So SO desperate - please please help! Need advice

[Beyondtired23]

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Another night of no sleep. Ive not slept properly in over 2 years now because of my pregnancy and baby. My pregnancy i was big very quickly in and it all became too unbarable, uncomfortable and painful to sleep. Once my dc came things were okay at the start. But gradually over time things got worse and worse. Dc is now just over a year but he does. NOT. SLEEP.

There is no hope. His sleeping is getting more erratic not better. I dont know where we are going wrong and its so upsetting and makes me feel despair. Everytime night hits i genuinely get scared and anxious. I cant sleep or even rest because i know what the night has in store for us all and its only a matter of time before he wakes.

I dont know if i shot myself in the foot but when he was a baby i would just bf him to sleep. At the time i was worried it would affect us in the long run but it worked for us and we just hoped he would grow out of it. But he hasnt. Sometimes he still has 4 or 5 feeds in a bad night. Its become his clutch to sleep and in a way ours ( although it is a lasy resort). He has never taken to a dummy or soft toy, any other kind of soothing. Sometimes we can rub his back and that will work but as soon as we can stop he bounces back up.

Its like his brain is hyperactive. He talks in his sleep, moves around alot, sits up, stands up and crawls IN HIS SLEEP. His dad sleep talks and sits up in his sleep and im wondering if they both have a bad case of restlessness syndrome.

Even around bed times he is never docile or sleepy. He will give us cues such as hair pulling but generally he is still mananic and running around. If we try to give him a bath he will only gain more energy. Whether i take him out during the day to exshaust him, or whether he naps well during the day, nothing correlates or changes the outcome of the night. Its all complete random.

Last night i had a burning sensation in my chest and my heart rate went up to 100. Today my chest is tight and off feeling. Ive suffered with panic attacks before but this felt different. Im only in my early twenties but was scared it was a heart attack. I think its my body telling me its now or never. I cant remember anything anymore. I repeat conversations, i cant remember how to spell. I live in a constant fog. I have no social life because of it and barely have the energy to tend to my baby let alone get us out for fresh air.

My hv has dissapeared of the scene a long time ago (thats another story) so i have no one to turn to. Drs dont want to know unless its an emergency. We keep to the text book, have wind down time. Keep routine at bed. Bed around the same time each night (even thats becoming a mission and a fight more and more) we dont talk to him when he wakes, avoid eye contact. Sometimes we ignore him and leave him to cry and he just works himself up. He sleeps in the same room as us. We've tried co sleeping but it changes nothing. We cant have him screaming as we have neighbours and people in the house next door to us that will all suffer too.

I dont want to have to resort to leaving him to scream it out, he would be distraught.

But i feel like my body is going to give and im beyond myself with desperation.

Please give me any tips or tricks. Tell me where im going wrong!

Want to add he wakes up around 2 to 6 times a night. Sometimes in the past week mostly, he wakes up and doesnt go back to sleep at all. So he is up from 1 to 5 ect. He is teething but its not like its pain as when we get up with him he is happy and singing talking ect. We do try calpol and it changes nothing

So sorry you are going through this. I had similar but they eventually slept through the night at 4. Can you ask his dad's mum about when his dad was this age? It does sound as though they are similar. I also think you and his dad need to take the nights in turn.

How old is he?

We did ‘pat shush’ every time DS woke. Put him in a different room maybe? He might be disturbed by you.

You can still get help even during covid times. Ring your gp.

Sorry it’s so hard

Sorry to hear about what you're having to cope with. I think you do need to see a doctor, because things like standing and crawling in his sleep aren't the norm; and also because this can't go on for the sake of your own health.

I’m sorry I don’t have more words of wisdom but just wanted to say you are doing a great job and sound like a really caring mum. I have a non sleeper and it’s bloody rough.

If you have any spare cash at all, could you look at a night nanny? Even if it was just for a few nights you could try catch up on some sleep. Can you and your DH split it so you do night in night off?

Hopefully someone else will be along with some practical ideas soon

I remember the sheer exhaustion of waking every hour on the hour at that age, I never thought it would get better. One thing that helped was asking my mum (well begging) for a sleepover - DC slept through there and it broke the cycle. If no one can help, try a different room - you may be disturbing them. Nap whenever you can, don't worry about the house, chores or anything - prioritise sleep at the moment.

I’m so sorry, it sounds so hard.

My baby wasn’t as bad as yours but he did used to wake 5 or 6 times a night. We followed Lucy Wolfe’s ‘baby sleep solution’ and it helped a lot. He still doesn’t sleep through usually, but he generally only wakes once or twice (he’s also 1). It took a few weeks but it really did help (and no crying, which was important to me).

