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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cleaning dilemma!

92 replies

Doglover2440 · 20/12/2021 17:24

So, I’m 24 and live with my mum. However, she literally NEVER cleans and it’s starting to make me quite anxious because she won’t let me clean either!!! She cleans the bath and bathroom sink once every couple of months. The toilet is never cleaned. She gives the kitchen sides a wipe using an antibacterial wipe every other week. The floors are mopped once a month using a Flash Speed Cleaner with a Flash wipe despite us having an unclean dog. The kitchen bin has never been cleaned before. The hob is never cleaned and is completely stained. The dog’s food bowls she cleans once a month and he eats raw meat!

I try and clean regularly, bleaching the loo, cleaning the bathroom and mopping the floors.... cleaning the hob, HOWEVER she completely flips her lid (swearing etc.!) if I use any water and says I make too much mess. I don’t. Tonight, I attempted to bleach the loo and she caught me and went mental. Has anyone else been through similar?? I’m really at a loss here

OP posts:
Curiousmouse · 20/12/2021 17:26

I suggest moving out is best.

ChangeChingyChange · 20/12/2021 17:26

God. Move out. She's vile. Definitely a mental health issue.

Original poster
Doglover2440 · 20/12/2021 17:28

It’s horrible. I’m a Uni student currently and can’t afford to move out, but definitely want to. I would have thought she’d be grateful that I clean for her. She’s even hidden the bleach

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 20/12/2021 17:28

I think its time you moved out. Agree its a mental heslth issue if she wont let you clean.

Original poster
Doglover2440 · 20/12/2021 17:29

She’s currently Covid-positive and I’ve been attempting to clean and not catch Covid myself. She doesn’t understand my anxiety

OP posts:
comeundone · 20/12/2021 17:30

Move out. It is unlikely to improve, but you don't have to live with it. Possibly discuss with her how it make you feel if you can. I had a relative who was like this, I did try to encourage change but ultimately they decreased their lifespan as a result of living in filth.

Original poster
Doglover2440 · 20/12/2021 17:31

I can’t even use hot water and washing up liquid to wipe down the kitchen sides because she thinks it will ruin the sides?

OP posts:
SoItWas · 20/12/2021 17:32

You either need to do it yourself, or move out.

I got tired of it (there was some mild hoarding going on too), so moved out.

SoItWas · 20/12/2021 17:35

I found I got on much better with my messy relative, once I didn't live with them. They're happy not being nagged, and I'm happy being able just bin stuff (old newspapers etc).

comeundone · 20/12/2021 17:36

@Doglover2440

I can’t even use hot water and washing up liquid to wipe down the kitchen sides because she thinks it will ruin the sides?
I mean, if the sides are very poorly sealed this is just plausible, but could you compromise on a very well wringed out sponge and a clean once a day when the washing up is being done? Admittedly my relative just didn't do it rather than hiding the bleach, is say that you're very worried about them and the potential that they'll get bad food poisoning if this carries on
Jennifer2090 · 20/12/2021 17:38

This is a hard one I know because you don't want to live like that but even if you do move out you might still worry that she lives like that.

My Mum died 2 weeks before I had my first baby and my husband and I rented so we moved in with my Dad who is elderly to support him. He's not at all bothered by cleaning and also has a dog who's a bit smelly but who he adores. The house was and is filthy at times.

After endless arguments (I'd never been so angry/ frustrated by my Dad before) my husband and I ended up buying a house and moving out. I have suggested a cleaner but he's not interested, I'd do it myself and get no thanks and it often caused huge rows. Every now and then I go round and clean- sometimes appreciated but mostly seen as me being a disapproving daughter.

I can't offer solutions but please know you're not alone in this struggle. X x x

A580Hojas · 20/12/2021 17:41

Can you not rent a room in a house share? What do you live on currently? loan? wages from part time job? 95% of the Uni students I know live away from home and are younger than you.

Original poster
Doglover2440 · 20/12/2021 17:41

@Jennifer2090

This is a hard one I know because you don't want to live like that but even if you do move out you might still worry that she lives like that.

