Trouble with teenager! SOS!

[Seekingsage]

So to briefly explain my situation, I'm 21, living with my fiance, trying to conceive, and at the same time facing parenting dilemmas as we unexpectedly became the legal guardians of his teenage brother (16 at the time now 17). I know on this site there are certain shorthand phrases used to describe members of the family for discretion but I don't know what they are or what they mean, please feel free to explain them but for now I'll refer to said teenager as teenager.

This teenager comes from a troubled home, as did I, as did my partner, they were kicked out at 16 following arguments with the mother regarding LGBTQ matters and their freedom to come and go from the house. There was police involvement in this kicking out as there was a small assault on teenager, this was obviously an extremely distressing time and since no social services or anyone offered to step in, me and my partner did. We took him in as he has nowhere else to go and thought at the time that the arrangement would be, he was taken care of in the sense of bills paid, food in the cupboard, companionship and emotional support from the two of us however since coming into our care, teenager has refused to prepare food for themselves, get drinks for themselves, clean their own dishes, do their own laundry, tidy their own bedroom etc. I could go on but you get the idea.
As it currently stands, if me or my partner don't bring food and water to teenagers bedroom, they don't eat or drink and then accuse us of neglect. Similar with all other aspects of everyday life, if teenager has no clean clothes it is our fault, if teenager hasn't bathed recently this is also somehow our fault.

I guess what I am asking is, these boundaries seem inappropriate. Whenever the subject of responsibility is broached it results in toddler like tantrums with slamming doors and sobbing and the arguably more upsetting, tiktoks being posted about how unloved and neglected he is.

The thing is, both me and my partner are clueless as to whether to put the proverbial foot down and let him sulk and accuse us of all sorts, or wether he is actually incapable of meeting his own basic needs.

Additionally, when teenager is alone with my partner (teenagers brother) teenager tends to say very upsetting and relatively unforgivable things. My partner then comes back to me upset, I comfort them, I explore the possible underlying issues, I advise him to verbalise his boundaries, but nothing seems to work. As an example, after teenager stormed off during a walk with my partner for (seemingly) no reason, the conversation looked like this.

Teenager: "Why the F* are you following me"
My partner: "Don't swear at me."
Teenager: "I didn't what are you talking about"
My partner: "Are you okay?"
Teenager: "I'm fine."
My partner: "You don't seem fine."
Teenager: ....................eyeroll and huff

This is somewhat typical of the behaviour issues we've been running into, as when he crosses a line and is corrected, he swears he never did whatever it is that two people saw/heard him do. Additionally, he expects us to know what has upset him every time he is upset and gets angry when asked, because he thinks we should know.
The funny thing is, if my partner says anything even slightly argumentative towards him (such as 'Stop speaking to me like that' or 'Why are you being like this?') he runs away and then sobs to me that my partner has been aggressive and triggered his PTSD. However teenager has no concern for the fact that he behaves aggressively and disrespectfully to my partner causing similar emotional pain for him.
While I'm lucky that teenager seems to behave more or less around me, that doesn't mean teenager doesn't say some fairly hurtful things about me behind my back. I don't know where I stand.

What I want to do is explain his behaviour back to him in a non confrontational way, e.g. "I'm not sure if you're aware but when you do X it comes off as X and makes us feel like X and we'd like to find a better way to communicate"

I don't know if that is the right response or if it would even work but at this point I'm considering that his behaviour is having a significant impact on our well being and day to day life and needs to change.
Any advice would be appreciated as I don't want things to escalate to a point where he needs rehousing.

TLTR:
My Partners teenage brother lives with us and is not looking after their own basic needs and is frequently behaving aggressively/disrespectfully towards my partner, and is saying nasty things about me behind my back but being nice to my face and we don't know how to help him or how to put down healthy boundaries.

You have the patience of a saint considering moving in exchange for him "thinking about it"

Having friends and going out is good for confidence and mental health but the longer he doesn't do this then the harder it is to get back in the saddle.

It's criminal that you're not being supported during the impossible time

@luverlybubberly

I ask about the education aspect because having friends could help his confidence.

Would he do a course like multimedia, social media marketing etc ? Is he currently creating content on TikTok? Video editing etc is a skill that can work in more than one industry eg film, tv

Does he go out much?

