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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to cash the cheque

51 replies

Squashpocket · 17/12/2021 11:56

A much loved relative has sent me a cheque for £60 to buy a Christmas present each for my dc (5 & 3). I am very grateful for it, but I'm thinking of not cashing it.

  1. Relative lives alone and is on a low income (state pension), we are comfortably off.
  1. £60 is way too much - I'd never spend more than £10/£15 per gift anyway. I could put the leftover money in their savings account, but they don't need it. She does.

We will see her at Xmas so she wants me to get something for the kids to unwrap from her. I'm thinking I'll buy something and quietly not cash the cheque.

AIBU? I don't want to offend her, but it doesn't sit right to take the money. What would you do?

OP posts:
winnieanddaisy · 17/12/2021 11:57

I think that I would do as you suggest .

BarbaraofSeville · 17/12/2021 12:02

That's fair enough, but she will probably notice and it will probably cause her inconvenience because she'll not know that's what you're doing and she'll have to leave the £60 in her bank account in expectation of the cheque being cashed.

You could cash the cheque but then give her a supermarket voucher as part of the gift and say you got a load from work as a bonus so are sharing them out as you don't normally use that supermarket?

SalmonEile · 17/12/2021 12:07

I think if she’s on a low income and money is tight it might stress her out not to cash it,
She’ll be watching her account and budgeting accordingly and waiting for you to cash it.

I think id either be honest depending on how close you are to her and say you can’t accept as it’s too much or do as a PP suggests and buy her a voucher of some sort
She may have a had a windfall or saved money this year

ChangeChingyChange · 17/12/2021 12:11

How rude, absolutely cash it. Imagine how offended you'd feel if it was the other way around "Oh I didn't cash your cheque because you've got 2 young kids so I assumed you can't really afford it". Sorry YABU I'm sure the relative considered their financial situation before writing the cheque.

dancemom · 17/12/2021 12:16

Cash the cheque, buy something around £10 each for the kids, return the £40 to her at Christmas

BellaTheDarkOverlord · 17/12/2021 12:17

Could you perhaps cash it and buy presents with like £30 of it and "gift" her the rest in an Xmas card?? That way you're giving her it back but she doesn't know it's the same money Smile

ArblemarzipanTFruitcake · 17/12/2021 12:20

I agree she will likely be watching for the cheque to go out and will be inconvenienced and perhaps hurt if it doesn't.

Could you perhaps buy her a present that will save her money - such as a food hamper that will save her a grocery shop?

Sprig1 · 17/12/2021 12:22

I would cash it and buy the presents. It sounds like they are a v generous person and would get much joy out of the situation. They are an adult and it's their decision if they can afford it or not. Maybe early next year have a discussion about the amount and suggest £10 per child next year.

redtshirt50 · 17/12/2021 12:31

The relative presumably gave so much because they want to see the kids open something they love and it will bring them joy to see them happy - so I would spend the £60 and get the kids something they will really like.

And then as a thank you, I would make sure I get the relative a thoughtful gift back that will help them if money is tight in January?

2bazookas · 17/12/2021 12:38

If she is hard up then she will keep a beady eye on her account and notice you haven't cashed it; then she will worry.

I think you have to cash it and use the money to buy the children something nice with it to let her have the pleasure of watching them unwrap. You can't really take that away from her, and nor can you judge how much it means to her to have that little extravagance this year of all years. These are uncertain times. Plenty of older people stuck in a pandemic are wondering if this might be their last Christmas ever , the last time they see the family, etc.

Your Christmas gift to her, is to let her thoroughly enjoy having a bit of a splurge on children she loves. Don't spoil it.

Don't worry about the future; she has decided not to.
If she survives and gets into financial difficulties in future, THEN as the more affluent family, you'll be able to rescue her .

stingofthebutterfly · 17/12/2021 12:39

If she couldn't afford it, she'd have sent less. Please don't insult her by assuming she doesn't have the money. I'd buy something to the value of £30 each, because if you spend less, there's a possibility of her finding out the value and wondering where the extra money has gone. Giving your children gifts probably brings her a huge amount of pleasure. Don't ruin it for her.