My Mum died 2 weeks before I had my first baby and my husband and I rented so we moved in with my Dad who is elderly to support him. He's not at all bothered by cleaning and also has a dog who's a bit smelly but who he adores. The house was and is filthy at times.

After endless arguments (I'd never been so angry/ frustrated by my Dad before) my husband and I ended up buying a house and moving out. I have suggested a cleaner but he's not interested, I'd do it myself and get no thanks and it often caused huge rows. Every now and then I go round and clean- sometimes appreciated but mostly seen as me being a disapproving daughter.

I can't offer solutions but please know you're not alone in this struggle. X x x

Thank you, it is really hard isn’t it. She is usually really nice and supportive of me. It’s literally just this cleaning issue!!
OP posts:
Original poster
Doglover2440 · 20/12/2021 17:42

The same baking tray is also used all week....

OP posts:
Original poster
Doglover2440 · 20/12/2021 17:43

With no wash....

OP posts:
Thwackit · 20/12/2021 18:17

I feel very sorry for you, OP. I’m surprised that she isn’t frequently ill.

JSL52 · 20/12/2021 18:22

I know it's hard if you're a student but you really need to move out. Can you get a part time job enough to rent a room in a house share ? This isn't healthy.

Sceptre86 · 20/12/2021 18:23

Is she well? Mentally I mean, because she doesn't sound it. I'm not sure what you can do as you live in her house. I'd encourage her to speak to her Gp and if you can do find out what her issues are with regards to cleaning. Is it a cost issue or environmental? Tbh I would be working hard with a view to get a part time job to improve your cv. Then when you do get a full time job I'd be moving out ASAP.

Chely · 20/12/2021 18:25

Scruffy so and so

Move out ASAP and leave her in her own muck

Elieza · 20/12/2021 18:26

She does sound like she has difficulty understanding basic health and hygiene. Does she have a social worker you could contact?

No way I’d love like that. It’s too dangerous to your health. Can you speak to student services or anything they have nowadays in uni to see if there anything you can do?

ChangeChingyChange · 20/12/2021 18:27

I'd just do it. If she takes the Bleach, take it back. Just keep doing it. She must go out at times?? If so crack on do a massive quick clean everywhere. It sounds hideous. Has she explained why she doesn't want to have things clean?? I'd love to hear her answer. You can also compromise - I don't 'wash' my kitchen sides with a wet cloth etc I spray liberally with dettol spray and wipe over with a hot damp antibacterial cloth. I clean my kitchen sides at least twice a day (after meals etc) and have cheap laminate worktops and there's no issues with it. My kitchen is 8 years old too.

prettyprinceofpartiez · 20/12/2021 18:49

Was she like this when you were growing up? As that would without doubt be classed as child neglect. If it's new, definitely a mental health situation and you'd be best doing some research into support you could get locally. It sounds awful for you, this would be my worst nightmare 😢

Original poster
Doglover2440 · 20/12/2021 20:18

I also forgot to mention that she is a children’s nurse. I usually crack open the cleaning products when she is working. Don’t get me wrong, I have visited worse houses, but there is literally no cleaning that goes on unless I do it myself which she now won’t allow me to do. She can be very scary with it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Doglover2440 · 20/12/2021 20:21

She hasn’t been diagnosed with anything, but I have just spoke to her after today’s episode and said that I am worried because how she is acting isn’t normal and then she just put the blame on me

OP posts:
ChangeChingyChange · 20/12/2021 20:23

@Doglover2440

I also forgot to mention that she is a children’s nurse. I usually crack open the cleaning products when she is working. Don’t get me wrong, I have visited worse houses, but there is literally no cleaning that goes on unless I do it myself which she now won’t allow me to do. She can be very scary with it!
Omg she is a NURSE?! around children?? Jesus fucking christ - my own mum or not I'd report the dirty mare (sorry no offence intended!!) She has got serious issues and it's a major hygiene risk to her patients.