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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucked off with DP

96 replies

fountainofyouth2 · 21/12/2021 15:11

DP has broken up from work and has now decided that the garden desperately needs leaf blowing...

Whilst our DD(1) refuses to have a nap and DS(6 weeks old!!) has yet another crying fit because he's got severe reflux and is in agony.....

All whilst I've had 2 hours sleep all night, got a million things to do for Christmas, house is a shit tip and washing piled everywhere. Apparently right now is the perfect time to leaf blow! Not like we don't have other priorities.

AIBU for thinking now isn't the time and the garden can wait? Hmm

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 21/12/2021 19:37

@girlmom21

Everyone's saying OP shouldn't have to ask for help - and I agree to an extent - but if OP has seemingly been managing well for the last 6 weeks it's not massively unreasonable of him to assume she's ok and that he'd be of use doing the jobs that haven't been done yet, surely?

This is why communication is so important.

No. It is massively unreasonable to assume that a woman who is six weeks postpartum and has a one year old as well needs no help just because she hasn't had a full screaming breakdown.

As for the person making this ridiculous assumption being her partner and father of the children...

girlmom21 · 21/12/2021 19:44

@DrSbaitso you don't have to have a screaming meltdown to be able to communicate but ok

Tonkerbea · 21/12/2021 19:50

Some posters on here are ridiculous, it's not about the sodding leaves!

Your 'D' H is opting out of family life by going in the garden and titting about with a telescope. This is even more galling in the context of you, sleep-deprived, juggling very young children.

You need to want better for you and your children. A caring partner would be making sure he was present and giving you a break. I feel for you OP, my husband is by no means perfect, but he'd never leave me to look after two kids on two hours asleep while he meandered through life doing non-urgent chores. Is he always this inconsiderate?

DrSbaitso · 21/12/2021 19:51

[quote girlmom21]@DrSbaitso you don't have to have a screaming meltdown to be able to communicate but ok [/quote]
Well apparently you do, if Dad will "assume" you're OK with a newborn and a one year old by yourself merely because you haven't had one.

OP does need to stop telling us and start telling him. But he sounds like such a spectacular self-serving dimwit that I suspect any attempts at reasonable conversation will be ignored. Then if he does get the screaming meltdown because Mum is just at the end of her tether, it'll be "she's just crazy".

Come on, how many of these threads do we get every day?

Original poster
fountainofyouth2 · 21/12/2021 19:58

Well I mentioned it to DP that I could really use some time to get some stuff sorted, made sure DS had just had a feed so that he would be ok with DP for a while before he physically needed me again. Decided to nip to the shop to pick up some necessities and came home about 25 mins later (traffic was bad) and it was like I'd been out for 24 hours!

DP's first reply was "I thought you'd ran off and wasn't coming back!" I really was ready to blow just from this remark.

So I asked him if it was a problem that I'd nipped out the house for no more than 30 minutes. He was all pissy when I asked him how DS had been whilst I was out to which he replied "Wank!" Confused at this point he's putting DD to bed as she's knackered. I just walked out the room and left DP to it. What he doesn't realise is that whilst he's at work on his afternoon shifts, that's what my evening routine looks like when putting DD to bed, it's difficult juggling the two of them especially when DS isn't well and will not be put down.

Needless to say, I mentioned today wasn't the day to blow leaves and I would've really liked for him to be present and ease the load for me. Unfortunately this wasn't met with much support from him, apparently feeding DD her tea is for me and getting up with her at 7am is for me... in my eyes that's basic parenting.

Sad
OP posts:
PumpkinEye · 21/12/2021 20:01

@fountainofyouth2 It IS basic parenting, and we all know it. The question is how much strength you have atm for this fight..even if you don’t for now, don’t let it go. You are right.

PumpkinEye · 21/12/2021 20:03

But next time don’t say I need some time to get things sorted. Say we need to get things sorted, how can we do it?

Original poster
fountainofyouth2 · 21/12/2021 20:04

@PumpkinEye

But next time don’t say I need some time to get things sorted. Say we need to get things sorted, how can we do it?
You're right. He thinks that giving me time to sort stuff in OUR house is a break.
OP posts:
EKGEMS · 21/12/2021 20:06

Tell the dumb ass that there's a hell of a lot more needed to be done with the children than just two parenting tasks and if he can't suck it up and be an adult when you were out for half an hour then he needs more practice holding down the fort!

Original poster
fountainofyouth2 · 21/12/2021 20:08

@EKGEMS

Tell the dumb ass that there's a hell of a lot more needed to be done with the children than just two parenting tasks and if he can't suck it up and be an adult when you were out for half an hour then he needs more practice holding down the fort!
Right!? I told him I won't bother going out ever again then if that's how he'll behave when I return.

