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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Play dates

69 replies

chinabumps85 · 19/12/2021 10:38

Inspired by comments in a current thread and sometimes threads posted by parents. I wonder, do people really leave their child at someone's house for play dates?

This may seem like a silly question but I never knew this was a thing until I joined MN. I have quite a big family, around 9 aunties and uncles and 6 of them have multiple kids. So I only ever spent time with my cousins and never went on play dates, this is the same for my little sister who's 9 years younger than me. I never celebrated birthdays so never went to a friend's house from school for a birthday party (however I can understand dropping your child off at a party and leaving them for some hours).

As I got older I always assumed play dates would mean two parents over at someone's house so the kids have time to play with each other and so on. Since being on MN it seems as if some people will drop their child off and the kids will be supervised by the parent/parents of who's house it is and they may take the kids out etc. I now have a DD who is 7 months and pregnant with our second so I just wondered what other people did?

OP posts:
refusetobeasheep · 19/12/2021 10:41

Yes this happens all the time. But it didn't when I was a kid (just played with my parents' friends kids instead) so I do think there's been a change.

Blahdyblahbla · 19/12/2021 10:44

It's absolutely normal to drop and go for playmates once the children are old enough.
When I was young we just played on the street or in the park, so times have definitely changed.

Billyliarohdear · 19/12/2021 10:49

My dc are now pre-teen but when we were doing playdates I never stopped at someone's house with my child and if we invited a school friend over to ours to play the child's parent never stopped with them.
I'd have thought it very strange indeed.
The children know each other and enjoy playing together. You do not have to entertain the parent.
When my dc were toddlers we never invited another toddler over or were invited to anyone's house. We tended to meet in parks or do outside activities together. But when they are very young it tends to be the adult relationship with other parents that pushes the playdates so you are more likely to then stay and have a coffee or whatever while your dc play. Not once they reach 4/5 though.
Iyswim

mindutopia · 19/12/2021 10:53

Yes, really normal, but not until they are school age. Yours are obviously still very little. Up until school age/even end of reception, it's normal to go over to someone's house with your dc to supervise and have a cup of coffee while they play. From about 5 though, totally normal just to drop them off. Saves having to make idle small talk with parents you don't really have much in common with.

That said, when I was a child (in the 80s), there wasn't even really the concept of a 'play date' so I think it's a relatively recent concept. My parents/grandparents literally just chucked me out the door and we all just wandered around and ended up at random friends' houses. Or we'd go off riding our bikes for a few hours or exploring in the wood near our houses. Would come back in time for dinner. This was from about age 5 or 6. Personally, I'd never do that now as a parent, but maybe because we don't live in an estate and it's not the norm here at all (no other children within walking distance anyway).

Original poster
chinabumps85 · 19/12/2021 10:55

That's really interesting. I personally couldn't see myself leaving my children at someone's house when I hardly know the person. Of course the kids will know each other from school or wherever but I'd find it weird just dropping them to someone's house and leaving. Really interesting to know this is what people tend to do these days though

OP posts:
Flatandhappy · 19/12/2021 11:14

I would never leave my kids at homes where I didn’t know the parents fairly well (mine are now adults). My eldest was an only child for quite a while so I made friends with mums from school and then moved from going to someone’s house/having mum and kid at mine to picking up a couple of kids from school, kids playing, then other kid’s mum would pick up and usually stay for a coffee or wine. Probably the same for my second, third started school in a different country so social norms were different. Parents stayed with kids on “play dates” a little longer which suited me fine as I was finding my way and didn’t know anyone. I don’t see danger around every corner but I think common sense should prevail,

IgneousRock · 19/12/2021 11:20

When mine were little, pre school age, then I would arrange the play dates with parents that I knew so we would drink coffee and chat while the kids played.

Then when they start school they make friends with kids whose parents you wouldn't necessarily choose as friends. It's not that you don't like them, but you wouldn't want to chat to them for a couple of hours on a regular basis. So that's when you start dropping them off and leaving.

