Should I stay or should I go (back to work)?

[TiredGirlMom]

I had my first baby 9 months ago. With COVID lockdowns I was in and out of work as my employer was non-essential. So during my pregnancy I worked 5 out of the 9 months. Then I was laid off right before my baby was due.

Once our baby was born my partner and I agreed that it was best if I didn't go looking for work and stayed at home with baby for an extended time. I cook, clean, do the clothes washing, look after baby, make my partner lunch and when he comes in from work I have a bath run, a sandwich, a glass of water and clean clothes ready for him.

My partner has recently started making comments like 'You're lazy', 'You don't work so you don't deserve this or that', 'You don't do anything but sit on you're phone, looking after a baby is easy'. I do everything for her, he doesn't change nappies, wash her, feed her or change clothes. I've tried to get him to spend a day doing everything I do to see it's not easy and he said no.

A number of days ago the baby wasn't well and kept waking during the night I did my best to calm baby as quickly as possible so he got his sleep. He told me I wasn't quick enough and that I was useless. Then when I remarked that I hadn't slept at all yet and he had a few hours already he said that I hadn't 'earned sleep'.

I'm feeling really worn down. I have no time for myself. I rarely get a bath or shower just a quick rinse whereas he gets a long bath every day. I am running on very little sleep. I spend my whole day with my baby and he told me the weekend was his rest time and not to bother him as he was the 'worker'. And he has asked to see my screen time on my phone daily to prove I'm not sitting on my phone all day.

I don't know what to do. I enjoy being with my baby seeing all the new achievements every day and I don't want to put baby in daycare but I'm also tired of being put down, should I go back to work? Or am I being unreasonable as the stay at home mom is this just how it should be? I thought being a parent was for both mother and father but I do understand that he is working too. I don't expect him to do everything but he seems to think he shouldn't do anything when he gets home. The most I get is him to play with her for a half hour, even if I try have a bath or relax to myself in this time it's disrupted after that half hour and rushed by him telling me baby needs this or that.

Some advice would be appreciated.

Leave the abusive arsehole and go back to work.

But do you want her to grow up listening to her father disrespect her mother? Do you want her to think this is what adult relationships look like? Do you think he will speak to her with kindness and respect when she is a teenage girl and not a sweet little toddler?
If you won’t leave for yourself, then do it for her. Men like him do not change.

Oh please OP, her “Dad” does fuck all for her.

Get an evening job so he finds out how it feels looking after a little one

Go back to work, ditch the ‘D’P, you’ll be much happier without him belittling everything you do

Are you mad?

, make my partner lunch and when he comes in from work I have a bath run, a sandwich, a glass of water and clean clothes ready for him.

He is an adult
He can do those things

Yes you do need to go back to work, because you refer to him as partner and in any case you may be a single parent at some point.

But I really cannot get over the bit I read about you getting clean clothes ready for him. Who on earth gets clean clothes ready for another adult? I bet there is no man on the planet that gets clean clothes ready for a woman. Just stop it.

@WWTBCD

Your partner is a cunt and he's the problem. Work or don't but definitely get rid of him.

This. 👆

He's a selfish prick and I assure you, that is never going to change. He definitely means every word he is saying and genuinely believes that you don't deserve any time to yourself. You're basically not even a person anymore, LTB before it's too late. Wishing you all the best in the world, OP. Head up mama x

He is abusing you. He is not acting as a dad. This is not normal.

And it's not normal how little value you place on yourself. You're worth more than being some man's dogsbody.

Please consider speaking to Women's Aid or doing the Freedom Programme. And definitely get back to work.

Your child witnessing an abusive relationship is more damaging than being a single parent. You would be mad to stay with him.

@LittleOwl153 the baby is your responsibility as you're the mother... the amount of times I've heard this line since DC was born is ridiculous. I'm in the same boat as you, OP. I'm just further along (DC is almost 3) so I'm pretty used to it now and just block him out. I know that I need to get rid but have other issues at the moment that mean I can't just up and leave. But luckily, this is my property and it's in my name. I plan to ask him to leave but waiting until after Christmas for DC's sake. But I'm totally done. Time to get your big girl pants on and do what's for both yourself and DC. They will grow up witnessing this selfish behaviour from your DH and think it's normal. Act fast or pay the consequences at a later date. The choice is entirely yours. Again, best of luck and sending you virtual hugs

It is a no brainer, you go back to work straight away!

For the following reasons:

• the more you stay off work the more unlikely you can get another job, particularly if you had a professional job

• this guy is NOT going to be there for you. His behaviour is evidence that he doesn’t value your contribution and would leave you holding the baby if the opportunity presents itself

• For the sake of your relationship. if you are working you can leave, and if you can leave, you don’t put up with this shit. Simple as that, it restores the balance of power in the relationship.

• It is unwise to depend on a single income once you have children, what if he is fired, gets ill, leaves or dies?

-And most importantly, for your own mental health. When you have small children the only realistic opportunity to have time to be yourself and socialise regularly may be at work. I honestly felt rested after a heavy day at work because it was never that busy or as dull as running after a toddler day in day out. It also made the days I spent with my kid far more special as we would do nice activities and had the money to afford them (before it was Groundhog Day most of the week)

@ftw163532 * He is abusing you. He is not acting as a dad. This is not normal.

