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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucked off with DP

96 replies

fountainofyouth2 · 21/12/2021 15:11

DP has broken up from work and has now decided that the garden desperately needs leaf blowing...

Whilst our DD(1) refuses to have a nap and DS(6 weeks old!!) has yet another crying fit because he's got severe reflux and is in agony.....

All whilst I've had 2 hours sleep all night, got a million things to do for Christmas, house is a shit tip and washing piled everywhere. Apparently right now is the perfect time to leaf blow! Not like we don't have other priorities.

AIBU for thinking now isn't the time and the garden can wait? Hmm

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 21/12/2021 15:53

Fallen leaves decompose and are good for the soil and insects lf left over winter.

EmpressCixi · 21/12/2021 15:53

@ChocolateCakeYum

No clearing up dead leaves is not “a bloody waste of time” it’s necessary landscaping/gardening that someone has to get done. (Unlike posting about it on Mumsnet....)

And he is being an adult. He doesn’t need a task list. That’s not what I said. The problem is that his task list is different from OPs task list because they’re not communicating with each other.

Imagine trying to run a business where you never tell any employee what tasks they are responsible for, never tell them what task is a priority and what is not and then sit and complain when they do a different task from what you think they should be doing, but also refuse to say anything to them about it other than to tell them “to be an adult”

Your advice is utter madness.

foxy86 · 21/12/2021 15:56

This just made me laugh regarding the leaf blowing. I’m sure there’s a meme somewhere about house being a mess and jobs need doing and at last minute husband is leaf blowing in the attic or something daft.

If you need help though, don’t stew just ask him to hold the 6 week old while you sort out the other one. Once he has done leaf blowing get him doing another task and if he huffs just shrug your shoulders or put a baby in his arms instead.

EmpressCixi · 21/12/2021 15:56

@LostForIdeas
As for the leave blowing, the issue is NOT whether its a family task or needs doing. It's the timing. Its the fact he is chosing to do what he fancies doing wo asking the OP if she needs a break from the dcs. Or needs sleep. Or if there is something urgent that needs to be done that he didn't know about (or chose to ignore).

So you think people actually like to clear away dead leaves? That they “fancy” going out in zero degree weather and doing necessary garden maintenance? And you think he should have asked the OP for permission first? Isn’t that infantilising men?

Original poster
fountainofyouth2 · 21/12/2021 15:57

Yes I do have a 6 week old baby boy , he is gorgeous but very hard work, with little or no sleep I'm just about managing to entertain toddler DD.

I've not left the house for a week or had 5 mins to myself. I try to shower whilst DD is napping and for 5 mins whilst DS lets me put him down.

My problem is not knowing when to ask for help. I think it's quiet obvious I need an extra pair of hands in the house; not in the garden leaf blowing. I'd love to say I'm sat inside with my feet up, I've just whizzed round the house whilst DD naps and stuck DS in the sling so I can try and get some of my to do list sorted. I've not had chance to talk to DP because I've quite literally had my hands full and he's been outdoors for 2 hours.

OP posts:
EmpressCixi · 21/12/2021 15:58

@1forAll74

Fallen leaves decompose and are good for the soil and insects lf left over winter.
Only if they have fallen in the woods. If they are on grass, flower beds, or gravel drives, they are harmful and a nuisance.
Diana8 · 21/12/2021 15:58

Removing leaves is not pointless. We had rats breeding in our walled garden last winter and the council rat man said it was because we had stacks and stacks of leaves lying about providing nesting material and insects for the rats. There are piles of leaves in our garden now again that need to be removed!
Put a load of washing on so at least that can be doing while you fret.

Original poster
fountainofyouth2 · 21/12/2021 16:00

My post wasn't to emphasise that leaf blowing is or is not important Grin more to do with DP choosing to do that than give me a hand with our DC.

It just seems a silly task to be doing right at this moment in time.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 21/12/2021 16:01

Just talk to him.

tilly2019 · 21/12/2021 16:04

Your partners timing is insensitive. If the shoe was on the other foot how would he feel?

Give him responsibility of the kids when he comes inside for the same amount of time he was leaf blowing, and catch up on your bits.

Honestly, just gotta point these things out to him so he starts to think of these things for himself and being a bit more considerate.

Write a list too - not only so it's out your head but so you can allocate a few things to him!

Ijustreallywantacat · 21/12/2021 16:04

Have you actually asked for a hand?

tiredanddangerous · 21/12/2021 16:08

As soon as he comes back in hand him the baby and go and wallow in a nice hot bath op. Next time tell him how you feel before he buggers off to the garden for hours.

mildtomoderate · 21/12/2021 16:12

@Ijustreallywantacat

Have you actually asked for a hand?
Should she have to? They're his children too.
girlmom21 · 21/12/2021 16:14

@mildtomoderate it's her garden too. If he thinks she's fine and happy he might think he's doing a good thing by sorting the garden.

Youdoyoutoday · 21/12/2021 16:18

Trouble is some blokes just need telling what to do to. My DP is a tad gormless sometimes, he does the washing up and will hang laundry but I do need to ask for specific tasks to be done as he just doesn't see it.

If its a busy day of chores, I'll just write out a list and tell him which ones are his.

And sometimes, I just need to say "for fucks sake, do your bit!" Doesn't happen that often but I'm not very patient so it's surprising it doesn't happen every day!

Paris14eme · 21/12/2021 16:18

My XH used to do that! And wash the car by hand (so he could listen to the sport on the radio outside)… leaving me with 4 little ones under 6 indoors (including newborn twins!). Needless to say, we’re divorced now and I’m a whole lot happier!

Geppili · 21/12/2021 16:19

Gove him the baby and have a long hot bath. He should do tea and bedtime too.

WhoUsedMyName · 21/12/2021 16:22

Well done op you have woken & clearly upset the whole leaf blowing community!

WhoUsedMyName · 21/12/2021 16:24

I completely get it and right now was probably not the right time to leaf blow if ever
but just maybe & im being kind dp had a mental list of what he was going to do.
Shout him in tell him it's hard and you need help doing xy & z

Original poster
fountainofyouth2 · 21/12/2021 16:27

@WhoUsedMyName

Well done op you have woken & clearly upset the whole leaf blowing community!
Xmas Grin oops! Didn't realise there were so many leaf blowing fanatics!
OP posts:
WhoUsedMyName · 21/12/2021 16:31

@fountainofyouth2 Grin
I know we shouldn't have to but apparently some full grown men need instructions. Mine being one of them

2catsandhappy · 21/12/2021 16:38

Text him. It is time for him to cook dinner.
xx

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 21/12/2021 16:53

Why are you not telling him.

Dh here's a list of things that need doing before Xmas and your fucking leaf blowing activities. Don't forget to add in giving you a lie in

ShirleyPhallus · 21/12/2021 16:57

Imagine trying to run a business where you never tell any employee what tasks they are responsible for, never tell them what task is a priority and what is not and then sit and complain when they do a different task from what you think they should be doing, but also refuse to say anything to them about it other than to tell them “to be an adult”

Imagine treating your husband like an employee!

Holdingontonothing · 21/12/2021 17:14

I always think with these threads that posters do overlook that men often process their environment differently. So he probably does think he's helping, it's not the "he's trying to opt out of family life" that so many like to default to on here, so all he needs to know is what are the priorities as you see them. Just takes a little communication, that's all.