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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dramatic family fall out. Guilty or not

70 replies

Ohnowhy2 · 23/12/2021 13:45

My parents are elderly and my mum is clinically vulnerable. They spent most of the pandemic in a village in Italy feeling safe. They came back to U.K. 1 month ago to sell their house and move to Italy permanently. My mum told me a few days ago she was scared of catching covid as she would die if she did.

We live in different areas of the U.K. I was going to drive 4 hours on Xmas eve to spend a few days with them. My brother would fly up on 27th with my nephew for a few days.

All was feeling fine early this week. But my 2 friends and their extended family who I spent time with at the weekend has tested positive. Total of 10 people. I have stayed mostly isolated for past week except contact with 2 people. We all laterally flowed beforehand. They became positive next day. I have done a PCR and daily lateral flow all negative.

My brother and I had a chat last night and due to the rising cases., my contact and him being in a flight we were nervous about going home. We thought it was risky to my vulnerable mum. We had a family conversation and it didn’t go well.

We started about the risks and asks how my parents feel? My mum flew off the handle and told us to F off, and many more swear words. It’s as if the red mist descended. She couldn’t understand our concerns and wouldn’t stop swearing, saying we were treating her as a child and her risks are low. Stopping treating her like an employee when we asked her to talk about it.

My dad said we broke his heart and it was unforgivable we were cancelling. We again said we feely it was risky but they needed to understand it and if ok we would come up. Again swearing, telling us to piss off etc.

My brother and I just stared at each other surprised with the outburst. It was like a toddler tantrum. My mum does explode but this was epic. She kept shouting we needed to apologise to her. I did say what about our apology with her behaviour. She didn’t respond.

So we never actually cancelled, but I don’t want to go as will be an atmosphere. My brother has cancelled as he doesn’t want to sit in a plane full of people.

My PCR is now negative, but track and trace have contacted me to daily lateral flow. I am worried that I may turn positive at my parents.

How do I get her to understand. It’s not that I don’t want to spend Xmas with them, it’s just risky and I am actually going to spend it alone.

If this was a friends outburst I would be done. But my mum I can’t be

OP posts:

mcmooberry · 23/12/2021 15:05

It sounds like you and your brother had already decided not to go and your parents went from looking forward to seeing you, your DB and DN to being faced with spending Christmas on their own. So I think your DM probably detected that even though your intentions are to protect her/them.
However, I agree that her appalling reaction/swearing etc has completely spoiled things and if she had calmly said she would be prepared to take the risk rather than not see you all, things could still have gone ahead.

Recentdiabetic · 23/12/2021 15:11

@GabriellaMontez

We know she's afraid so she does understand there are risks. She's not a child. If she wants to take those risks to see her nearest and dearest that's her choice (same with many other people).

Not surprised she was angry at a last minute cancellation.

You could go, lateral flow every day, drive back if there is a problem.

But it sounds like your brother can't be bothered. And you're intent on punishing them.

Have you read the same post as me? The op wanted to go and see her dps, but she has had contact with people who have tested positive for Covid. She doesn’t want to risk her dps catching it!

You say the the op should go and Lateral Flow each day. What if she tests positive? It’s too late then to worry about her dps catching it, it would be a case of shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted! Wonder how many foul mouthed rants, and accusations of putting them at risk, she would get off them then!

Op and her db are being sensible, by changing their plans and not visiting and risking their parents health. To be honest, after that foul mouth tirade, I wouldn’t be going and visiting them either!

TedMullins · 23/12/2021 15:19

I’d tell her to fuck right off. It’s not a last minute cancellation on a whim, it’s because you’re being mindful of the risks. If she can’t process that information like a rational adult she can enjoy Christmas stamping her feet and screaming into the void while you have a nice one at home with your family.

WonderfulYou · 23/12/2021 15:22

Do you work?
I’d be telling them that not only are you putting their health at risk but you also don’t want to be stuck there if you do have to isolate.

Christmas is a date on the calendar.
Tell them you will have Christmas on a different date.

I get being disappointed at being let down last minute but there is no need of her to be so rude!

Whatthefucketyfuck · 23/12/2021 15:26

I agree. Can you imagine her behaviour if OP did give her Covid? She’d never let her hear the end of it.

This. With spades. A whole fucking warehouse of spades.

AngelinaFibres · 23/12/2021 15:29

@GabriellaMontez

We know she's afraid so she does understand there are risks. She's not a child. If she wants to take those risks to see her nearest and dearest that's her choice (same with many other people).

Not surprised she was angry at a last minute cancellation.

You could go, lateral flow every day, drive back if there is a problem.

But it sounds like your brother can't be bothered. And you're intent on punishing them.

She is allowed to make her own decisions. Presumably she is at peace with the options / consequences

ravenmum · 23/12/2021 15:31

You've already fallen out with them now; might as well not go, now that they are already pissed off anyway.
I was hoping to see my parents in the UK before Christmas for the first time since 2019, but then the restrictions came back in and I had to say sorry, I wasn't going to risk it. No hysterics.

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 23/12/2021 15:34

It seems to me that she feels patronised - that her family are making decisions without consulting her, and yes, she didn't deal with it very well, but maybe she has a temper combined with so much uncertainty.

Although my mum is quite cautious about Covid, it's getting to the stage that she would prefer to see us than not see us.

Call her - don't apologise, but say that your concern came from a good place and ask what she wants to do.

