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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you have contact/be friendly with in-laws who did these things

57 replies

Frostythesnowperson · 20/12/2021 21:22

Been with Dh since we were late teenagers, we were crazy back then, v intense and lots of rows but also v in love. I saw dh’s family as an extension of mine at the time and often stayed over..until I overheard his Dm bitching about me, I was so hurt I put distance between us and didn’t go over as frequently. We ended up travelling the world and moving abroad, so I didn’t have to see them often and was cordial during short visits with them.
A few years ago mil used to WhatsApp me a lot and we ended up texting a lot, both offering each other support through various things, until I realised lots I said was going back to my sil. I hadn’t said anything bad but just felt anything I’d confided in her about was being discussed. Again, I backed off, have been polite since but short in replies and not really engaged.
Sil is a strong character and came to stay at our house a few years ago, during this time I overheard her laughing to her Dd (my goddaughter) about my denim shorts not fitting properly and being too big and making a joke song up about *Someone being moody (clearly me, yes I was moody as she’s a huge bitch)
Dh’s family are always falling out and having drama amongst themselves, which I don't understand and don’t get involved in anymore. It seems that mil is v attention seeking/poor me and stirs up trouble between Dh and his siblings, sil is often the mouthpiece for her.
We have a toddler dd, that they barely know due to covid restrictions/living abroad etc. Sil now seems v keen to be involved and facetimes dd saying how dd will come over to her house and stay with them etc. Dd finds it a bit overwhelming, which she doesn’t seem to understand.
Mil started to message me lots again.
Aibu to just really not want to engage with these people or have them in my life? Would you?
I want dd to have a relationship with dh’s other side of the family, I just find it so hard not to dislike them and don’t want them around dd in my heart of hearts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 20/12/2021 22:35

@Cherrysoup 3

OP posts:
Shedmistress · 20/12/2021 22:41

Your 3 year old daughter shouldn't be worrying about getting on a plane, you need to monitor these calls and pipe up 'No she won't'...she's 3' when your SIL starts.

Cherrysoup · 20/12/2021 22:42

[quote Frostythesnowperson]@Cherrysoup 3[/quote]
At that age, I would not encourage contact and distract her. It’s easily done with a child that age. Why do you want her having contact?

Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 20/12/2021 22:47

@Shedmistress I thought it was too much to say to a 3 year old she didn’t know. Dd hasn’t been on a plane yet due to covid etc

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Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 20/12/2021 22:49

@Cherrysoup Sil rang Dh and he put Dd on, of course he wants her to know his family, I totally get that and I know she needs to, I just wish they were nicer people who I felt comfortable with

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Shedmistress · 20/12/2021 22:52

[quote Frostythesnowperson]@Shedmistress I thought it was too much to say to a 3 year old she didn’t know. Dd hasn’t been on a plane yet due to covid etc[/quote]
It is. You need to be there and shut it down if she starts again. This is your daughter and you need to step in.

Cherrysoup · 20/12/2021 22:52

Have you spoken to your dh about what horrible people they are?

Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 20/12/2021 22:53

We also have an issue with us not having been over to the U.K. to bring Dd since she was born, although none of them have come to stay with us when they could. My family have been over lots and stayed with us. With covid etc and a young child it’s been much harder than previously, plus lots of money for tests etc and Dh rarely gets time off work at the moment. They resent that and mil has caused trouble with that aswell, so I’m guessing that’s where sil insistent thing about her coming over on a plane to her house comes in. There was no talk of her coming over to see Dd. I didn’t like it

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Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 20/12/2021 22:56

@Shedmistress I know how it would look, she’d make out she was just innocently excited about Dd coming over etc and hadn’t said anything wrong and I’d look like the trouble causer.
Dd was ok, I just didn’t like it if that makes sense? She knows my parents really well as they come over as often as they can, but they’re still very careful with her when they first see her as she’s still young and they can forget with the distance.

