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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Need to make a decision on overseas wedding ASAP.

62 replies

NYResolutions2022 · 17/12/2021 13:21

I need to make a final decision on my SIL's overseas wedding as invitations are in the post.

In a nutshell, I don't want to go, nor send my DC, but am happy for my DH to go alone, which he says he will. There will be a massive fallout though as my SIL and MIL/ FIL will see it as a massive snub.

My reasons are thus. I do not have a positive relationship with my SIL. I tried to be friendly with her for many years and have been extremely generous with her many, many times, only to be treated with constant indifference. I seemed to be a massive threat that caused upset and drew attention away from her WRT her parents and extended family and she acted like a spoilt brat many times. As a mature woman, she still acts like this. MIL is her no.1 enabler.

SIL has never once spent any time with my DC, helped us out when we needed help, has never bought me or my DC a gift, despite our generosity to her. She has deep pockets and short arms and any £ directed away from her, means she has less to spend on her self indulgent self.

My DH doesn't want to go, but says he is because his mum will get upset. I don't want to and I don't want to send my DC either. In their words, they wouldn't know her if she walked past them in the street.

I'm pretty sure there will be a nuclear fallout as this is a huge loss of face, which they are very big on. I just feel that she is not in our lives, she has had enough money out of me, has never lifted a finger to do anything for us, but expects loads back and she is a massive shit stirrer WRT me and PIL.

My DH says that she just doesn't think and she doesn't realise that it is massively inconvenient and costs a lot of money which people don't have. She just sees what she wants and can't see anything else.

I just feel that I am a middle aged woman now and I shouldn't have to pussyfoot and pander to immature relatives anymore nor spend time with people, just because we are related to them.

I need to make a decision ASAP and be able to articulate it to minimise the wrath. I know I am not going, but I don't want to send my DC either and need a reason. I also need a mature, calm line to tell them why we are not going. I can't use the money one as we can afford it, but at the expense of other things, which they will think is not an excuse as it is "SIL"

OP posts:

tara66 · 17/12/2021 14:03

Tell her you won't be making any arrangements for next year because the Covid situation makes everything especially foreign travel very uncertain indeed as with France as from tomorrow - no none French nationals or residents allowed there from Britain.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 17/12/2021 14:14

If you don't want to go, don't go.

How old are your dc? Are they old enough to decide if they want to go or not, does your dh want to take them?

In your shoes I'd simply say you won't be going and the answers to the above questions would depend on if the dc went or not.

Original poster

NYResolutions2022 · 17/12/2021 14:26

My DC are all late teens and they don't want to go because a) they don't know her very well and b) they won't be able to go on a holiday they want to go on as a result.

My concern is the emotional blackmail to my DC and DH which my MIL has massive form for. I've seen her pul them aside on their own many times and say "GM/ SIL is upset because you don't want to do XXXX". If you are a kid, it is hard to stand up to her if she has you by the elbow and she is saying this to your face.

OP posts:

Blossom64265 · 17/12/2021 14:28

No one’s home country?

Neither I nor my children will be risking the trip during a pandemic.

SummerInSun · 17/12/2021 14:28

I actually disagree with most PP. Even if you don't like SIL, it's a very important family event. Confronting your PIL with just how badly you all get on in relation to an occasion that should be a source of joy and celebration is churlish and childish. This is not the time to try to teach your SIL what you think of her behaviour, especially if your PIL's feelings will be collateral damage. You should be the gracious one here.

If you genuinely can't afford it, of course, that's entirely different and you can say "really sorry and if it was it the U.K. of course we'd all come, but we can't afford it, however we'll juggle the budget so at least DH can be there".

funnelfanjo · 17/12/2021 14:29

Look, if you're worried there will be drama if you don't go, then you don't have to get involved in the drama either. I had someone dramatic and emotive in the extended family, they soon stopped trying to suck me in after my responses were all along the lines of "oh dear, what a shame" and "hope you have a lovely time" as appropriate to the situation.

2bazookas · 17/12/2021 14:29

Trust yourself and follow your gut instinct and heart. They are telling you not to go.

Let DH go. And let DH explain to his family why you didn't.

Dozer · 17/12/2021 14:30

Teen DC with parental support are well able to handle stuff like that, and talking about it is a useful life lesson for them! (I had lots of dysfunctional older relatives so speak from experience!)

Original poster

NYResolutions2022 · 17/12/2021 14:32

Maybe do it for your husband not your sil

But Mutha, I have been taking one for the team for the whole time. I am tired of it. I think also my stance now on this is because my DC are older and I no longer feel I have to tow the line and keep my mouth shut for the sake of harmony like you sometimes feel you have to do when you have a young family.

I feel like if I give into this, then that is it. I will be doing it for the rest of my life. It is now or never to say, actually you bring nothing to the table here, and I am no longer willing to do this.