I'd love him to have friends and to go to college, I think it would help no end for him to have a goal in sight and people around him other than us to support him too! And he does create content but mostly just videos where he complains about me and my partner and they typically don't get much response or views :( It'd be great if he was taking the interest seriously, we've been trying to show him media courses that he could do but he says it's stupid. I also know there's no real way to force him through the doors of education so it's down to him changing his mind or us convincing him. At this point I'm just hoping that the boredom of having nothing to do will make him think about it a little harder.

I don't think you can do this. Honestly - the pair of you are 21? You're not capable of parenting an angry, aggressive 17 year old. And you shouldn't have to be. He's not your child or your responsibility.

He needs social services. And to stop being so entitled that he thinks you and his brother need to support him emotionally and financially. Phone them and tell them you can't manage any longer and they will need to take over.

I speak as someone with a 17 year old - but I am 56.

I agree with the other posters, as well intentioned as you are, this child needs more help and support than you can provide. The existing family dynamic with your partner is unlikely to help.
I understand your desire to help & why it was there, especially as there weren't people to help you, but recovering from your own trauma means learning how to have healthy boundaries. This is not your responsibility. Insist on a care placement.

You poor kids. It’s commendable that your bf is stepping up, but I think even someone much older and experienced would struggle with this. This is meant kindly,but he’s going to see you as “just” his brother and gf. Sounds like his socialisation is non existent and he knows he can push your boundaries. Never mind him, I think YOU need a social worker. But, I don’t know where you can get this help. Parenting classes? The senco at school?

@luverlybubberly

You have the patience of a saint considering moving in exchange for him "thinking about it"

Having friends and going out is good for confidence and mental health but the longer he doesn't do this then the harder it is to get back in the saddle.

It's criminal that you're not being supported during the impossible time

I just hope that we can give him a secure starting point in life. Our main goal is to help him through this rough patch to realise his potential. Unfortunately the rest of his family has turned their backs on him and we don't want him to be alone, so as painful and difficult as it is, we're hoping that we'll get him to where he needs to go and in years to come when he's out on his own and an adult in his own right, he'll have somewhere to come home for christmas. We also know there's a chance that there will be no thank you from him and he won't want us around but we want him to have the chance at least.

I think pp are right about him testing you and wanting to be babied for a while because to him, that might show him that you care.

You're taking on such a difficult job right now. I have 3 teenagers but I'd have no clue how to foster one who'd been through trauma.

Will they 3 of you be visiting any extended family this Christmas so you get a little break when others share the parenting for a bit?

@TheSoapyFrog

I agree with a PP that he may have regressed due to how he's previously been treated. He may want to be babied to try and feel secure. I suspect this is also why his behaviour isn't great. He's pushing boundaries to see how far he can go before you either "prove yourself" or also abandon him and prove him right. Please also bear in mind that, just because you reacted and behaved in a particular way when you went through similar, it doesn't mean that everyone will.

I really think you need outside intervention, but you need to be constantly banging on doors to get the right help.

I think you're right, it makes so much sense. It's why we're doing everything we can to not snap. We don't want him to be abandoned by the last people who care. I think I'm going to start trying to get outside support by speaking to my GP, see if they can make any referrals.

@OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow

You poor kids. It’s commendable that your bf is stepping up, but I think even someone much older and experienced would struggle with this. This is meant kindly,but he’s going to see you as “just” his brother and gf. Sounds like his socialisation is non existent and he knows he can push your boundaries. Never mind him, I think YOU need a social worker. But, I don’t know where you can get this help. Parenting classes? The senco at school?

I see that, honestly I think there are MUCH more qualified people for the job, but it seems like we'd really hurt him by saying we're turning him over to socials, and even then socials might not take him. I hadn't thought of parenting classes, that might just be genius, at least a chance for us to get some advice and support and a little more experience? There's no school unfortunately.

There are some odd issues in your post/

In UK, Legal guardians are appointed by a court and carry certain legal obligations to their ward. At your age, unmarried /unrelated to teen, I would be very surprised if you are a LG. So, "where you stand" is that you have no obligation to him.

me and my partner are clueless as to whether to put the proverbial foot down and let him sulk and accuse us of all sorts, or wether he is actually incapable of meeting his own basic needs

Sorry, I cannot believe that your partner doesn't know if his teen brother is capable of meeting his own basic needs ( washing himself, changing clothes, helping in the house).

   It seems to me that perhaps you have been misled  by your BF  about   both  the teen's capabilities and your own  domestic    responsibility  for him.  There is something very off-key about that. 


Don't bring a baby into this confused muddle and angry household.  

.

