Please help me, Im desperate for advice

[Thegiantstrawberry1]

Regular poster but name changed to avoid any sort of recognising as this is embarrassing.

My mum used to find it funny to scare me when I was a child. She was a single mum and we were more like friends, so she would invite her friends round and let me just join in with whatever they were doing. They would usually have a movie night but it was sometimes horror movies. My mum didn’t actively make me stay with them but we lived in a small house and I think she wanted to be a cool mum and let me join in with her and her friends. I just wanted to spend time with her so I could make her love me.

I remember watching Saw, The Grudge, The exorcist and basically whatever scary movie was popular at the time and they were watching. I was about 6/7 and this type of thing went on until I was about 12. I didn’t want to watch scary movies because I was terrified, but I wanted to be cool and hang out with my mum and her friends. I started to get scared of the dark and would follow my mum around the house because I was scared to be alone, she used to get annoyed and say grow up you’re 9 you can go to your room yourself ect. I would cry myself to sleep every night because I was absolutely terrified from watching scary movies. My mum used to be confused at why I was so clingy and scared of every bump/sound/the dark.

She was a good mum and she tried her best but she just made a lot of mistakes at times. I still love her because she’s my mum, so it’s really confusing. The part that upsets me the most is how she would make fun of me to her friends. She would deliberately tell ‘scarey stories’ because it became a joke about how scared I was. Or we would be staying over at her friends house and she would send me to bed and then leave the lights off or go outside with her friend and leave me in the house alone. Then I would be HYSTERICAL and I’d have a panic attack type episode where I would be crying and hyperventilating because I was so scared. And then I would just get shouted at for being a baby and sent back upstairs to bed and I would know they were laughing at how scared I was.

We were also on the run from my dad who was violent and stalking us. I’m NOT decrying what my mum went through, but I think she also used the situation to get attention sometimes among her friends (I feel terrible saying that but I think it’s true). I remember one incident where my dad was at our door and my mum deliberately whipped me into a panic attack by saying it was him and he was here to take me away and he was going to hurt us and she told me that we might have to jump out the window to escape him. I was hiding under my bed sobbing and I’ve never been so scared in all my life. Meanwhile my mum was on the phone to her friends telling them how he was after us again and I was ‘terrified’ and he was going to hurt us- but she wasn’t scared at all. It turned out just to be a delivery driver and I can’t help but feel like she knew that but scared me so she could tell her friends how awful he was and how I was terrified. The thing is, he was awful- there was absolutely no need to scare me to prove a point everyone already knew.

Another time I was rushed to hospital (I was about 10) with an illness that was potentially very serious. I was so scared and upset and she didn’t really care- she deliberately called my dad and told him (even though I said not to because I knew it would be hurtful) and she put the phone on speaker so I could hear him say that he didn’t care and he hoped I died from the illness during the night. She was then straight on the phone to her friends saying guess what he said!!!??? Meanwhile I was in tears. The illness turned out not to be serious and i got to leave hospital that night, but I was so upset at my dad for what he said and also my mum for deliberately exposing me to my dad’s hatred.

Fast forward 10 years and I’ve got some fears that are ridiculous for my age. I’m at university so I’m ‘grown up’ but I’ve got some fears that are really embarrassing and definitely not normal! I’m finding that as I get older, it’s harder to hide them.

Basically, I’m still terrified of the dark. Not just scared, terrified. That means I can’t sleep without all the lights on which isn’t ideal and also not economically friendly. I’ve got lamps and smaller lights which help but I can only relax with the main light on. I’m also terrified to be home alone which is obviously a problem now that I’m an adult! I’m ok being home alone during the day, but I really struggle at night or when it’s dark outside. Anytime there’s a bump or a noise I completely panic even when I can recognise rationally that it’s just a car door or someone walking past the house. I’m fine as long as there’s someone else in the house, for some reason this makes me feel safer, but I really cannot cope with being completely on my own especially in the dark. I really need to get over this but I don’t know how.

Sorry this has been such a long winded post. I didnt mean to be horrible about my mum and I still love her so much- I just think the way she acted has made me scared now. If anyone has any advice about getting over this fear I would be so grateful. Thanks x

I don't know that you're ready to really hear the truth about your mother. It's OK, that will take time.
You are not a bad or weak person for feeling this way. You do not (and never did) deserve to be ridiculed and hurt by someone you were supposed to be able to trust.
The fact you are asking for help is a huge milestone, well done for verbalising your situation.
You can fix this, but it will be hard. I'm so sorry they hurt you this way.

I agree with lots of other posters here. You had a traumatic time as a child, and you would not have been able to process it at the time. You can do that as an adult but it’s much easier if you work with a therapist. They can keep you safe while you do it, and show you ways to make it easier. Uni should be able to provide you with some counselling to try it out and get some support. You can then go on to something more specialist if you like.