The git can do the Christmas food shop himself.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 21/12/2021 20:09

@fountainofyouth2

Well I mentioned it to DP that I could really use some time to get some stuff sorted, made sure DS had just had a feed so that he would be ok with DP for a while before he physically needed me again. Decided to nip to the shop to pick up some necessities and came home about 25 mins later (traffic was bad) and it was like I'd been out for 24 hours!

DP's first reply was "I thought you'd ran off and wasn't coming back!" I really was ready to blow just from this remark.

So I asked him if it was a problem that I'd nipped out the house for no more than 30 minutes. He was all pissy when I asked him how DS had been whilst I was out to which he replied "Wank!" Confused at this point he's putting DD to bed as she's knackered. I just walked out the room and left DP to it. What he doesn't realise is that whilst he's at work on his afternoon shifts, that's what my evening routine looks like when putting DD to bed, it's difficult juggling the two of them especially when DS isn't well and will not be put down.

Needless to say, I mentioned today wasn't the day to blow leaves and I would've really liked for him to be present and ease the load for me. Unfortunately this wasn't met with much support from him, apparently feeding DD her tea is for me and getting up with her at 7am is for me... in my eyes that's basic parenting.

Sad

None of this surprises me. The useless twit doesn't understand your daily routine even after he does it once. He's got two kids a year apart and doesn't understand that they'll need to be looked after concurrently.

You say his remark made you ready to blow...any reason why you didn't?

Maybe tell him that if he keeps this up, treating you like a nanny robot with tits, you'll stop loving him?

tilly2019 · 21/12/2021 20:09

Sorry OP that sucks. He's being a total bell end. Excuse the French. I hope this is him just having a bad day. Very selfish.

I would persevere though, keep ensuring he does his share! Going to work away from kids is 100% easier than looking after such young kids IMO and I know a majority of parents think this, look how he reacted after 30 mins of parenting his own child! If all else fails show him this feed which will show 80% of people thinking he's being unreasonable! And just for peace of mind, my husband does stuff like this sometimes too but I do pull him up on it, and he has gotten better!

Also to everyone saying OP should communicate with DP and not post on here...no shit. But when you're at your wits end it's very common to text a best friend or in this case post something on here to gauge if the way you're feeling is reasonable or not. Better that than go through life assuming you're right about everything.

Tonkerbea · 21/12/2021 20:09

So tending to the needs of his children is doing you a favour Hmm? He's sounding worse with every post.

DrSbaitso · 21/12/2021 20:09

Right!? I told him I won't bother going out ever again then if that's how he'll behave when I return. The git can do the Christmas food shop himself.

He'll do anything to avoid looking after his kids. And when he fucks up the food shop, that'll be your fault too.

RandomMess · 21/12/2021 20:11

AngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngry

Time to start writing down who does want parenting and who gets what leisure time.

Original poster
fountainofyouth2 · 21/12/2021 20:14

@DrSbaitso I did blow tbh. But tried to do it constructively because I don't like arguing in front of the DC's even though they don't understand.

He isn't always like this, and he does pull his weight I just question some of his choices sometimes. Like he'll pick the most inconvenient time to do something, it's like he doesn't think sometimes.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 21/12/2021 20:23

[quote fountainofyouth2]@DrSbaitso I did blow tbh. But tried to do it constructively because I don't like arguing in front of the DC's even though they don't understand.

He isn't always like this, and he does pull his weight I just question some of his choices sometimes. Like he'll pick the most inconvenient time to do something, it's like he doesn't think sometimes.

[/quote]
How does he pull his weight? What inconvenient tines does he choose to do stuff? Let me guess, whenever childcare needs doing?

Original poster
fountainofyouth2 · 21/12/2021 20:26

@DrSbaitso when you put it like that Sad

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/12/2021 20:28

He can do the house shit when the DC are in bed. Rest of the time he needs to do his share of parenting.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/12/2021 10:19

@fountainofyouth2 I do entirely feel for you OP. Been There.

Ask him if he's on a parenting strike? Or a Work to Rule. (sorry that's not too helpful)

Give him a schedule of tasks for today that he can't mess up too much, if you can bear it.

LostForIdeas · 22/12/2021 12:26

apparently feeding DD her tea is for me and getting up with her at 7am is for me... in my eyes that's basic parenting.

Oh this man needs to be left with his dcs in his own MUCH MORE often.
Getting with dc is for you Hmm
Giving her her meal is for you Hmm

On which planet he is living in where he has NO RESPONSIBILITY towards his children, not even to ensure they stay alive because they’ve eaten. So that doing something so basic is helping you and doing you a favour?!?

I’m raging for you @fountainofyouth2

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