@luverlybubberly

I think pp are right about him testing you and wanting to be babied for a while because to him, that might show him that you care.

You're taking on such a difficult job right now. I have 3 teenagers but I'd have no clue how to foster one who'd been through trauma.

Will they 3 of you be visiting any extended family this Christmas so you get a little break when others share the parenting for a bit?

Unfortunately not :( His family has turned his back on him and on my partner for having helped him (The family thinks he should have been left on the street, literally.) And I don't have any family to fall back on either. I think what we'll try is to create a boringly predictable and reliable routine and system of how everything works and hope that the stability helps. Obviously being quite young and inexperienced this is quite hard to do but I hope even if what we're doing is inadequate that at least teenager knows somebody tried, and somebody cared.

It sounds to me that he is jealous of your partner and he sees you as his safety net. Try talking to him, involving him in decisions particularly those concerning him.
As far as eating he will eat when he is hungry, his friends will soon notice if he doesn’t shower, so it might be worth pointing this out to him.
He needs to know he is loved so plenty of cuddles, walk away if he has a tantrum.

Personally she cost services would be quite happy to offload him to you..
which is definitely the right thing to do

But you're in between a rock and hard place here.

How can you partner be 21 and have a 16 yr old?

@2bazookas

There are some odd issues in your post/

In UK, Legal guardians are appointed by a court and carry certain legal obligations to their ward. At your age, unmarried /unrelated to teen, I would be very surprised if you are a LG. So, "where you stand" is that you have no obligation to him.

me and my partner are clueless as to whether to put the proverbial foot down and let him sulk and accuse us of all sorts, or wether he is actually incapable of meeting his own basic needs

Sorry, I cannot believe that your partner doesn't know if his teen brother is capable of meeting his own basic needs ( washing himself, changing clothes, helping in the house).

   It seems to me that perhaps you have been misled  by your BF  about   both  the teen's capabilities and your own  domestic    responsibility  for him.  There is something very off-key about that. 

Don't bring a baby into this confused muddle and angry household.  

.

No court was ever involved, your not wrong, there's no legal responsibility, just that his social worker asked and that was that. The social worker has since ceased to be involved since teenager told them to F* off and blocked them. :( We're no longer TTC. As far as teenagers ability, we're genuinely baffled bc there are times he is saying he hasn't eaten because no one will feed him, and there are other times when he'll go to the shop get himself a snack and take care of things himself.

Oh see he's the brother

Well he needs to start stepping up and doing his bit.. easier said than done

Honestly he sounds like he just needs babying for a bit and slowly but surely bring him into the real world
I imagine he's very scared and clinging onto anything

I think you have to remember that you are the 'parent' in this situation and not allow yourselves to be emotionally blackmailed by this troubled teen. Be understanding, but be clear and consistent. Be firm without getting angry as it won't help or get you anywhere.

I would treat him like i treat my teen. I make dinner for all of us but he makes his own breakfast and lunch. I do all the washing but if he wants something specific at a specific time then he needs to wash it himself or ask politely if I could do it if I'm doing a wash. He's still young he's probably desperate to feel looked after and loved.

It sounds like he can't cope with the idea of doing anything wrong and so just denies it all. Maybe he's terrified of being kicked out and so just flat out denies any wrong doing. There's not point arguing with him over it though as it sound like he can't handle any confrontation and it sounds like you might be better at handling him than your OH. For this reason I think it would be a very good idea for you to talk his behaviour over with him as it sounds like you are better at not getting drawn into confrontation.

Have you had a look at charities in your area. Quite a lot work with teens who are having difficulties.

How long has he lived with you? It sounds like he has been through a lot and now feels like a guest in someone else's house, not yet feeling comfortable with making his own food, using someone else's kitchen and appliances. I don't have suggestions apart from reassuring him that it's okay to do so, time will probably help with that part.

He’s only 16. Poor guy needs a parent. Obviously he can get his own water and meals but he’s not doing so because right now what he needs is someone to do that nurturing for him. It’s clear that you aren’t able to meet either his emotional or practical needs, so perhaps he’d be better off in foster care than with you? If not, I appreciate it’s weird to be 21 year old parents to a 17 year old but you’re going to need to do that for a while until he matures and settles. Think of it as parenting practice.

There’s an old saying in child rearing that if a child behaves too young for their age, then treat them as if they were that age.

He sounds like a child wanting to be looked after. If he’s had a difficult time then maybe it’s that.