ArblemarzipanTFruitcake · 17/12/2021 12:47

If your relative is on SP she'll have had her winter fuel allowance - I think it's £200 - so it might have come out of that extra money. Not everyone needs it, e.g. if heating is included in rent.

2bazookas · 17/12/2021 12:49

@dancemom

Cash the cheque, buy something around £10 each for the kids, return the £40 to her at Christmas
NO!!!!!!!!

She wants them to have something special; please allow her that great pleasure.

At her age she is vulnerable to covid.

EVERY pensioner I know is thinking "this could be my very last Christmas. This could be the very last time I watch children unwrap presents. This could be the last gift the family get from me. IF I DIE this winter, which is quite on the cards, I want to be remembered for fun, pleasure and happiness."

We just haven't been telling you youngsters that. But we're all feeling it and thinking it.

Sp1ke3 · 17/12/2021 12:59

Please take the money. I have a relative who is quite badly off. Their one indulgence is buying gifts for others. They get immense pleasure from this and are very upset if we try to get them to tone it down.

5keletor · 17/12/2021 13:12

I agree with you in principle, but we have a relative who is not very well off and does struggle at times. They are the same when it comes to giving gifts to the kids in the family and would be so hurt if we did this to them. The last thing they want, as they have said to us countless times, is to be seen as "a charity case", and they do very much pride themselves on being independent and not relying on anyone else to get by.
We get round this by giving them practical gifts (e.g. a food hamper, nice toiletries, new slippers/pyjamas if needed) alongside the usual treat-type gift.

TorySteller · 17/12/2021 13:18

I would do as some pp have suggested. Buy your children something they’d love with the £60, then gift your relative a lovely food hamper or a voucher.

She will really get a lot of joy from seeing your DC open their presents.

Toplowlight · 17/12/2021 13:18

I don’t think you should leave her worrying about when you’re going to cash it. Either cash it or tell her you’re not going to.

CommanderBurnham · 17/12/2021 13:30

Could you spend a little on each of the children, then just be direct and say they didn't need too much this year, and give about £30 change??? Almost take the money a little too literally. Then say to her they don't need as much as they're getting older, they've got too many things?

That way she's bought them something and had the pleasure of opening the presents with them.

MyOtherProfile · 17/12/2021 13:34

It would be so rude not to spend it on your children. It's totally her choice. She could have been putting a quid a week away to save for this for all.you know. I'd be mortified if a relative returned my gift because they felt I couldn't afford it.

But then I would also make sure to buy her a lovely little hamper of treats.

caketiger · 17/12/2021 13:37

Buy small gifts and return her the difference in cash.

x2boys · 17/12/2021 14:09

I think it's a bit patronising not to cash it ,she might be in a low income ,but I'm sure she's budgeted for the £60 ,by all means give her a hamper or vouchers back but I wouldn't not cash the cheque .

x2boys · 17/12/2021 14:10

Please don't give her the change ,back I'm on a low income ,I would be really humiliated if somebody tried to give me money back from a gift .

Fatgalslim · 17/12/2021 14:15

Agree, she obviously knows what she can afford and could be very offended, plus she wants to spend that amount on your kids, it's not for you to say you're not spending that amount really

rainyskylight · 17/12/2021 14:17

I've read the other replies with interest.

could you, as a compromise, take the cheque but say that they get far too many gifts and you're trying to make sure they less things that they appreciate more rather than too many gifts or expensive ones getting lost amongst many many others. And then use half for Xmas and half for their birthdays so it's £15 for each present and she doesn't shell out twice?

Hemingwayscatz · 17/12/2021 14:20

I’d cash it because as others say, she’s probably leaving the money in there in anticipation and won’t know when she can withdraw it if you don’t let her know. I also think she may be offended if you reject it, you know as if you’re saying ‘you’re too poor to give us a gift this expensive so have it back’.