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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucked off with DP

96 replies

fountainofyouth2 · 21/12/2021 15:11

DP has broken up from work and has now decided that the garden desperately needs leaf blowing...

Whilst our DD(1) refuses to have a nap and DS(6 weeks old!!) has yet another crying fit because he's got severe reflux and is in agony.....

All whilst I've had 2 hours sleep all night, got a million things to do for Christmas, house is a shit tip and washing piled everywhere. Apparently right now is the perfect time to leaf blow! Not like we don't have other priorities.

AIBU for thinking now isn't the time and the garden can wait? Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
fountainofyouth2 · 21/12/2021 17:39

[quote WhoUsedMyName]@fountainofyouth2 Grin
I know we shouldn't have to but apparently some full grown men need instructions. Mine being one of them [/quote]
Clearly mine needs a written manual HmmGrin he's finished blowing leaves and building his telescope. Currently giving DD her tea whilst holding crying DS.

I've come upstairs out the way for 5 mins. Need to write to do list asap before my brain goes into over drive!

OP posts:
DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 21/12/2021 17:44

I don’t understand why you can’t just tell him, he’s your DP, communicate with him.

LostForIdeas · 21/12/2021 17:47

@Holdingontonothing

I always think with these threads that posters do overlook that men often process their environment differently. So he probably does think he's helping, it's not the "he's trying to opt out of family life" that so many like to default to on here, so all he needs to know is what are the priorities as you see them. Just takes a little communication, that's all.
Really?!? I mean really ??

Those poor men process their environment differently.
So they can’t see that their partner needs a break after nit sleeping due to baby waking up, after having to hold said baby upright all the time etc… they just cannot process she will be exhausted and needs help? Like a long lie in.

They also can’t see mess or that you need to do some shopping ahead of preparing Christmas dinner. Because yes, food will just appear in the house. Hmm

Come on. You should give more credit to men and their abilities. If I was a man, I’d find that sort of comment insulting tbh.

Hankunamatata · 21/12/2021 17:50

You walk over pick a child to hand to him and walk away. And keep repeating

LostForIdeas · 21/12/2021 17:54

And he is being an adult. He doesn’t need a task list. That’s not what I said. The problem is that his task list is different from OPs task list because they’re not communicating with each other.

@EmpressCixi, are you saying that if a man sees his dwife not sleeping, struggling a baby with reflux, struggling to entertain a toddler at the same time, struggling to even have a shower. When he sees all that right in front of him, then he just cannot think or imagine that his dwife needs help? She has to ‘communicate’ first and states her needs. Because he will not be able to I angine she needs help wo her telling him.

Wow, what sort if man have you met/lived with? Because most men I’ve met are able to do that sort things. They are not stupid. They are not sends and emotionally disconnected. They can put themselves in someone else feet. And realise that really on the top of THEIR list, they should have ‘supporting my dwife as she is clearly struggling right now’ well above ‘blowing leaves’ or ‘building a telescope’

(Please don’t tell me that building a telescope is part of the family tasks that need doing….)

RightOnTheEdge · 21/12/2021 18:00

I get that you shouldn't have to ask him OP. He should see you struggling and he should know that you need help.
He clearly isn't going to though so I think you should say what you said in your OP for your own sake.
Don't run yourself quietly into the ground Flowers

gsaoej · 21/12/2021 18:02

Why don’t you just cancel Christmas and cancel the mental load. Your baby will know nothing and your 1yo will be happy with any present and neither will remember a thing.

Toomuchtoodo · 21/12/2021 18:05

I went out and raked the leaves today too. I had other jobs to do in the house, but it was a dry day, the leaves were dry and the grass underneath was dying.

Team DP here.

stuntbubbles · 21/12/2021 18:06

I always think with these threads that posters do overlook that men often process their environment differently.
Lol, he’s processed the environment of a toddler and a newborn and thought “I’ll fuck off outside so I can avoid dealing with them”. He’s not doing it out of some leaf-blowing devotion like the fanatics here, because he’s moved on to BUILDING A TELESCOPE. Find me the mother who builds a telescope when they’ve got a six-week-old.

LostForIdeas · 21/12/2021 18:10

@Toomuchtoodo

I went out and raked the leaves today too. I had other jobs to do in the house, but it was a dry day, the leaves were dry and the grass underneath was dying.

Team DP here.

Did you also have a partner that needed support because they are exhausted from not sleeping for the last 6 weeks?

If you don’t, then your situations are not comparable (which you know, come on!)
If you do, then sorry but you are dick. Ignoring your partner and your two dcs is crap. But yes, you’re right it does make a member of the DP team

tilly2019 · 21/12/2021 18:10

@gsaoej

Why don’t you just cancel Christmas and cancel the mental load. Your baby will know nothing and your 1yo will be happy with any present and neither will remember a thing.
Really?! Lol
LostForIdeas · 21/12/2021 18:12

@Toomuchtoodo are you also building a telescope whilst leaving your partner dealing with two dcs, one of who is poorly?