RoyalCorgi · 23/12/2021 16:00

Does she often lose her temper irrationally? Might she have dementia?

Sittingonabench · 23/12/2021 16:01

She’s your mother and the behaviour is absolutely unacceptable but the circumstances are considerable and most people filter less with family. I think you got the brunt of pent up frustration, overwhelming fear over such a long period of time and the gut wrenching disappointment of hope (your Christmas together) being taken away.
In your shoes I would de-escalate. Explain you want to spend Christmas with them but that they have the right to be informed of the risks associated with that and you were trying to invite their opinion on whether they were comfortable. You weren’t trying to cancel. Seeing them is very important. She will know she’s gone overboard but the adrenaline associated with the outburst will still be there so you may find she goes off again. But just continue to de-escalate. When she spits you remain calm and tell her you love her and miss her and want to see her, you understand the frustration. It’s hard because your reaction will naturally be defensive but pushing her away at this point may have longer term consequences if they’re moving so far away.

EmmasMum12 · 23/12/2021 16:20

You asked your parents how they feel about the risks involved in getting together over christmas as you might have had contact with people who have tested positive.

Did they NOT say how they feel? Did they just go ape and get angry?

I just dont understand. It makes no sense.

If your parent arent worried about the risks then just have christmas as normal.

Again I dont understand

minipie · 23/12/2021 16:24

@RoyalCorgi

Does she often lose her temper irrationally? Might she have dementia?

I was wondering this.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/12/2021 16:28

Perhaps tell your parents that verbal abuse is not acceptable.

They can sort themselves out, rather than putting you at risk.

Jacaranda75 · 23/12/2021 16:31

Can you persuade her to do Christmas at New Year instead, then bunker down at home for a week? And can your DB come for New Year as well?

GrumpyTerrier · 23/12/2021 16:31

She can decide she is happy with the risk.

What about the risk to your mental health if you take it there and she dies and you have to live with that.

You aren't making a decision for her. You're making one for you-- and that is not "treating her like a child".

However (depending on the background), it sounds like she is very upset to not see you at Christmas. I'd still want an apology but would also take the very difficult circumstances into account.

Poptart4 · 23/12/2021 16:35

I get why your having 2nd thoughts about going but why can't your brother still go?

TBH with a negative pcr test and several
negative lateral flow tests plus no symptoms, I would go.

I can see why they are upset.

NoNameHere12 · 23/12/2021 16:37

Sounds like you never really wanted to go.
When she said she was happy to take the risk and still come you made up another excuse about her shouting.
You are treating her like a child.
She is probably angry because she has figured out you just can’t be bothered and that’s hurt her.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 23/12/2021 16:37

@RoyalCorgi

Does she often lose her temper irrationally? Might she have dementia?

When my mother started going apeshit at people (mostly her DH, and me) for no apparent reason, and being absolutely horrible to us, it was eventually found to be caused by the statins the doctor had put her on.

Dementia isn't the only reason for people being suddenly prone to horrible moods.

Dozer · 23/12/2021 16:43

Your brother’s reason(s) not to go sound weak.

How much contact did you have with the people who have since tested positive?

Your parents’ reaction was crap, so now probably wouldn’t visit until all clear etc.

Dozer · 23/12/2021 16:43

It does sound like you’d both decided not to go.

sunshinesupermum · 23/12/2021 16:48

You are not being unreasonable but I understand your parents' disappointment.

DD2 was planning to get the train to spend Xmas with my partner and myself as she has always done, and wanted to do, but called today to say she felt it wasn't safe for her to travel and possibly pass any infection on to us. My partner is vulnerable. It's the first time she has ever not spent Xmas Day with me and naturally I am very upset but wouldn't dream of acting like the OPs parents.

Staffy1 · 23/12/2021 16:50

If she is scared of getting covid, but at the same time was really looking forward to seeing you, the conflicting feelings and pandemic in general might be causing her extreme stress and anxiety which has all come out in her outburst. Perhaps send a text or email explaining that you would love to see them but also your reasons about not wanting to take the risk giving her covid and that you will be spending it alone if not with them, not passing them up for a better offer. At least they might take in what you are saying if it’s in writing and they can’t shout you down.

twilightermummy · 23/12/2021 16:54

If she wants you there, and is willing to take that risk, then I’d say that you should go.

I agree with an above poster that your brother’s excuse sounds weak. Maybe he’s making excuses because of her behaviour though!

smashingbaubles · 23/12/2021 17:02

I just want to say I had a similar argument with my Mum last week. Ended with us both screaming at each other, she accused me of treating her like a child and dictating to her and said I don’t treat her with any respect, I felt like she was being totally cavalier and unreasonable.

We were both maybe a bit guilty, both apologised. I’m on route to hers now for Xmas and we’re just putting it behind us. This has been a weird few years and I think tensions are running really high and people are not themselves. I know I’m not! I’m trying to give my mum the benefit of the doubt (whilst also still remembering the way she has spoken to me and I will adjust some of my behaviour towards her in light of that - ie I won’t offer as much help or support) and I’m expecting she’ll do the same, but I think we’ll still manage to have a really nice Christmas. Like I said, people haven’t been behaving normally this year. I know of a friend going through a similar thing and my MIL and Sis in law have also fallen out over a covid issue. You’re not alone, and I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

BigotSpigot · 23/12/2021 17:02

I wouldn't go if it's 4 hours away as if you do get a positive while you are there and become as sick as me you wouldn't be able to drive back...

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