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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I stay or should I go (back to work)?

74 replies

TiredGirlMom · 18/12/2021 11:10

I had my first baby 9 months ago. With COVID lockdowns I was in and out of work as my employer was non-essential. So during my pregnancy I worked 5 out of the 9 months. Then I was laid off right before my baby was due.

Once our baby was born my partner and I agreed that it was best if I didn't go looking for work and stayed at home with baby for an extended time. I cook, clean, do the clothes washing, look after baby, make my partner lunch and when he comes in from work I have a bath run, a sandwich, a glass of water and clean clothes ready for him.

My partner has recently started making comments like 'You're lazy', 'You don't work so you don't deserve this or that', 'You don't do anything but sit on you're phone, looking after a baby is easy'. I do everything for her, he doesn't change nappies, wash her, feed her or change clothes. I've tried to get him to spend a day doing everything I do to see it's not easy and he said no.

A number of days ago the baby wasn't well and kept waking during the night I did my best to calm baby as quickly as possible so he got his sleep. He told me I wasn't quick enough and that I was useless. Then when I remarked that I hadn't slept at all yet and he had a few hours already he said that I hadn't 'earned sleep'.

I'm feeling really worn down. I have no time for myself. I rarely get a bath or shower just a quick rinse whereas he gets a long bath every day. I am running on very little sleep. I spend my whole day with my baby and he told me the weekend was his rest time and not to bother him as he was the 'worker'. And he has asked to see my screen time on my phone daily to prove I'm not sitting on my phone all day.

I don't know what to do. I enjoy being with my baby seeing all the new achievements every day and I don't want to put baby in daycare but I'm also tired of being put down, should I go back to work? Or am I being unreasonable as the stay at home mom is this just how it should be? I thought being a parent was for both mother and father but I do understand that he is working too. I don't expect him to do everything but he seems to think he shouldn't do anything when he gets home. The most I get is him to play with her for a half hour, even if I try have a bath or relax to myself in this time it's disrupted after that half hour and rushed by him telling me baby needs this or that.

Some advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:

TheDuchessOfBeddington · 19/12/2021 04:40

I’m sorry he sounds awful! You are working 24/7 to look after his and your child. Please get back into work. It will give you options.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 19/12/2021 06:29

Dump the partner.
He's horrible.
And abusive.

Go back to work.

BigYellowHat · 19/12/2021 07:45

Why are you with this wanker?

hoomama · 19/12/2021 08:07

This situation shouldn't be about whether you return to work or not.

This situation actually sounds really dangerous. Your partner is starting to put you down and trying to make you feel as though you are absolutely nothing. He isn't helping you and he clearly doesn't realise how difficult it is to look after a baby. I would say go for a day out and leave him with your baby but he sounds very nasty and manipulative and I'm not sure I would want to leave a baby with him.

I would get out of this relationship. He is going to ruin your self esteem and your baby is also going to grow up thinking this is the norm and that is how to treat a partner etc.

He sounds absolutely vile.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 19/12/2021 08:28

Yes sorry OP but go back to work and get rid of your partner. He's horrible.

AppleKatie · 19/12/2021 08:36

The way he is speaking to you is disgusting, the fault is his and his alone.

Your child needs to you to get away from him as quickly and safely as possible.

Squeezita · 19/12/2021 08:41

My baby absolutely adores him and sobs when he goes to work. Even though I am unhappy with how I'm being belittled, I don't want her not to have her dad around because I can't cope with it.

No, she doesn’t ‘absolutely adore him’, she absolutely adores you, her mum who actually takes care of her.

My baby niece would sob when I went home after a visit, it doesn’t mean she can’t live without me. Don’t use this as a reason/excuse to stay with an abusive man. And he is abusive.

What is your support network like, are your family near? Whose name is the flat in?

BarryTheKestrel · 19/12/2021 08:44

In later years your child will thank you for getting rid of her deadbeat dad and having some respect for yourself now.

He adds absolutely nothing to your life other than more hard work. He is controlling and abusive. The example you set to your daughter by staying is that it is acceptable and expected to be treated like a slave. She will gain nothing but trauma from having a father around that is so deeply uninterested in her and has such hideous views of her mother.

Run. Please. If not for you, for your daughter. I speak from experience.

gingerbiscuits · 19/12/2021 08:52

@WWTBCD

Your partner is a cunt and he's the problem. Work or don't but definitely get rid of him.

100% agree! Whatever you do, staying with this waste of oxygen will not end well.

crosbystillsandmash · 19/12/2021 08:56

You run him a bath?!!

Dh used to come in the front door from work, be handed two tired, difficult children and I'd go and have a soak in the bath!!

