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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need to make a decision on overseas wedding ASAP.

62 replies

NYResolutions2022 · 17/12/2021 13:21

I need to make a final decision on my SIL's overseas wedding as invitations are in the post.

In a nutshell, I don't want to go, nor send my DC, but am happy for my DH to go alone, which he says he will. There will be a massive fallout though as my SIL and MIL/ FIL will see it as a massive snub.

My reasons are thus. I do not have a positive relationship with my SIL. I tried to be friendly with her for many years and have been extremely generous with her many, many times, only to be treated with constant indifference. I seemed to be a massive threat that caused upset and drew attention away from her WRT her parents and extended family and she acted like a spoilt brat many times. As a mature woman, she still acts like this. MIL is her no.1 enabler.

SIL has never once spent any time with my DC, helped us out when we needed help, has never bought me or my DC a gift, despite our generosity to her. She has deep pockets and short arms and any £ directed away from her, means she has less to spend on her self indulgent self.

My DH doesn't want to go, but says he is because his mum will get upset. I don't want to and I don't want to send my DC either. In their words, they wouldn't know her if she walked past them in the street.

I'm pretty sure there will be a nuclear fallout as this is a huge loss of face, which they are very big on. I just feel that she is not in our lives, she has had enough money out of me, has never lifted a finger to do anything for us, but expects loads back and she is a massive shit stirrer WRT me and PIL.

My DH says that she just doesn't think and she doesn't realise that it is massively inconvenient and costs a lot of money which people don't have. She just sees what she wants and can't see anything else.

I just feel that I am a middle aged woman now and I shouldn't have to pussyfoot and pander to immature relatives anymore nor spend time with people, just because we are related to them.

I need to make a decision ASAP and be able to articulate it to minimise the wrath. I know I am not going, but I don't want to send my DC either and need a reason. I also need a mature, calm line to tell them why we are not going. I can't use the money one as we can afford it, but at the expense of other things, which they will think is not an excuse as it is "SIL"

OP posts:
funnelfanjo · 17/12/2021 13:25

covid
work
school
prior commitments

rifling · 17/12/2021 13:25

Where is it?

Pieminster · 17/12/2021 13:26

Dear SIL, I don't want myself of our children to get Covid so we aren't coming to your wedding, love OP

Dozer · 17/12/2021 13:27

No brainer!

Your DH can handle MIL and SIL.

Dozer · 17/12/2021 13:28

The words DH uses to communicate that he alone will attend are unlikely to make much of a difference as regards his relatives’ reaction.

KnottyKnitting · 17/12/2021 13:29

Problem is that people enable this behaviour. It's like pussy footing round a toddler so as to prevent a tantrum. I would seriously give up with her. Stop the gifts/ spending money on her and say you just can't afford to all go. Send DH and let him deal with the fallout- his family, his problem.

Life's too short to spend time with people who make your life miserable!

happychristmasbum · 17/12/2021 13:29

YANBU. I definitely wouldn't go.

I am sure other mumsnetters will come up with some excellent excuses for you Smile

I would just say I didn't want to, which doesn't sound like an option for you.

Sausagedogsarethebest · 17/12/2021 13:30

Your SIL is brave, booking an overseas destination for a wedding in the current Covid climate.

Has she booked it during a school holiday period? If not then that's the easiest excuse - you can say kids can't be out of school.

rookiemere · 17/12/2021 13:31

Helpful to know when and where it is, but in any case I don't think it would be unreasonable to say you're not going because of ongoing travel uncertainty and not wanting to plan or pay for foreign travel at the moment.
Even if you can afford it - and I know what you mean as technically if the scenario arose we'd be in the same position- you can still use cost or your DH can. If it costs £5000 for all of you to go, that's money that could be used for a proper family holiday in a location of your own choosing,or put towards your retirement.

ToughTittyWhompus · 17/12/2021 13:32

“Because I don’t fucking want to”

May as well, whatever you say will be wrong.

caketiger · 17/12/2021 13:34

Money. Travel uncertainty.

fruitbrewhaha · 17/12/2021 13:36

Could you 'already' have something on that day? Oh dear we have already booked a week away somewhere! Or tickets to something?

Or if you think the fall out will be massive anyway just tell her she's a cunt and you're not going.

thepeopleversuswork · 17/12/2021 13:36

Can't you use COVID as an excuse? It's absolutely cast iron

itwasntaparty · 17/12/2021 13:38

Where is it and when?

