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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Play dates

69 replies

chinabumps85 · 19/12/2021 10:38

Inspired by comments in a current thread and sometimes threads posted by parents. I wonder, do people really leave their child at someone's house for play dates?

This may seem like a silly question but I never knew this was a thing until I joined MN. I have quite a big family, around 9 aunties and uncles and 6 of them have multiple kids. So I only ever spent time with my cousins and never went on play dates, this is the same for my little sister who's 9 years younger than me. I never celebrated birthdays so never went to a friend's house from school for a birthday party (however I can understand dropping your child off at a party and leaving them for some hours).

As I got older I always assumed play dates would mean two parents over at someone's house so the kids have time to play with each other and so on. Since being on MN it seems as if some people will drop their child off and the kids will be supervised by the parent/parents of who's house it is and they may take the kids out etc. I now have a DD who is 7 months and pregnant with our second so I just wondered what other people did?

OP posts:
Classicblunder · 19/12/2021 12:42

@chinabumps85

Not if the other parents feel the same!

True! Good thing I have friends with kids the same age as well as a big family full of kids also

That's fine when the kids are little but when they get older, they may have made close friends at school who they want to spend time with out of school. They may not be as happy for you to choose all of their playmates at home.

That doesn't mean that you have to do anything you're not comfortable with but I suspect that being risk averse will not be totally easy even if you do have lots of family and friends.

We are pretty careful about this with our 5 year old because he has food allergies and an EpiPen. I don't think we would be comfortable with him doing playdates with other people until he is 8 or so, unless we know and trust them on the food front, but he is already aware that we are out of step with his friends' parents

GTAlogic · 19/12/2021 12:47

We've never arranged for our dc to play with other kids. They play with the kids on the street where we live and either go to their friends' houses or ours when it gets cold, dark or wet. The only time we've arranged anything is when dc 2 has a sleepover and that's fairly recently. Obvs the child's parents don't sleep over as well!

DeepaBeesKit · 19/12/2021 13:06

At primary age children form closer bonds one on one in playdates than they do in a large group in the classroom.

My son is in reception (but with mostly the same group of children who've come up from nursery together). We've had the 3 or 4 kids he is most friendly with back to ours after school on occasion. Sometimes with their parents, but sometimes not, often if I'm doing them a favour picking up from school etc. My son has been to other kids homes without me. We live in a small, close knit village where everyone knows everyone so I don't really consider most of the school parents "strangers"

fishonabicycle · 19/12/2021 13:23

If it was a friend of mine, then I would sometimes stay, otherwise no - son went home with their friend after school and I picked him up. This is pretty much normal!

Bumpsadaisie · 19/12/2021 13:24

Total normal once child is school age !

Bumpsadaisie · 19/12/2021 13:25

@chinabumps85

That's really interesting. I personally couldn't see myself leaving my children at someone's house when I hardly know the person. Of course the kids will know each other from school or wherever but I'd find it weird just dropping them to someone's house and leaving. Really interesting to know this is what people tend to do these days though
Give it time though. Come the day when you'll be delighted to do this !

🤣🤣🤣

shouldistop · 19/12/2021 13:29

Yes, from school age but only if I've at least spoken to the parent a few times.

shouldistop · 19/12/2021 13:31

@chinabumps85

That's really interesting. I personally couldn't see myself leaving my children at someone's house when I hardly know the person. Of course the kids will know each other from school or wherever but I'd find it weird just dropping them to someone's house and leaving. Really interesting to know this is what people tend to do these days though
You feel like that because yours are tiny though. Ds1 wasn't even left with a grandparent at 7 months. He's 5 now and I'm happy to leave him at birthday parties or a play date if I've chatted to the parent a few times.
explodingeyes · 19/12/2021 13:33

I would find it very very odd if a parent never let a primary school child to play at other kids houses unsupervised. I'd think the parent was suffering a type of paranoia. My DC and all primary children I know are forever at each other's houses for hours and sleepovers very normal after age 9/10. I spent my childhood doing the same

WakeUpLockie · 19/12/2021 13:35

I’m 32 and we went to friends’ houses after school etc without parents - you’d just go home with your friend’s parents after school. Was awesome and very exciting. This was year 1/2 onwards. So not a new thing. I have children that age now and so because of covid we haven’t done school play dates but I agree it does feel weird! I would worry.

We often have our best friends’ kids over (our kids are best friends too) without their parents. But we’ve known them since birth.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/12/2021 13:41

It's normal now, it was normal ten years ago, and it was normal 50 years ago. It's entirely up to you how you parent (abuse aside) but your dc will undoubtedly miss out if you don't allow it.

TheTeenageYears · 19/12/2021 13:49

@chinabumps85 so it's okay for others to entrust their children to you for these future play dates at your house but not for you to do the same?

mishmased · 19/12/2021 14:25

My 6 and 8 year old were collected at 11am and taken to a park 20 mins away by 8 year old friends mother. She then texted me at 1pm to say she has taken them back to hers and will bring them home at 5pm. I've known her for over 4 years and we're friendly, she bakes for us sometimes (chef) so I'm happy for her to take them to hers. I love having her son over as he's the least fussy 9 year old I have ever met. He eats anything you give him and I love feeding him 😂

mishmased · 19/12/2021 14:39

When mine were 7 months I never thought about play dates.
Like you I grew up with having friends over and not going to their houses and I do the same. But they get fed up sometimes and want to go to their friends homes. I'm not keen on it but I accept it as a part of growing up.

