To really not understand what I’m getting so wrong.

[thegreenlight]

Having had a horrific experience with primary with DS and his behaviour at school it is now repeating itself with my youngest DS so it must be me. Eldest DS has had behaviour issues (making noises, stimming, not listening, not completing work, no friends) all through infants - his behaviour has always been good at home and when out at museums or other days out.

He’s fiercely intelligent and knew the periodic table by heart at the age of 5 but has never really fulfilled his potential at school and is very emotionally immature. Now he’s in juniors it is slightly better but not much.

Youngest started reception this year. August 30th birthday and again I’m having to go in after school to speak to the teacher about his behaviour. He has speech and language issues and has been very hitty and defiant.

I’m a teacher and I see how different their behaviour is to others - they have never been compliant at school and every play or event is fraught and stressful. I saw the recording of the nativity and DS2 is sat with a teacher at the back with a fiddle toy (just like DS1 was).

I try so hard - we remember all school events, we try to make weekends enriching and exciting, we have high expectations of behaviours but school seems so difficult for them compared to others. It’s making me think I’m just a bad parent who’s missing something everyone else seems to do that has cause both our children to have issues.

You say they did great at home school. Are you in a position where you could do this a bit more long term?

Lots about your post says neurodiversity for both your children. Have you looked at ASC with a PDA (pathological demand avoidance) for your youngest? It's ASC but a slightly different presentation including defiance and hitting out (actually fuelled by anxiety).
If they are ND then until they have their needs met they won't "achieve" in school - this isn't related to parenting.
If you have the funds I'd be inclined to seek private assessment, but not just for ADHD/ASC but for SALT and Occupational Therapy.
Unmet needs don't respond to "behaviour plans" and in the long term can cause escalation of behaviour due to trauma. NHS assessment waiting times are so long as to verge on untenable.
One final point, if your SALT and Occupational Therapy assessments highlight specific needs you can apply for an EHCP without diagnosis (you can apply for one anyway but will need evidence of need).

My son has just had an autism diagnosis at 16. This is despite being involved with various SALTs, physical therapy, other professionals since the age of 2. ASD was dismissed several times until reaching crisis point in his teens and honestly it wasn’t until we went private that they did a really in depth assessment properly speaking to us and not taking how he presented with all his masking abilities at face value. I wish I had persevered earlier for a diagnosis rather than being made to feel I was unnecessarily concerned or finding fault with him.

Headline news for some on MN. Teachers are not trained in how to diagnose children, just encourage s to highlight behaviour that stands out

Amazing, given every second poster on this thread apparently seems qualified to diagnose autism based on a couple of posts.

Sorry OP this sounds very stressful and I can completely sympathise as my DC’s school/pre school experience has been rocky so far.

I agree that your elder DS sounds like he may be neurodiverse. I think my DC is too and there are some similarities between their behaviours.

No advice really but it’s not you; you are not getting it wrong.

I worked with a child who was bright, personable, but "naughty". Very task-avoidant. Those of us teaching him wanted to get him assessed. School head was convinced child was immature and would grow out of behaviours. Possibly worried about effects on budget if she called in outside help. Parents paid for a private assessment - child was asd. And finally got the help they needed, staff got the training to understand needs etc. None of that was in place before. If the school head is obstructive you have to be really pushy to get the correct support for your child.