Please don't think the way he treats you is ok

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 19/12/2021 08:57

I would've moved back in with my parents long ago. I won't spend my life being insulted by the person who's supposed to care for me the most. And I won't let my daughter grow up thinking that's the treatment to expect from her dh

JacquelineCarlyle · 19/12/2021 09:19

@WWTBCD

Your partner is a cunt and he's the problem. Work or don't but definitely get rid of him.

This!

JustWonderingIfYou · 19/12/2021 09:22

He's awful!

I'd normally say stay at home and enjoy baby at any cost but go back tonwork and leave him.

Is this a life you'd want for your daughter? Would you let her be treated like this in the future?

Fidgetty · 19/12/2021 09:32

Awful... you're a servant to a cruel selfish man I was a SAHM until my DC reached school age and there was no way on earth I was running baths and laying out clothes for a grown arse man. That's lunacy OP. You need to leave this pig. He is using your situation to exploit and belittle you - that's not love I'm afraid. This is a horrible relationship dynamic. Starting getting your exit plan in order behind the scenes. Don't tell him until you're ready to leave.

Newestname002 · 19/12/2021 09:33

Sorry @TiredGirlMom

I agree with PPs. Do please look for your own job ASAP, arrange childcare for your baby and, for your own self respect and future mental health, LEAVE this awful man who seems to think he has you trapped now, and so can treat you how he wishes. Maybe move in with family if that's possible so you can get some support and validation there too.

Life's too precious to live it with someone like this. 🌹

fibrecruncher · 19/12/2021 09:57

Dear OP this is abusive behavior. I am so sorry you are being treated this way. I can't imagine things will get better based on what you have said. Perhaps give a call to refuge and get some advice:

Women can call The Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge on 0808 2000 247 for free at any time, day or night. The staff will offer confidential, non-judgemental information and support

spottedbadger · 19/12/2021 10:08

He should be running you a bath Looking after a baby full time is hard work and it’s as valuable a contribution as employment. He should be making sure that you get downtime and sharing parental duties after work and on weekends. His behaviour is abusive and it sounds like the start of coercive control. It’s really not right. There are a number of organisations who deal with domestic abuse, please reach out and get help. They are better equipped to advise on how to nip this abusive bullshit in the bud. You are not doing your child any favours by staying with an abusive partner either, no matter how she adores him - it will have a hugely damaging impact on her in the long term.

NandorTheRelentless · 19/12/2021 10:12

I don't want her not to have her dad around because I can't cope with it.

Better her mother stays with an abuser then?

No, it's really not.

You know its not right, that why you posted here. Even if you thought you were posting about something else.

You deserve so much more and so does your dd

Totalwasteofpaper · 19/12/2021 10:16

100% go back to work.

Insist on childcare coming out of joint account. Ie you don't pay for all of it he pays AT LEAST half if not more (proportional to salaries)

Lie about what you are earning if you can and even if you can't make sure you save some £££ in a separate (secret) account.

Trust me, at some point you are going to need it.

CJsGoldfish · 19/12/2021 10:18

Even though I am unhappy with how I'm being belittled, I don't want her not to have her dad around because I can't cope with it
Would you rather teach her that this is how women should expect to be treated?
Don't make 'this' her normal, that's not fair.

ChrimboGateauxCatto · 19/12/2021 10:21

This is abuse. He is abusive. Your baby probably cries when he goes to work for other reasons than adoring him. Read about coercive control. Each out to a charity that supports women who want to leave abusive partners. Women's aid In the UK are good. He checks your phone FFS. If you can think about getting a burner/cheap simple mobile and think very carefully where you can hide it.

You will read this thinking we are all over reacting. We aren't.

Cupcakeschocolate · 19/12/2021 10:25

Have you got family you can go and stay with? Do you own or rent the apartment?

I would if possible stay with family. Find yourself a job if possible and start saving for a future for you and little one. It won't be easy but you need to get out of that he'll hole. He won't change. Even if you get a job, if you earn less than him he will then say you don't earn enough, etc. It won't stop

MushMonster · 19/12/2021 10:26

You are doing a great job OP.
And being very very considerate of him by making him food and getting him clothes, and a bath ready?
I would have loved to get a fraction of this when I was the bread winner and I was exhausted when I got home!
The problem is HIM.
He does not sound like a partner you should keep OP, sorry.
You should think of getting back to work so you can make a living on your own, and live on your own with your baby, because this man will just drag you down and tear you to pieces whatever you do.

JSL52 · 19/12/2021 10:42

I'd try and leave even if I had to be on benefits until I got a job.
Whatever job you got he would still criticise, he wouldn't pay his share of childcare , he'd say you didn't earn enough and he'd still make you do everything with the baby.

Can you imagine him doing any night feeds ?

Would you be scared to just go out for the day and leave him to it ?

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