And it's not normal how little value you place on yourself. You're worth more than being some man's dogsbody. *

This. 😩🙌

@WWTBCD

Your partner is a cunt and he's the problem. Work or don't but definitely get rid of him.

This in spades. And this too... Stop doing anything for him. Stop running baths, making lunch etc. Stop doing his washing. He's being pathetic!

You are not his fucking slave. I'd add in clearing anything up after him, do absolutely nothing for him. Not even a cup of tea.

If you supposedly "do nothing" then make it clear these tasks are also nothing so it won't take him any effort to do them. Just take care of yourself and your baby.

But before you boot him to the kerb get back to work so you have your own income. You'll be in a better position to support your baby. Build up a savings account. If you aren't married you will not be able to claim much apart from anything you own and some child maintenance when you separate. But that does mean your savings are your own so build them up. Don't put your earnings into a joint account. And speak to friends or family you can trust. You'll find people to give you moral and practical support in your new freedom.

From the outside looking in it seems that he has leapt at the chance to get you in a vulnerable position so he can mistreat you without fear of you leaving him.

This is not normal for a sahm. Neither is the running baths and checking your phone. Honestly, I was a sahm for 10 years and if my dh had tried this shit I’d have laughed him out of the house. I also bought the things I needed for myself because we were a team and I earned it.

Please know that you are not lazy or useless, you are a fucking hero who deserves better than this lazy fucker. Please don’t stay with this abuser.

Everytime he leaves the house and leaves you alone with the baby you are 'earning' equally to him, as he would not be able to do what he does without you taking his share of the responsibilities if your child. You earn as much as he does and should not be made to feel guilty at spending ANYTHING.

Stop feeling that you child deserves and abusive father in her space more than she deserves a mentally well mother. He abuses you, that does not make him a good father for her. A good father takes care of the child and ensures their mother is taken care of. More so when the child is a baby and dependant on the mother. Not this nasty belittling crap. How old is she going to be before he starts on her - or she starts on you because her father has shown her its OK?

And the checking the phone stuff is just weird and creepy....

The man in your life is a total tosser.

I refuse to call him a partner because he isn't.

His behaviour is abusive, it will only get worse. Leave now while you have the strength to do so.

@LittleOwl153

Everytime he leaves the house and leaves you alone with the baby you are 'earning' equally to him, as he would not be able to do what he does without you taking his share of the responsibilities if your child. You earn as much as he does and should not be made to feel guilty at spending ANYTHING.

Stop feeling that you child deserves and abusive father in her space more than she deserves a mentally well mother. He abuses you, that does not make him a good father for her. A good father takes care of the child and ensures their mother is taken care of. More so when the child is a baby and dependant on the mother. Not this nasty belittling crap. How old is she going to be before he starts on her - or she starts on you because her father has shown her its OK?

And the checking the phone stuff is just weird and creepy....

Sorry your first statement is simply not true, especially if they both worked and paid for childcare. This is why it’s so important to women to maintain their financial independence and split the childcare cost.

Get back to work, job market is good now, the sooner you start the sooner you can get to 2 years and be protected as an employee and have the freedom to ditch the twat now he has shown you who he is

@TiredGirlMom

We are not married and have a small apartment. I really don't mind doing my daily chores and looking after baby, it's just the constant belittling of what I do that's getting me down. Financially, he doesn't say anything but I'm conscious so I don't buy anything for myself only the baby. He never buys me anything, bar for my birthday he got me some clothes and a phone. But he does make sure he gets anything he needs or wants.

My baby absolutely adores him and sobs when he goes to work. Even though I am unhappy with how I'm being belittled, I don't want her not to have her dad around because I can't cope with it.

So she will watch as her father belittles and abuses her mother?

Please think again.

And go back to work so you can afford to leave.

OK- being harassed into leaving someone isn't helpful if that's not what you want to do.

What you could do is organise some nursery visits, and get some information about how much they cost.

And also start looking for jobs.

Then sit him down with all the information and say, you're comments about me being lazy have made me reconsider whether being a SAHM is for me. I feel very under appreciated.

So here are some jobs and salaries and here is how much full time childcare will cost. You will need to pay XYZ and I will expect 50% contribution with picking DD up and dropping her off and all household tasks, cooking and childcare, I will also no longer be running your baths.

Sit back and see what his reaction is to that....I bet he changes his tune pretty quick ;-)

@AliceW89

Do you have family support? My advice would be to leave this abusive, selfish man and look for your own income. Are you married?

This is what I was thinking.

OP, your partner has no respect for you. Do not put up with it a moment longer and get out now.

To put it bluntly, dump the wanker, he sounds like all he wants you for is to be his servant. He has no respect for you whatsoever, he expects to give you crumbs & you be grateful for them. Start jobhunting ASAP & get financial independence & get rid, you are better off without him, make sure you go to CSA & get full maintenance.

I seriously hope this is a wind up. If its true then please just read your post back to yourself . You run him a bath and get him a glass of water when he comes home from work ???? are we living in the 17th century here?

Please dont put up with this, you deserve more than this .