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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with my husband over this

64 replies

Grumpbagmum · 20/12/2021 22:10

My husband is going to a concert and I’ve found out he’s going to meet an ex there as they both like the band. They dated when they were teenagers and are mates and I’m fine with that, I don’t like her very much but she’s not my mate and I don’t have to spend time with her so it’s fine.

However my husband hasn’t told me about it, i saw a message from the ex on his phone pop up and had a nose at the conversation (because I’m nosy AF).

I’m pretty sure he hasn’t told me as he knows I’m not a fan of hers and also he thinks the concert will probably get cancelled because of Covid.

In the conversation he’s offered to take her and pick her up, she does not live on the way there, it’ll be about two hours drive out of his way to get to hers before a long drive to the concert. He’d also been saying to me he was going to hire a car rather than taking our big vehicle, claiming it would be cheaper on a long journey, I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to take our (my) vehicle.

Rather than ask him about it I decided to book a hotel for him and have offered to go with him (night away from the kids, it’ll be good for both of us). He agreed to this and still hasn’t told me but has said it will probably be cancelled.

Am I being unreasonable for being annoyed about this? I genuinely don’t mind him going with her, I can’t stand the band and it’ll be nice for him to go with someone. But I’m seriously pissed off that he hasn’t told me about their plans to meet up. I feel like the grown up thing would be to talk to him about it, but I kind of just want to mess with him 😂

OP posts:

SingleDadInIreland · 20/12/2021 22:58

Reality check: he's actively hiding the fact he's spending time with another woman. BIG MASSIVE RED FLAG!!

My wife of 16 years had an affair. I ignored lots of little signs, and I brushed off little secrets I knew she kept. I regret it 100%. Can't believe I was so willfully blind to it.

If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck: It's a duck.

I'd put it to him straight: Why TF are you meeting your ex and hiding it from me? I would ask him if it was the other way around, would he be okay with you actively hiding the fact you are meeting an ex? I would let him know in no uncertain terms it's 100% unnaceptable and needs to cut contact with the woman. Not because she's an Ex, but because he's hiding the relationship.

MilkOfThePuppy · 20/12/2021 22:59

I'd have to either confront or come up with some fake suggestion calculated to force him to come clean. I most definitely would not be okay with my husband going somewhere on his own with an ex, but even if you don't have a problem with it, his continued lying about it is a red flag, imo. That's not the behaviour of an honest man.

Ileflottante · 20/12/2021 22:59

@Bluntness100

Christ he hides his meet ups you lie and don’t tell him you know but book to go with him so he can’t go with her. Pretend you’re fine with him being mates with his ex when secretly you’re seething with envy.

What a great relationship. Awesome.

He started it. OP is playing him to see how he reacts and gather evidence.

Original poster

Grumpbagmum · 20/12/2021 23:13

I’ll be honest, some of these replies have made me laugh. He very rarely goes out or anywhere so I do think it’s lovely he’s going somewhere that he wants to go. I’m just curious about why he’s keeping the going with the ex thing quiet. I was jealous about her at the start of our relationship (12 years ago) but I’m now fine because we’ve been together so long and I see their friendship for what it is. Also, a relationship you have at 15 is rarely going to be a serious one.

The car thing is weird, I think he feels guilty about going out of his way to pick her up in what is essentially my car. A hire car would be way cheaper to run down there, but with the cost of hiring it, it actually won’t be.

People will think I’m mad but I do trust him, he is the sweetest man in the world but this situation is just weird. Maybe he is thinking of starting something with an old flame, I think it’s unlikely though but I’m not naive enough to think it’s not possible.

I really appreciate the replies, I feel better for talking about it as it’s been doing my head in!

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 20/12/2021 23:23

If it was all so innocent, why not tell you?

Ikeajunkie · 20/12/2021 23:25

Car is definitely about not showing how many miles he’s done. That makes it even worse as he’s trying to cover his tracks.

Nanny0gg · 20/12/2021 23:45

So how about you talk to him about it?

SingleDadInIreland · 20/12/2021 23:45

@Grumpbagmum

I really appreciate the replies, I feel better for talking about it as it’s been doing my head in!

I sincerely hope it's innocent, but ask anyone here who was cheated on: it always starts with a shock "um... that's weird" event. Then comes total denial - "oh no... not my partner! That's just ridiculous!".

You are in a serious relationship. There are kids involved. What he's doing isn't acceptable. Hiding the fact he's going to meet someone else is not reasonable. Even if it's innocent, it's still odd and disrespectful, and shouldn't be ignored.

I sincerely hope it's not an affair, and you have an opportunity to nip this in the bud before it becomes one. I'm sorry that you are in this situation, but I'd urge you to confront it, rather than ignore it.

Anordinarymum · 20/12/2021 23:49

He has not told you and you are playing a game. It will never end well.

backtolifebacktoreality · 21/12/2021 03:13

Sorry if I've missed this, but who has he said he is going with?

