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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU DH to write own Christmas cards?

84 replies

LovingLivingLife · 16/12/2021 18:33

AIBU to insist my husband to write his own Christmas cards for his friends & his side of the family?

We both work full time, and we have a DD2. We share fairly equally the work load at home, even if not the mental load.

I do the vast majority of Christmas preparations including decorating the house, buying gifts, wrapping, food planning, shopping & cooking, and getting ready for both sides of the family being with us for a few days. I don't mind doing all this, I love Christmas! 🎄🎅

The only thing I insist on is that he does a small share of the Christmas cards; his side of the family, his mum's family friends (at his mum's constant request!), and his close friends (not the mutual ones).

He kicks up such a fuss every year and his mum looks at me like I have grown a second head when I said it was up to DH or it wouldn't get done. So I am starting to doubt myself...AIBU?

OP posts:
TheCreamCaker · 16/12/2021 20:32

You aren't being unreasonable. I've been with my husband for 43 years now (married 41), and in all that time, he's never chosen or written a card for anyone, for any occasion. Even when his mum died, he didn't want to write the card on the wreath. He's never chosen or wrapped a present for anyone, ever (he and I don't usually buy for each other).
He pays for it all though.

senorafridgidaire · 16/12/2021 20:36

Slightly different issue here in that DH refuses to think about cards or presents til Christmas week, and his family live at the other end of the country. He is adamant that I'm not to do it and he will do it in his own time. I pointed out earlier that not doing anything until Monday (which is his plan) means that it's likely things won't arrive in time for Christmas and he just shrugged and said he knows. He's the same with birthdays, he thinks the important thing is sending something, rather than when you send it!

Meanwhile his family's gifts and cards to us have already arrived and I'm squirming at the fact that yet again they probably won't get anything in time for Christmas. I'm sure MIL secretly thinks I should be doing it as well!

Faevern · 16/12/2021 20:42

You know YANBU but we know that it is mainly women doing Christmas. I don’t buy or write for my DP but my DB has lived with 4 different women meaning my Christmas cards have gone through 5 varieties of handwriting. When he’s alone at Xmas it’s his, when he’s not it’s the GF, he’s perfectly capable as are other men.

frazzledasarock · 16/12/2021 20:46

“ He says his handwriting is messy and he 'cant do it'. Basically he can't be bothered.

He thinks I should do it because I have nice writing and I am good at it. ”

For Christmas get him calligraphy lessons. Then next Christmas he can do everyone’s cards 🙄

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 16/12/2021 20:50

When my mum started dating my dad back in the 1970’s, she made my dad send his mum a Christmas card. The first he had given her. It is displayed over the fireplace every year, even now.

Honestly, op, just dont mention cards. He isn't interested. You shouldnt be.

And ffs it isnt swapping a chore to have him do the shopping and you still write the list Hmm

StripyHorse · 16/12/2021 20:50

When DH and I moved in together, his mum gave me a list of all their extended family birthdays.

Fine. I put them on the calendar (it's neater that way 😉). That's where my involvement ends.

I do write the Christmas cards though, but only because I don't mind doing them.

gannett · 16/12/2021 20:53

@senorafridgidaire

Slightly different issue here in that DH refuses to think about cards or presents til Christmas week, and his family live at the other end of the country. He is adamant that I'm not to do it and he will do it in his own time. I pointed out earlier that not doing anything until Monday (which is his plan) means that it's likely things won't arrive in time for Christmas and he just shrugged and said he knows. He's the same with birthdays, he thinks the important thing is sending something, rather than when you send it!

Meanwhile his family's gifts and cards to us have already arrived and I'm squirming at the fact that yet again they probably won't get anything in time for Christmas. I'm sure MIL secretly thinks I should be doing it as well!

I agree with your DH. I'd much rather receive a present that someone's put real thought into even if it's two weeks late, than an oh-shit service station box of chocolates on the day.

Neither DP nor I are the most organised and usually end up exchanging presents in January. Which at least makes January a bit nicer!

Cofifeefee · 16/12/2021 20:54

You have to toughen up OP; he is relying on the fact that you don't like others thinking badly of you.

YABU for even having a conversation about it with him. I look after my side of the family, DH looks after his. Gifts and cards to his side is a bit of a roulette; he doesn't swap gifts with his siblings but will bung some money to the nieces and nephews if he sees them over Christmas (sometimes it ends up that some nieces and nephews receive cash and others don't). He sends Christmas cards when he can be bothered. His siblings remain on polite but distant terms with us. I couldn't give a fuck; his approach to cards and gifts is not a reflection on me and presumably this is the same approach he took before he married me.

Your DH should grow a pair and tell his mum he's not going to send cards to her friends though - is he Sheridan?

BridStar · 16/12/2021 20:55

No modern woman takes on that shit. His family, his cards. Did he get a wife or a secretary?

EmmaC78 · 16/12/2021 20:57

If he isn't bothered about it, then why send them? I would just leave it. Cards are bit of a waste of time and money IMO.

mummabubs · 16/12/2021 21:12

Yanbu at all. I've said this year I'm finally following through with my yearly promise that I won't be the one doing all of the present buying for DH's large and difficult to buy for family. My MiL caught wind of this and actually took me task about why wasn't I doing this as I'm DH's wife? I simply smiled and said "just because I have a vagina doesn't make this my responsibility, plus I don't remember this forming part of my wedding vows". It was a completely I Fathi concept to her that I wouldn't automatically assume the role of gift buyer for his family for the rest of our married lives.

Your DH presumably knows how to write, ergo he can do his own Christmas cards or your MiL will just have to accept that her family friends might not get one from him. That's a reflection on him, not you!

mummabubs · 16/12/2021 21:15

*unfathomable!!

Wrenna · 16/12/2021 21:15

You are so NBU! If it matters to a person they will do it, if not they won’t, simple as that!

BettyfromBristol · 16/12/2021 21:27

I think not taking on the card writing was on a par with not taking on ironing the shirts in my ILs eyes. I think I was seen as slightly rebellious and too "modern". If his family don't get cards it's absolutely not my problem, I don't even know most of the addresses.

MyCatEatsPrawnCrackers · 16/12/2021 21:28

Oh FFS why are some men such useless pricks? Hmm

A580Hojas · 16/12/2021 21:30

@TheCreamCaker

You aren't being unreasonable. I've been with my husband for 43 years now (married 41), and in all that time, he's never chosen or written a card for anyone, for any occasion. Even when his mum died, he didn't want to write the card on the wreath. He's never chosen or wrapped a present for anyone, ever (he and I don't usually buy for each other). He pays for it all though.
But how does that make you feel? The paying for it bit is entirely irrelevant.
A580Hojas · 16/12/2021 21:31

This is a thread I'd actually like the Daily Mail to pick up. Would love to see people twisting themselves in knots trying to justify the wife work.

Pixiedust1234 · 16/12/2021 21:52

For the past thirty years I have done the christmas (and birthday) cards and presents for all of his family (and our children), then last year he had the brass neck to say he couldn't understand why the run up to Christmas stressed me out as he is fine....he only buys my present so its no fucking wonder he is not stressed!!!

So I stopped. None of his family had a card or present. Not even his mum or dad. His dad died boxing day knowing his son didn't give a shit about him. Its not looking good for his mum getting a present this year either. And I don't care.

Bubblty · 16/12/2021 22:02

@A580Hojas

This is a thread I'd actually like the Daily Mail to pick up. Would love to see people twisting themselves in knots trying to justify the wife work.
Haha good point. Where are they when uou need them?
ThurstonArmbrister · 16/12/2021 22:07

@Pixiedust1234
Questions must have been asked... How did he defend his (lack of) actions to his family?

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 16/12/2021 22:26

Don't ask him to do them, just let him choose.

My DH doesn't write any, that's his choice. I don't do birthday, Christmas or any other event presents or cards for DHs friends or family, he does. And if he forgets, that's on him.

5foot5 · 16/12/2021 22:33

FFS does he think he is living on the 1970s. You are doing far too much already. He should be pulling his weight choosing, buying, wrapping and delivering the presents.

It is not "woman's work". DH (in his 60s now) has always taken a full part in thus. And although he doesn't like writing cards he does eventually blitz the ones for his family and friends

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 16/12/2021 22:39

honestly it's amazing you two are married, what with him being 15 and praising your handwriting and you being 13 and flattered the "cool" boy is being nice to you!

Dh tried a for couple of years after we were married "have WE done the cards yet?" I'd reply that I had done MINE ...seemed to get the message across.

AdoraBell · 16/12/2021 22:44

YANBU. His family = he deals with it.

I have never written cards or bought presents for ILs. Been married for 23 years. This year he spent £36 on naice cards rather than using the boxes of cards we already have. This was 4 days ago, they are still on the kitchen table. If he wants to send them he will write them, because he is an adult.

Original poster
LovingLivingLife · 16/12/2021 22:51

@SirensofTitan

Is this a real situation? I genuinely can't understand this at all, how has a presumably intelligent woman ended up with this problem.

It's nearly 2022 not 1952 why are you even having to question yourself?

I know you probably meant this rhetorically but it's actually a great question!

I think if it was just my DH having a bit of a tantrum I would just ignore it. But getting pressure from other women with the subtext that I am being lazy/ bad wife / petty is different. I guess I kinda think MIL has reasons for her opinion (precious only son, was a single mum herself, etc...) but I wonder if the other women that wouldn't get a card from us would think it of me too.

I don't think it's very common that you can truly say you don't give a shit about what the people around you think of you. If you like the people in your extended family (and I do) you want them to think well of you.

OP posts: