So SO desperate - please please help! Need advice

[Beyondtired23]

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Another night of no sleep. Ive not slept properly in over 2 years now because of my pregnancy and baby. My pregnancy i was big very quickly in and it all became too unbarable, uncomfortable and painful to sleep. Once my dc came things were okay at the start. But gradually over time things got worse and worse. Dc is now just over a year but he does. NOT. SLEEP.

There is no hope. His sleeping is getting more erratic not better. I dont know where we are going wrong and its so upsetting and makes me feel despair. Everytime night hits i genuinely get scared and anxious. I cant sleep or even rest because i know what the night has in store for us all and its only a matter of time before he wakes.

I dont know if i shot myself in the foot but when he was a baby i would just bf him to sleep. At the time i was worried it would affect us in the long run but it worked for us and we just hoped he would grow out of it. But he hasnt. Sometimes he still has 4 or 5 feeds in a bad night. Its become his clutch to sleep and in a way ours ( although it is a lasy resort). He has never taken to a dummy or soft toy, any other kind of soothing. Sometimes we can rub his back and that will work but as soon as we can stop he bounces back up.

Its like his brain is hyperactive. He talks in his sleep, moves around alot, sits up, stands up and crawls IN HIS SLEEP. His dad sleep talks and sits up in his sleep and im wondering if they both have a bad case of restlessness syndrome.

Even around bed times he is never docile or sleepy. He will give us cues such as hair pulling but generally he is still mananic and running around. If we try to give him a bath he will only gain more energy. Whether i take him out during the day to exshaust him, or whether he naps well during the day, nothing correlates or changes the outcome of the night. Its all complete random.

Last night i had a burning sensation in my chest and my heart rate went up to 100. Today my chest is tight and off feeling. Ive suffered with panic attacks before but this felt different. Im only in my early twenties but was scared it was a heart attack. I think its my body telling me its now or never. I cant remember anything anymore. I repeat conversations, i cant remember how to spell. I live in a constant fog. I have no social life because of it and barely have the energy to tend to my baby let alone get us out for fresh air.

My hv has dissapeared of the scene a long time ago (thats another story) so i have no one to turn to. Drs dont want to know unless its an emergency. We keep to the text book, have wind down time. Keep routine at bed. Bed around the same time each night (even thats becoming a mission and a fight more and more) we dont talk to him when he wakes, avoid eye contact. Sometimes we ignore him and leave him to cry and he just works himself up. He sleeps in the same room as us. We've tried co sleeping but it changes nothing. We cant have him screaming as we have neighbours and people in the house next door to us that will all suffer too.

I dont want to have to resort to leaving him to scream it out, he would be distraught.

But i feel like my body is going to give and im beyond myself with desperation.

Please give me any tips or tricks. Tell me where im going wrong!

He might be so “wired” because he is overtired and running on adrenaline.

If I were you I would do timed controlled crying and stick with it for 5 days. It will not be nice but it might just revolutionise everything for all of you. You’d need to put him in a separate room ideally for it to work best and definitely stop feeding to sleep as he needs to self settle (no need to quit BF overall tho, unless you want to).

If it doesn’t work then next step is GP. But I suspect they won’t do anything until you’ve tried some sort of sleep training.

Just to add mine took one session of controlled crying and that was 5 minutes max. I know that might be very, very unusual, but it really was that short. I think I agonized about it for ages which seems silly now.

@thingymaboob

Look up Jo Frosts controlled timed crying. It changed our lives. We were on our knees at 10 months. Utterly miserable.

This. All of us were happier afterwards, including DS who was no longer utterly exhausted all the time. We stupidly waited till 19 months, I wish so much that we'd done it earlier.

Some babies need help to learn how to self-settle, your DS is obviously one of those. He won't magically learn it - some kids are waking all hours till 5 or 6 years old because they've never been taught to self settle.

Oh, and no need to quit bf unless you want to - we did controlled, timed crying (worked in 2 nights!) and I carried on bf till DS was almost 3 when he self-weaned.

Oh my, you cannot go on like this.

My daughter and son-in-law were in this position; they were up every 1.5 hours (baby was 18 months) and I was so concerned for them, I stepped in - sent them away for 3 nights (they returned every morning and left every evening) and I carried out sleep training. It was horrendous and I was so exhausted, but I cracked it! On the 4th night, I got my daughter to shadow me and do EXACTY as I was doing, we sat on the stairs during the night, but it was only twice! My 3 instructions were: NEVER lift the baby, do not sleep in her room (there was a single bed which they regularly slept in with her tucked in beside them and regular fish oils (ADD is our family and fish oils is a life saver for us all - log story and really not wanting to de-rail the thread). One day 5, she slept for 12+ hours and (unless she is ill) she sleeps like that still (now 2 years, 9 months). She loves long lies and we see her in the mornings on the monitor cuddling back in to sleep!
My son-in-law is type 1 diabetic and I was actually very fearful for his health with no sleep. He followed my instructions to the letter and I have to say the difference in his health was evident in a few days.
I cannot bear my grandaughter crying - I am very hands on and completely besotted with her and she refers to me as "Mummy Nana", just to add so you know how painful it was for me. I counted 60 seconds and went back in, laid her down, stroked her back 3 times and went out. I did this all night for 3 nights. She got to the point that when I entering the room she would automatically lie down. When I eventually got to my bed (I think the second night), I remember waking up with a start as HOURS had passed and being so paranoid, I crept along to check on her - sound asleep!
It is hard but 100% worth it. Have you any family members that can step in and do this?
Good luck. Sleep deprivation is the worst.

I was also losing my mind with sleep and sleep trained.

There are ways of doing it without leaving them to cry for ages although we did CC.

Sometimes you have to put your mental health first.

Better a sleep trained baby than a mother who is losing her mind.

Only because you didn’t mention it, have you ruled out teething pain? My dd was a nightmare from the first one till all her teeth were through. I swear teething was the root cause of a lot of her sleeping issues.

I think you’ll still have to implement other strategies as you see fit but it’s worth trying a bit of nurofen (I found this the best for teething) before bedtime to see if it has any impact on his ability to calm down and learn to sleep through. The fidgeting around could be down to being uncomfortable.

how old is he? there are lots of different thi gs being suggested here but really you would need to have a look at giving the whole day and routine a overhaul and need more info on him to decide what the best course of action would be, especially age. and please dont listen to the people telling you to drug him!!

im a sleep consultant and night nanny and if you are happy to message me i will help for free.

I will also add that my grandaughter was thrashing about too - banging her head on the side of the cot (so distressing); smiling at times when awake; babbling away.....
If you have to sleep train, as others have also said, just keep in mind that it will be so worth it in the end and you are doing your son the world of good too - as he needs hours of uninterrupted sleep. Think "this time next week, we will all be sleeping all night". That will give you the motivation to keep going.

I sleep trained my one year old 30 years ago when I discovered Richard Ferber's "Solve your child's sleep problems". She was waking 5 or more time per night. I was going psychotic. DH did nothing. It took 2 nights of crying. Night 3 she slept through the night. My psychosis disappeared.

Do anything to get help with this please. My heart goes out to you.

Book a doctor asap.

1. BF is good for your child and needs to be supported.
2. You are potentially going to experience a mental health crisis if you cant find a way forward.
3. You are experiencing physocal symptoms of stress.

Speak to your doctor. They may lrescribe sleeping tablets for you/DH to help in tje short term, they may need to assess your son for somethong causing this like ADHD.

Its important to rule out serious issues before finding solutions.

Poor you op. You must be at the end of your tether.

First I would put him in his own room, he probably needs a quieter place to sleep. My baby gets woken up by DH and I just rolling over in bed - your partner sounds quite noisy at night if he sleep talks and sits up etc.

Also I would stop drinking caffeine if breastfeeding because even though only a tiny amount gets into the breast milk it might be enough to stimulate the baby. (I did this and my baby sleep improved but it might just be coincidence)

If putting him in his own room doesn’t help I would try the controlled crying. You can check his temperature before putting him to bed so you know he’s ok and I’ve heard it can work in days. I wouldn’t want to do it either but it’s a last resort.

Can you afford a sleep consultant?

We had one, we did the disappearing chair method which involved crying but not leaving them on their own. The baby night weaned within 2 nights. However I'm not sure about the sitting up and talking, that might need some expert advice.

PM me if you want any detail about the method we used.

I'm with you on the anxiety though, I don't suffer normally but I found the anxiety around sleeping, the frustration from the insomnia (it's so hard so sleep when you know you're going to be woken in an hour) and dreading the nights almost worse than the actual tiredness itself

Thank you everyone for your life saving advice! I was starting to get so down about it all because i thought at 1year of age that this shouldnt even be a problem anymore, so hearing others that have older babies that do not sleep is oddly comforting.

To clear somethings up - i bf during the day but its actually bottles ds has at night. We know he does not need it for hunger. It is more so his anchor and the way he soothes himself at this point. Ds was never keen on dummies, or being rocked to sleep. So this is why i always turned to feeding to get him to sleep since nothing else worked. We definitley need to nail down on it. Maybe not cut it down completely but even for us as parents not rely on it so much.

Problem is because we are so tired we know what we need to do but we are so desperate we are taking the easy route just because we dont have the mental strength nor physical stamnia to keep it up or enforce the change. But we need to remain strong and just strip it down to 1 feed before bed and 1 feed durning the night (which will hopefully turn into no feeds)

In terms of developmental changes our ds learnt how to walk from a very early age. Honestly we was holding out on him being able to do this and it being the turning point in his sleep. Others told us in confidence once he could walk he would tire himself out. But if anything my ds runs everywhere and has as much energy as ever! It is almost like he is constantly running on over drive. He is starting to get rings around his eyes bless him but he just wont give in. Around bed time he is never sleepy despite the routine or wind down. Then usually he has a bad night, becomes extremely irratiable and ratty during the day, until he passes out and sleeps during his afternoon nap.

