Please help me, Im desperate for advice

[Thegiantstrawberry1]

Regular poster but name changed to avoid any sort of recognising as this is embarrassing.

My mum used to find it funny to scare me when I was a child. She was a single mum and we were more like friends, so she would invite her friends round and let me just join in with whatever they were doing. They would usually have a movie night but it was sometimes horror movies. My mum didn’t actively make me stay with them but we lived in a small house and I think she wanted to be a cool mum and let me join in with her and her friends. I just wanted to spend time with her so I could make her love me.

I remember watching Saw, The Grudge, The exorcist and basically whatever scary movie was popular at the time and they were watching. I was about 6/7 and this type of thing went on until I was about 12. I didn’t want to watch scary movies because I was terrified, but I wanted to be cool and hang out with my mum and her friends. I started to get scared of the dark and would follow my mum around the house because I was scared to be alone, she used to get annoyed and say grow up you’re 9 you can go to your room yourself ect. I would cry myself to sleep every night because I was absolutely terrified from watching scary movies. My mum used to be confused at why I was so clingy and scared of every bump/sound/the dark.

She was a good mum and she tried her best but she just made a lot of mistakes at times. I still love her because she’s my mum, so it’s really confusing. The part that upsets me the most is how she would make fun of me to her friends. She would deliberately tell ‘scarey stories’ because it became a joke about how scared I was. Or we would be staying over at her friends house and she would send me to bed and then leave the lights off or go outside with her friend and leave me in the house alone. Then I would be HYSTERICAL and I’d have a panic attack type episode where I would be crying and hyperventilating because I was so scared. And then I would just get shouted at for being a baby and sent back upstairs to bed and I would know they were laughing at how scared I was.

We were also on the run from my dad who was violent and stalking us. I’m NOT decrying what my mum went through, but I think she also used the situation to get attention sometimes among her friends (I feel terrible saying that but I think it’s true). I remember one incident where my dad was at our door and my mum deliberately whipped me into a panic attack by saying it was him and he was here to take me away and he was going to hurt us and she told me that we might have to jump out the window to escape him. I was hiding under my bed sobbing and I’ve never been so scared in all my life. Meanwhile my mum was on the phone to her friends telling them how he was after us again and I was ‘terrified’ and he was going to hurt us- but she wasn’t scared at all. It turned out just to be a delivery driver and I can’t help but feel like she knew that but scared me so she could tell her friends how awful he was and how I was terrified. The thing is, he was awful- there was absolutely no need to scare me to prove a point everyone already knew.

Another time I was rushed to hospital (I was about 10) with an illness that was potentially very serious. I was so scared and upset and she didn’t really care- she deliberately called my dad and told him (even though I said not to because I knew it would be hurtful) and she put the phone on speaker so I could hear him say that he didn’t care and he hoped I died from the illness during the night. She was then straight on the phone to her friends saying guess what he said!!!??? Meanwhile I was in tears. The illness turned out not to be serious and i got to leave hospital that night, but I was so upset at my dad for what he said and also my mum for deliberately exposing me to my dad’s hatred.

Fast forward 10 years and I’ve got some fears that are ridiculous for my age. I’m at university so I’m ‘grown up’ but I’ve got some fears that are really embarrassing and definitely not normal! I’m finding that as I get older, it’s harder to hide them.

Basically, I’m still terrified of the dark. Not just scared, terrified. That means I can’t sleep without all the lights on which isn’t ideal and also not economically friendly. I’ve got lamps and smaller lights which help but I can only relax with the main light on. I’m also terrified to be home alone which is obviously a problem now that I’m an adult! I’m ok being home alone during the day, but I really struggle at night or when it’s dark outside. Anytime there’s a bump or a noise I completely panic even when I can recognise rationally that it’s just a car door or someone walking past the house. I’m fine as long as there’s someone else in the house, for some reason this makes me feel safer, but I really cannot cope with being completely on my own especially in the dark. I really need to get over this but I don’t know how.

Sorry this has been such a long winded post. I didnt mean to be horrible about my mum and I still love her so much- I just think the way she acted has made me scared now. If anyone has any advice about getting over this fear I would be so grateful. Thanks x

This isn't fear, this is trauma.

It's not logical, it's not rational. But that's a part of your brain, the oldest part, that has linked darkness and sudden noise with terror.

It's not something you've done wrong, it's not ac weakness in you, and it's not something you can fix with advice from strangers on the internet. It's your brain trying to keep you safe, based on information that it received when you were a child.

I honestly feel like you need a trained trauma therapist.

I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. You describe your mum as a good parent, but deliberately terrifying your child like this is abuse. No wonder you're scared of the dark etc.

If I were you, I'd seek counseling to come to terms with what she and your father put you through and put strategies in place so that you can live a normal life.

Reading this made me feel so sad. I've got children your age, it's awful to think of you away from home and on your own, going through all this.