OP posts:

Doubledoorsontogarden · 17/12/2021 14:33

Summerinsun I’m with you on this one, I would go, just me and DH. It’s a family wedding. Late teens DC can make their own mind up.

averythinline · 17/12/2021 14:54

I'm with team just say NO especially if there is spmething else the teens want to do instead.... as you say now is your chance to set yourself free I would be simple and get DH to accept on behalf of himself and if asked just say your not coming...

Whilst relationships are not necessarily contracts I do think that you do get back to a certain extent what you put in - she has not invested any time/care/thought into her relationship with you/DC so why would you? actions seak louder than words is advice often given here,,,

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2021 15:04

Instead of enabling your in-laws and pandering to their nonsense, why don't you empower your children to ignore this blatant manipulation? They are old enough to learn how to manage toxic people on their own.

immersivereader · 17/12/2021 15:24

Lol, not a feckin chance

Bookworm20 · 17/12/2021 15:25

that it is not somewhere we should go on holiday normally

Why not? Is it dangerous there? Could you use that reason if so? The DC are really uncomfortable with that country because of xyz etc

If DC are teens could they perhaps have already committed to holidays with friends at that exact time?

DC are refusing to travel during a pandemic, teenagers hey, what can you do MIL?

Do you work? Work are reshuffling everything and no ones allowed time off at that time, so you can't make the wedding.

Failing that I would just say due to the current state of the world and still being in a pandemic you will not be booking anything, as you are not risking that sort of money if things get worse and you need to cancel. You'll try and make it but considering the bloody pandemic you cannot commit.

Or just say you are all going, Don;t book anything, and then you and the DC all come down with a horrific flu 2 days before you should be travelling. Dh can then either stay home as he needs to 'look after you all' or he can go and make sure everyone knows how sorry you are, how worried he is for you all and that it was a big big deal for him to be there for selfish in law his ds

invisiblereally · 17/12/2021 15:56

Ask DCs

They say no, then there's your answer . You and DCs can't go.

DH decides what he wants to do as it's his sister.

I don't blame you if none of you go, it's risk people take when they arrange wedding abroad, a ridiculous time in pandemic years to do so. SIL is horrible putting pressure on as most people wouldn't be able to afford to attend this.

LethargicActress · 17/12/2021 16:03

Think about the holiday you and your dc actually want to go on, book it quick, and use that as your reason for not going. Even if they don’t believe you, it gives you something to say on repeat when they ask. It’s outrageous that they guilt trip your dc, and I wouldn’t care if they felt snubbed for that reason.

Justmuddlingalong · 17/12/2021 16:09

If you don't go, perfectly understandable, there'll be fallout. So don't make up an excuse. You and they will know it's just that, an excuse. Tell the truth and shame the devil. 😈

Restart10 · 17/12/2021 16:17

Honestly why are you so scared of upsetting these people??? They clearly don't afford you or your DC the same ?
So what if there is a fallout, they don't like you or pay that much attention to your DC in any case. What a waste of money to be spending on people who you are trying to please. Just say unfortunately you and DC can't and don't open yourself up to explaining away.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/12/2021 16:25

Surely covid is a good enough reason?

Mummy1608 · 17/12/2021 16:41

"No thank you"

senua · 17/12/2021 16:52

My MIL has said that both she and SIL know that it is inconvenient, a lot of money, there is a pandemic on, that we could lose money, that it is not somewhere we should go on holiday normally
Don't go. If SIL knowingly chooses a venue that is inconvenient then she shouldn't be surprised if people don't attend.
Will it be one of those weddings where, as people drop out, the fewer and fewer remaining guests pick up a bigger and bigger tab?
Don't go. Blame Covid.

senua · 17/12/2021 16:57

In fact, get your excuse in early. The more other people decline, the more pressure there will be from the in-laws for you to go.
Be one of the first to say 'no'.

Gerwurtztraminer · 17/12/2021 19:14

My DC are all late teens
So adults or near about. So they get to choose all by themselves and no pressure from you or your DH either way. In fact they can tell her themselves - a good life lesson in self assertiveness.

And I would just say you aren't going. 'I don't want to' is a reason.

So SiL is offended. Too bad, you don't want to spend time with her anyway. MiL will get over it. Or not. Do you really care that much.

RampantIvy · 17/12/2021 19:30

I absolutely refuse to allow anyone to guilt trip me into spending money on a holiday I don't want to go on, to a wedding I don't want to go to.

Just say you aren't going and don't explain. As for the fall out can't you avoid it and ignore them for a while?

Ispini · 18/12/2021 01:10

Seriously tell her to do one through your DH. You don’t get on with her, your kids don’t either and don’t want to go, it’s a no brainer.
I have a SIL I don’t get on with, her kids are dreadful and my DH just catches up with her now and again. She lived off us for three months when she relocated here and they were horrible. Never again.
Life is too short OP to put up with ars**oles.

Bin her!

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