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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed with my husband over this

64 replies

Grumpbagmum · 20/12/2021 22:10

My husband is going to a concert and I’ve found out he’s going to meet an ex there as they both like the band. They dated when they were teenagers and are mates and I’m fine with that, I don’t like her very much but she’s not my mate and I don’t have to spend time with her so it’s fine.

However my husband hasn’t told me about it, i saw a message from the ex on his phone pop up and had a nose at the conversation (because I’m nosy AF).

I’m pretty sure he hasn’t told me as he knows I’m not a fan of hers and also he thinks the concert will probably get cancelled because of Covid.

In the conversation he’s offered to take her and pick her up, she does not live on the way there, it’ll be about two hours drive out of his way to get to hers before a long drive to the concert. He’d also been saying to me he was going to hire a car rather than taking our big vehicle, claiming it would be cheaper on a long journey, I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to take our (my) vehicle.

Rather than ask him about it I decided to book a hotel for him and have offered to go with him (night away from the kids, it’ll be good for both of us). He agreed to this and still hasn’t told me but has said it will probably be cancelled.

Am I being unreasonable for being annoyed about this? I genuinely don’t mind him going with her, I can’t stand the band and it’ll be nice for him to go with someone. But I’m seriously pissed off that he hasn’t told me about their plans to meet up. I feel like the grown up thing would be to talk to him about it, but I kind of just want to mess with him 😂

OP posts:
ThatsAllFolks · 20/12/2021 22:14

Awesome move. I'd be fucked off about not being told then fucked off a lot more re the extent of the diversion to collect and presumably drop back

dumplings1 · 20/12/2021 22:14

Yanbu he's betraying you

Lolabray · 20/12/2021 22:16

I’m sorry but I wouldn’t be happy about that why on earth would he go two hours out of his way to pick up and drop off an ex . Sounds strange to me.

Luredbyapomegranate · 20/12/2021 22:17

Keep at it. You could say you’ve decided you want to come -

I imagine he just didn’t mention it, and then it got to far along etc. But you might as well enjoy messing with his head

rrhuth · 20/12/2021 22:19

The weirdest bit is not wanting to take your car - wtf is that about?

HollowTalk · 20/12/2021 22:21

Perhaps he wants to show off in a nicer car? I wouldn't trust this man. He's having a date with an ex, ffs!

Casmama · 20/12/2021 22:27

I presume the hire car is to avoid the OP seeing quite how much mileage he has done.
Sounds like you don't trust him to have been snooping in his phone in the first place and also sounds like you have good reason. If he's not cheating with her then I suspect he's thinking about it.

Grumpbagmum · 20/12/2021 22:28

I agree, it’s really weird. I think because it’s my car he felt bad about taking it especially when going so far. He is being weird and it is out of character.

OP posts:
Restart10 · 20/12/2021 22:28

I genuinely don’t mind him going with her, I can’t stand the band and it’ll be nice for him to go with someone.

Well aren't you the cool wife. Op you know something is off here. Instead of booking hotel rooms to play games, just ask him.

NoHeavenNoMore · 20/12/2021 22:29

YANBU!! I would be fuming... how have you managed to keep your cool??

Bluntness100 · 20/12/2021 22:30

Christ he hides his meet ups you lie and don’t tell him you know but book to go with him so he can’t go with her. Pretend you’re fine with him being mates with his ex when secretly you’re seething with envy.

What a great relationship. Awesome.

WTF475878237NC · 20/12/2021 22:32

Good for you OP.

Re the car- I am a cynic and would think the worst and presume he was hoping to have sex in the car and doesn't want a protein lock on the seats for you to find.

Allmadeoflego · 20/12/2021 22:32

The car thing is awful. He’s doing that to completely cover his tracks. Who would hire a car when you have one at home?

Timeforabiscuit · 20/12/2021 22:32

What an arse, why on earth he couldn't just mention it - it all reeks a bit too much of "recapturing youth", was he always planning to go to the concert on his own? Does he do this regularly?

WTF475878237NC · 20/12/2021 22:33

Sorry posted too soon

What are you going to do long term though as this just isn't right is it?!

Elieza · 20/12/2021 22:34

He’s hiding stuff from you. Not good.

If you call him on it he will likely gaslight and claim he didn’t tell you because he knew you’d kick up a stink over nothing.

However it’s not nothing is it.

The car thing is weird. Does he know her exact address? Do you have sat nav? Could be something to do with that? Like you could look back and see what address he’d programmed in your car. Hers. Or if you don’t have it perhaps that’s why he wants a car that does, to find her house?

I think you’ll find he either a) isn’t going to a gig at all and is going to her house. Or b) he tells you it’s cancelled so he’s going to the pub with mates and meanwhile goes to her house.

Dunno how he’ll get out of the hotel though. Perhaps you should tell him you can now afford it you will come with him to the gig, or your friends friends friend has a spare ticket for sale and watch what happens next…Grin Or am I just overly suspicious and naughty?

Zampa · 20/12/2021 22:34

YABU purely on the basis that you're not talking to him about it. Instead of playing games, have a grown up conversation.

explodingeyes · 20/12/2021 22:44

I can not imagine an innocent scenario where my DH would drive 2 hours in a hire car to meet up with an ex. It's just too odd

PinkiOcelot · 20/12/2021 22:45

I don’t keep how you’re not bursting to mention it.

LadyExpecting93 · 20/12/2021 22:48

Yes odd OP, I wouldn't be happy either. That's a distance to go to.

Justmuddlingalong · 20/12/2021 22:49

Well played. But that's not a long term solution to his lying and secrecy. I think you need to, not confront him exactly, but it certainly needs brought up.

alwayswrighty · 20/12/2021 22:53

Omg I would not have thought of booking a hotel @Grumpbagmum what a brilliant idea! I'd have probably gone batshit and kicked his arse to the curb but I'm majorly intolerant

spotcheck · 20/12/2021 22:57

So, you completely trust him, and feel this is all some sort of..... What?
Are you really just planning on messing with him, like it's some game?

Ileflottante · 20/12/2021 22:57

I know you’ll get railed for looking at his phone, but I like your style. You knew something was up so you looked and had it confirmed. Now you’re playing him to see how he reacts. Yeah, it probably means your relationship is fucked, he’s lying to you and it sounds like he’s betraying you, but you’re playing along to know for sure.

SallyAnn32 · 20/12/2021 22:58

This is how my ex's affair started 😬