It might help to try an desperate out the fears you have about the dark from the feelings you have about your Mum. Please don't be embarrassed of these fears, lots of adults are terrified of the dark, in the same way people are terrified of spiders, heights, or whatever. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's affecting your life massively though so it would be good to try and tackle this. Have you had any kind of therapy or counselling? I know it came be difficult to get help, but student services should be able to point you in the right direction. Or you could look for details of your local IAPT service which you can self refer to.

Managing your feeling about how your Mum treated you is more complicated. Her behaviour towards you was abusive, but it sounds like she was also in a very bad place at the time. What's your relationship like with her now? Has her behaviour towards you improved over the years? Again, I really think you should try and get some help to process everything that's happened to you.

She was a good mum

No she wasn’t, she was an awful and abusive mother.

I think you should make an appointment with your GP and talk it thro

Bloody hell. Can you access counselling through uni ?

Your mum was abusive. If she was a friend of mine, you would have been removed to avoid what’s happened to you, from happening.

Once you can accept that, it will help you move on, starting with a decent therapist.

@FluffyBooBoo

This isn't fear, this is trauma.

It's not logical, it's not rational. But that's a part of your brain, the oldest part, that has linked darkness and sudden noise with terror.

It's not something you've done wrong, it's not ac weakness in you, and it's not something you can fix with advice from strangers on the internet. It's your brain trying to keep you safe, based on information that it received when you were a child.

I honestly feel like you need a trained trauma therapist.

I agree.

I'm so sorry you went through this as a child and that you're still suffering now.

Firstly, please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed. Lots of people remain scared of the dark or feel scared being at home alone into adulthood. I still dislike being in the house on my own at night and I (and others) have none of your reasons for it!

Secondly, you can overcome this but you'll need help and support to do so. I completely agree that you need trauma therapy. I also think at some point you'll need counselling to process other emotions about your upbringing and your mum. There's a lot to work through.

Please reach out to your GP for help. Also your uni mental health services and if you have a good relationship with one of your tutors, I'd recommend confiding in them too. From experience, a trusted tutor is worth their weight in gold when it comes to supporting you through university when dealing with trauma.

You were exposed to a lot of terror when you were a child, I wouldn't be surprised if you now experience something akin to ptsd.

Confide in your gp and a trusted friend. Removing the blanket of silence over your fears, although scary, will really help and is the first step to helping you take control.

With time and support, you'll come through this.

This sounds like PTSD. How scary for you. I was going to suggest hypnotism for anxiety, I found it extremely useful (I have Complex PTSD, which means a few different events caused it).

It's really difficult when its your Mum who is/was part of the problem. Same for me. I can imagine moving is a trigger for you too. It can feel confusing when we disapprove of their actions in the past, mine was also emotionally abusive, but love them lots in the present and still spend lots of time with them.

Your university will have counselling services you can access, do try. Do also try and remember you are safe now. Thats often when old fears come back to haunt us because we don't need to live on survival/adrenalin anymore and we can process what happened, learning to accept it and move forwards, peacefully and confidently.

Have you ever told your Mum how scared you still are of the dark?

Im so sorry for all that yu have suffered. Your mum sounds abusive. Scaring a young child like that for her entertainment or to make your dad sound worse is just horrible. But it does sound like she had issues herself.

Uni is a really good place to get help. There are welfare people. I hope that you can connect with them. Please don't give up or think it won't help or think that any of this is shameful or your fault. It wasn't. You will be able to get over this and feel happy again.

In the mean time, have you got some strategies for coping with the dark, like having alarms and spare torches in your bag.. and also perhaps doing some self defence classes or learning a martial art. (one of my DC tried this and it did make him walk a bit taller and he felt a bit more fearless) But the main thing is find someone professional to talk to who can help you. Good luck

Bless you. You didn't do this, it's not your fault. What your mother did to you was not normal but your response seems like a perfectly reasonable response to the trauma you suffered at the hands of those you trusted most. Well done for making the connection between how you feel now and what happened in your past, it really is the first step to healing. Get yourself some professional help if you can. Good luck.

@MaskingForIt

She was a good mum

No she wasn’t, she was an awful and abusive mother.

I think you should make an appointment with your GP and talk it thro

Phone died halfway through.

Make an appointment with your GP and talk it through. They might be able to recommend some counselling or signpost you to support.

Well done for posting about it, that’s the first step done. And well done for getting to uni through was sounds to be hard circumstances.

Your mum is not a good mum.

She has been emotionally abusive, deliberately traumatised you, neglectful and cruel.

Sometimes unresolved trauma stays with us right through into adulthood. It's not silly, it's a totally normal response to the horrific things you have been through.

Your mum put having something to gossip about with her friends over your physical and mental wellbeing. You need to objectively look at her parenting (which I'm sure wasn't terrible all the time, abusive parents rarely are) and see what she actually did to a very young child.