I have nothing helpful to say but my 16m old doesn’t sleep so just wanted to offer some tearful solidarity

Maybe a little controversial...but you could try giving him piriton for a couple of nights just so you can get some sleep. When DS is having a bad few days he gets overtired and really struggles to stay asleep. So if by about 2am he's still struggling and is awake a lot I'll give him piriton so he can get a good few hours of proper rest and we can all reset and start again the next day. I've only ever done it for 2 nights in a row and it works for us.

I assume you have a sound bed time routine, (try) to have quiet time before bed. And you have a set wake up time? What are his day time naps like? Is he the same for those?

My advice would be to stop breastfeeding. That way he will have to learn how to go to sleep without it. Check out your local library for parenting books, they will all have advice on sleeping, reducing feeds etc and use the tips to work towards a new routine at bedtime and during the night that doesn't rely on breastfeeding to sleep. As long as it's still an option for him, its likely he'll keep waking up for it, so you need to move the situation along a bit and start looking towards bedtime and nighttime routines suitable for toddlers rather than babies. He doesn't need feeding at night and by continuing to do so you're confusing him about when is awake time and when isn't, so it really needs to be addressed.

I know it's unpopular but with my oldest I did the controlled crying thing. He did not sleep well at all. Finally, a friend who is a GP suggested controlled crying. I did it once, he cried/grizzled for about 5 minutes and then slept through the night, for the first time. Oh and I put him in his own room as I thought we might be exacerbating his waking up. I think all parties were relieved as we all got to sleep well, including the baby. The problem is that if you are exhausted then you can't really think how to proceed, and I think I almost needed 'permission' to let him cry.

My DC’s sleep significantly improved after they moved into their own room so that might be worth trying if you have space.

It sounds really hard and you are doing an amazing job to keep going through it. Agree with PPs that you need to rest when you can - if he naps well in the way is it an option for you to sleep then, even if just for the short-term?

Look up Jo Frosts controlled timed crying. It changed our lives. We were on our knees at 10 months. Utterly miserable.

Aww bless you, this sounds really hard! Sleep affects every aspect of your life so no wonder your anxiety is rising.

Have you read Gina Ford? It gets a bad reputation to do with newborns (I think because she suggests they’re in their own room- we ignore that bit) but I have a 4 month old and I read it when I was pregnant. I’ll not tell you how well he sleeps because it’s the last thing you need to know right now but it’s unbelievable how easily he goes down and doesn’t wake me. Some of it sounds like it’s a bit harsh as you’re encouraged to let them self-soothe but obviously when starting it when they’re a tiny baby makes it a lot easier because they just get used to settling themselves. He still gets plenty of cuddles etc but I don’t hold him til he falls asleep.

The good thing about her book if there’s a whole section of people’s problems that she solves, usually with the most tiny adjustments that you wouldn’t even think would work. I think this will be tough for a couple of weeks to break through to the other side and get some good sleep but it will be worth it and realistically it sounds so hard just now anyway!

Our bedtime routine isn’t anything special. I just make sure he’s not having a nap right before bedtime then he gets a bath, we put the lamp on in the nursery, he gets his jammies on, after that I try not to look at him, speak to him or get him excited, he gets the sleeping bag on then sits with one of us in the chair with the light projector with stars on the ceiling while he has his bottle. When he was tiny he would often fall asleep as he finished it. Gina Ford encourages you to slightly rouse them before putting them into bed so they know they don’t need you to settle them. We put his Ewan the sheep on and lie him in awake, as long as he’s not crying before he goes in. 9 times out of 10 he’ll just suck his thumb and hes asleep in a few minutes. Very occasionally he’ll cry a bit but it’s only for about 2 minutes max then he’ll be asleep. For me, a couple of minutes of crying when it isn’t even proper tears is worth it for him to be well rested and us too! Since 6 weeks old there was only one night he’s been up during the night and it was when MIL had been round during the day 🤦🏼‍♀️ He did his usual 2 minutes of moaning/crying in his crib and I asked her to leave him alone. She kept answering me back that he needed picked up and took him out despite me saying please don’t. She started speaking to him and bouncing him on her knee as he cried more and more then low and behold was up 3-4am unable to settle himself back to sleep. You do have to be firm and really stick to it but you will get there! There’s so many success stories in that book, even from people who didn’t do it to start with.

Good luck, hope you manage to get it sorted and get a good nights sleep soon

I’ve just seen the advice from a PP about stopping breastfeeding. Unless you want to do this for other reasons, please don’t feel you need to stop to improve sleep. I fed my DC until almost 2 and it didn’t stop them sleeping through the night. Decreasing night feeds on the other hand might be a good idea, you can do it gradually. Sending your partner in instead of you to comfort and settle can really help as they know milk isn’t on offer, so may accept other types of soothing more readily.

My youngest was like that. As he was my third child I knew it wasn't solely down to parenting as I did the same thing with him as my older two and they were ordinary to good sleepers.

I night weaned at 14 months but unfortunately it didn't help - he'd previously woken hourly and fed back to sleep but when I night weaned he woke just as often, but took much longer to fall asleep and needed to be in full body contact with me to do so.