My 6 year old hasn't been on any play dates with his classmates but tags along with his brothers friends to the cinema etc.

We have been out with parents of my older child's classmates, doing Christmas things and in the summer we went to a water park with the kids and had a great time.

I also find parents with one child or where there's a huge age gap between their kids (10+ years) are more likely to organise play dates than those with say two or three children.

rainbowandglitter · 19/12/2021 14:52

It's normal round here to drop kids for playdates from reception age. They need to be able to make their own friends (not just kids of your friends that you choose for them) and learn to socialise outside a classroom environment and not have mum hanging around. You might feel different when your child is older.

Original poster
chinabumps85 · 19/12/2021 15:33

You feel like that because yours are tiny though. Ds1 wasn't even left with a grandparent at 7 months. He's 5 now and I'm happy to leave him at birthday parties or a play date if I've chatted to the parent a few times.

@shouldistop I don't think that's why. DD has been left with several family members alone so that's not the issue. I think it's because of the way I was raised. I was raised by a mum who is a victim of CSA so we were raised to be cautious from such a young age. My point is, I couldn't see myself letting my kids stay somewhere where I hardly know the parents or I've only spoken to them a few times. Obviously someone you've known and become friends with for years would be a different situation!

OP posts:
shouldistop · 19/12/2021 15:36

So you must realise then that yours is not the 'normal' view. It's an extreme given your mums history.
How likely do you think it would be for another school mum to sexually abuse a child in the couple of hours they're there after school.

Original poster
chinabumps85 · 19/12/2021 15:37

I would find it very very odd if a parent never let a primary school child to play at other kids houses unsupervised. I'd think the parent was suffering a type of paranoia. My DC and all primary children I know are forever at each other's houses for hours and sleepovers very normal after age 9/10. I spent my childhood doing the same

I guess I'm odd then! Honestly, better safe than sorry in my eyes. You may view it as paranoia but I view it as being cautious. Each to their own when it comes to trusting someone with their child that they barely know. That's the thing, you spent your childhood doing the same but I didn't. I never had sleepovers with friends and never went to friends houses from school. I spent a lot of time with cousins or my neighbours kids. People that my mum obviously knew very well

OP posts:
shouldistop · 19/12/2021 15:37

Also, children are more likely to be abused by family members than by anyone else. So if you look at the stats you're being blaze leaving your baby with several other family members.
(You're not obviously, I'm just pointing out the stats)

Original poster
chinabumps85 · 19/12/2021 15:40

[quote TheTeenageYears]@chinabumps85 so it's okay for others to entrust their children to you for these future play dates at your house but not for you to do the same?[/quote]
I honestly couldn't care less if someone didn't want their child to come round to my house for whatever reason. If anything, it's understandable especially if they hardlu know me. If parents weren't happy with them having to trust me when I may not do the same as I hardly know them, that's absolutely fine

OP posts:
Original poster
chinabumps85 · 19/12/2021 15:45

@shouldistop where did I say anything about my kids getting abused when they go to people's houses? I said I was raised by a mum who was a victim of CSA so we were raised to be cautious. That's exactly the point here.

In not sending my kids to people's houses where I hardly know them, that's being cautious. It's not even about sexual abuse but you don't know who comes in and out of people's houses and so on. Obviously if people are happy to leave their kids at play dates with parents they've spoken to a few times, that's really up to them. I won't be doing that as I literally don't know the person at all. It's honestly simple to understand

OP posts:
Comingup · 19/12/2021 15:45

But how much would you need to know the other parents?? I don't get this really. If you say went for coffee ten times with them, would that somehow prove your child would be safe in their home,?

Original poster
chinabumps85 · 19/12/2021 15:50

@Comingup it'd just depend on whether I considered them a friend or not. Personally I can consider them a friend but still not be willing for my kids to go to their house by themselves. In my family (and even my close circle of friends) this really isn't a thing. The kids will go to birthing invites where the parents are able to stay but no one just lets their child go to people's houses of people they barely know

OP posts:
shouldistop · 19/12/2021 15:53

Ok, don't then Confused you're the one that started the thread. By the time your kids are 9 they might feel a bit resentful about being the only kids in school not allowed round to their friends houses.

SquigglePigs · 19/12/2021 15:54

DD is only just 3 so I've never left her at friends houses but I went round to friends houses to play without my parents when I was a kid so I can't see why I wouldn't do the same with DD when she's older. In fact some of my friends came on holiday with us sometimes!

You mention about not knowing the parents but for primary age kids I'd expect that I would know the parents, at least a bit. My parents certainly knew my friends parents at least a little. Maybe for a new friend I'd suggest going the first time, having a coffee with the other parent(s) and seeing what they were like and how I felt about them.

I was an only child and DD will be so friendships are important and I would work hard to facilitate them (like aforementioned holidays where friends came with us when I was a kid).