DazzlePaintedBattlePants · 21/12/2021 18:12

Removing leaves is important if you have primary school aged children who are on play dates or perhaps can occupy themselves safely (or God forfend, help) for a couple of hours.

When it’s a couple of days before Christmas and you have a newborn and toddler it’s fairly far down my list of shit that needs to get done.

optimistic40 · 21/12/2021 18:15

Sympathies... my ex used to do that. In fact, he wanted to do the garden every Saturday for hours when we had a small baby and a young child. He didn't "get it" until we split up and he looked after DC alone. I didn't want to sort out the house and kids all week and then continue doing that whilst he did the garden on weekends! I would've rather done the garden and he could sort the kids, washing, cleaning and the rest!

TowandaForever · 21/12/2021 18:17

@EmpressCixi

Removing leaves isn’t pointless if they are on your grass, they’re killing it. If they are on a gravel drive, they’re encouraging weeds.

I do hate leaf blowers though. Polluting and noisy.

But at least he’s getting things done. What are you doing? Probably same as I am. Sitting with my feet up, a cup of hot chocolate and being lazy.

I thought I read recently that leaves were good for grass ? Think it was a article in the guardian.
Whatwouldscullydo · 21/12/2021 18:19

Lol, he’s processed the environment of a toddler and a newborn and thought “I’ll fuck off outside so I can avoid dealing with them”. He’s not doing it out of some leaf-blowing devotion like the fanatics here, because he’s moved on to BUILDING A TELESCOPE. Find me the mother who builds a telescope when they’ve got a six-week-old.

This

I expect the loft will suddenly need sorting next, or the old broken bird table thats been rotting on the patio fir the past 5 years waiting to be disposed off will this secind require being taken to the tip

tilly2019 · 21/12/2021 18:20

@Toomuchtoodo it's not about the physical act of raking the leaves, it has to be taken in context.

Did you rake the leaves on no sleep, 6 weeks post partum, whilst simultaneously also managing to be inside the house looking after your newborn baby and toddler? If so, tell us your secrets

JustJustWhy · 21/12/2021 18:32

The retired but spritely, annoying twat across the road loves nothing more than firing up his leaf blower every day, including VERY early every Saturday and Sunday morning. My favourite fantasy flips between gathering huge bin bags of leaves, under the cover of darkness and dumping them all over his lawn and stealing his leaf blower, inserting it up his arse and switching it on.

Shedmistress · 21/12/2021 18:46

Unless they are on gravel, I mow all my leaves, and make leaf mould with them.

Hope that helps. Smile

DrSbaitso · 21/12/2021 18:46

You shouldn't need to tell him, but you do. No good telling us.

Tell him and see what the response is. You've got a choice here and you're choosing not to talk to him about it.

mumof2exhausted · 21/12/2021 18:47

Oh my god so many people on this thread are just not getting it’s not about the bloody leaves!! My husband does this all the time. It could be dinner time, kitchen a mess, clothes need to be put away, baby crying, kids fighting and he’ll be like “right off to do my jobs then! And go and jet wash the patio and then come in all tired expecting a medal for doing a good job and needing a sit down as he’s tired from the “manual “ labour”. Im like . I don’t give a flying fuck about the patio, hold the bloody baby for me and put some clothes away.

He just can’t / won’t do the everyday tasks unless i physically ask him do. But will find lots of other jobs which are neither urgent nor important

NewbieAlert · 21/12/2021 18:51

He’s not leaf blowing.
He’s hiding outside under the guise of doing something useful.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 21/12/2021 19:27

@ShirleyPhallus

Imagine trying to run a business where you never tell any employee what tasks they are responsible for, never tell them what task is a priority and what is not and then sit and complain when they do a different task from what you think they should be doing, but also refuse to say anything to them about it other than to tell them “to be an adult”

Imagine treating your husband like an employee!

Imagine treating your wife like childcare, and doing whatever you like, instead of helping her as she's sleep deprived.
FangsForTheMemory · 21/12/2021 19:33

I didn't rake the leaves in my garden today because I tidied up, did a load of washing and hung two loads out and went for a long walk (my treat). Fallen leaves are a LONG way down my to do list and I haven't got two small children and an exhausted wife to think of.

Could it possibly be that this guy was looking for an excuse to be outside away from the demands of family?

girlmom21 · 21/12/2021 19:34

Everyone's saying OP shouldn't have to ask for help - and I agree to an extent - but if OP has seemingly been managing well for the last 6 weeks it's not massively unreasonable of him to assume she's ok and that he'd be of use doing the jobs that haven't been done yet, surely?

This is why communication is so important.

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