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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I stay or should I go (back to work)?

74 replies

TiredGirlMom · 18/12/2021 11:10

I had my first baby 9 months ago. With COVID lockdowns I was in and out of work as my employer was non-essential. So during my pregnancy I worked 5 out of the 9 months. Then I was laid off right before my baby was due.

Once our baby was born my partner and I agreed that it was best if I didn't go looking for work and stayed at home with baby for an extended time. I cook, clean, do the clothes washing, look after baby, make my partner lunch and when he comes in from work I have a bath run, a sandwich, a glass of water and clean clothes ready for him.

My partner has recently started making comments like 'You're lazy', 'You don't work so you don't deserve this or that', 'You don't do anything but sit on you're phone, looking after a baby is easy'. I do everything for her, he doesn't change nappies, wash her, feed her or change clothes. I've tried to get him to spend a day doing everything I do to see it's not easy and he said no.

A number of days ago the baby wasn't well and kept waking during the night I did my best to calm baby as quickly as possible so he got his sleep. He told me I wasn't quick enough and that I was useless. Then when I remarked that I hadn't slept at all yet and he had a few hours already he said that I hadn't 'earned sleep'.

I'm feeling really worn down. I have no time for myself. I rarely get a bath or shower just a quick rinse whereas he gets a long bath every day. I am running on very little sleep. I spend my whole day with my baby and he told me the weekend was his rest time and not to bother him as he was the 'worker'. And he has asked to see my screen time on my phone daily to prove I'm not sitting on my phone all day.

I don't know what to do. I enjoy being with my baby seeing all the new achievements every day and I don't want to put baby in daycare but I'm also tired of being put down, should I go back to work? Or am I being unreasonable as the stay at home mom is this just how it should be? I thought being a parent was for both mother and father but I do understand that he is working too. I don't expect him to do everything but he seems to think he shouldn't do anything when he gets home. The most I get is him to play with her for a half hour, even if I try have a bath or relax to myself in this time it's disrupted after that half hour and rushed by him telling me baby needs this or that.

Some advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:

WWTBCD · 18/12/2021 11:12

Your partner is a cunt and he's the problem. Work or don't but definitely get rid of him.

altiara · 18/12/2021 11:14

Agree with WWTBCD

happychristmasbum · 18/12/2021 11:15

@WWTBCD

Your partner is a cunt and he's the problem. Work or don't but definitely get rid of him.

Yep. This.

What's your housing situation?

LakeShoreD · 18/12/2021 11:15

Go back to work so you have the means to leave him

BloomingTrees · 18/12/2021 11:17

Yes your DH is the problem. I'd recommend you get back to work, so you don't become dependent on him.

Enko · 18/12/2021 11:18

Back to work and get rid of "dh"

TangledNemo · 18/12/2021 11:19

I agree with @LakeShoreD.
Go back to work, it’s only a matter of time before he starts financially abusing you (if he isn’t already).
Also, don’t have any more kids with him, you have two already.

CatFaceCats · 18/12/2021 11:21

You’re doing everything anyway so might as well get rid of him and all the shit you do for him. Will lighten your load considerably when you’re only worrying about you and your child.

CatFaceCats · 18/12/2021 11:22

And agree with PPs, start looking for work asap to give you the means to leave.

WorriedGiraffe · 18/12/2021 11:24

Go back to work, and leave your partner.

sst1234 · 18/12/2021 11:25

Go back to work and make him share the cost of childcare. Women fall into this trap time and again. You need your independence, and that means financial first and foremost.

Hankunamatata · 18/12/2021 11:36

Get a job and get rid of DP

Twofurrycats · 18/12/2021 11:38

'And he has asked to see my screen time on my phone daily to prove I'm not sitting on my phone all day.'
WTF!
Start making plans for work and independence. I think you are going to need them.

Boombastic22 · 18/12/2021 11:43

Presume you aren’t married.

Get back to work, get financial independence and get planning exit plan. He sounds abusive and awful.

LittleOwl153 · 18/12/2021 11:44

The reality is that if you go back to work is that he will just say that the baby is your responsibility as you're the mother... and he works harder so should do nothing.

Stop doing anything for him. Stop running baths, making lunch etc. Stop doing his washing. He's being pathetic!

RedskyThisNight · 18/12/2021 11:51

You describe him as your partner - so are you not married?

You need to go back to work to have some financial independence. Then you need to leave him. I doubt he'll change.

MsJaneAusten · 18/12/2021 11:57

The question isn’t whether you should go back to work or not, it’s whether you should stay with him or not, and it sounds like the answer should be ‘no’.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 18/12/2021 12:03

You run his bath for him??

You most definitely have a partner problem and he needs to stop speaking to you like that or you need to end the relationship.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 18/12/2021 12:04

Absolute cunt. I’m a SAHM and this is NOT how it should be OP. Husbands are supposed to also help at home. You are not a slave. You need to be appreciated. Usually men take the baby in the morning when you have been up all night so you can rest.

The worst thing (and it’s a very long list to choose from) is him actually checking your phone. You need to leave. Do you have family you can stay with? There is literally nothing to be gained by staying with this awful man.

Original poster

TiredGirlMom · 18/12/2021 12:05

We are not married and have a small apartment. I really don't mind doing my daily chores and looking after baby, it's just the constant belittling of what I do that's getting me down. Financially, he doesn't say anything but I'm conscious so I don't buy anything for myself only the baby. He never buys me anything, bar for my birthday he got me some clothes and a phone. But he does make sure he gets anything he needs or wants.

My baby absolutely adores him and sobs when he goes to work. Even though I am unhappy with how I'm being belittled, I don't want her not to have her dad around because I can't cope with it.

OP posts:

AliceW89 · 18/12/2021 12:05

Do you have family support? My advice would be to leave this abusive, selfish man and look for your own income. Are you married?

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 18/12/2021 12:09

I don't want her not to have her dad around because I can't cope with it

He doesn’t do anything. She will get over it very quickly.

Is he British? Some cultures have much more of an expectation around women taking care of them

ClemDanFango · 18/12/2021 12:16

He has zero respect for you. Don’t let your children grow up seeing their mother emotionally abused and disrespected, they could follow in your footsteps and end up in the same situation.

AliceW89 · 18/12/2021 12:19

My baby absolutely adores him and sobs when he goes to work. Even though I am unhappy with how I'm being belittled, I don't want her not to have her dad around because I can't cope with it

I mean, I can’t see someone him taking you to court to maximise his access (unless he has very supportive, local, probably female family, who are prepared to do all the work for him). She may appear to adore him, but that really shouldn’t come at the expensive of your own mental health and well being.

AliceW89 · 18/12/2021 12:19

someone *like him

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