We later found out dc3 has some sensory processing issues which may well be the reason he struggles with falling asleep and staying asleep. ADHD and ASD have also both been suggested by his occupational therapist and he has a referral for an assessment in January.

Sometimes there's a reason standard techniques don't work.

DC3 still struggles with sleep but has strategies to manage it himself now - audiobooks of stories he's heard hundreds of times (so they're not exciting) and a coloured nightlight were the first thing that helped when he was two. I explained to him that he needed to stay in bed when he woke up and put his story on and look at his books if he couldn't sleep. He was allowed to fetch me if he felt ill but otherwise mummy needed to sleep or she'd get poorly. He was about two and a half and he understood that then.

Slowly his sleep has improved but he still struggles a bit at 10.

Being able to read independently at bedtime was the biggest leap and he reads til he falls asleep now and it helps him psychologically to know hisbooks are there in case he can't sleep. He gets anxious if he's got nothing to read so he has an e-reader and luckily as he's the youngest there are plenty of age appropriate books he hasn't yet read in the house. He's a really lovely child and doing well at school, and doesn't wake me up any more!

Sorry, even two and a half may sound a ling way off but it does get better! I remember feeling like you do - I felt 90 years old when dc3 was a small toddler, my whole body ached all the time and my mind was foggy - it was lucky he was such a charming, hilarious little person to make up for never sleeping!

I would try putting him in his own room and see if a calm little children's audiobook or white noise CD might help, but it may take him getting a bit older and being able to understand that you need to sleep too.

Also what got me into Gina Ford was a podcast called Maybe Baby, the episode with Russell Kane (first series). He simplified it all so well

Have you got another room with a bed in it? You could have him in bed with you and pat shush him to sleep again. I always had my toddlers in wih me. I never had a broken night

Listen, you need to sleep train. At that age they do not need 6 feeds in a night. Agree with PPs, move into his own room and commit to a sleep training programme. I know it’s controversial and some may disagree but you can’t go on like this and you shouldn’t have to! And he needs proper rest and sleep in order to thrive! Join respectful sleep training/learning on Facebook and go from there

My advice would be to stop breastfeeding. That way he will have to learn how to go to sleep without it.

This is shite advice.

You do not need to stop breastfeeding to help your baby sleep better. However, you can stop breastfeeding to sleep and that can help break the habit of needing bf for comfort in the night. Make sure you give baby lots of opportunities to feed during the day and at bedtime just don't do it to the point they fall asleep. You can even include a dream feed at a time it doesnt disturb your own sleep eg 10pm. You want to make sure the baby gets plenty of opportunities to bf just not when you want to sleep.

You could start by night weaning, although be aware that doing so can be "the beginning of the end" in terms of supply.

It sounds really tough. I would stop the night feeds too. I did this with my DD and it stopped the constant waking.

Whatever plan you decide on, can you try one of you going to bed when DS does and sleeping for a solid chunk of time while the other parent deals with DS. Then switch at midnight.
And yes chat to your MIL about your DH at the same age There may be something else going on. Good luck

You poor thing. It's so tough.

Christmas is coming up, so I'm assuming you and your partner will both have a bit of time off, so that makes it a really good time to sleep train.

Completely agree with pp who says you don't have to stop bf, but if you want to keep it going you have to be strong and not cave in because you know a bf will work. If you're prepared to do that then I really recommend the no cry sleep solution book (can't remember the author right now). Get it, both of you read it, then decide what steps you're going to take. Only change one thing at once, stick to your plan whatever happens. Get your partner to do most of it because so much of the current pattern is around your milk.

You can do this, and you can do it gently too, but you need to be strong, supported and rested - every day over Christmas I want you to hand baby to your partner or mum and just go for a nap.

My son was the same up to 14 months and then I just snapped. I slept on the sofa for 2 nights while my partner kept him in bed. Milk finally dried up (stopped BF daytime at 8 months) and he slept through the night ever since (well mostly).

my partner said the 1st night was rough going, second night not so bad and only woke once and went back to sleep once he realised I wasn't there.

I think a brutal cut to the milk is needed first, just rip the bandaid off! If your both off over Xmas then this is probably the best time to do it.
Then once the BF is dealt with you can alter the routine and try new things. Maybe new big bed in his own room? Worked for mine, he refused to sleep in the cot, not even once !! When we converted it into the bed he slept all night for the first time in his own room. I still didn't sleep though, I kept getting up to check him because it was so unusual!! 😂
Good luck OP, it won't always be like this I promise!

You will need to gently let him cry a little bit.

One bit at a time. It will take time, but he'll learn eventually.

Do it slowly so it's not as cruel. So let him cry a little bit at first, then a bit more and so on. Look up a book called the baby sleep solution by Lucy Wolfe. It's a gentle way to sleep train.