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Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 20/12/2021 22:59

@Cherrysoup I’m not going there, if we lived near them and there was crap, I would. For now they’re far away, but amazing how they still have some impact. He’s seen bits himself over the last few years but tends to side with his mil who slags off sil a lot. Sil is very strong etc, but is largely reacting/controlled by mil, who is the trouble maker in my opinion. Dhs brother for example doesn’t speak to his sister..this is all from mil complaining to him about sil. It’s messed up! I don’t want part of it

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Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 20/12/2021 23:00

Not his mil, his mum, my mil

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LookslovelyinSpringtime · 20/12/2021 23:01

I would distance yourself and keep contact to a minimum myself. I wouldn’t trust them.

Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 20/12/2021 23:08

@LookslovelyinSpringtime I know, I’ll continue doing that, of course I’ll probably be to blame for not being friendly etc!

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Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 20/12/2021 23:09

@LookslovelyinSpringtime Wouldn’t trust them to do what though? In what way?

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Squeezita · 20/12/2021 23:25

When you heard SIL and niece making fun of you in your own home, why didn’t you go and ask them what on earth are they playing at, making use of your hospitality and then badmouthing you behind your back?

And why are you still saying the in laws don’t visit as if that’s a bad thing?

These people sound like scum, keep them at a distance and call them up on their nasty crap every single time and tell DH every nasty thung they say.

Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 20/12/2021 23:32

@Squeezita It was whilst we were out and they were walking behind me at a cafe. I don’t know really why I didn’t say anything, I was pretty shocked and am a sensitive person, or at least was more so until Dd came along, I wouldn’t put up with it now. I also worry about the trouble it would cause between Dh and them, but realise it’s them causing it not me.
I don’t want them to visit but the onus is always put on us to travel over there to see them, no effort from them to pay and come to us. The blame and the guilt & pressure is loaded onto us always, hence sil plane talk I believe.

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Trisolaris · 20/12/2021 23:38

I wouldn’t stop DD from having contact with them but I would establish clear boundaries.

If they talk about her visiting by herself. ‘No, we don’t want her travelling without us’.

Who cares if they complain about you? Your DD is more important and you don’t have to justify parenting decisions to them. They clearly don’t care about offending you. Your DH and you need to be on the same page about what is and isn’t acceptable and if he has to deal with his family complaining about it then tough!

LookslovelyinSpringtime · 20/12/2021 23:39

[quote Frostythesnowperson]@LookslovelyinSpringtime Wouldn’t trust them to do what though? In what way?[/quote]
I wouldn’t confide in them or trust them. Just be pleasant but don’t give anything away and don’t do anything you don’t want to. Next time they pressure you to visit them, say lightly ‘well it’s your turn to visit us next time’! Then change the subject.

Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 20/12/2021 23:44

@LookslovelyinSpringtime Yes, will definitely continue with the short but polite responses, it makes me anxious when I receive a message as it’s generally got something behind it, it’s very obvious

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Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 21/12/2021 04:35

Just don’t deal with them personally, it’s simply. They are your husband’s family, not yours. He can deal with messages etc. You sound extremely emotionally invested in this whole thing which I understand but you need to just drop it and back off.

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 21/12/2021 06:29

In my tiny world OP I have to keep telling myself I married him not them! I owe them nothing like DH doesnt owe my lot anything, Neither me or him feel guilty about this,

JohannSebastianBach · 21/12/2021 07:21

Just stop giving this so much headspace.
Who cares what they say? They live far away from you so you really don't have to bother with them much apart from surface politeness.
My in laws are painful and we also live in a different country to them. When DH Skypes with them I wave, say hi and then leave them to it.
I don't text any of them, cos I'm not interested and they aren't ever going to be nice.
DH takes the kids to see them and I only turn up if it's important- funeral, major milestone birthday etc.
I'm sure they have stuff to say about me but I don't hear it.
My DH wouldn't let them slag me off in front of our kids.
Be glad you live far away and if they don't visit yay!

Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 21/12/2021 10:18

@JohannSebastianBach Mil tries to text me a fair amount, I’m always suspicious/paranoid of the reasons as she’s generally causing trouble!

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JohannSebastianBach · 21/12/2021 11:14

I just wouldn't reply immediately. I'd leave it a few days every time. It'll get boring if she doesn't get a response.

billy1966 · 21/12/2021 12:18

@JohannSebastianBach

I just wouldn't reply immediately. I'd leave it a few days every time. It'll get boring if she doesn't get a response.
Thats really good advice, leave it several days and add the "👍" any time you can.