Not to cash the cheque

[Squashpocket]

A much loved relative has sent me a cheque for £60 to buy a Christmas present each for my dc (5 & 3). I am very grateful for it, but I'm thinking of not cashing it.

1. Relative lives alone and is on a low income (state pension), we are comfortably off.

1. £60 is way too much - I'd never spend more than £10/£15 per gift anyway. I could put the leftover money in their savings account, but they don't need it. She does.

We will see her at Xmas so she wants me to get something for the kids to unwrap from her. I'm thinking I'll buy something and quietly not cash the cheque.

AIBU? I don't want to offend her, but it doesn't sit right to take the money. What would you do?

It's so judgemental of you to assume she doesn't have the money, she may have been saving, or she may have had a windfall or anything really. Buy your children a gift and let her, and them enjoy it. It's none of your business really what she chooses to spend her money on.

Thank you everyone. I understand the perspective that it's her money to spend and it's nice to have the kids open something special.

I've had a think and decided to use the money to buy the kids something they want but something that will last, so we can point to it in the future and say 'relative got you that'.

For context, we don't see her very much these days due to distance, but she is my very favourite relative from childhood. She's one of those people who children just flock to and adore, so I know the dc will be enchanted by her at Xmas regardless of the present situation.

Cash the cheque. Send her photos or videos of your children choosing or playing with presents. Get them to write thank you letters. Send her a bunch of flowers to say thank you. All those things will give her a lot of pleasure.

Could you buy the children an inexpensive gift each and return the balance to her? Just say it was really what each wanted.

@Suzanne999

Could you buy the children an inexpensive gift each and return the balance to her? Just say it was really what each wanted.

The money wasn't for her, it was for her children and the relative wanted her to spend that amount on them.

That sounds like a good idea. It's awful being hard up, it's worse veing treated like a charity case.

How patronising to spend a small amount then try and return the balance to her, I’d be so embarrassed if someone made a financial judgement on my behalf and overrode my feelings because they thought they knew better

I agree to cash it, buy them something lovely but get her a nice gift back

Great @Squashpocket she sounds like a real gem! Xxx

If you can tell her your thought process that will be lovely OP. If you are telling her the fact that the gift will last any always remind your children of her which you’ll love because you love her that’s just really nice.

I think you've done the right thing OP. Particularly if you get something long lasting as you've said - you can take a pic of the children using it throughout the year and I'm sure she'd love to get that. As others said, it would be patronising just to assume she can't afford it. If she's coming to yours, maybe send her home with any excess food you "bought too much of " ("Oh please take it, we've already got 3 packs of mince pies..."etc.) or a voucher as others have said.

Think you’ve come to the right decision OP. Sending her cash back feels wrong

I'm liking the idea of sending her a hamper in the new year as a thank you. I love a good hamper and will give her treats she wouldn’t necessarily buy for herself

I’d get my kids dress up costumes I think so she can see them wearing them - mine loved those when they were younger and we have so many photos of cats and power rangers and ninja turtles celebrating Christmas Day with is 😂
Would also get something like an M and S voucher and small gift like ManS gloves - easy to swap or refund and useful as they go groceries as well as clothes.

Don't spend less than she's given you. That's terribly patronising.

Give the children gifts from her worth £60.

On the other hand, make sure you give her something with cash value, that she'll use. If she buys herself the occasional bottle of wine, buy her a case. If she semi-regularly buys herself treats from M&S food hall, get her some vouchers. That kind of thing.

Basically, give her the money back, but don't let her see you doing it.

Could you get them gifts worth £60 and then give her something generous in return? Maybe make up a decent hamper with things you know she'll use throughout the year - sauces, jams, drinks etc.

Definitely tell her if you’re not going to cash it.

This would stress me out if I was skint. Having to keep it in the bank, not knowing if it would be taken out any day.

One of my husband’s relatives gave us £30 for the birth of our daughter, they’re on a low income and it’s far too much. We bought a nice baby grow with it. We called and said we were very grateful, they absolutely didn’t need to and it’s far too much but we are so touched they wanted to treat DD. We sent a photo of DD in the baby grow with another thank you message and sent a hamper too. The relative would be mortified if they couldn’t buy something for DD. It’s a matter of pride for them.

Graciously accept the cash and ideally try to buy something that links with that person but still something your kids will like, so if the person is artsy try buying a craft set they would like.

Tell her the things dc really wanted were in the sales already so you put a little hamper together for her...

I agree with previous posters, she is being generous and it brings her joy. I think it would hurt her not to cash it and she’d know if you bought something cheap. Buy something lovely for the children, and get her a lovely gift in return.

From the other side, I save and budget hard to cover all gifts every year, down to the penny. My brother rejected money I gave him for his birthday because "my children need it more" and I was humiliated and felt terrible about it.

Accept it graciously. Unless she has form for giving money away frivolously then it's belittling to decide how she should spend her own money

Could you perhaps buy something for the children that they can unwrap with her when they see her and also create a day out voucher for when you are all able to get together again in the new year. For example arrange a date for all of you, my local garden centre does a small afternoon tea with cakes and pastries and there's a really nice play area so it's something you could all do but you'd be able to pay as a present for all of you iyswim

Buy her a hamper of grocery treats and spend the rest of the money on gifts for the children. Bring them to her house so she can watch the children unwrap them and they can thank her in person.
If your busy schedule can manage it, get the children to write or draw a thank-you card later and mail it to her.
Old ladies still like written thank you notes and old people in general like personal mail from family.

Buy the dc cheaper gifts then explain you managed to get a bargain money off, buy one get one free etc, thank you, here's your change

@Squashpocket I just want to say both you and your relative sound like lovely people and I hope you both have an amazing festive season

Cash the cheque, buy something and say thank you. Give her the change if there is any