To not have contacted this friend?

[nobodysperfectatall]

I have a friend I've known for about 10 years, know through DC I'd say we are good friends but not best friends if that makes sense.

Her DH left her 7 years ago and she's basically been heartbroken ever since. She went consider counselling but seems very 'stuck'.

She often doesn't read WhatsApp messages or reply to them. If I make an effort to push past this she will come for a walk or we'll go to the pub for dinner. She always says that me and one other friend are the only ones ones who 'gets what she needs' and she really appreciates it.

So what she means is we are the only ones who tolerate being ignored when it suits her and engaged with when it also suits her.

About two months ago I was quite upset about something in my own life and she did reply but was fairly dismissive by text.

At around that time I took a good long look at all of the friendships in my life and realised that I was the one doing the running in all of them. So I decided to drop the rope and stop initiating contact with the people who don't ever contact me first or who ignore messages when I do. This included this friend.

No big drama or fallouts I just let things drift. I've been really happy and free the last couple of months since I did this and this is about me, my own boundaries and what I consider friendship.

So this friend hasn't been in touch in all that time which I'm fine with as she's as capable of contacting me as I am her. But now I'm worrying a bit about her as I know Christmas is hard for her and she will see herself as having been dumped whereas for me I'm applying boundaries across the board.

AIBU to carry on with this even though its almost Christmas this week or should I put a card through her door?

You have answered all your own questions. Have a read back. You know that this “friendship” is not mutual or reciprocal.

She hasn’t changed in 8 years. This is who she is.

She hasn’t responded to or valued the support you gave her or stepped up when you needed support.

You took the right emotional decision to withdraw because of how you say you felt ….. all that’s happening now is YOU are doubting yourself due to some misapplied loyalty or obligation to another which comes at the expense of your own self worth.

Don’t slip back into this futile and unsatisfactory relationship when you have made so much progress.

Don’t keep “hoping” she will change / get better / be different and be continually disappointed and drained.

Look at the space that this draining “friendship” has created for yourself or to pursue or nurture new more refreshing friendships.

Hold strong.

“I've been really happy and free the last couple of months since I did this and this is about me, my own boundaries and what I consider friendship.”

“I have had a wonderful couple of months with no expectations of people to return or initiate contact and life just feels clearer and happier.”

“I think your friends have shown you who they are.”

“I'd like to keep the friendship if she initiates from time to time but not on these terms, no.”

“But now I'm worrying a bit about her as I know Christmas is hard for her and she will see herself as having been dumped whereas for me I'm applying boundaries across the board.”

“I don't usually send her a card, I don't do them so it would be a form of initiated contact for me to do that today.”

“There is something about this particular friend that makes me feel guilty for doing it, due to her personal circumstances.”

I think you know what you want to do, especially after saying you've had a wonderful few months without this person in your life, that speaks volumes to me.
You've done enough, don't feel guilty.

I'm the kind of friend who is awful at contact. I make no excuses for it, I know it's unacceptable but it's a deep anxiety type thing for me. I will think about someone everyday and care about them deeply while completely failing to reply to their messages or initiate contact.
I wouldn't send the card. I think she needs to feel the shame of her actions and feel the consequences. If you keep the friendship ticking over it allows her to believe things aren't that bad and she still has wiggle room to be uncommunicative. It's a comforting lie.
The sting of no contact from you is a reasonable and fair thing for her to feel, and could be a prompt for her to admit her faults and apologise, or make more of an effort. Or she will stay hunkered down and continue not to reach out.
Either way, you can't keep things going all on your own. Give her the chance to a good friend, rather than shouldering that yourself.

Stick to your guns. One sided friendships are hard work. You've been there for her all these years, wait & see how long it takes her to contact you

It might sound hard but ffs her husband left 7 years ago, she should have moved on by now.

If she needs support that badly she knows how to get hold of you.

I'm going through similar with a friend of mine and I'm absolutely determined that this time I'm not giving in

Friendship is a two way street. This friend isn't a true friend.

@ResentfulAF that’s a very courageous and honest post. It also echos the guidance of the OPs therapist that rescuing / taking responsibility for all of the emotional heavy lifting in the friendship is inadvertently keeping her friend stuck.

I am also currently sitting on my hands and biting my tongue in an attempt to wait for the ball to be returned from the court of a self absorbed friend. I am technically “last man standing” as my “friend”
has offended/snubbed/not nurtured or respected other friends. It will be interesting to see if / when she notices - although we have been round this loop before many times before - it’s almost like a blinking competition where I lose!

Don’t worry about a card. You sound like a really nice person, and great friend but she hasn’t bothered to contact you, or send you a card to start up contact again. Maybe losing you will make her think about and improve her friendship behaviour, But ultimately she has shown you that she does not think your friendship is worth her putting in the effort-only you, on her terms.

Thank you everyone. I'm going to leave things at they are, I appreciate all viewpoints, they really helped me to clarify things.

Think I can see why the DH left.......
I wouldn't give her another thought.