Cleaning dilemma!

[Doglover2440]

So, I’m 24 and live with my mum. However, she literally NEVER cleans and it’s starting to make me quite anxious because she won’t let me clean either!!! She cleans the bath and bathroom sink once every couple of months. The toilet is never cleaned. She gives the kitchen sides a wipe using an antibacterial wipe every other week. The floors are mopped once a month using a Flash Speed Cleaner with a Flash wipe despite us having an unclean dog. The kitchen bin has never been cleaned before. The hob is never cleaned and is completely stained. The dog’s food bowls she cleans once a month and he eats raw meat!

I try and clean regularly, bleaching the loo, cleaning the bathroom and mopping the floors.... cleaning the hob, HOWEVER she completely flips her lid (swearing etc.!) if I use any water and says I make too much mess. I don’t. Tonight, I attempted to bleach the loo and she caught me and went mental. Has anyone else been through similar?? I’m really at a loss here

@Twinkleylight

Early onset dementia?

She is only 46

She definitely sounds like she’s having a mental health crisis. Do you feel safe, OP? Can you go somewhere else until she’s gone away for Christmas?

@Doglover2440

She’s just gone absolutely mental and trashed my room. This definitely isn’t normal

I'm sorry you're going through this. You need to leave.

This is hard. I’m so sorry. I’ve had a hint of this in my life. Had to get out when I was your exact age. Got physically attacked. Wasn’t allowed to live any semblance of a normal life. Not allowed to cook because it made a mess. Not allowed to clean because it made things to wet/sticky/strong smell/blablabla. Heard all this before sadly. It got worse after I left, then it got better. I think it’s a control thing, a depression thing, a difficult childhood thing. Mine is a nurse too.

Please take the leap to get out. It’s scary but exhilarating and you will never look back.

Sounds very worrying. Is it possible to get some help through your university to move out.

@Doglover2440 how are you doing today OP?

If your mum isn't usually like this, is it possible its the covid?
Earlier in the pandemic, there were reports of some people becoming delirious and or aggressive during the time they were ill.

To be honest, in your position, I'd be thinking about calling the police, telling them you feel unsafe and asking what to do.
Shes trashed your room, sounds like she keeps coming back to have a go at you and you're probably feeling threatened because the only way it'll escalate is physical violence aimed at you, and you don't know if that will happen.

Contact your uni- see if there's anything at all they can do.
Speak with your local council, if she wants you out, see how they can help you. Tell them what's going on, take photos of the absolute shit state she expects you to live in and not clean.

Can you stay with friends in the meantime?

She is much calmer today (thanks so much for asking Twinkley!). However, I’m still on edge because of how hot and cold she is. I did try and discuss yesterday’s antics with her and how it makes me feel when she behaves like this, but she isn’t having any of it. I do worry that it will become more physical if I don’t do something pronto.
I have to admit, I am feeling a bit disappointed. Last night, I contacted one of my very few local friends to see if I could stay over his and maybe watch a film together in light of everything that is going on. He said no because he has to be at his desk for 8:30am. However, he works from home and I said I would catch the train to him and wouldn’t be a disturbance and would leave early the next day. He knows most of what has been going on and I have sent him screenshots and I was really there for him when his housemate was violent, buying him dinner and inviting him to walk the dog so he didn’t have to be around him when he got home from work (this was pre-the recent gov announcement that he should now work from home). After expressing my displease, he said that he wants to know the exact story, times etc., and that he’s not sure he believes me because I didn’t make much sense on the phone?!? And that I was being ‘pushy’ about wanting to come over his. Obviously everyone is different, but I consider myself a good friend and after the recent situ with his housemate I’m feeling a bit let down by him xx

I don’t know if I’m just being unreasonable here

I have been trying to study today, but lacking in concentration. Might take the dog out shopping and to see the Christmas lights this evening, maybe get a mulled wine. Said friend will not be getting an invite this time

Sorry to hear about your fair weather 'friend', I'd block him or go extremely low contact. He's OK to be your friend when he wants something but not the other way round. He's shown his true colours now so downgrade him to passing acquaintance and do him no more favours.

Get in touch with MIND , the mental health support charity. There might be a branch near your home and university campus and they also have a phone line. Give them a call as they'll be more supportive than your useless 'friend'.

No you're not being unreasonable and it's time to reset your boundaries because some people in your life don't have any. It's time to build strong walls around you to protect your mental health. Think of it as an extremely rare vase which needs lots of protection and bubble wrap.

New year = therapy, new place to live either in a shared house or bedsit, new support networks and minimal contact with your mum & friend. Think of them as leaches who are sucking the life energy out of you so you need to get rid of them.

Has she always been like this?

That is such a tricky situation - good luck

She sounds mentally unwell. It must be awful for you as well as the filth. Yes to keeping cleaning stuff in your room. Clean when she's at work & dry off wet surfaces after cleaning with kitchen roll or microfibre cloth so she's not going to twig because it's wet/sticky. I use bleach & damp cloth then dry the surface straight away to avoid streaks etc. Then open windows to air it & lose the bleach smell quickly. Flash lemon etc is highly scented so she's more likely to smell it & it lingers . If you wash a mat put the clean one back not a new one so shes less likely to notice its clean/different. Then find a houseshare.

That’s not a home, that hell. Try and see can you make money and move out. Then don’t ever look back.

My parents literally never cleaned the house. When I was old enough I started trying to clean and tidy up myself, I was always told off for tidying but never cleaning. There is only one solution if you don’t want to live like that, which is not to. You are 24, you don’t have to put up with it.