To really not understand what I’m getting so wrong.

[thegreenlight]

Having had a horrific experience with primary with DS and his behaviour at school it is now repeating itself with my youngest DS so it must be me. Eldest DS has had behaviour issues (making noises, stimming, not listening, not completing work, no friends) all through infants - his behaviour has always been good at home and when out at museums or other days out.

He’s fiercely intelligent and knew the periodic table by heart at the age of 5 but has never really fulfilled his potential at school and is very emotionally immature. Now he’s in juniors it is slightly better but not much.

Youngest started reception this year. August 30th birthday and again I’m having to go in after school to speak to the teacher about his behaviour. He has speech and language issues and has been very hitty and defiant.

I’m a teacher and I see how different their behaviour is to others - they have never been compliant at school and every play or event is fraught and stressful. I saw the recording of the nativity and DS2 is sat with a teacher at the back with a fiddle toy (just like DS1 was).

I try so hard - we remember all school events, we try to make weekends enriching and exciting, we have high expectations of behaviours but school seems so difficult for them compared to others. It’s making me think I’m just a bad parent who’s missing something everyone else seems to do that has cause both our children to have issues.

Are they autistic?

spectrum?

It sounds like your kids are neurodiverse.

You've done nothing wrong.

Hi, I think some children just don't do well at school, it's not a siren that suits them all. Ds1 (who was diagnosed with autism at 15) didn't do well at school so I did home ed until he was 9.

He really struggled at juniors, coped at senior school, bloomed at a levels and got a first in his degree, now applying for PhD programs....

I think he just hated being around distractions and being forced to do things he wasn't interested in...

It’s worrying that as a teacher you haven’t really seemed to consider autism. As others have said this is textbook behaviour.

It sounds like your boys are struggling at school, but less so at home. There must be something (s) in the school environment that doesn't work for them, possibly a result of some neurodivergence on their part. That isn't your fault.

It sounds like they need a different environment to reach their potential and be happy. I'd start looking for alternatives and simultaneously push for them to be assessed in case they do have additional needs of some kind.

@Floundery

Sounds like absolutely textbook ASC. You’re a teacher - how can you not know this?

Is that the kindest way you could have delivered that information/asked that question?

You’re a teacher?
If one of your class parents came to you and said this, you would:

• suggest that heritability meant two children displaying similar behaviour was as likely as it being the parenting.
• reel off a long list of other kids like this that you’ve taught, and reassured them that therefore it isn’t just them.

Do you perhaps only have limited years of teaching and possibly in a private sector environment where such children may have been managed out?

Your children clearly have additional needs - have school never mentioned a referral?

Both of my boys had referrals in Nursery with less overt signs than those you describe.

I have to agree I find the lack of insight strange given you’re a teacher.

Have you had any involvement with HV, GP etc around dc behaviour?

As to youngest I would be tempted to ask him to be placed back into nursery and then repeat reception next year. Aug birthday statistically struggle even without any language issues.

DS1 has been assessed but as he doesn’t show the same behaviours in different environments nothing has come of it. We are looking at a private diagnosis (I was thinking maybe ADHD inattentive) but juniors just seem to think that letting him leave lessons is the answer and his attainment has plummeted. Last years teacher was amazing (and he responded brilliantly to home schooling) so we though he was doing well but this year the teacher is awful. We have spoken to the head about it not being ‘naughty’ behaviour in a preemptive meeting but things have not improved for him.

I’m just so tired at the thought of going through it again with DS2 (who shows NO symptoms of autism at all but is just very hitty and babyish).

I have been wrestling with this for years - please don’t bring my professional behaviours and knowledge into question.

[quote Floundery]@NuffSaidSam I find it quite incredible that a teacher would not be aware of the main signs of ASC. 1 in

You posted last year that your older son had ADD.

And I say this as someone who's boys have additional needs and 2 have summer birthdays. If I knew then what I know now I would have asked for a repeat year of nursery or reception year.

Has ds2 been referred to SALT

It definitely sounds like your children are neurodiverse. The school environment is a difficult place for many neurodiverse children. We home educate and know many families with ND children who thrive.
I think you need to approach the teacher with your concerns and get a referral for diagnosis and EHCP to accomadate their needs. If you can afford a private diagnosis this is likely to be much quicker than through the NHS.

We were put off delaying starting reception by the head - it’s very frowned upon in our LEA and has led to children skipping year 7 and not being able to take part in competitive sports so we chose to send him up with his peers.

Your children are clearly on the spectrum and are not badly behaved. Use this as a learning opportunity to learn about ASC. Hopefully you will be able to get help for your children, and being a teacher you will be able to help other children along the way. You poor boys are probably really struggling and you need to arm yourself with information in order to help them.

DS1 was assessed by infants and nothing came of it (apparently being both auditory avoiding and seeking means he isn’t diagnosable) we are pursuing again now that he is in juniors. I table DS2 to SLT every week but as he’s with the pre-school team it’s all on me and not the school (though I have sent everything through). DS2 is very different to DS1.

Hi OP, there are some really unnecessary and unkind responses on here.

Is it really so hard for other posters to comprehend that parenting your own children is vastly different to teaching? And sometimes, as parents, we don’t see what is right in front of us because we don’t bloody want to.

It does sound as though your children may benefit from a referral, I’m surprised this hasn’t been suggested by their own teachers or nursery staff. Did either of them do okay at nursery?
I don’t think is anything you have done wrong at all.

Please ask either your GP or their teachers/the school SENDco for guidance on how the referral system works in your area/to make a referral for them.

What’s difficult is that both boys are good at home - nothing massively unusual so I relying on their teachers to tell me how they behave at school and put things in place for them. In both cases they seem to be fixated on it being bad behaviour but I can’t impact that from home if they don’t do it at home!

Cross posted, apologies.
I would be pushing for another referral, ask for an apt with the school SENDco to see how they are supporting your children.

As an aside, it is entirely up to you whether or not you send DS2 into school, he doesn’t legally have to be there until the term following his 5th birthday. If you don’t want him to attend school right now, don’t feel pushed into sending him.

DS1 had an assessment in infants and nothing came from it - Doctors have said ‘let him settle in juniors’ and last year his teacher was fab and there was lots of home learning which he was fine with. It’s this year that has become difficult again and we are in contact with the SENCO but everything moves very slowly. I absolutely do not think that DS2 is on the spectrum at all but he’s very defiant at school and really doesn’t care what they want him to do. He is on a behaviour plan already.