Families tend to be smaller and more scattered these days, so your childhood situation of being surrounded by cousins is quite unusual now.

catchyjem · 19/12/2021 11:21

Yes I was left to play at friends houses as a child 80's to early 90's. Sometimes stayed for tea with the family or even sleep over! We would offer the same in return and I had friends over a lot. Never remember having problems with it. Sometimes my parents knew the family quite well, sometimes not. Didn't seem to make a difference. Parents never stayed, I think that would have been awkward as they were not really friends, us kids were. I think we are more cautious these days. I do let my kids go by themselves to play or to a party. And I have hosted kids without their parents. I wouldn't allow a sleepover though, unless I knew the family very well. Luckily they haven't asked for that yet! The only time I sometimes stay is if I'm actually friends with the mum myself. I understand everyone feels differently though. When I have had a party I've always made clear parents are welcome to stay if they wish.

CiaoForDiNiaoSaur · 19/12/2021 11:27

We played at friends houses all the time as children in the 80s/90s. Some of them were children of my mums friends, so she'd also be there. Others were our own school/brownie/whatever friends and Mum wouldn't have stayed.
We didn't call them "play dates" though.

Unlike a PP we were never "chucked out" and left to do whatever. We did live on a main road though so we couldn't play on the street.

NuffSaidSam · 19/12/2021 11:31

Yes, completely normal. And it's not 'these days', it's been the case for decades at least.

If your DC are unable to go on playdates or to parties as they get older they will become socially isolated so I'd think carefully about it going forward. It's hard to imagine now when your DC is a baby, but it's quite different to say an 8 year old can't go to a friend's house to play, for example.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 19/12/2021 11:35

When we were little, the mum or dad would stay. From perhaps around 6 or 7 they would drop off kids, or we would be dropped off there, but until secondary school it was only parents who my parents knew well. DS is 3, so we still invite parents when we invite over a friend, and vice versa. I had the first person clarify if they could stay the other day, her DS is already 4 so I suppose it's getting too a cross-over age where everyone's judging drop-off/ stay based on their own kids.

Legoninjago1 · 19/12/2021 11:38

Yes of course. From Reception both my two went to drop off play dates. But not if I'd never met the parents.

Original poster
chinabumps85 · 19/12/2021 11:49

@NuffSaidSam

Yes, completely normal. And it's not 'these days', it's been the case for decades at least.

If your DC are unable to go on playdates or to parties as they get older they will become socially isolated so I'd think carefully about it going forward. It's hard to imagine now when your DC is a baby, but it's quite different to say an 8 year old can't go to a friend's house to play, for example.

@NuffSaidSam I think that's a huge reach tbh. They definitely won't become socially awkward just because they don't attend play dates or go to parties. I have many friends who have kids the same age as my DD as well as a huge family with smaller kids that she'll most likely grow up around. I'd also be very happy to host play dates at my house but I can't see myself as being a fan of sending them to someone's house who I barely know
OP posts:
IgneousRock · 19/12/2021 11:52

NuffSaidSam didn't say socially awkward, she said socially isolated. In that it may affect their school friendships if they're the only one not having play dates with school friends.

Original poster
chinabumps85 · 19/12/2021 11:54

Then when they start school they make friends with kids whose parents you wouldn't necessarily choose as friends. It's not that you don't like them, but you wouldn't want to chat to them for a couple of hours on a regular basis

This is what I find interesting. Completely understandable that you may not be friends of the parents of your kid's friend but then you're willing to trust your kids will be safe with this person even though you hardly know them?