In the meantime, don’t worry about leaving lights on etc. That’s how you are managing your emotions, and if it works for you, carry on! I had night lights until my late 20s due to similar experiences (my mother in her wisdom took me to frightening seances all through my childhood, and tried to train me as a ‘medium’). Now, 20 years later, I still get the heebie jeebies from time to time, especially in the dark, but it’s much less frequent and I just don’t blame myself any more.

I also agree that having a dog makes a WORLD of difference to being afraid at night, loneliness, and trauma. I hope you’ll be able to do that after Uni.

Oh OP I'm so sorry, even reading your story was difficult. Childrens brains are delicate, you were tiny and needed protecting from things that would cause you stress and fear, not deliberately exposing to them. I'd second seaking out help from your university, show them what you've written down in your post you've explained everything perfectly. I hope you can begin some therapy to help you cope.
I know you love your mum but she has treated you terribly. I'm also sure her "friends" didnt treat their children like that once they had families of their own. Sounds like they were immature idiots using you for entertainment.
Good luck to you, I hope you can feel safer soon.

I'm so sorry for all your Mum put you through to satisfy her abusive desires.

Please get some help to work through the abuse. It will be hard but no harder than what you have experienced.

My Mum is an abuser and her chosen weapon was fear. She used to put us in situations where we could have been in danger, going abroad and leaving us home alone. She did lots of other things to place us in an almost constant state of fear.

I am NC with my Mum now.

She wasn’t a good mum who tried her best.
She was abusive and I think you need some counselling to unpack that

This has made me so angry and upset for you. Your mom is disgusting. I’m sure life was hard being a single parent and I’m guessing she was a young mom from this account but it’s shocking behaviour.

I’m sorry you went through this and are still affected by it. I think you should consider councilling.

I’m so sorry for what you went through. I’ve had to realise that someone can love us but also do really unacceptable things. Your mum sounds immature to the point of emotionally abusive. That doesn’t mean you can’t love her or her love you. Perhaps she has her own trauma (especially with your dad) that impacted on her. But the long and the short of it is that it’s sounds like you have PTSD from childhood trauma.
You aren’t weird or silly, you are dealing with awful things that happened to you.
I’d strongly recommend therapy and telling a few trusted people (perhaps student services, tutor or mentor at university?) that you are seeking support for childhood trauma so that they can help you get the right help.

Your mother traumatised you for years—- this is child abuse.

My parent did a minor version of something like your mother did —- only once, I was 4 or 5 and I can remember every detail 50 years later ( I was terrified and crying) It’s made me claustrophobic all my life. If one event can affect me so much, you can see how your mother’s ongoing treatment of you has affected you.

Is there a counselling service at your Uni you can talk to? I really think you need to talk all of this through with a therapist to allow yourself to let go of some of it.

Your mother acted totally inappropriately—- adults are adults, children are children —2 different things and children need the protection of adults, physically and emotionally.

Please see this child abuse for what it was.

Yeah we’d all be scared of the dark after that childhood.

Try and access therapy so you can move on with your life. Try not to feel stupid, I’m scared of crane flies because my mum was when I was little. She’s now fine with them and I still scream when I see one.

This is not a baseless fear, it’s trauma. What you need is a supportive environment, definitely try to get some sessions with a therapist. In the short term maybe a dog would help? It’s something else in the house so you’re not alone. You can get dogs specially trained as emotional support but even untrained they can be a great help.

You are not being unreasonable or ridiculous. Your mother was a terrible parent and unfortunately you’re paying the price for it. Please do get help.

Your Mother is absolutely vile and has been a terrible, terrible parent.

I hope you find the strength to completely cut her out of your life and when you do I hope she spends the rest of her life feeling ashamed and remorseful x

The problem isn’t that you are scared of the dark. The problem is that you’ve not accepted how wrong it was that you as a child were taught to be scared of the dark. Start by learning why you don’t deserve to be scared of the dark.

Fuck me this is just awful. How can people treat children like this? Your mum is a hideous person and I would cut her out and get some help. Her friends are also disgusting for seeing this happening and being apart of it. I wouldn't dream of letting a 6 year old watch horror movies or letting someone else's 6 year old be around when they were on. How old was your mum at the time? I hope you're ok and you seek help

I'm so sorry. Your mum wasn't a good mum at all. She sounds like a very damaged person with toxic, narcissistic tendencies. You've been horribly let down by both your parents.

You need space from your mum.

You need to access the university mental health services and take all the counseling and medication that's offered to you. You're probably going to find that your mum is worse than you thought she was (your post shows you are really trying too hard to excuse her behaviour) and much more of a problem in your life than you've realised. That will change your relationship with her, causing you answer, guilt, worry and loss. I'm afraid all of this is par for the course. Your mum will probably say hurtful things if you confront her, and you will find that putting up with her behaviour and trying to look past it are the only terms on which she'll 'love you'. That may cause you real distress and further guilt. It will be a price worth paying in the long run.