Perhaps if you treated him as his behaviour she got a bit, he might grow up.

It seems he has a big need to be looked after.

www.coect.co.uk/podcasts/

this ma be really helpful

It sounds like whether he realises this or not, he is basically pushing your boundaries to “test” you and your partner to see if you really care about him, as deep down he thinks nobody really cares about him.

I suggest you sit down and have a heart to heart with him and say that you care a lot about him and want to help provide a safe and secure loving home for him to ultimately launch an independent adult life from, which is why you have brought him into your home. It sounds like he really needs to know that he is loved and has some security and stability.

I think you need to let him know that you’re upset by his allegations after you have been good enough to put a roof over his head (without laying it on too thick or getting into arguments over it). And say to him that at age 16 you do have some expectations about what he should be doing for himself and how he can fit into the household. Decide together on some “house rules”. Remind him that you’re only 4 years older and still figuring things out yourself, so you want to help him, but he needs to pull his weight in the home too. But that you’re open to discussion if there are certain things that he needs help with for now if he is struggling with his mental health for example. But if that is the case then you also want to look at how you can support him to improve his mental health and you’d like him to seek help from a professional for his own sake.

I think it’s reasonable that you generally cook for him at this age if you are cooking a meal anyway, but let him know that you expect him to come and join you for a meal, not hide away in his room, that you’ll call him when dinner is ready. And unless he feels he has mental health issues which are getting in the way, one night a week is his night to cook for the family in return maybe? Maybe offer to help him out with his laundry if he’s struggling if he brings his stuff down once a week on a certain day, but put a time limit on it of like ?6 months while he settles in and let him know after that time you’ll show him how the machine works etc and he can put on his own laundry loads to increase his independence.

Also worth saying that at age ?18 or 21 or whatever you will be expecting him to move out and support himself or contribute financially to the household or whatever it is you’re thinking, and you’re here to help him make plans for the future so he is able to achieve some financial independence when the time comes. I’d leave the bulk of that conversation for another day but just a heads up to him that you are here to help and support but he can’t expect to stay with you without contributing forever as an adult, just like you would expect from an adult child of your own etc.

Good luck! You are doing an amazing thing and I’m sure he will thank you for it in the future. Miles better for him than the alternatives at this age via social services I’m sure.

He is pushing you for rejection!

He sounds like he is in need of nurturing, so treat him as if he was younger than his chronological years.

Keep a discreet daily diary, read up on safer caring and keep yourself safe.
So for example, do not just enter into his bedroom, knock on door and ask if it’s ok to go in, if he refuses you permission, that’s ok, just stay in the hall and converse from there, have a chair in his bedroom, do not sit on his bed, sit on the chair. This is about keeping yourself safe you will get other examples by googling safe caring and download some guidance.

Not washing/showering could be due to low self esteem, so compliment him “oh you smell nice”
With regards to laundry, maybe that hasn’t been done for him and he is used to going about in dirty clothes, again it’s low self esteem, lack of nurture and also needing to learn some basic life skills.

I appreciate it’s hard for you, but get SW on board to support you and while your chapping at their door, ask about a kinship allowance. Good luck.

This situation resonates with me so much OP. I have a 17 yo trans DD (born male).

The last few years were absolutely horrendous. Behaving exactly as you describe. And if you tried to talk they would punch walls, slam doors, the lot.

I would recommend contacting social services early help. They were amazing with us and got us a Barbados support worker. She would take her out once a week and talk and help with anger issues. She was a bloody lifesaver.

We have a backwards and forward relationship with CAMHS but they have eventually diagnosed ASD and ADHD. It may be worth going down that route yourself.

Best of luck, it must be so hard at 20 to be picking up this responsibility, I really feel for you 💐

I don't know what to say except here's a quote from "The Letter Your Teenager Can't Write To You"

"I need this fight and I need to see that no matter how bad or big my feelings are—they won’t destroy you or me. I need you to love me even at my worst, even when it looks like I don’t love you. I need you to love yourself and me for the both of us right now. I know it sucks to be disliked and labeled the bad guy. I feel the same way on the inside, but I need you to tolerate it and get other grownups to help you. Because I can’t right now. If you want to get all of your grown up friends together and have a ‘surviving-your-teenager-support-group-rage-fest’ that’s fine with me. Or talk about me behind my back--I don’t care. Just don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on this fight. I need it..."

gretchenschmelzer.com/parents-corner/2015/6/23/the-letter-your-teenager-cant-write-you