Trouble with teenager! SOS!

[Seekingsage]

So to briefly explain my situation, I'm 21, living with my fiance, trying to conceive, and at the same time facing parenting dilemmas as we unexpectedly became the legal guardians of his teenage brother (16 at the time now 17). I know on this site there are certain shorthand phrases used to describe members of the family for discretion but I don't know what they are or what they mean, please feel free to explain them but for now I'll refer to said teenager as teenager.

This teenager comes from a troubled home, as did I, as did my partner, they were kicked out at 16 following arguments with the mother regarding LGBTQ matters and their freedom to come and go from the house. There was police involvement in this kicking out as there was a small assault on teenager, this was obviously an extremely distressing time and since no social services or anyone offered to step in, me and my partner did. We took him in as he has nowhere else to go and thought at the time that the arrangement would be, he was taken care of in the sense of bills paid, food in the cupboard, companionship and emotional support from the two of us however since coming into our care, teenager has refused to prepare food for themselves, get drinks for themselves, clean their own dishes, do their own laundry, tidy their own bedroom etc. I could go on but you get the idea.
As it currently stands, if me or my partner don't bring food and water to teenagers bedroom, they don't eat or drink and then accuse us of neglect. Similar with all other aspects of everyday life, if teenager has no clean clothes it is our fault, if teenager hasn't bathed recently this is also somehow our fault.

I guess what I am asking is, these boundaries seem inappropriate. Whenever the subject of responsibility is broached it results in toddler like tantrums with slamming doors and sobbing and the arguably more upsetting, tiktoks being posted about how unloved and neglected he is.

The thing is, both me and my partner are clueless as to whether to put the proverbial foot down and let him sulk and accuse us of all sorts, or wether he is actually incapable of meeting his own basic needs.

Additionally, when teenager is alone with my partner (teenagers brother) teenager tends to say very upsetting and relatively unforgivable things. My partner then comes back to me upset, I comfort them, I explore the possible underlying issues, I advise him to verbalise his boundaries, but nothing seems to work. As an example, after teenager stormed off during a walk with my partner for (seemingly) no reason, the conversation looked like this.

Teenager: "Why the F* are you following me"
My partner: "Don't swear at me."
Teenager: "I didn't what are you talking about"
My partner: "Are you okay?"
Teenager: "I'm fine."
My partner: "You don't seem fine."
Teenager: ....................eyeroll and huff

This is somewhat typical of the behaviour issues we've been running into, as when he crosses a line and is corrected, he swears he never did whatever it is that two people saw/heard him do. Additionally, he expects us to know what has upset him every time he is upset and gets angry when asked, because he thinks we should know.
The funny thing is, if my partner says anything even slightly argumentative towards him (such as 'Stop speaking to me like that' or 'Why are you being like this?') he runs away and then sobs to me that my partner has been aggressive and triggered his PTSD. However teenager has no concern for the fact that he behaves aggressively and disrespectfully to my partner causing similar emotional pain for him.
While I'm lucky that teenager seems to behave more or less around me, that doesn't mean teenager doesn't say some fairly hurtful things about me behind my back. I don't know where I stand.

What I want to do is explain his behaviour back to him in a non confrontational way, e.g. "I'm not sure if you're aware but when you do X it comes off as X and makes us feel like X and we'd like to find a better way to communicate"

I don't know if that is the right response or if it would even work but at this point I'm considering that his behaviour is having a significant impact on our well being and day to day life and needs to change.
Any advice would be appreciated as I don't want things to escalate to a point where he needs rehousing.

TLTR:
My Partners teenage brother lives with us and is not looking after their own basic needs and is frequently behaving aggressively/disrespectfully towards my partner, and is saying nasty things about me behind my back but being nice to my face and we don't know how to help him or how to put down healthy boundaries.

I think you need to pause the ttc while you are in this volatile situation, and focus your efforts on the teen. He won't come around quickly, he won't necessarily come around at all but it sounds like he has been through a lot. Does he actually want to be living with the two of you? Does he go to school/college and can he get any support from there? Have you found anything that "reaches" him and he enjoys doing with you?

Please don’t bring a baby into this situation.

Honestly you will regret it. You’re so young, this whole situation is a huge mess. Are you sure you want to be part of this??

I've no help for your on the teenager, but my only thought I'm afraid on reading the thread is - please don't bring a baby in to this. You seem exceptionally mature for 21!

