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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cleaning dilemma!

92 replies

Doglover2440 · 20/12/2021 17:24

So, I’m 24 and live with my mum. However, she literally NEVER cleans and it’s starting to make me quite anxious because she won’t let me clean either!!! She cleans the bath and bathroom sink once every couple of months. The toilet is never cleaned. She gives the kitchen sides a wipe using an antibacterial wipe every other week. The floors are mopped once a month using a Flash Speed Cleaner with a Flash wipe despite us having an unclean dog. The kitchen bin has never been cleaned before. The hob is never cleaned and is completely stained. The dog’s food bowls she cleans once a month and he eats raw meat!

I try and clean regularly, bleaching the loo, cleaning the bathroom and mopping the floors.... cleaning the hob, HOWEVER she completely flips her lid (swearing etc.!) if I use any water and says I make too much mess. I don’t. Tonight, I attempted to bleach the loo and she caught me and went mental. Has anyone else been through similar?? I’m really at a loss here

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Original poster
Doglover2440 · 21/12/2021 12:14

@Twinkleylight

I'd clean the bathroom after taking a shower so at least it gets a wipe down after each use. Re cleaning the loo, buy baby sterilising tablets and put a few down the loo last thing at night. Ditto the sink, fill the sink with cold water and put a tablet in whilst your having a shower.

When she goes out to work do little clean ups in whichever room you're in. Buy your own cleaning products and hids them in a suitcase in your room. Keep windows open a tiny bit and put baking powder in small bowls or mince pie cases and put them high places. They absorb bad smells and don't announce that you're going to clean, just do it by stealth.

Some very good ideas, thank you xx
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Original poster
Doglover2440 · 21/12/2021 12:18

@DropYourSword

She is doing nothing illegal and how clean or dirty her house is in no way impacts how she performs her role as a nurse!!

I think it’s grim. But it’s also bloody ridiculous to think there’s anything reportable here!!

I mean, she doesn’t wash her hands either, not even after a #2 usually....

I’m not surprised she is ill with Covid

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Original poster
Doglover2440 · 21/12/2021 12:33

Back from the shop now and have been using antibacterial floor wipes on the kitchen floor (rather than the mop etc.) as a compromise. However, she had a go at me for using the number of wipes that I did (it has been 4 weeks and the floor was disgusting and very muddy from the dog) and apparently the floor is now ‘sticky and horrible’ and she can’t wait for me to move out. Apparently no other daughter would behave like this.

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Original poster
Doglover2440 · 21/12/2021 12:35

She also said she can’t wait to visit her brother and his wife for Christmas and get away from me for a few days 😂

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SpellBounds · 21/12/2021 12:36

She doesn't wash her hands after a shit. Meaning she probably doesn't at work either. Or wash them between patients etc. Of course this is reportable, there are some seriously vulnerable children counting on you here.
God I bet the wipes barely even touched it Envy poor you.

SpellBounds · 21/12/2021 12:37

@Doglover2440

She also said she can’t wait to visit her brother and his wife for Christmas and get away from me for a few days 😂
Perfect time for you to hire a cleaner or go mad cleaning yourself getting the place up together!
Original poster
Doglover2440 · 21/12/2021 12:37

I do think this stems back to her childhood. Her parents had 6 children in a 3-bedroom house which was apparently filthy and there were some concerns about neglect. Two of her brothers are still in and out of prison and none of her siblings see their parents

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Twinkleylight · 21/12/2021 12:42

When she leaves for Christmas I would bleach the living daylights out of the place. Bleach every surface, doors/windows open, chuck out dogs bedding and get new, boil wash all soft furnishings in the living room as they trap bacteria. Basically, give the place a deep clean the second she leaves so it won't smell newly washed when she returns iyswim.

Squills · 21/12/2021 12:44

It's a horrible situation but you're 24 years old. You need to move out.

Original poster
Doglover2440 · 21/12/2021 15:08

She’s just gone absolutely mental and trashed my room. This definitely isn’t normal

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FilledSoda · 21/12/2021 15:23

She's a disgrace , I'm so sorry OP.
You really will have to leave , you clearly aren't welcome to stay and I assume it is her house .
Is there really nothing the uni welfare could do to help ?
You're essentially homeless .
How have you stayed there so long ?
Was there a time in your adult life when you lived independently?

lovemelongtime · 21/12/2021 15:26

It really does sound likes she needs medical support - hard as it is you do need to keep trying to talk to her about the impact this is having and the dangers.

