To not have contacted this friend?

[nobodysperfectatall]

I have a friend I've known for about 10 years, know through DC I'd say we are good friends but not best friends if that makes sense.

Her DH left her 7 years ago and she's basically been heartbroken ever since. She went consider counselling but seems very 'stuck'.

She often doesn't read WhatsApp messages or reply to them. If I make an effort to push past this she will come for a walk or we'll go to the pub for dinner. She always says that me and one other friend are the only ones ones who 'gets what she needs' and she really appreciates it.

So what she means is we are the only ones who tolerate being ignored when it suits her and engaged with when it also suits her.

About two months ago I was quite upset about something in my own life and she did reply but was fairly dismissive by text.

At around that time I took a good long look at all of the friendships in my life and realised that I was the one doing the running in all of them. So I decided to drop the rope and stop initiating contact with the people who don't ever contact me first or who ignore messages when I do. This included this friend.

No big drama or fallouts I just let things drift. I've been really happy and free the last couple of months since I did this and this is about me, my own boundaries and what I consider friendship.

So this friend hasn't been in touch in all that time which I'm fine with as she's as capable of contacting me as I am her. But now I'm worrying a bit about her as I know Christmas is hard for her and she will see herself as having been dumped whereas for me I'm applying boundaries across the board.

AIBU to carry on with this even though its almost Christmas this week or should I put a card through her door?

Go with your intuition, your heart and be flexible - this is the real world, people and situations are complex - no simple set of rules is ever going to be perfect for all situations - drop her a note - it really could arrive at the right time and make a difference - obviously the smart money is that it will be inconsequential but you don't know that - something seems to be telling you to contact her so I'd do that and not get selfishly wrapped up by your rules. I have had to cut contact with peopel in my life because they largely only added problems and stress to my life and it was definitely the right thing to do but equally I shared a few long overdue home truths with a long standing friend of 20 years and he cut contact with me - I continued to message him and slowly, reluctantly he has started to write back - I don't regret it at all - telling him things someone needed to tell him - I didn't want to lose him as a friend - that wasn't my intention - to burn bridges but I was prepared for that to happen - I was still surprised by his reaction and the fact that he has not tried to talk to me about the things I said - I'd still argue my case with him. So - be intelligent - and that includes being intuitive, compassionate, forgiving... all those good qualities.

@NorthSouthcatlady

Another vote to keep boundaries. She seems to want lots of support but not actually give any back. That’s not fair or being a good friend

This.

These people can be very draining.

They are what you need boundaries for.

Unless her fingers are broken she can pick up a 'phone if she wants.

"When people show you who they are, believe them"

The card will start something. So it really depends if you want to pursue ths friendship as it stands. If you don't, then do not send the card.

I wouldn't bother and I wouldn't contact her again.
Leave her to it.

Never feel guilty about having boundaries OP, or about peoples' reactions to them.

I wouldn't send a card if you don't normally (but would if you do).

I'd send a text to say that you've been busy, you hope she has a happy Christmas and she should get in touch if she wants to get together. It's Christmas, and not contacting her at all seems unnecessarily ghosting but you need to set firmer boundaries.

I would just send a non commital happy Xmas text. Don't suggest meeting up, ball is them in her court to do that if she wants.

I read this on here a few days ago - 'how someone treats you tells you what they feel about you'.

Wise words, whoever wrote them - thank you. We really don't need to concern ourselves with treatment we haven't deserved, or the people that dish it out.

Yes, leave her to it, and live your life without this hassle.

I would put a card through the door but stop doing all the running.

@larkstar

Go with your intuition, your heart and be flexible - this is the real world, people and situations are complex - no simple set of rules is ever going to be perfect for all situations - drop her a note - it really could arrive at the right time and make a difference - obviously the smart money is that it will be inconsequential but you don't know that - something seems to be telling you to contact her so I'd do that and not get selfishly wrapped up by your rules. I have had to cut contact with peopel in my life because they largely only added problems and stress to my life and it was definitely the right thing to do but equally I shared a few long overdue home truths with a long standing friend of 20 years and he cut contact with me - I continued to message him and slowly, reluctantly he has started to write back - I don't regret it at all - telling him things someone needed to tell him - I didn't want to lose him as a friend - that wasn't my intention - to burn bridges but I was prepared for that to happen - I was still surprised by his reaction and the fact that he has not tried to talk to me about the things I said - I'd still argue my case with him. So - be intelligent - and that includes being intuitive, compassionate, forgiving... all those good qualities.