Wanting you to take care of their more basic needs is likely seeking security. It is not unusual for someone who has been through neglect or abuse. Are they receiving counselling? Are any resources available to your partner? Is your partner older? This teen will need support for a while. All teens require emotional support, guidance and care beyond paying bills. I too would be actively avoiding TTC in this volatile situation at 21.

I agree with the previous poster. You're still young so there is no rush for a baby and while you have the teenager in the house it's not the right time.

He sounds like he is really struggling and it's not surprising with his traumatic background. I fear his issues will be too big for you as a family to sort out without outside help. I think you all need some sort of therapy together and individually. I'm no psychologist but it sounds like his parents didn't look after him and he is kind of regressing as he is wanting someone to baby him and parent him to make up for what he missed out of. I doubt he would be aware of this though, and the denying things that he has just said or done does sound impulsive.

I'm not sure what you can do though if you cant get him help or he wont engage. Other than put down some ground rules that are your firm boundaries and have set consequences if he doesnt comply. Would you be able to pay rent somewhere else for him if him living with you became untenable? So you're still supporting him but not living with him? What happens when you sit down and ask him why he doesnt wash and get himself food at 17? He is old enough to join the army, get married, go to uni in Scotland and in a few months would be old enough to get a job and move out, how does he think he will move forward in life if he is not encouraged to learn the skills that all late teens have to learn before or when they leave home?

You write in an amazingly mature way for a 21 year old but that doesn't mean you're up to parenting this particular teen and that's fine. You need to be firm with social services that a care place is needed and be confident that you are doing the right thing (living with his elder brother sounds quite toxic for him).

You really don't need this type of stress when you're pregnant. I also would not ttc at this point.

Wow you seem incredibly mature for 21!
I would hold off on the baby until this situation is settled, even just a couple of months
Can you access any help or have any assessments made for him?
I don’t really have any advice but didn’t want to read and run, it sounds like you’re doing everything you can already except get some additional support here

They’re been raised in a volatile environment. So their behaviour isn’t that could be compared to a typical teenager. They are still so young and their emotions sound exaggerated likely due to their childhood. You need to pause TTC for a couple of years. I can’t offer much help other than to not be too harsh. You need routine, rules. Ie food will be downstairs at x time, if you don’t collect it, it will be in the fridge. Rinse and repeat, consistency is good.

Yeah I think the ttc hasn't been working due to stress anyway. At this point it does seem wrong to keep trying :(

@BurntO

They’re been raised in a volatile environment. So their behaviour isn’t that could be compared to a typical teenager. They are still so young and their emotions sound exaggerated likely due to their childhood. You need to pause TTC for a couple of years. I can’t offer much help other than to not be too harsh. You need routine, rules. Ie food will be downstairs at x time, if you don’t collect it, it will be in the fridge. Rinse and repeat, consistency is good.

I think you're right, I've played with the idea of stricter routine and rules but I think the foot needs to be put down and if it causes a blow up it causes a blow up.

We really don't know where to turn for help in all honesty. He had a social worker but he actually told them to F* off and blocked them and refuses to work with them. He mocks therapy and says he helps himself and his meditation is more than enough (spoiler alert, its not). He refuses to go to college because he thinks the other kids are "Snotty".
I am wondering about at least insisting on family therapy but even that I don't know how to go about getting it, GP maybe?

Do you have any idea how he's getting on at school? Does he seem to have friends? With my teens I try to keep a discreet eye on their friends so I can watch out for signs of drug use etc (one of them did vape and smoke weed a few times but passed exams and is successful in the workplace now)

Have you spoken to the school? I'd personally try and contact the social worker. Bit worrying that blocking gets them off your back because wouldn't an abuser use this to their advantage? I have no idea what support it available but I'd hope that there were support groups for people like you.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I agree with the previous poster. You're still young so there is no rush for a baby and while you have the teenager in the house it's not the right time.

He sounds like he is really struggling and it's not surprising with his traumatic background. I fear his issues will be too big for you as a family to sort out without outside help. I think you all need some sort of therapy together and individually. I'm no psychologist but it sounds like his parents didn't look after him and he is kind of regressing as he is wanting someone to baby him and parent him to make up for what he missed out of. I doubt he would be aware of this though, and the denying things that he has just said or done does sound impulsive.

I'm not sure what you can do though if you cant get him help or he wont engage. Other than put down some ground rules that are your firm boundaries and have set consequences if he doesnt comply. Would you be able to pay rent somewhere else for him if him living with you became untenable? So you're still supporting him but not living with him? What happens when you sit down and ask him why he doesnt wash and get himself food at 17? He is old enough to join the army, get married, go to uni in Scotland and in a few months would be old enough to get a job and move out, how does he think he will move forward in life if he is not encouraged to learn the skills that all late teens have to learn before or when they leave home?