InTheLabyrinth · 17/12/2021 13:40

The kids and I didn't go to BiLs wedding.
It was in term time. Any clashes in dates?

Blossom64265 · 17/12/2021 13:40

The appropriate response is dependent on whether or not the destination happens to be the home country of the groom or other bride. If the wedding is overseas simply because it’s the only way her beloved’s family can realistically attend, this is a much different situation than a couple who have planned an overseas wedding during a pandemic.

Muthalucka · 17/12/2021 13:42

Hmmm it’s a hard one. Maybe do it for your husband not your sil

Original poster
NYResolutions2022 · 17/12/2021 13:46

Trying not to out myself here, but it is in the summer holidays 2022 and on an island in the med. It is no ones home country.

My MIL has said that both she and SIL know that it is inconvenient, a lot of money, there is a pandemic on, that we could lose money, that it is not somewhere we should go on holiday normally, but we will all have a lovely time and it is what SIL wants.

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 17/12/2021 13:48

@ToughTittyWhompus

“Because I don’t fucking want to”

May as well, whatever you say will be wrong.

Yip!
underneaththeash · 17/12/2021 13:49

If your DH wants to kids to go, he should take them.
Stop helping her out though.

TheSoapyFrog · 17/12/2021 13:50

Nah I wouldn't go either.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 17/12/2021 13:57

Nope...
You have major worries about covid Op... Don't you Grin

givethatbabyaname · 17/12/2021 13:59

I have a SIL exactly like this. She also can’t see beyond the end of her nose. She’s not enabled by PILs to the extent you’re describing, they kind of know she’s a self-centered brat, but they supplement her extravagant lifestyle because they feel bad she’s still single when all of her friends and siblings have families of their own. SIL also has a good enough relationship with my DC. It’s fair and reasonable, in the circumstances.

I too am now a middle aged woman who’s done with pandering to her, to having to celebrate holidays and birthdays and plan vacations around her foot stomping and constant reminders that she’s not less of a person because she doesn’t have kids (but clearly I am because I do Hmm). She has no idea that parents are limited in their choices by virtue of schooling and other child-based obligations and necessities, that I’m not just getting what I personally want for myself (as if!). I also know that if/when she does marry and have her own DC, the myopia will ramp up beyond anything anyone can handle, that she and her DC will be the ones everyone will have to accommodate at all times. Thankfully, by then my DC will be old enough to have minds of their own.

All to say that I’ve recently decided that pissing her off = pissing off PILs. They’re all adults, and they choose to be enmeshed like this. Entirely up to them, nothing to do with me. But, if i choose not to pander to SIL I have to take the huffing and puffing from PIL as part of the package. Turns out I only needed to do it twice before they got where I was coming from. My relationship with PILs is constant and largely centered around my DC/their DGC. Nothing has changed on that front. If, in the rest of their lives outside of the DC, they choose to do things I’m not interested in - so be it. And if I have to choose between SIL and my DC, of course I will put my DC first. EXCEPT for one-off things like weddings….

In your shoes, I wouldn’t go. But if DH can take the DC himself, let him (assuming it doesn’t interfere with school etc). They’re his DC, her nephews/nieces, PIL’s DGC too, and a wedding is a one-off. Keep costs low because you have your own commitments. You can’t not go because of costs because you CAN afford it. But don’t spend so much that your own family holiday is jeopardised. When they ask why you’re not there, just say you weren’t able to make it: much more expensive for four than for three, other commitments, using the opportunity of DC away to get other important things done etc. You don’t need to hide that she’s not your priority. She isn’t. They just don’t like that she isn’t. And they do need to be told, otherwise this will ripple down to her DC eventually, who you will be expected to buy gifts for and attend birthday presents for when she couldn’t identify your DC in a line up.

Don’t let yourself me taken for a fool. But a wedding is a wedding, her DH will be a part of your family soon.

MorningNinja · 17/12/2021 14:01

How old are your DCs?

Does your DH want them to go with him? Do they want a holiday with their DF?

I think the decision for you to go should be one that you decide, but as for the DCs, it's a discussion that you'd have to discuss with your DH.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2021 14:03

Why are you even questioning your decision? Of course you don't go, "fallout" be damned. How your in-laws react is their problem. There's no way I would go.