I've been being intuitive, compassionate and forgiving for 7 years now.

If it will make you feel better, post a card. Then you don't need to go all the way to their house.

If it will not make you feel better, then leave it. Especially if you are happy for the friendship to fade.

OP: "I'm applying boundaries across the board".

I have no idea what this piece of jargon means - I see those words on this site all the time - it must be from one of the handful of books people constantly refer to on here.
I wouldn't post a card - you are inviting her back in to basically use you.
You made your decision and it was the right one.

@Diana8

OP: "I'm applying boundaries across the board".

I have no idea what this piece of jargon means - I see those words on this site all the time - it must be from one of the handful of books people constantly refer to on here.
I wouldn't post a card - you are inviting her back in to basically use you.
You made your decision and it was the right one.

As I said in my OP I am applying the same boundaries to all the friends who never initiate contact and / or don't reply to messages.

There is something about this particular friend that makes me feel guilty for doing it, due to her personal circumstances.

Ughh, so sorry, I really hadn’t meant my post to have come across aggressively. Apologies!!!!

I was just trying to say that you are overthinking it!

There is nothing wrong in whatever option you choose.

I’ve had phases of dropping contact with friends where I do all the running and a few have disappeared from my life but there are a few where I’ve stopped judging and accept if I want to see them I initiate it . Many years later I’m really glad I stuck with them, we often meet or chat on the phone they are pleased to see me and readily respond when they hear from me.
I think dropping off a card is a nice light way of keeping the lines of communication open for the future

@Uninterested

Ughh, so sorry, I really hadn’t meant my post to have come across aggressively. Apologies!!!! I was just trying to say that you are overthinking it! There is nothing wrong in whatever option you choose.

Oh thank you, sorry I see what you're saying.

I wouldn't send a card myself. You've done your best over the past 7 years... if she cares about your friendship it is very easy for her to initiate contact.

I always say it is good to "mirror people". Copy her way of behaving and see if it jolts her out of complacency ans she starts putting in effort, or whether she cba and is not that bothered about you.

Coyoacan - I generally need other people to initiate contact - why? On the face of it this seems so selfish, even though you put that you "repay" their friendship. But why do others have to make the first move towards you?

I’d probably send a card in this situation, but if you’re happy for her to stay out of your life there’s no need to.

@CareBear50

Put a card through her door OP. Just say you've been busy but look forward to hearing from her and hope she's doing OK as you know it's a tough time of year for her And see if she gets back to you

This. ^

She's useless, but you already knew that.

This way, you are very clearly putting the ball in her court. No mixed messages, no ghosting. You clearly say something like "I'd love to hear from you when you're up for doing something!" and then walk away.

@nobodysperfectatall

Thanks all I'm really torn so really appreciate replies.

I spoke to a counsellor friend who suggested I consider that I might be enabling her helplessness by always being the one who 'rescues' her makes contact, chivies her out and that this might be enabling her sense of victimhood rather than helping her move forward.

Your counsellor has hit the nail on the head.

"There is something about this particular friend that makes me feel guilty for doing it, due to her personal circumstances"

This might help OP.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/it-will-take-more-than-one-attempt-to-communicate-your-boundaries-keep-going/

Its a hard one isn't it OP.

I think if you don't usually send cards, I wouldn't send one this year.
However I would drop a Happy New Year text to her.

But if you're happy for her to stay out of your life, then don't as it is potentially opening the door for her.

I lost touch with a friend of many many years this year. We didn't fall out but haven't seen each other since covid due to distance. We stayed in touch via irregular phonecalls but I found myself getting more and more stressed after talking to her and I kept lengthening the time between calls. This thread has made me reflect that perhaps she feels 'ghosted'. I hope not. I have just realised we are very different people, our outlooks on life are very different and I don't 'enjoy' talking to her and I'm sure she feels the same.

I wouldn't send a card if its not something you usually do. I've been in the exact same situation as you op and I tbh although my circle is smaller now im happier. I haven't fallen out with anyone just haven't initiated and guess what haven't heard from them since! Friendships go both ways.