We've tried to talk about it and he pretends like we are crazy to be honest. I asked "Are you able to make food, like a pot noodle" and he'll say yes of course and so on and be insulted that we're even asking, but he will cry that no body has fed him and nobody's brought him a drink.

We've talked about the future and every time he just says he wants to just stay with us so he doesn't have to worry about all that.

So what is he doing with his days? Is he in any kind of education? He can’t just sit in a bedroom for evermore.
Ask him what he would like to do with his life and how he’s going to achieve it.
You and your partner have the patience of saints!

So you're only 4 years older than him? No matter how mature you are you're going to have an impossible job acting as this lad's parental figure in any way. How old is your partner?

@Bagelsandbrie

Please don’t bring a baby into this situation.

Honestly you will regret it. You’re so young, this whole situation is a huge mess. Are you sure you want to be part of this??

I think you're right, nows not the time for the baby. As far as everything else goes, it's hard to know what's right to do really... Things with me and my partner are great, we've been together since we were 15, and we've worked out our relationship to a fine art and I'm really happy with it. It seemed like the right thing to do to take in his brother, both me and my partner were kicked out by our parents because they were very toxic and abusive, so we related to his problem and didn't want to see him on the streets which he would have been. The problem lies with teenager unfortunately. When people took me in at the age, I was kind, respectful, grateful, and took care of myself. Same with my partner, we were very independent and never had an issue with the people we lived with. Part of me wonders if teenager acts this way because being with their brother reminds them of their home background, but there's no one else willing to take him, and teenager refuses to work with socials. It is a huge mess, it's not how I saw my 20's going at all, I thought at this point we'd be settling into adult life pretty gently, and TTC in the now or near future which had always been our plan... Now it seems like we can't and that breaks my heart but it also seems morally wrong to put my partner in the position of choosing me or teenager, so here we are all trying to coexist relatively unsuccessfully.

Is he at school ?

@MissyB1

So what is he doing with his days? Is he in any kind of education? He can’t just sit in a bedroom for evermore. Ask him what he would like to do with his life and how he’s going to achieve it. You and your partner have the patience of saints!

We're really trying, REALLY TRYING. Thank you so much for the support! The closest we've got to getting to consider education is a vague promise to look at a college in a different town (which we'll have to move to bc it's not commutable) and we're seriously considering it because we hope it will open doors to him. Really we just want him to get his level 3 college quals so that the doors are open to him in the future. But mostly he just says he wants to be a tiktoker professionally which makes me cry a little inside because he's so bright, he could do anything he put his mind to if he'd only try.

@Knitter99

So you're only 4 years older than him? No matter how mature you are you're going to have an impossible job acting as this lad's parental figure in any way. How old is your partner?

My partner is the same age as me. That's just it, we really don't have the monopoly on experience and wisdom here, and he knows it. Me and my partner have talked about how theres a reason people with teenagers are much older than us, but we don't know what else to do. We've tried being in more of a friends role but he can't manage himself, his basic need or his behaviour, he's out of control and won't admit it to himself.

@luverlybubberly

Is he at school ?

He is not, he refuses to go, but has said he will think about it in September if we move to a different town. :(

I ask about the education aspect because having friends could help his confidence.

Would he do a course like multimedia, social media marketing etc ? Is he currently creating content on TikTok? Video editing etc is a skill that can work in more than one industry eg film, tv

Does he go out much?

Could ye decide for a certain length of time that ye will take care of his needs just so some of the tension goes out of the relationship. After all if he was living in a regular family situation his parents would probably do most of the cooking. Maybe just give him one job for starters. Try to introduce some fun into the home eg watching a movie together, having a takeaway. Maybe treat him as a younger kid to give him a hand to unwind. Could his brother and himself do any exercise together? Ye are so young to have this responsibility but l am wondering if killing I'm with kindness for a while would ease things a bit. You wold both need to come to an agreement on this so neither of ye are wondering what is going on.
But on top of that ye need lots of outside help. Does he get financial aid or do ye?

I agree with a PP that he may have regressed due to how he's previously been treated. He may want to be babied to try and feel secure. I suspect this is also why his behaviour isn't great. He's pushing boundaries to see how far he can go before you either "prove yourself" or also abandon him and prove him right.
Please also bear in mind that, just because you reacted and behaved in a particular way when you went through similar, it doesn't mean that everyone will.

I really think you need outside intervention, but you need to be constantly banging on doors to get the right help.