I think it could be the last - it's finding a balance of letting some things slide, without denying your own needs.

godmum56 · 23/12/2021 14:41

I wouldn't go. I wouldn't get wound up over who should apologise to who. Reach out to your parents in the New Year.

BoredZelda · 23/12/2021 14:41

I wouldn’t be going and I wouldn’t be sorry about it either. Your brother did the right thing. Don’t feel you have to go because he isn’t.

Nancydrawn · 23/12/2021 14:42

I understand that she is frustrated: covid is dreadful and boring.

But it's no excuse for her behaviour. It sounds as if she spent a lot of time talking about how scared she was, how vulnerable she felt, and how dangerous contact was...and then is mad at you for taking her concerns seriously.

Nonsense.

BoredZelda · 23/12/2021 14:45

She's not a child.

But she is behaving like one.

MatildaIThink · 23/12/2021 14:47

Your parents sound nuts, especially your mums periodic tantrums, it sounds like you are better off not spending Christmas with them regardless!

Franklyfrost · 23/12/2021 14:53

Just say you tested positive on a lft. Around here there are no drive or walk in pcr tests available and the postal one takes a week start to finish. By the time you know it was a false positive Christmas will be over.

Your mum sounds very stressed so maybe reach out on the phone. Seeing her children is obviously very important to her and Christmas is a difficult time.

BoredZelda · 23/12/2021 14:53

Your parents sound nuts, especially your mums periodic tantrums, it sounds like you are better off not spending Christmas with them regardless!

I agree. Can you imagine her behaviour if OP did give her Covid? She’d never let her hear the end of it.

BoredZelda · 23/12/2021 14:56

Seeing her children is obviously very important to her

So important she is moving permanently to Italy after already having lived there for a while?

Christmas is a difficult time.

I can’t see anything that would suggest it’s a difficult time for OPs parents.

MangoBiscuit · 23/12/2021 14:56

I wouldn't go purely on the basis that I'll be damned if I'm spending Christmas with anyone who thinks it's ok to treat me like that.

dottiedodah · 23/12/2021 14:57

I would let the dust settle . Maybe just a text or something .A few weeks on they may see things differently .They are behaving very badly ,however they are old and probably not being rational ATM .

Lamerexo · 23/12/2021 14:58

@GabriellaMontez

We know she's afraid so she does understand there are risks. She's not a child. If she wants to take those risks to see her nearest and dearest that's her choice (same with many other people).

Not surprised she was angry at a last minute cancellation.

You could go, lateral flow every day, drive back if there is a problem.

But it sounds like your brother can't be bothered. And you're intent on punishing them.

And then be (and feel) responsible for killing them? Hmm
MeltedWax · 23/12/2021 14:59

Don't go. Your parents will soon learn that screaming and shouting at you doesn't get them what they want.

janbaby22 · 23/12/2021 15:00

If anyone told me to F off I wouldn’t be spending Christmas with them

Stompythedinosaur · 23/12/2021 15:01

I would spend Christmas with someone who had sworn at me like that.

Ohnowhy2 · 23/12/2021 15:03

Thanks. It was nuts. My no aunt is the same and they don’t speak to her because of her outbursts.

We hadn’t said we weren’t going. Just trying to discuss the risks. Spoken to them and they don’t see what they did wrong.

Track and trace said to lateral flow for 7 days which is up on Sunday. Said I would come up then. Told no leave till January.

They are leaving to Italy as they are Italian. Fir kart 15 years spent 3 months here and rest back home. They got stuck in the pandemic

OP posts:
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