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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have contacted this friend?

59 replies

nobodysperfectatall · 23/12/2021 11:36

I have a friend I've known for about 10 years, know through DC I'd say we are good friends but not best friends if that makes sense.

Her DH left her 7 years ago and she's basically been heartbroken ever since. She went consider counselling but seems very 'stuck'.

She often doesn't read WhatsApp messages or reply to them. If I make an effort to push past this she will come for a walk or we'll go to the pub for dinner. She always says that me and one other friend are the only ones ones who 'gets what she needs' and she really appreciates it.

So what she means is we are the only ones who tolerate being ignored when it suits her and engaged with when it also suits her.

About two months ago I was quite upset about something in my own life and she did reply but was fairly dismissive by text.

At around that time I took a good long look at all of the friendships in my life and realised that I was the one doing the running in all of them. So I decided to drop the rope and stop initiating contact with the people who don't ever contact me first or who ignore messages when I do. This included this friend.

No big drama or fallouts I just let things drift. I've been really happy and free the last couple of months since I did this and this is about me, my own boundaries and what I consider friendship.

So this friend hasn't been in touch in all that time which I'm fine with as she's as capable of contacting me as I am her. But now I'm worrying a bit about her as I know Christmas is hard for her and she will see herself as having been dumped whereas for me I'm applying boundaries across the board.

AIBU to carry on with this even though its almost Christmas this week or should I put a card through her door?

OP posts:
CareBear50 · 23/12/2021 11:47

Put a card through her door OP. Just say you've been busy but look forward to hearing from her and hope she's doing OK as you know it's a tough time of year for her
And see if she gets back to you

Bonheurdupasse · 23/12/2021 11:51

Be strong and keep your boundaries. Otherwise you'll be drawn into the same vicious circle and keep feeling like shot.

Bonheurdupasse · 23/12/2021 11:52

*Obviously meant something else than "shot".

Coyoacan · 23/12/2021 12:00

I generally need other people to initiate contact but I think I repay the friendship in other ways. However it is particularly hard to be friends with someone stuck in misery who won't do anything to help themselves

NorthSouthcatlady · 23/12/2021 12:02

Another vote to keep boundaries. She seems to want lots of support but not actually give any back. That’s not fair or being a good friend

Muchmorethan · 23/12/2021 12:06

I would send the card and the message as it then is her "turn" to contact you

Original poster
nobodysperfectatall · 23/12/2021 12:10

Thanks all I'm really torn so really appreciate replies.

I spoke to a counsellor friend who suggested I consider that I might be enabling her helplessness by always being the one who 'rescues' her makes contact, chivies her out and that this might be enabling her sense of victimhood rather than helping her move forward.

OP posts:
Takemine · 23/12/2021 12:13

I would send her a card if you usually do, otherwise you've effectively ghosted her rather than distanced.

Biscuitsneeded · 23/12/2021 12:16

Send the card; it's not a huge effort for you. Then the ball is in her court.

MrTumblesEyebrows · 23/12/2021 12:16

I'm going through something similar with 2 friends. It's ok for them to ignore my messages, leave me on read or "get back to me when they have time". It's ok for them to never initiate a conversation. Apparently it's not ok for me to be the same.

I'm not even being petty. The last time I saw them they were both rude to me because of cancelled plans that were not my fault. I'm the one keeping the friendship going and fitting in when it suits them. Something came up and they get to treat me like a child about it.

They don't know that my life has imploded and I'm having a really hard time because I'm not offering that information and they never ask. I got a passive aggressive text about it "not being like me" to ignore messages.

Keep your boundaries. Your friend is showing you who she is. You have no obligation to keep this going. If she has a hard time she can reach out to you.

SNUG2022 · 23/12/2021 12:16

Post the card with generic Xmas message, but no more than that.

Original poster
nobodysperfectatall · 23/12/2021 12:17

@Takemine

I would send her a card if you usually do, otherwise you've effectively ghosted her rather than distanced.
Thank you I don't usually send her a card, I don't do them so it would be a form of initiated contact for me to do that today.
OP posts:
Original poster
nobodysperfectatall · 23/12/2021 12:19

@MrTumblesEyebrows

I'm going through something similar with 2 friends. It's ok for them to ignore my messages, leave me on read or "get back to me when they have time". It's ok for them to never initiate a conversation. Apparently it's not ok for me to be the same.

I'm not even being petty. The last time I saw them they were both rude to me because of cancelled plans that were not my fault. I'm the one keeping the friendship going and fitting in when it suits them. Something came up and they get to treat me like a child about it.

They don't know that my life has imploded and I'm having a really hard time because I'm not offering that information and they never ask. I got a passive aggressive text about it "not being like me" to ignore messages.