Suzanne999 · 21/12/2021 15:46

I think it’s a mental health issue as this is abnormal behaviour. As a children’s nurse she will have had training in hygiene, infection control and so on.
Will she take any notice if you appeal on behalf of the dog? Dog bowls really have to be washed once a day, and I’d say after every feed with raw food. If you stated the illnesses the dog could get would that have any effect?
Other thing I can think of is have a bag of your own cleaning stuff. A pack of microfibre cloths and a bottle of spray cleaner ( look at Pink Stuff) and a bottle of bleach for toilet and sink would be the minimum you’d need and just clean a bit a day.
If you moved out you’d have to do your own cleaning anyway and if your mum doesn’t noticed dirt ( some people don’t) then maybe she won’t notice the improvement and give you grief.

comeundone · 21/12/2021 15:54

I'd try and contact your student support team op, they may be able to help you access emergency accommodation and will have dealt with emancipated students before. Tell her that this is the plan.
The endpoint of this is her losing access to you if there's no change, her behaviour is not reasonable (I don't think it is reportable at work, but if she had a friend that you could tell I'd tell them). If she's experience of childhood neglect this will not be news to her but you have to set some boundaries.

Twinkleylight · 21/12/2021 16:37

Can you have her sectioned? Call 999 and say she's a danger to herself and you and her behaviour is out of control, erratic and dangerous.

comeundone · 21/12/2021 17:02

You can't get someone sectioned for having a filthy house twinkley. MH services don't have enough time to deal with genuine emergencies where life is at stake. I've tried to get social services involved in similar and they couldn't have been less interested as the affected parties were adults. It didn't end well.

GingerbreadandJellytots · 21/12/2021 17:05

She's not just made a mess though has she? She's trashed her daughters bedroom and refused to do anything to reduce the risk of giving her covid. Which seems like bloody weird behaviour for a children's nurse towards their child unless they are having a breakdown of some kind

EvilPea · 21/12/2021 17:22

Honestly I’ve been there. Give up cleaning. It will anger her more which will then cause you more grief. You cannot control the environment or change her. All you can do is look after you and yours.

SpellBounds · 21/12/2021 17:48

God I would probably just call 111 and say she's having some kind of psychotic break and can they advise what to do. She sounds like she has lost the plot completely. Does she make herself presentable and work worthy?

Original poster
Doglover2440 · 21/12/2021 18:06

She has calmed down again now, but still is refusing to talk about her recent episodes. Definitely think there is something wrong with her. She has always had quite a bad temper and has thrown a glass vase at me before, but she is behaving very strangely right now. I feel emotionally and physically drained and keep crying on and off, so obviously she is now trying to put the blame on me and say I need to see my GP about my antidepressants which apparently aren’t working 🤣🤦🏼‍♀️

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Original poster
Doglover2440 · 21/12/2021 18:10

I’m just going to keep a stash of cleaning products hidden in my room and hope she will at some point unlock the cupboard with my mop etc. The trashing my room was because I replaced the bathroom mat with a clean, fresh one after wiping the floor today. I just didn’t want to put a dirty mat back on a clean floor

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Original poster
Doglover2440 · 21/12/2021 18:14

@FilledSoda

She's a disgrace , I'm so sorry OP. You really will have to leave , you clearly aren't welcome to stay and I assume it is her house . Is there really nothing the uni welfare could do to help ? You're essentially homeless . How have you stayed there so long ? Was there a time in your adult life when you lived independently?
Yep, I used to live in a house share and my housemates were nowhere near as unclean as my mum is. X
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Twinkleylight · 21/12/2021 18:46

Call 111 and tell them she's having a psychotic break and it's one of many episodes. I think you're in a dangerous situation because she might physically attack you next.

You need advice quickly because it's a bit like dealing with a violent abusive partner. They start small and then escalate & she has by trashing your room. That's her warning shot and you'll be next.

Take photos if the damage she does and discreet videos if you can of her behaviour to show to your GP. The reason why you're on anti depressents is because of her. She is the cause of your depression and that's the angle you need to take with the GP to get help.

Original poster
Doglover2440 · 21/12/2021 19:22

She just offered to walk the dog despite being Covid-positive still. I said no it’s fine I’ll do it, but she insisted. Since getting home she has called me lazy, mentally insane and said I forced her to walk him?!

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Twinkleylight · 21/12/2021 19:31

Early onset dementia?