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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU DH to write own Christmas cards?

84 replies

LovingLivingLife · 16/12/2021 18:33

AIBU to insist my husband to write his own Christmas cards for his friends & his side of the family?

We both work full time, and we have a DD2. We share fairly equally the work load at home, even if not the mental load.

I do the vast majority of Christmas preparations including decorating the house, buying gifts, wrapping, food planning, shopping & cooking, and getting ready for both sides of the family being with us for a few days. I don't mind doing all this, I love Christmas! 🎄🎅

The only thing I insist on is that he does a small share of the Christmas cards; his side of the family, his mum's family friends (at his mum's constant request!), and his close friends (not the mutual ones).

He kicks up such a fuss every year and his mum looks at me like I have grown a second head when I said it was up to DH or it wouldn't get done. So I am starting to doubt myself...AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
LovingLivingLife · 16/12/2021 19:02

@Elfonthesofa

MIL pulled this stunt with me once.

I told her that I wasn't the one who brought him up to think it was acceptable to not be arsed to send his family cards.

He still doesn't send them now 15 years later. MiL is probably still silently seething but she knows better than to ask me where the cards are now.

Haha that is great! I wish I had the balls to say that to her, but she would act all wounded then I would end up feeling bad
OP posts:
Summerrain123 · 16/12/2021 19:03

PS why do you insist he does them? I mean rather than just say, "not my job!"

Original poster
LovingLivingLife · 16/12/2021 19:04

@PinkArt

Ask him what he's finding so hard about them and ask him why he thinks writing to his family and friends should be your job? And leave the manchild to it!
He says his handwriting is messy and he 'cant do it'. Basically he can't be bothered.

He thinks I should do it because I have nice writing and I am good at it.

... .... Ridiculous I know 😂

OP posts:
HorsdoeuvresInTheGarage · 16/12/2021 19:06

I wonder how many men worry about writing Christmas cards for their wife's family? It's an absurb notion when the sexes are swapped. I've been married 35 years and have never written a card or bought a gift for my DH's side of the family, nor has he for mine.

Original poster
LovingLivingLife · 16/12/2021 19:07

@Blossom64265

If I left cards to DH, there would be no cards for his family. He is fine with that, I am not, so I do the cards.

If your DH actually cares about cards going out, he definitely should be willing to do them himself. He could also offer to take a chore off your list in exchange for you doing his share, if this would be mutually beneficial.

That's actually a great suggestion. I am not sure he really cares if cards go out or not, I think it bothers me more. But definitely could try a chore swap! I am not the biggest fan of the food shop... I would wonder what he would come back with though even if I gave him a proper list 😅
OP posts:
theremustonlybeone · 16/12/2021 19:11

OMG I totally get this .. my DH family think its a 'womans' job to sort out cards. They can get to shit as someone who grew up with all girls as my dad pissed off. There is no gender roles. So the way it is at the moment is if they receive anything nice it must be from DH but if a card is late or present its my fault. They can all bog off

Howshouldibehave · 16/12/2021 19:31

I am not sure he really cares if cards go out or not

That’s the issue really then-he isn’t bothered.

If he wasn’t bothered if his family didn’t get cards, I wouldn’t be either.

TipseyTorvey · 16/12/2021 19:38

I did all the cards for the first 10 years of our marriage, then once I went back to work after maternity full time I had a moment of clarity. I contribute 50% to the bills, do 90% of the wife work. Stupid. I stopped sending Xmas cards to his family, his friends and only did mine. Like pp, I bought the box of cards and stamps but made it clear 'not my problem'. MIL sniffs, idgaf.

SirensofTitan · 16/12/2021 19:42

Is this a real situation? I genuinely can't understand this at all, how has a presumably intelligent woman ended up with this problem.

It's nearly 2022 not 1952 why are you even having to question yourself?

CaptainMyCaptain · 16/12/2021 19:46

My husband does his own family cards.

LittleMy77 · 16/12/2021 19:51

I used to charge dh £25 an hour to write his; he’d happily pay it and I came away £50 richer!

SayAaa · 16/12/2021 19:52

I am the 1% saying YABU to insist that he does. YWNBU to politely inform him that you will not be doing it, and leave him to it. No need to insist on anything.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 16/12/2021 19:53

My husband buys every single present and does all the cards for his side. And I'm a SAHM. Anything else is outrageous IMO especially as you seem to be doing all the Xmas chores yourself. Chore swap sounds great, hand him that shopping list!

SpinsForGin · 16/12/2021 19:55

It would never cross my mind to write DH's Christmas cards. In fact, he's written all of his and posted them. I've not even started 🙈

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/12/2021 19:55

No of course you’re not. His elderly mum would be upset if it wasn’t in his handwriting.

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/12/2021 19:56

Meant my husband’s elderly mum, not yours!

Nomoreusernames1244 · 16/12/2021 19:58

He thinks I should do it because I have nice writing and I am good at it

Are you also better at loading the dishwasher, sorting the laundry, clearing up, putting any child to bed?

Funny that.

I don’t even remind dh. He either remembers and writes them, or doesn’t. Although as his family can’t even get my name right on the cards they send us, despite being told repeatedly over the last 20 years, i’m not over fussed if they don’t get any.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 16/12/2021 19:58

Let me guess, MiL mummy-martyred herself every year at Xmas and DH grew up expecting things like writing cards to be 'wimmens jobs' Hmm

A580Hojas · 16/12/2021 20:02

Do not doubt yourself! Why does your husband kick up a fuss? Is he a toddler? I say toddler because even a child of 4+ would see this is reasonable. I posted my family cards today (half day off work) plus decorated the sitting room and tree - which I also went out and bought - if my husband kicked up a fuss that I hadn't done his family cards I would tell him to sit on his own in his room and calm down.

Svalberg · 16/12/2021 20:10

It's easiest, but of no use to you now, to never have got into writing them in the first place. Same as ironing.

Dozer · 16/12/2021 20:11

Classic ‘wifework’. Don’t do it and ignore! Not your problem if Dh pisses everyone off.

gannett · 16/12/2021 20:19

You're quite right not to do a job that shouldn't be yours anyway but if you're not going to do something then DON'T DO IT. That means don't keep hassling him to do it. I don't understand why you care so much whether he does it - just leave him to it!

hufflepuffnstuff · 16/12/2021 20:19

Personally, I've stopped doing cards. They're just another chore, imo, and one I'm glad to be rid of! If your husband doesn't care and you don't want to do them, don't bother. If it bothers you, then you should do them.

The suggestion to reconsider the division of Christmas-related labour makes sense.

luverlybubberly · 16/12/2021 20:22

*He says his handwriting is messy and he 'cant do it'. Basically he can't be bothered.

He thinks I should do it because I have nice writing and I am good at it. *

Definitely not an only child if he's using that truck. WinkGrin

Does he think you wouldn't see through that attempt at reverse psychology?

Barbie222 · 16/12/2021 20:23

Don't give it any more thought at all. Ever. Likely it won't ever be brought up, but if it is, just look at your husband and wait for him to talk.

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