Keep your boundaries. Your friend is showing you who she is. You have no obligation to keep this going. If she has a hard time she can reach out to you.

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

I have had a wonderful couple of months with no expectations of people to return or initiate contact and life just feels clearer and happier.

I think your friends have shown you who they are :(

OP posts:
12548ehe9fnfobms · 23/12/2021 12:19

I have this situation also. What has helped me was a discussion with the 'friend' I have been helping for decades where she criticised me for helping when asked. I was really hurt.
It helped me understand her behaviour for what it was. Needless to say I maintain no contact now as it's heathier for me. I'm putting me 1st. I've learnt that if i don't put me 1st, no-one else will.
Also, I think it's ok to think & worry about people without doing anything about it. I think of my fried & worry from afar, I'm learning that with some folk, you have to love them from a distance.

12548ehe9fnfobms · 23/12/2021 12:21

And I vote for not sending a card, she hasn't has she? So why is that acceptable treatment of you.

Somebodylikeyew · 23/12/2021 12:22

Do you want to keep the friendship?

If so, I think Christmas is a really easy time to make contact. Just pop a card through wishing her a Happy Christmas and saying it would be lovely to catch up in the New Year.

If not, thats different.

Original poster
nobodysperfectatall · 23/12/2021 12:23

@Somebodylikeyew

Do you want to keep the friendship?

If so, I think Christmas is a really easy time to make contact. Just pop a card through wishing her a Happy Christmas and saying it would be lovely to catch up in the New Year.

If not, thats different.

I'd like to keep the friendship if she initiates from time to time but not on these terms, no.
OP posts:
NewbieAlert · 23/12/2021 12:31

I wouldn’t send the card.
The friendship needs to be give and take. It shouldn’t leave you feeling drained and resentful.
I’d cut her lose.

Riverlee · 23/12/2021 12:32

Send a card and wish her happy Christmas, then leave it at that. You’ll then be maintaining the friendship, but going forward, the ball is in her court.

KatyRebecca84 · 23/12/2021 12:32

I can totally relate to this.
It sounds like you've always been the one to make the effort and it isn't your responsibility to make sure she is ok. You have your own life and it's ok to focus on that.
Once you post the card, it will start the cycle up again.. I know as it happened to me and i'm back in a toxic negative friendship i'd hoped to ditch!

TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet · 23/12/2021 12:34

Send a card to be friendly but don’t apologise or mention the lower contact. You have nothing to be sorry about so don’t apologise otherwise you’re just tearing down your boundaries yourself.

Uninterested · 23/12/2021 12:36

You are massively overthinking this. You know what's she is like. She isn't going to change. If you are happy to contact her then do so but with the expectation they she won't reply. Or, if you don't fancy it, then don't. It doesn't need any thought.
I'd probably send a quick text but I'd not expect a reply and I'd not be 'disappointed' in not getting one.

I get some value out of some relationships that don't look good on paper but that is my choice.
You could have sent a quick text in the time you have spent doing this thread.

PinkArt · 23/12/2021 12:36

If you don't usually do cards, can you just send a Happy Christmas text on the day? If you are worried about her at this time of year then you've done a low effort nice thing, that might help if she's in a bad place. I wouldn't see that as being the only one driving the friendship in the same way I would at other times of year - everyone's parents have 'friends' who they exchange cards with once a year but never speak to outside of that! But beyond that, I'd let the friendship slide away.

Original poster
nobodysperfectatall · 23/12/2021 12:45

@Uninterested

You are massively overthinking this. You know what's she is like. She isn't going to change. If you are happy to contact her then do so but with the expectation they she won't reply. Or, if you don't fancy it, then don't. It doesn't need any thought. I'd probably send a quick text but I'd not expect a reply and I'd not be 'disappointed' in not getting one. I get some value out of some relationships that don't look good on paper but that is my choice. You could have sent a quick text in the time you have spent doing this thread.
Slightly aggressive post but thank you for your input nonetheless.
OP posts:
Original poster
nobodysperfectatall · 23/12/2021 12:46

@PinkArt

If you don't usually do cards, can you just send a Happy Christmas text on the day? If you are worried about her at this time of year then you've done a low effort nice thing, that might help if she's in a bad place. I wouldn't see that as being the only one driving the friendship in the same way I would at other times of year - everyone's parents have 'friends' who they exchange cards with once a year but never speak to outside of that! But beyond that, I'd let the friendship slide away.
Thanks I'll think about whether to text her tomorrow. I'd have to walk to her house to drop off a card and thats effort I don't feel like finding when there's a million other things to do.
OP posts: