Dramatic family fall out. Guilty or not

[Ohnowhy2]

My parents are elderly and my mum is clinically vulnerable. They spent most of the pandemic in a village in Italy feeling safe. They came back to U.K. 1 month ago to sell their house and move to Italy permanently. My mum told me a few days ago she was scared of catching covid as she would die if she did.

We live in different areas of the U.K. I was going to drive 4 hours on Xmas eve to spend a few days with them. My brother would fly up on 27th with my nephew for a few days.

All was feeling fine early this week. But my 2 friends and their extended family who I spent time with at the weekend has tested positive. Total of 10 people. I have stayed mostly isolated for past week except contact with 2 people. We all laterally flowed beforehand. They became positive next day. I have done a PCR and daily lateral flow all negative.

My brother and I had a chat last night and due to the rising cases., my contact and him being in a flight we were nervous about going home. We thought it was risky to my vulnerable mum. We had a family conversation and it didn’t go well.

We started about the risks and asks how my parents feel? My mum flew off the handle and told us to F off, and many more swear words. It’s as if the red mist descended. She couldn’t understand our concerns and wouldn’t stop swearing, saying we were treating her as a child and her risks are low. Stopping treating her like an employee when we asked her to talk about it.

My dad said we broke his heart and it was unforgivable we were cancelling. We again said we feely it was risky but they needed to understand it and if ok we would come up. Again swearing, telling us to piss off etc.

My brother and I just stared at each other surprised with the outburst. It was like a toddler tantrum. My mum does explode but this was epic. She kept shouting we needed to apologise to her. I did say what about our apology with her behaviour. She didn’t respond.

So we never actually cancelled, but I don’t want to go as will be an atmosphere. My brother has cancelled as he doesn’t want to sit in a plane full of people.

My PCR is now negative, but track and trace have contacted me to daily lateral flow. I am worried that I may turn positive at my parents.

How do I get her to understand. It’s not that I don’t want to spend Xmas with them, it’s just risky and I am actually going to spend it alone.

If this was a friends outburst I would be done. But my mum I can’t be

I think I'd go in this particular situation but have plans about what to do if the atmosphere turns truly toxic and doesn't abate. And keep the visit as short as possible eg one overnight or at the most 24th evening to 26th late morning.

I wouldn't bring up the argument or Covid unless they do, and if they do, try to distract away from it and not . The tip on here is to 'people watch' impassively rather than getting emotionally involved in shenanigans. Hard but it does help.

I definitely would continue to LFT before and during my visit (discretely) and maybe do a PCR tomorrow before you leave, if you have time to get one.

Maybe you can agree with your brother that he will try to do the same strategy as you so that you are united if your parents continue to behave like this. It will ultimately be less confusing for your mother if you take the same line, too.

This could come from a place of fear or perhaps your parents know something about the health of one or the other where this might really be the last time, especially if Italy won't let you in to visit later, due to Covid. Also, sometimes not remembering a perfectly logical conversation that they themselves initiated is a sign of Mild Cognitive Impairment or mild dementia. Some people are just forgetful and random though. Depends if it's out of character.

Op I have an equally vulnerable parent who was petrified of covid but now has his head in the sand . He is grasping what’s left of his life after 18 months largely alone and at home . I can’t really blame him .. however risky it is and however nervous I am

Not surprised she was angry at a last minute cancellation

She wasn't angry at a cancellation. She was enraged by being in a conversation about whether there should be a cancellation.

@ilovemydogandmrobama2

It seems to me that she feels patronised - that her family are making decisions without consulting her, and yes, she didn't deal with it very well, but maybe she has a temper combined with so much uncertainty.

Although my mum is quite cautious about Covid, it's getting to the stage that she would prefer to see us than not see us.

Call her - don't apologise, but say that your concern came from a good place and ask what she wants to do.

But they literally called to consult her and she freaked

OP, they are elderly and Italian. I feel your pain, I live with it on a daily basis. But you're not going to change them at this point in their life, you either suck up the ridiculous behaviour, take a deep breath and apologise (for literally nothing) or you cut them out. It depends how much you value having them in your life. It's bonkers, I know.

So she both wants you to be there whatever happens and to guarantee there’s no covid risk? She’s being ridiculous and totally unrealistic but you know that.