Look out for any sources of support and nurturing that you can find. Any safe motherly/fatherly person who will offer you some support and guidance while you're still so young. That can be very healing provided they're safe. Be aware that you are at risk of choosing dangerous life partners. If you don't recognise and accept that your mum's behaviour is toxic, you're quite likely to end up with a partner who mirrors it.

This is going to be hard and it will get worse before it gets better. But I think of you in ten years from now and hope you will have years of therapy behind you, anger and guilt resolved, distance from your mum and boundaries on your terms, a loving partner and the ability to think, without it causing anguish, that your babies will never know the kind of tortuous abuse that you were subjected to. You will have broken the cycle and found peace. It starts here

You rant away, you poor thing. If you were mine I'd never have treated you like that, I'd never treat my own children like that either. She's not a good mum, she didn't and probably doesn't know how to be. Of course you love her but you need some help getting over this, accept you've be traumatised from a young age and maybe distance yourself from your mum as much as you can

Everyone has been so lovely wow, thanks so much for so many supportive comments. I ended up living with other family members from when I was about 12, so whilst I still had to visit my mum and spend time with her, I was so fortunate that the other family members were amazing and have supported me throughout my entire life.

I’m in my early 20s and at university now so over 10 years from when i lived with her but it’s definitely still having an impact. I love her so much and I probably always will, and sometimes she was a fantastic mum and it honestly wasn’t all bad- I remember going out for dinner with her and her friends to fancy restaurants and I have nice memories of us going for drives and singing songs in the car. But as I’m getting older, I’m more and more aware of the fact she wasn’t a great mum overall and that she caused me a lot of problems.

We don’t really have much contact anymore- we drifted and don’t speak much and I don’t even remember how long it is since I last saw her. I’m at university and still live with my other family members (and our dog!) and seriously have an amazing life now! How many uni students get their cooking and washing all done for them in all seriousness though I’m very fortunate I have them.

I will definitely try and seek help with the fears as I’m noticing it more and more now. I want to be able to be home alone studying when my family are out without worrying about every bump or noise, or to be able to stay at my friends houses/halls without needing to keep the lights on!

When I look back at my childhood with my mum, I keep thinking about how it wasn’t that bad. But when I think about it happening to someone else then it seems really bad. It’s all so confusing.

Thanks so much again for all the support 💟

When I look back at my childhood with my mum, I keep thinking about how it wasn’tthatbad.

I've read therapists say that every victim of childhood abuse says the same thing.

I'm so glad you're somewhere safe and happy. As a pp said further up, this is probably why you're starting to process things, because you feel safe enough to do so. This is especially important I'm cases of ptsd or similar trauma-bound realities because it can feel like you're reliving things.

Do speak to your family as well and let them know you're dealing with historical stuff, so they know that you need a bit of extra tlc and support.

Firstly I feel for you ,and can completely emphasise as I too hate the dark and horror films! I lost my dad when young ,and My DM used to wake up crying ,I would try to comfort her ,but I was only about 9! Never like Horror films or watched any .I think your DM was obv troubled and had issues with your DF that she brought you into . I would look for a trained therapist to help you .Even now I hate sleeping on my own ,and always always have every light in the house on if DH goes out for the evening and Im at home by myself. Be kind to yourself and recognise that you are traumitised by these events .Its nothing to be embarrassed about!

I just want to add that before you start having major relationships, or the possibility of children, it is worth going through therapy so that you have a firm foundation of self worth. Because all too often the cycle can repeat itself.
Wishing you well on your path.

@Thegiantstrawberry1 - you sound very content and happy which is brilliant so please don't start assigning labels to yourself (not that it sounds as though you would!).

Very few people get through childhood without something the MH industry would call trauma so by all means get some help but don't define yourself by it. Balance is everything.

Some practical tips - keep a radio on - talk radio like radio 4 or podcasts so always background noise - stops the silence

A lamp like a wake up light you can adjust it etc -

& get some counselling if you are ready x or when -

Don't minimise what you went through-

Well done for getting this far -

im so sorry you went through all of this. no child deserves this. i personally would need to bring this up with my parent and ask why they did these things and explain the damage done to them.

I could have wrote your post OP. My mother use to make out she had died, I remember trying to wake her shaking her on many occasions as a child. She wouldn't move for sometimes 10-15 mins and I got myself in awful states. Then she would suddenly start laughing or jump up and say "only joking" I now suffer with panic attacks and have the most awful fear of death. The fear of death has ruined my life.
I love my mother so very much and to this day she would still tell me not to be so stupid as she was only playing.

I'm sorry you went through this OP you're not alone x

This is so sad I just want to give you (and your six year old self) a big hug. What your mum put you through is not normal or acceptable. You would definitely benefit from some counselling or therapy of some sort, your university should offer free counselling?