Justilou1 · 21/12/2021 03:27

Get a babysitter and wait in the room for him. You’re booking it. What a lovely, romantic “surprise” for him. 🤣

Momijin · 21/12/2021 03:35

There is no reason why he should lie to you. And to hire a car is weird. And to drive 2 hours out of his way is mental and shows how much she means to him. I'd understand if she was on the way, or 20 mins out of his way, but 2 hours!!

I don't think this looks good op.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 21/12/2021 03:51

Hmm yeah they may have been 15 but people can be nostalgic about this kind of thing.

It's more that he's hiding this from you. He might be the sweetest man but why not be honest? Do you go off at him for stuff? If doesn't make any sense.

Od130990 · 21/12/2021 04:34

Firstly it isn't something you'd just forget to tell your OH that you're going with an ex, in fact if it wasn't an issue you'd make damn sure you let your oh know beforehand. Secondly the car thing, either he's trying to impress her by renting a more luxurious car or he was scared she'd leave evidence in the car like hair, dropping an earring, etc
So thirdly he clearly had no intentions of letting you know she was going along; mores to the point he is driving 2 hours out of his way to pick her up. How are you not furious op? It's betrayal no matter what way you look at it. Even now when he thinks you could also be going he still hasn't come clean! If he's covering things like this I'd be questioning what else he's failed to mention or what other tracks he's covering.

Shoxfordian · 21/12/2021 06:07

He’s shady and he’s lied to you
What else has he planned that he hasn’t got round to telling you about yet?

spotcheck · 21/12/2021 08:49

Also, a relationship you have at 15 is rarely going to be a serious one

Oooh
OP don't dismiss it because they dated at 15. Sometimes those feelings at that age are intense, and they leave a trace. It's like when you're with that person, you are still the fresh, young 15 year old. That is pretty powerful. Even the sweetest person can get pulled in, especially when life at home is so full of responsibility.
It is wonderful you trust him, but he's only human, and he has made some pretty questionable moves.
Instead of letting him move towards something you may not recover from, many stop playing games and talk to him. This is really serious stuff

SallyAnn32 · 21/12/2021 08:53

@SingleDadInIreland I agree. My ex was the best husband and father and never in a million would he cheat. Yet he did. It didn't just shock me, it shocked friends, family and workplace where we all worked!

JaneyJimplin · 21/12/2021 09:11

I could buy it being an innocent "i won't say I'm going with ex as it's not a big deal and can't be bothered with an argument" scenario. But. Driving 2 hours out of his way, meaning he will be leaving and coming home much later than necessary, and will presumably have to lie to you about why, that adds an extra layer of premeditated deception.

The biggest alarm bell for me is hiring the car. One of the "that's weird" moments that alerted me to my husband's affair was him arranging to play tennis with a friend, but saying he'd hire a racquet instead of finding his own in the loft (such a seemingly trivial thing, but wildly out of character).

Bookworm20 · 21/12/2021 09:19

Also, a relationship you have at 15 is rarely going to be a serious one

One of my best friends has literally just married her first ever boyfriend. They were 15.

Both had stayed in touch on and off over the years, stayed good friends. Both had married and had children and then in their 40's one of them was single again, they met for a few drinks and bam. Now married.

The fact he hasn't told you that she is going, and the fact he is hiring a car and the fact he is going 2 hours out of his way to pick her up. Really?

Don't be blind sided. something in that scsenario isn't right.

What would he say if you asked him if he would like you to go to the concert with him, as you're feeling bad he is going alone. So you're wondering about the possibility of getting a ticket.

Would he come clean then?

hardboiledeggs · 21/12/2021 09:21

I trust my Husband but if he was hiding something like this that trust would be gone. It’s a worry he’s meeting her knowing you are uncomfortable with her and hiding the fact.

Bookworm20 · 21/12/2021 09:23

Also, you say you are ok with their friendship.
So again.
Why not tell you then?

My bet is so that if anything does happen between them, you won't be asking questions about their time together. Then he won't have to openly lie when answering.

I'd actually be back on that phone OP and have a quick look at previous messages between them (assuming they are not deleted)

Aquamarine1029 · 21/12/2021 09:37

Your husband is cheating on you. How can you not see this?

girlmom21 · 21/12/2021 09:41

People will think I’m mad but I do trust him

Well you don't, do you? Because you read his messages and book hotel rooms rather than just talking to him.

MadeForThis · 21/12/2021 09:42

He's lying to you. He's driving 2 hours out of his way just to spend time with her. He's spending extra money on a hire car - he doesn't want evidence of her left in your car.

It's a lot of deception.

Loveisthere · 21/12/2021 10:05

Have you seen the tickets for the concert do they actually exist. If the tickets do exist does not mean he will use them. Does the ex have a partner. I agree with pp the car hire is a big red flag. I hope for your sake it is innocent op

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