I'd do exactly what she's told you to and leave it until January

Phone them then.

Well I would say that it was her decision if she wanted to take the risk that you might possibly test positive later in the week. It's a small risk I think, and if she's triple vaccinated, she reduces the likelihood of serious implications alot. So I can see why she'd be upset that YOU made the decision for her.

And yes it looks like your brother just didn't want to go.

(and yes no excuse for her toddler like behaviour, but maybe she's just very upset).

I would suggest that, rather than try to straighten this out on the phone, that you write, carefully, by EMail. You can think in advance what you want to say and put it all down. It helps to remove the emotion from the situation and also helps you clarify in your mind what, exactly, you want to happen.

From what you've said, it sounds to me as though your mother is not going to apologise. Only you can decide if that's something you can live with or not. Personally I couldn't, but we're all different.

In terms of going forwards I would make the decision for her and say you're not going. If she wants to talk to you make it clear you will have a civil conversation but any shouting, screaming, wild accusations and all the rest will mean the phone is put down.

I'm sorry this has happened so close to Christmas and I'm equally sorry I don't have any magic-wand ideas.

Nevermind the negative result, ny going abroad you could be transmitting the new variant it to more than just your mum etc.

They are just foot stamping. They are behaving like kids.

Stay and have a 'sweary free' Merry Christmas.

If you go there now you will be trapped in a hell of your own making because you won't be able to get a flight back (lockdown looming)

beenthereboughtthetshirt
Nevermind the negative result, ny going abroad you could be transmitting the new variant it to more than just your mum etc.
If you go there now you will be trapped in a hell of your own making because you won't be able to get a flight back (lockdown looming)

Absolutely unlikely, given that the OP says
"They came back to U.K. 1 month ago to sell their house and move to Italy permanently."
and
"We live in different areas of the U.K. I was going to drive 4 hours on Xmas eve to spend a few days with them."

No likelihood of going abroad that I can see.

@AskingQuestionsAllTheTime oops can i blame the dental double antibiotics and co-codamol

misread the OP sorry @Ohnowhy2 i read the brother flying and got confused. sorry.

[quote beenthereboughtthetshirt]@AskingQuestionsAllTheTime oops can i blame the dental double antibiotics and co-codamol

misread the OP sorry @Ohnowhy2 i read the brother flying and got confused. sorry.[/quote]
Dental anything is a reasonable excuse! I hope it clears up asap.

I understand her feeling patronised. But we never got to discuss. Her attitude is that sweating and shouting is acceptable. My bro and I asking her to calm down is speaking ti her like a child.

Spoke to my dad as my mum is refusing to speak to me. He says nothing to apologise for. I give up

You are not responsible for her emotions or her reactions. She’s being completely unreasonable and quite cruel actually.

Why do we always give in to parents who are emotionally abusive? As you said if it was a friend you would be done so why let someone who is supposed to love you treat you this way?

Your mum's obviously very disappointed having been looking forward to seeing you, but I think you made the right decision. Can you go for New Year? I'd send her some flowers tomorrow to try and take the sting out of it a bit. Warn your dad first so she doesn't just bin them in a fit of temper.

@urbanbuddha

Your mum's obviously very disappointed having been looking forward to seeing you, but I think you made the right decision. Can you go for New Year? I'd send her some flowers tomorrow to try and take the sting out of it a bit. Warn your dad first so she doesn't just bin them in a fit of temper.

I would not send the flowers. That's a tacit admission of being in the wrong, which the OP is not. In situations like this you have to hold your ground.

Sending flowers = rewarding poor behaviour.

Rising above it and not engaging = making it clear the behaviour is neither wanted not acceptable.

Well she eventually read my text that I said I sent her presents for next day delivery. Just thanks.

My friend has also decided not to travel to family, so spending Xmas afternoon with him. Discussed the risks with them and they are happy. I can’t tell my parents as they will think I cancelled to see him. As they will see the risks as different. I am still offering to come up on Sunday, but no response.

I didn’t plan it, it was decided today. The lies continue.

You're going boxing day instead?!

@GabriellaMontez my 7 days of daily lateral flow will be over by Sunday. Seems safer. But they said no