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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you have contact/be friendly with in-laws who did these things

57 replies

Frostythesnowperson · 20/12/2021 21:22

Been with Dh since we were late teenagers, we were crazy back then, v intense and lots of rows but also v in love. I saw dh’s family as an extension of mine at the time and often stayed over..until I overheard his Dm bitching about me, I was so hurt I put distance between us and didn’t go over as frequently. We ended up travelling the world and moving abroad, so I didn’t have to see them often and was cordial during short visits with them.
A few years ago mil used to WhatsApp me a lot and we ended up texting a lot, both offering each other support through various things, until I realised lots I said was going back to my sil. I hadn’t said anything bad but just felt anything I’d confided in her about was being discussed. Again, I backed off, have been polite since but short in replies and not really engaged.
Sil is a strong character and came to stay at our house a few years ago, during this time I overheard her laughing to her Dd (my goddaughter) about my denim shorts not fitting properly and being too big and making a joke song up about *Someone being moody (clearly me, yes I was moody as she’s a huge bitch)
Dh’s family are always falling out and having drama amongst themselves, which I don't understand and don’t get involved in anymore. It seems that mil is v attention seeking/poor me and stirs up trouble between Dh and his siblings, sil is often the mouthpiece for her.
We have a toddler dd, that they barely know due to covid restrictions/living abroad etc. Sil now seems v keen to be involved and facetimes dd saying how dd will come over to her house and stay with them etc. Dd finds it a bit overwhelming, which she doesn’t seem to understand.
Mil started to message me lots again.
Aibu to just really not want to engage with these people or have them in my life? Would you?
I want dd to have a relationship with dh’s other side of the family, I just find it so hard not to dislike them and don’t want them around dd in my heart of hearts.

OP posts:
Keepitonthedownlow · 20/12/2021 21:26

Trust your instincts

CrankyMama165 · 20/12/2021 21:34

Literally sounds like my ILS! You can never do wrong from right! Had kind of the same thing with the texting issue also

Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 20/12/2021 21:41

But would you be friendly with a person who comes to stay at your home, is welcomed into your house and slags you off? How can I form a bond with people like that and how can I be happy allowing Dd to form a bond with people who bitch about her mother

OP posts:
ShinyballsAndChocolateTinsel · 20/12/2021 21:42

I'd keep them at arms length, I couldn't be dealing with all of it

Pegasussnail · 20/12/2021 21:45

Don't let them pull you in again. They have shown you who they are.
Agree with following your instincts. 100 percent

Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 20/12/2021 21:51

So just ignore them? Would you find sil FaceTiming Dd and piling on the pressure about her coming to stay at their house too much? Dd told me afterwards she felt nervous (sil is very strong)
Eurgh I so wish I had lovely in laws like other people

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Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 20/12/2021 21:54

Please don't offer up your precious dd to these toxic people.. Relatives or not she doesn't need them in her life. In fact as she gets older and wises up she will wonder why you subjected her to them. Back away and keep dd with you. And tell dh exactly why.

TooWicked · 20/12/2021 21:57

Your DD is a toddler, so stop facilitating the face-timing and the chat about your DD going to stay at their house.

Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 20/12/2021 21:58

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage Obviously she’ll have to meet them at some stage, which I hate the thought of, but how can she not. At least they’ll have rare contact as we live abroad. I want to move back home to the U.K. at some point but honestly the thought of them being near puts me off.
I honestly feel so uncomfortable with my sil and the way she is

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Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 20/12/2021 21:59

@TooWicked Dh did it and was really happy about it, it’s his family after all and I get it, I couldn’t say no.

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Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 20/12/2021 22:01

Almost immediately after the FaceTiming I had messages off mil saying oh sil loved chatting with Dd etc, I just left a brief reply with hearts or something. I feel she’s always fishing for a response or something, why do that 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
User112 · 20/12/2021 22:07

Is it worth sacrificing the peace in your marriage and mind?

billy1966 · 20/12/2021 22:09

OP,

They sound awful.

Listen to your gut and keep your distance.

Why are you not listening to your child?

She felt overwhelmed by your SIL.

Protect your child from these people, unless you want drama.

"Medium chill" them.

Polite but distant.

Tell them nothing, and do not entertain your SIL.