Growing up I was never allowed to go round to friends houses as my friends always came over to my house. I was always annoyed with this at the time but as I've got older I can certainly see why. Interesting to know what other people do but I'm sure I'll do the same thing my mum did with me, with my own kids

OP posts:
Original poster
chinabumps85 · 19/12/2021 11:56

@NuffSaidSam so sorry I didn't have my glasses on! I highly doubt they'll become socially isolated either. They'll still maintain friendships with people but just on the school grounds (if we're talking primary school age). I see nothing wrong with that

OP posts:
IgneousRock · 19/12/2021 12:00

But what happens off school grounds will affect school friendships. Meeting up after school strengthens a friendship bond. But anyway it seems you've made your mind up, OP, so I'm not sure there's much point in discussing this further.

Original poster
chinabumps85 · 19/12/2021 12:08

Both of my kids will still be able to have play dates at my house though? I've never said they won't ever have a play date or allowed friends over because they'll always be allowed. My thing is allowing your child to go to someone's house when you barely know the parents. That's all🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Classicblunder · 19/12/2021 12:10

@chinabumps85

Both of my kids will still be able to have play dates at my house though? I've never said they won't ever have a play date or allowed friends over because they'll always be allowed. My thing is allowing your child to go to someone's house when you barely know the parents. That's all🤷‍♀️
Not if the other parents feel the same!
HanSB · 19/12/2021 12:18

Playdates up to nursery usually include the other parent and generally were outside of the house, meeting up at a park or some activity. In Reception I would still have expected parent to come as well as some children are still a bit shy but from Yr1 onwards (5/6 years old) it's generally drop off. You would assume that the playdate or favour would be reciprocated too. The parent may stay for 10/15 mins for a chat at the start or end of the playdate to be friendly. I knew most of the parents a little through school drop off and pick ups.

RedCandyApple · 19/12/2021 12:23

I get it op, seems common on here but Ime not irl, I have 4 kids and they’ve never been invited for play dates by school friends, I’ve had people suggest I invite random children my kids play with round to my house for play dates, when I haven’t even met the parents, as if I would do that, irl that would be seen as very odd!

Original poster
chinabumps85 · 19/12/2021 12:24

Not if the other parents feel the same!

True! Good thing I have friends with kids the same age as well as a big family full of kids also

OP posts:
epponneee · 19/12/2021 12:32

I suppose the problem with that reasoning is that if the other parents decided to do the same as you, nobody would have a playmate! My oldest has recently turned 5 and has not yet had any playdates where I've sent him on his own. Prior to starting school in September he had only been to houses/parties of kids where I had become friends with the parents. He has now started going to school friends parties and so far away seems to be the expectation that parents attend too, which is quite nice as you at least get to meet the other parents. I think in the next few months I will plan some playdates with parents present with some school friends. And then after that maybe more towards age 6 he'd be OK to go to a friends by himself. I wouldn't expect to know the parents really well but would have wanted to at least have had a few coffees/supervised playdates before sending him off on his own. I don't think I would do sleepovers until quite a lot older though

JustDanceAddict · 19/12/2021 12:37

Of course!!
I stayed until they were/I was happy for them to be left.
My ds was v comfortable to be left with his then best-friend from nursery aged 3 and I was happy to do so seeing the family set up etc.
Conversely I still went to some PDs when my dd was in Reception and others she was happy to be left at.
Re parties - parents usually left after Reception age, but some stayed (esp if it was out of area so they wouldn’t have to go back 2 hours later).
I think the ‘protocol’ with PDs was to go with for the first time then you can tell if your child is comfortable or you’re ok with leaving them.
When they were a bit older I’d arrange to get there early for a coffee to get to know the parent as obviously friends came and went.
I have to say most of my DCs friends’ families were very pleasant and I became friends with many of the mums too.
This was the norm where I lived.
Once they get to secondary you have no control over who they see etc.

Daisy829 · 19/12/2021 12:40

I wouldn’t over think it too much right now. When your kids are younger you are likely to stay with them for play dates & you will know the parents well enough by the time it comes to play dates where you drop and leave them. If you don’t feel comfortable with it then don’t do it but it is the norm as they get older.