Regular poster but name changed to avoid any sort of recognising as this is embarrassing.
My mum used to find it funny to scare me when I was a child. She was a single mum and we were more like friends, so she would invite her friends round and let me just join in with whatever they were doing. They would usually have a movie night but it was sometimes horror movies. My mum didn’t actively make me stay with them but we lived in a small house and I think she wanted to be a cool mum and let me join in with her and her friends. I just wanted to spend time with her so I could make her love me.
I remember watching Saw, The Grudge, The exorcist and basically whatever scary movie was popular at the time and they were watching. I was about 6/7 and this type of thing went on until I was about 12. I didn’t want to watch scary movies because I was terrified, but I wanted to be cool and hang out with my mum and her friends. I started to get scared of the dark and would follow my mum around the house because I was scared to be alone, she used to get annoyed and say grow up you’re 9 you can go to your room yourself ect. I would cry myself to sleep every night because I was absolutely terrified from watching scary movies. My mum used to be confused at why I was so clingy and scared of every bump/sound/the dark.
She was a good mum and she tried her best but she just made a lot of mistakes at times. I still love her because she’s my mum, so it’s really confusing. The part that upsets me the most is how she would make fun of me to her friends. She would deliberately tell ‘scarey stories’ because it became a joke about how scared I was. Or we would be staying over at her friends house and she would send me to bed and then leave the lights off or go outside with her friend and leave me in the house alone. Then I would be HYSTERICAL and I’d have a panic attack type episode where I would be crying and hyperventilating because I was so scared. And then I would just get shouted at for being a baby and sent back upstairs to bed and I would know they were laughing at how scared I was.
We were also on the run from my dad who was violent and stalking us. I’m NOT decrying what my mum went through, but I think she also used the situation to get attention sometimes among her friends (I feel terrible saying that but I think it’s true). I remember one incident where my dad was at our door and my mum deliberately whipped me into a panic attack by saying it was him and he was here to take me away and he was going to hurt us and she told me that we might have to jump out the window to escape him. I was hiding under my bed sobbing and I’ve never been so scared in all my life. Meanwhile my mum was on the phone to her friends telling them how he was after us again and I was ‘terrified’ and he was going to hurt us- but she wasn’t scared at all. It turned out just to be a delivery driver and I can’t help but feel like she knew that but scared me so she could tell her friends how awful he was and how I was terrified. The thing is, he was awful- there was absolutely no need to scare me to prove a point everyone already knew.
Another time I was rushed to hospital (I was about 10) with an illness that was potentially very serious. I was so scared and upset and she didn’t really care- she deliberately called my dad and told him (even though I said not to because I knew it would be hurtful) and she put the phone on speaker so I could hear him say that he didn’t care and he hoped I died from the illness during the night. She was then straight on the phone to her friends saying guess what he said!!!??? Meanwhile I was in tears. The illness turned out not to be serious and i got to leave hospital that night, but I was so upset at my dad for what he said and also my mum for deliberately exposing me to my dad’s hatred.
Fast forward 10 years and I’ve got some fears that are ridiculous for my age. I’m at university so I’m ‘grown up’ but I’ve got some fears that are really embarrassing and definitely not normal! I’m finding that as I get older, it’s harder to hide them.
Basically, I’m still terrified of the dark. Not just scared, terrified. That means I can’t sleep without all the lights on which isn’t ideal and also not economically friendly. I’ve got lamps and smaller lights which help but I can only relax with the main light on. I’m also terrified to be home alone which is obviously a problem now that I’m an adult! I’m ok being home alone during the day, but I really struggle at night or when it’s dark outside. Anytime there’s a bump or a noise I completely panic even when I can recognise rationally that it’s just a car door or someone walking past the house. I’m fine as long as there’s someone else in the house, for some reason this makes me feel safer, but I really cannot cope with being completely on my own especially in the dark. I really need to get over this but I don’t know how.
Sorry this has been such a long winded post. I didnt mean to be horrible about my mum and I still love her so much- I just think the way she acted has made me scared now. If anyone has any advice about getting over this fear I would be so grateful. Thanks x