Your child is not a toy.

DSGR · 20/12/2021 22:15

I’m not really seeing what they’ve said that is toxic personally. They sound over-dramatic but laughing about some too big shorts and worrying/discussing your late teen/early 20s something son’s girlfriend (especially if you argued a lot) doesn’t seem the sort of stuff where you’d withhold your child from seeing them?

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 20/12/2021 22:16

Why obviously? My dc don't see any of their dgps .. We don't our dps either.
Win win.

Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 20/12/2021 22:17

@billy1966 My Dd is very outgoing and confident and chatted away to her, which was great of her (Dd) considering she doesn’t know her. I heard sil saying how soon she could go on a plane and go and stay at her house etc, that’s when I heard Dd say first of all ‘Ok but I’m a bit nervous’ sil started saying nervous about what? You can come on a plane and stay at our house etc.
After that Dd started playing up and being really shouty and silly so Dh had to talk to sil alone. I know my Dd and that was her feeling overwhelmed,
Was it inappropriate to say that to her when she doesn’t know her?
Dd later said it to me and I made light of it and said maybe one day we’d all go for a visit for a little bit and it would be nice and that I’d be there with her, just to make her feel comfortable etc.
She was also going on and on to her about how much she looks like her daddy etc.
I honestly worry they’d push me out in a sense if they were closer to Dd, it’s difficult to explain. For so many years I was upset with the way they were and took it personally, then I got older and realised the way they are is them, not me, that I’m
a good person with great family, friends etc, whereas they’re bitter and toxic amongst themselves.

OP posts:
Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 20/12/2021 22:24

I think you have to try and imagine having a teenager, who has a girlfriend/ boyfriend that they are 'crazy' with. Lots of rows and lots of staying over? I think as a parent that that would be really, really difficult. I would be desperately worried about my teen and may well say negative things.
Then imagine that your teen stays with that person and moves abroad and you never see them.

I think you are stuck in your teen mindset and no matter what they did it would be wrong.

Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 20/12/2021 22:24

@DSGR Sil and her family came to stay at my house, where I hosted, cleaned and provided accommodation for them. They never tidied up, cooked a meal, said a thank you, took us out for a meal etc, in fact we paid for almost everything. I’ve always been polite, tried to be welcoming. It was very upsetting to be walking along and hear sil
and her daughter bitching about me and laughing about what I was wearing, same with the made up song. Just really bad vibes and not what I want in my life, I don’t have people like that in my life and find it really rude and out of order that they’d do that as a guest.
His parents weren’t discussing us, mine didn’t that as went through a time they were worried about us, they didn’t blame Dh, they saw it was both of us together, they get along great with Dh and have always welcomed him.
His mum was saying how awful I looked and how thin (I was size 8 at the time, if only now!) and how I always came around and stirred up trouble which she later admitted she then realised Dh was the issue as was very jealous, it wasn’t me at all. That was obviously us as young, stupid teens but there have been so many incidents since

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Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 20/12/2021 22:26

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow So I’m the one in the wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️We were kids, it was so long ago

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Wimblingwombling · 20/12/2021 22:28

I don’t think it’s fair to stop your daughter having a relationship with them in this scenario. However, they sound a nightmare for you so I’d stick to civil minimal contact

Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 20/12/2021 22:28

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow My parents were worried at the time but didn’t personally bitch about Dh, they came to see it was young love and that the initial troubling phase faded after a year or so. They get on brilliantly with him and wouldn’t dream of treating him the way they treat me.

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Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 20/12/2021 22:29

Sorry can I just clarify I won’t stop my Dd seeing them, I wouldn’t do that to Dh and how could I? I’m just really not comfortable with their involvement in DD’s life and wouldn’t want them influencing her in any way, if that makes sense

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Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 20/12/2021 22:32

I just think you need to put the past behind you.
Making it difficult for your dh to have a relationship with his family because you hold a grudge from your teens is unfair.

Cherrysoup · 20/12/2021 22:33

How old is your dd?

Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 20/12/2021 22:35

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow But I’m not making it hard for Dh to have a relationship with them, he has a relationship with them? It isn’t just from my teens, sil came to stay at ours a few years ago. There’s always shit behind the scenes even from messages and from far away. They all bitch about each other and fall out too

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