I do find it funny that he sleeps better during the day than night. Given his afternoon naps are a shorter period but generally he is more restful.

Pps that suggest another room, this is something we are seriously considering. As i mentioned dp does the most in his sleep. The other night his sleep talking woke dc and i was beside myself. My ds is such a LIGHT SLEEPER! any little rustle or movement and he stirrs. Its crazy! Im always careful to turn in my sleep because im worried i will wake him. So yes this is something thay may help. I just have to get over my anxiety of not having him with me. Call it a protective thing but obviously from co sleeping from birth i've always had a strong urge to keep him by me, especkally when he cant talk or come to us if something is wrong. But i will need to get over that and learn to transition along side with my ds.

Dp was a saint baby!!!

Believe it or not after talking to mil he was the only child that slept all the way through and required no effort during night time. This restlessness he has developed seems to be over adult hood and gets worse when he is stressed or over tired (he grinds his teeth and talks loudly) sometimes even laughs!

I think its mainly the staying asleep part my ds is struggling with. I dont know if im completely ready to let him scream it out but i like the idea of letting him cry a little then building it up. We did test out controlled sleep once and it took him 45minutes to get down. He fell asleep sobbing

Thankyou again for the suggestions im going to look into all the programmes and books mentioned and find the best one for us

All I would say OP is have a look, but then pick one approach and stick to it. And even within that, only change one thing at a time. Otherwise you won't know what works and you also won't be able to stick to it.

Good luck.
Could you speak to the health visitor team in your area for advice?

being in their own room helps, if you have anxiety about it, get a video baby monitor so you can see what they are doing. Even a parent breathing can impact sleep(this is part of the reason why they advise baby in the same room for 6 months)

If he's on bottles at night, set up a camp bed in your shed or garage with tons of blankets and alternate nights with your DH. My friend had a full nights sleep every other night this way, ridiculousbas it sounds.
Another vote for own room too and never ever lift them. My DC both slept well but selfishly I wasn't afraid to let them cry and they never came into our bed.
No lying on floors, no frustration, no anxiety. It benefitted us all in the long run and at 19 and 16 now we're all bonded well enough.

You aren't doing anything wrong. You just haven't found what's right for you all yet.

A few things that jump out from your post.

You are all stressed, tired and anxious
Your bedroom isn't a quiet, calm space
You are at the end of your tether
You have tried lots of things.
You all sleep in the same room

So firstly, stressed, tired and anxious is an ever revolving door. The more tired you all are the more stressed and anxious you become which doesn't facilitate good sleep. It's not abnormal for a child to wake, cry, jump up and down, crawl or anything else during waking moments in the night. Uncommon isn't the same as unusual.

If your DH is being noisy in the night, sleep talking and moving around etc then he's bound to disturb you and the baby. You are sleeping next to the baby, anxious, trying not to move in case you disturb him, that is not very relaxing for you or your baby. You all need to be able to relax for a decent nights sleep.

Getting to the end of your tether means you aren't thinking straight or logically, you are probably blindly doing whatever works fastest in that moment. Trying 'lots of' things just messes up the consistency and you probably haven't tried one routine for long enough (at least a month) in order to see if it actually works.

So, my advice, for what it's worth as a childcare professional with over 45yrs of experience and my own children, is the following.

Move the baby into his own room. Make it dark, calm and comfortable. This needs to be where you are at when sleep is achieved so it makes sense to start the process there.

Once you have the room ready make a plan. Do a little research and find what you are most comfortable doing. Set aside One month to carry out your plan. They key to it working (and that's any plan) is total consistency. You (both) must do the same thing each and every time he wakes, no variation at all. It shouldn't take a month but you should aim to complete a month at the very least. Just remember that you can't get any more tired than you already are and it's likely that at the end of a month you are all sleeping better.

Take a few minutes a day to calm yourself. Learn some breathing techniques or learn how to power nap for 15 mins in order for you to be in the right frame of mind to deal with the sleep issues.

The key is consistency, consistency, consistency. Calm, dark, quiet and comfortable.

One of the more common issues about sleep is that babies and children are often overtired by the time you put them to bed. Pick a time and stick to it, making it earlier if necessary. Because being overtired means the body cannot relax enough for sleep.

I hope you can make it work for you, being sleep deprived is horrendous for you and your child. Good luck.

My babies never slept in the same room as me. Only when they were really tiny but at a few months they went into their own room because they would get disturbed. Change doctors and make them listen. Contact your health visiting service and request a new health visitor, tell them what is going on and how desperate you are. Is your partner not bothered by it? Is he not calling anywhere for help or looking for advice too? It sounds like he's sleeping while you're not which is bullshit if you're so tired you feel like you're going to give out.

If you're breastfeeding are you caffeine free? Sugar free?

Sugar free?? Is that a thing?