I'm so sorry that she put you through that op

Hypnosis would help with your fears.

In simple terms, your subconscious got (several) almighty frights at an age when your conscious mind wasn't developed enough to understand that the films and stories weren't real. It therefore developed a coping strategy to keep you safe which is now making your adult life a misery.

Telling yourself not to be afraid of the dark wouldn't work simply because the subconscious has a stronger reason to be scared.

A good hypnotherapist will sort this out in a short number of sessions.

But I have to say, your mother is a nasty piece of work.

I had PTSD and I know this sounds very blasé, but when I moved out and lived on my own I got a dog. Just having him there on my bed at night helped a lot. I also had lots of therapy and still struggle sometimes. The therapy helped, but I can't put into words how much my dog helped my mental health.

Oh my goodness. That was awful to read, I feel for you so much.

You had a horrifically abusive childhood and you really need therapy to help you manage this.

Absolutely none of this is your fault.

I'm sorry your parents put you through this...

Utterly grim from your dad...
And totally inappropriate exposure to adult material from your mum.

No wonder you've developed horrid phobias around this..

And to be honest, it would be amazing if someone exposed to this level of shit behaviour from adults who were supposed to care for your well being.

Please get yourself referred to a trauma informed therapist who should be able to unpack this and give you some targeted help.

I'd do a joint approach-ask your GP and also see whether your university therapist /counselling can help.

I know somebody with a mum like this, who thinks she had a great childhood because she's buried her trauma so deep that she can't face it. She regularly saw her mother on drugs, was taken to adult parties with drugs around, neglected and often very hungry.

She thinks her mum was 'great' too.

I thought the horror movies were just poor judgment on your mum’s part until I read on. What was she thinking? No wonder you’re so unsettled - the horror movies and darkness combined with the insecurity and fear you must feel/have felt when you sensed you had such poor parenting. It’s good that you can put a label on all of this. Step one towards hopefully managing to address and eventually control your fears.

I mean it would be amazing if you hadn't developed phobia

Op, I'm sure it's very hard to read that your mum wasn't great and worse.

I'd like to say, as another pp suggested, that it's ok and normal to have conflicting feelings about parents. It's perfectly OK to see your mum as a great mum who made mistakes while on the other hand acknowledging that she wasn't, but this is why I said I think you'll need counselling to help you process emotions related to her. You'll probably go through a few cycles of changing feelings and it may feel very confusing.

That's all OK and normal. However you wish to characterise your relationship with your mum is ok too. Just make sure you have support from gp and trained therapists.

I think counselling might help with the phobia of being in the dark. Can you access it via your uni or GP?

You were right that your mum made some mistakes, big ones. Scaring you and making fun of you, and purposefully inviting your dad to be cruel to you, that was very wrong of her and that’s completely on her- no excuses. My mum used to be treated like that by her stepmother and she is much less forgiving of her than you are!

I’m so sorry op.

Agree with pp’s, your mother deliberately terrorised you and exposed you to unnecessary hurt from your father. Those aren’t the actions of a good mum.

None of this is your fault. Many people have phobias and yours are clearly trauma related. You have nothing to be embarrassed about but I do think you need to seek professional help to heal from this.

OP I'm so sorry. This is trauma. Childhood PTSD or Complex PTSD. There's lots of resources to help you with this. Youtube is your friend. The Crappy Childhood Fairy is a lovely resource. If there is a counsellor you can access through uni who is trauma trained, that might a good place to start.

What's your living situation? Do you stay in halls or are you still living with your mum? If the latter, I would get out of there as soon as possible. It will be very hard to heal your trauma while still living with your mum.

If in halls, is there a possibility of a shared house next semester? If you have a few friends to live with you'll be alone less often. I know it doesn't solve the problem but it might help a bit.

I agree with the pp who said get a dog! It might not be practical or possible for you right now, but if it is, I'm sure it would help your mental health.

Finally, just to let you know, I slept with the lights on until well into my mid-late twenties. Like you, I was traumatised and afraid of the dark. I expect I would have got a better quality of sleep with the lights off but I doubt it did much harm in the grand scheme of things. I love the darkness now, but this is just to say don't stress about that - better to sleep in the light than to lie awake in the dark. I used to have the lights on and read until I fell asleep that way xx

Your fears aren't ridiculous
Please don't feel that way.
They're perfectly understandable given the abuse you were subjected to.
Lots of good advice on here re the type of support that will help you so I hope in the new year you're able to start your recovery

@roadwarrior

I had PTSD and I know this sounds very blasé, but when I moved out and lived on my own I got a dog. Just having him there on my bed at night helped a lot. I also had lots of therapy and still struggle sometimes. The therapy helped, but I can't put into words how much my dog helped my mental health.

Dogs help to suck up negative emotions. Science fact.